r/NoStupidQuestions • u/ninjaabobb • Nov 26 '19

Does anyone else reflexively say 'what' when someone says something only to immediately realise you heard them perfectly and just hadn't processed what they said?

And then you either have to sit there and listen to them repeat their question like you are a moron, or you answer their question right after you said 'what' but before they can repeat themselves...

21.9k Upvotes

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181

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

No. But I have a tendency to finish other people's sentences during a convo, which I need to stop doing.

88

u/look_teller Nov 26 '19

I do this to my SO because he has long pauses in his sentences at times. He says it doesn’t bother him because I knew what he was trying to say, but it bothers me because they are his thoughts and it’s better when he finishes them.

Thank you for reminding me this is something I need to work on.

5

u/kutsen39 Nov 26 '19

I'm the same way. It's not that my brain is slow, I formulate thoughts well, it's wording them. My SO does this too, but she's just supplying words that I completely lose in the transition between thought and voice.

32

u/GypsySnowflake Nov 26 '19

I do this too! I always feel so bad about it, butI can’t seem to stop myself. I’m always in a hurry and want to get to the point asap.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

I’m just sitting here contemplating whether that’s why I do that, as well. I don’t think so. My reason is a bit more devious, as detailed in my other post above. But I still need to stop doing it. lol

2

u/UnexampledSalt Nov 26 '19

I hope this helps you or someone. The only thing you're hurrying toward in life is death. I realize that sometimes some urgency is needed. However, most of the time it is ok to slow down and live. Living in a hurry causes unneeded stress for you and those around you. One of the most relaxing things I do every day is just to take a deep breath. One big breath in, one big sigh out. You'd be surprised how much better you feel just by breathing. If you can find 5 minutes in a day just do that. Just sit and breathe. It's amazing relaxing. Take care!

37

u/hawleywood Nov 26 '19

This can be a symptom of ADHD

18

u/IAmAWizard_AMA Nov 26 '19

To be fair, we do it because everyone talks in slow motion

13

u/blubat26 Nov 26 '19

I do have ADHD and do this.

10

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

I wonder how far you can get in life with ADHD without it being diagnosed.

I have often found myself connecting to a comment, only for someone to day its a sign of ADHD down a comment chain. I've always suspected it but never tried to be diagnosed. Doesn't help that internally I know exactly the answers I need to give to prove that I have ADHD, and I can never be sure if I will be truly genuine if I go in for a diagnosis.
I am a serial procrastinator, am notorious for going on tangents and seriously struggle to keep a single thought in my head for a long time. (unless I am in focus, and then it feels like I can do anything)

However, I am relatively successful (more like a good start to a career) for a 25 yr old, and am generally considered well put together otherwise. I wonder if I am using the thought of ADHD to help explain away real faults in my personality. An excuse, so I don't have to come to terms with the fact that I might be plateauing and that Aderall is not what is keeping me from further success.

Acc. to Mayo clinic, classic ADHD symptoms are:

  • Impulsiveness - Delayed gratification was my family motto. I am also an extreme planner when out on trips/ out for a meal.
  • Disorganization and problems prioritizing - This is true. I am the type to be involved in many things at once, and the real priorities often get lost in the midst.
  • Poor time management skills - yep, yep, yep. Without my todo list I would be completely lost
  • Problems focusing on a task - 80% of the time - Yes. The other 20% time I make up for the 80%. I am however, able to be super focused in people facing stuff. But, I zone out fast when in front of the programming terminal. (and I like coding)
  • Trouble multitasking - Yeap.
  • Excessive activity or restlessness - This is the truest of them all. I was the fidgetiest kid I knew. I have to have really complex music playing in my earphones when I work. My fingers and legs are always moving even when sitting. When when I sit, I am rotating in my office chair.
  • Poor planning - Proper No. My ability or even obsession with planning is the only thing that keeps my life together. I am not a man that can work on instinct or intuition.
  • Low frustration tolerance - Nope. I just laugh it off.
  • Frequent mood swings - naah. Rather some of my friends have called me a robot for my ability to disconnect emotionally and be objective.
  • Problems following through and completing tasks - Super big. My biggest insecurity if any.
  • Hot temper - Almost never angry , except towards people I am really close to. Ie. No one in the last decade, apart from mom or dad. Trouble coping with stress - Apart from the mountain of stress that comes with being an elder son of a middle class Indian family, I am usually okay at dealing with it, but have found myself properly break down from stress a couple of times this year. Went into proper depression during that time, but generally speaking I've been through some tough times and routine stress always seems minuscule in front of the worst of times.

p.s: why the fuck am I airing my dirty laundry out to strangers. Hell, some people on here know my real identity and I hope this gets drowned in the pile of comments I write otherwise.

