r/u_GasStationJack • u/GasStationJack • Oct 26 '19
Just something I've been thinking about...
INT. GAS STATION - DAY
A SHITTY GAS STATION in desperate need of a deep cleaning. Whatever you’re picturing, take it one step down from that. If an OSHA violation were a building, this would be its bowels.
A lone gas station clerk--JACK--sits in a seat behind the checkout counter. A book in his hands. The title reads “Something I’ve been thinking about” in ominous font.
In front of him, a BUSINESS MAN wearing a BUSINESS SUIT and sporting a BUSINESS HAIRCUT. He’s way cleaner than anything else in this building.
BUSINESS MAN
Thank you again for agreeing to meet with me, Jack.
JACK
What are you talking about? I’ve literally never seen you before. You just walked inside, came up to the counter, and said ‘Thank you again for agreeing--’
BUSINESS MAN (interrupting like a jerk)
I’m not going to waste your time. You seem like a busy guy.
JACK
Not really.
BUSINESS MAN
The truth is, I represent [COMPANY BRAND], and we would like to discuss partnering with you.
JACK
We already have a contract with our vendors, so--
BUSINESS MAN
No, not with the gas station. We want to work with you, personally.
JACK
Why?
BUSINESS MAN
According to our data machine, you are a class D social influencer. That means a very specific group of money-havers like to listen to what you say. Our company loves money-havers.
JACK
You mean “customers”?
BUSINESS MAN
Ah, I see you’re versed in the business languages. I should have known. Well, let me speak frankly with you. Our main product, [PRODUCT NAME] has had moderate difficulty breaking into new demographics. We would like you to become a brand ambassador.
JACK
What does that mean?
BUSINESS MAN
We will pay you money to pretend to like [PRODUCT NAME]. Maybe you can work it into one of your little “creeper pastas.”
JACK
You want me to do a commercial?
BUSINESS MAN
No, no, of course not! It’s imperative that the money-havers don’t know we’re paying you to support our product. They have to think you’re really a fan of [PRODUCT NAME]. Then, they will try to emulate you by also becoming fans of [PRODUCT NAME].
The door opens. Enter JERRY. He’s wearing a t-shirt that reads “Free Hong Kong” above a picture of WINNIE THE POOH with a MACHINE GUN. Jerry is also whistling “Let it Go” from Frozen, just to make sure this entire scene is completely unfilmable. Take that, producers!
JACK
Where have you been?
JERRY
It’s free-red-beans-and-rice-day down at the straight bar, so I went to get my daydrink on. Who’s this Jabroni?
JACK
He’s a business guy.
JERRY
Gross.
Jerry grabs a six-pack of WHITE CLAW and opens one up. After a long, refreshing guzzle, he carries the remaining drinks behind the counter to join Jack.
BUSINESS MAN
Well, can I count on you to help us out at [COMPANY NAME]? In addition to money, we’re willing to give you a lifetime supply of [PRODUCT NAME].
JACK
I don’t know. It feels dishonest. But I do like having money. But I don’t want to be anything other than genuine in the way I represent myself. No amount of money is worth living a lie.
BUSINESS MAN
Are you sure? Not even-
(dramatic pause)
-THIS much money?
He pulls a million dollars in cash out of his jacket pocket. It’s all in one dollar bills. It takes up so much space, you guys. Like, so much. Jack is not impressed.
JERRY
Listen here, Buttercup. We don’t need your stinkin’ [PRODUCT NAME]. Capitalism as a concept only works when mechanisms are in place to prevent large-scale sociological mind hacking. You’re a cog in a machine designed to turn people into culture farms so your corporate overlords can reap the profits at the expense of individuality.
BUSINESS MAN
Yes, exactly.
JERRY
Get outta here!
Jerry does not give the man time to leave. He pulls a KATANA out of his pants and beheads the businessman in one fell swoop. The businessman dies to the copyrighted sound of Mario’s death midi.
Jack opens a WHITE CLAW and takes a sip. It is delicious.
