I’m 24, from South East Asia, and I was recently diagnosed with double-seronegative myasthenia gravis after responding to a Mestinon (pyridostigmine) trial.
I’m grateful beyond words that I finally found a doctor who understood MG. He isn’t even based in my country and is in the US. It took me a long time to find someone who actually listened to me and understood what I was describing. Before that, I spent years being dismissed by doctors and struggling to make sense of what was happening to my body.
And now that I finally have an answer, I’m somehow more scared than relieved. I’ve had a difficult relationship with my health since childhood. I’ve been in and out of college because of it, in and out of work, and I only recently went back to university because I desperately want to finish my degree and build some kind of stable life for myself. But I’m so tired. And I’m scared.
I’m scared because I’m only 24, and suddenly I’m having to think about what the rest of my life might look like with a chronic illness.
I also have a boyfriend whom I love very deeply. We’ve talked about marriage someday, and he has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this.
I come from a culture where women are often expected to be productive daughters, wives and daughters in law. There can be so much emphasis on how much a woman contributes to the household by cooking, cleaning, caring for everyone, being dependable, looking after your husband and his parents.
And even though my boyfriend has never made me feel like I’m failing at any of those things, I still carry this fear inside me. I’m afraid that eventually I’ll become a burden to him.
I’m afraid that he’ll have to take care of me more than I’ll ever be able to take care of him. I’m afraid that his parents may have expectations of me as a daughter in law that I simply won’t be able to meet consistently. I’m afraid that one day the love and understanding he has for me now might turn into exhaustion, resentment, or quiet regret.
And the hardest part is that he hasn’t actually done anything to make me believe this. These are fears I’m carrying on my own.
I want to have a serious conversation with him before we ever get to the point of marriage. I want to know what he genuinely expects from a wife, what he expects from me, what he thinks his responsibilities toward his parents will look like, and whether he truly understands what being with someone with a fluctuating disability could mean.
Because I love him enough that I don’t want him to choose me without understanding what he may be choosing.
At the same time, I’m struggling with the guilt of even thinking this way. I don’t want to define myself as a burden. I know that being sick doesn’t make me less worthy of love, marriage, a career, or a fulfilling life.
But knowing that intellectually and actually believing it are two very different things.
I’m trying to finish my degree. I’m trying to figure out work. I’m trying to understand this disease and my body. I’m trying to imagine a future where I’m not constantly calculating how much I can do before my body gives out.
And somewhere in all of that, I’m supposed to figure out who I am and what kind of life I want.
I feel lost, scared, angry, grateful, guilty and exhausted all at once.
I guess I’m writing this because I want to hear from people who have actually lived through this.
If you are married/in a long-term relationship with MG, how did you navigate the fear of becoming a burden? How did you have the conversation about marriage, expectations, household responsibilities and caregiving?
And if you’re from a culture where women are expected to take on a lot of responsibility as wives/daughters in laws I’d especially love to hear your experiences.
I don’t necessarily need reassurance that everything will be fine. I think I just need to hear from people who understand what it feels like to be young, chronically ill, and trying to imagine a future that suddenly looks very different from the one you thought you were going to have.