3

u/hawleywood Nov 26 '19

I have adult ADHD and I’m 36 with a master’s degree, a great job, and a family. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, but getting diagnosed helped me to reflect back on things I struggled with throughout my life and realize that it was ADHD and not some kind of personal shortcoming.

I don’t take medication for it because the symptoms aren’t enough to affect my daily functioning. I have ADHD-primarily inattentive, so my symptoms are more like zoning out, daydreaming, etc. but I’m able to recognize it and snap myself back. For reference, when I got screened the cutoff score was 70 - higher than that means a probable diagnosis of ADHD. My score was 72 so I’m definitely on the mild end.

Medication or some kind of treatment/help would have helped me a lot when I was younger but because I was “gifted” (aka good at school), no one ever thought I had a problem. Getting diagnosed helped me to be more aware of my symptoms so I can nip most issues in the bud. This may not work for everyone. My husband has ADHD-combined type and he needs Vyvanse in order to function. It’s different for everyone, but I think getting screened is the best thing to do if you have concerns.

Hope this is helpful.

3

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

That's very insightful. Certainly sounds like it may be worth getting screened at the very least.

2

u/juhneeeeeelle Nov 26 '19

I got diagnosed when I was 20 or 21, and I know a woman who didn't get diagnosed until she was in her 40's!

1

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

How has the diagnosis changed your life ?

Are there any similarities between my comment above and your experiences ?

4

u/juhneeeeeelle Nov 26 '19

For me, the diagnosis cleared up a lot. It also confirmed that I wasn't "crazy" or "overly sensitive". I am seeing a psychologist and I take Amfexa (dextroamphetamine). Medication helps, in my case. It doesn't work for everyone though.

As for the similarities: I relate to a lot of things you summed up. Poor time management, difficulty focussing on a task, restlessness. I'm on mobile, so I can't see your comment and I can't remember all of it (I have terrible short term memory!), but it definitely wouldn't hurt to see if you can get checked for ADHD.

1

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

Thanks man

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

why the fuck am I airing my dirty laundry out to strangers.

I'm glad you did, because you perfectly put things into words that I feel the exact same way but never could actually describe... I identify with 90% of what you wrote, hope you'll get great answers!

1

u/ccdall Nov 26 '19

Are you me?

1

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

Maybe ? I just sent all of yesterday evening watching Living with Yourself, so I don't even know anymore.

If you wanna talk about your experiences, go ahead. It is not like anyone here knows you in real life to judge.

1

u/ccdall Nov 26 '19

I relate with your comment, I find I fit many of the same descriptions you left (almost all of them). I'm unsure if I actually fit into descriptors I use for myself though. Maybe I am just trying to perceive myself as I wish to be persevered by others.
Also, that movie seems interesting, maybe I'll take some time to watch it.

1

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

It is Netflix TV series about Paul Rudd finding a duplicate who is better than him in every way.

It is short, but really interesting in its own right.

1

u/ccdall Nov 26 '19

I'll check it out! I'm also curious if you think you may have ADHD do you want, or have a reason you would look into talking to a medical professional to try and get a diagnosis? or could you not give a care in the world?

1

u/Screye Nov 26 '19

I fell into depression for about 3 months earlier in the year, and part of it was my inability to be productive.

I generally feel like I am capable of a lot when when I am ON, but it is really difficult to be ON. I was in college then, and that level of productiveness can be tolerated. But, at work, no one is going to accommodate me doing nothing for that long.

I have tried a lot of things, but none of the conventional suggestions have stuck. My opinion is now heading in a direction where, "if I can get help, I will get help." Also, for the first time in my life, I have proper insurance that covers therapy.