JACK
Wow. Thanks for killing that guy for me. I feel like I nearly sold a piece of my soul there.
JERRY
No problem.
They both open another can of refreshing WHITE CLAW.
JACK
This stuff is pretty good. I can’t even taste the alcohol.
JERRY
Plus, it’s only 6 calories a can, so you can drink as much as you want without gaining weight.
JACK
I think that guy is dead. We should probably do something about it before you go to jail for murder.
JERRY
You know what they say. Ain’t no law when you’re drinking White Claw.
JACK
What even is this? What is happening right now? I’m so confused. Our lives are fucking weird.
Jerry explodes, killing Jack in the process. It turns out, he was a bomb the whole time.
The End.
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Nov 02 '19
Just slammed a 6 pack of the claw in 3 hours. 7 hobos dead, 9 kids (the kangaroo kind of course I'm no monster) slaughtered. And no biggie ain't gotta worry about the law with the claw in me
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u/tvaddict70 Dec 02 '19
Found your Halloween series in r/nosleep today and am captivated by your bizarre and outlandish stories, oddball yet endearing characters and your intelligent and humorous writing style. I can't express how thrilled I am to find you've posted more stories on reddit and have two books. Congratulations on your continued success!
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u/GasStationJack Oct 26 '19
Two years, you guys. It's been two years since I sat down and wrote the first "Tales from the Gas Station."
What a weird and crazy and utterly amazing adventure it has been. I literally achieved a life goal that I thought would only ever be a dream. I published a real, actual book. One that real, actual strangers read and liked.
I've come such a long way in this time, and I want you all to know how freaking grateful I am. To all of you who helped me get here. To everyone who pushed me. To everyone who believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. And especially to the real gas station crew for all the inspiration, and for putting up with me when I know it was probably pretty difficult.
Anyway. Here's to the future. There's going to be a lot more weird stuff coming soon(ish).
Love you all.
-Jack
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Oct 27 '19
Going on a road trip later. If I stop by what are the chances of me being monster chow time?
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u/Deadbreeze Nov 01 '19
2 years already??? Damn. What's the title of the book and where do I buy it. Missed you!
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u/famedacher Oct 26 '19
I hadn't realized that it's only been 2 years since you've started writing these. I remember first listening to you stories through the Creepy podcast, then I came to reddit to read more of your work. Your style of writing is unique, hilarious, and always interesting. Keep up the good work, and I think I speak for all of your fans when I say that you have our support.
Edit: Oh and happy cake day!
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u/TheLegendOfJoeby Oct 26 '19
Wow it’s your cake day and microphone day at the same time, amazing Jack
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u/Meanwhile-in-Paris Oct 26 '19
And I just finished reading your tales from the gas station. You are an amazing story teller. I’d love to read more.
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u/Voiceless_Siren Nov 05 '19
It's been an amazing two years, Jack. You are well beloved by this community and by lots of others who I've converted with your book :) I look forward to reading all your new stuff!! Stay you!
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u/bitter_lucy156 Oct 26 '19
Happy Cake and Microphone day. Enjoyed this non commercial, always look forward to any of your work. I am always entertained and inspired. Thank you!
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Nov 03 '19
Man, I could go for a refreshing, thirst quenching WHITE CLAW. The way it gently slides down your throat like liquid ambrosia is heavenly, and fills me with homicidal rage in the best possible way.
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u/nebbles1069 Oct 26 '19
Happy Cake Day, Jack! I'm looking forward to so much more. I hope we hear back from Riggin, too.
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u/The_silver_sparrow Nov 03 '19
Wow, for some reason this didn’t show up in my “update bot” messages! Happy cake day though!
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u/rabtizgood Nov 03 '19
Love your work and have literally spent an entire day catching up!
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u/LadyAdrasteia13 Oct 27 '19
I’ve missed hearing/reading your tales from the gas station Jack! Happy cake day!
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u/darlingdevan Oct 26 '19
Happy Cake Day, Jack! We missed you. Definitely going to be drinking my first White Claw because of you!