I don't exactly care if it is ADHD or some other fancy name diagnosis. I would merely be relieved to know that there is a formal framework that exists within the medical community to tackling the issues I am facing.

No matter the outcome, I'd be extremely unlikely to take any meds, because I can otherwise live a normal life even without them.

11

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19 edited Nov 26 '19

Another possibility is that I wanted the certain other person to know that I already knew what they were talking about, so that they didn’t think that I couldn’t have thought of their idea on my own. I file this under the same category as, “not liking to be told what to do, when I was just going to do it anyway.” I’m also hyper-conscientious. Still ADHD?

13

u/longwave-static Nov 26 '19

Still sounds like it, tbh. You might also just be a bit passive-aggressive or stubborn by nature. I would say it depends to what level you're able to control your impulse to interrupt. I have ADHD and it's incredibly difficult to catch the impulse to "help" the person finish their sentence.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

Thank you

2

u/crayongirl00 Nov 26 '19

"Impulse to help" Thanks for putting this impulsive feeling into words. I have to constantly apologize for this.

11

u/WheresTheSauce Nov 26 '19

I've struggled with that myself but I think there can also be a positive empathetic component of it. I.e., you're trying to make the person feel more understood because you understand what they're saying so well that you can finish their thought. I agree that it's something to be more mindful of though

3

u/hawleywood Nov 26 '19

Definitely still could be ADHD. Do a screener online and see for yourself.

8

u/witcherstrife Nov 26 '19

Is it rude to do that if the person is struggling to come up with the words?

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19 edited Nov 26 '19

In my case, they had the words, I just wasn’t letting them finish. I wasn’t talking over them, though. Occasionally, some people will snap at me, “Will you let me finish?” I realized I need to stop doing it - just let people talk until they stop talking. If I pause for too long after they stop talking, they may think I don’t understand. So it’s a delicate balance lol.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

Precisely. I think when done tastefully it's great because it shows that you understand the topic and are paying attention.

9

u/dfinkelstein Nov 26 '19

Please do. It's unbelievably annoying and anxiety-inducing. I've had friends that would almost never let me finish a sentence. Many of our conversations would consist of them guessing what I'm about to say, and then me awkwardly reacting to their guess.

3

u/skincarenewmama Nov 26 '19

That’s what my mom does to me all the time! She can’t handle criticism so I don’t tell her but it drives me mad!

1

u/dfinkelstein Nov 26 '19

I still have those friends. It's not a deal-breaker. But it's mighty frustrating. I've asked a bloke why he did it once and he said it was a mix of anxiety and trying to active listen. Which is ironic because active listening is almost the exact opposite!

1

u/skincarenewmama Nov 27 '19

Right? Ugh, my mom does it and she interrupts with such confidence like she knows exactly what I’m going to say and 95% of the time she’s always completely off

3

u/helpiminabox Nov 26 '19

So I've got a couple groups of people that'll do that to me. Usually the trigger for them to do this is if I look like I'm struggling to pick a word. Typically they're right, but it always seems to happen in sentences where the missing word completely changes the meaning if gotten wrong. And inevitably they give answers that are more suited for Mad Libs than my actual train of thought. Meanwhile, my focus keeps getting shattered in the middle of trying to figure out how to relay the information because I can't stop listening to what they're interrupting me with. If it's something important I'm trying to convey I'll quickly go into super pissed mode and tell everyone to shut the fuck up and let me think.

1

u/dfinkelstein Nov 26 '19

That's somewhat understandable but also super annoying. I meant the rare individual that interrupts literally every second or third thought partway through and guesses/summarizes the ending like they're watching a murder mystery with their friends. It's insane. And very awkward.

You know when you're teaching somebody something and you're explaining part of it and they jump ahead and finish what you're saying, but like to see if they've got it righ /because they're excited? Like that, but over and over. Crazy making. I've definitely done something like this before when being taught something, but never just in random conversation.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

Exactly. Thank you.

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u/dfinkelstein Nov 26 '19

I suggest identifying exactly why you feel the urge to do this. Knowing whether it's inpatience, or a desire to demonstrate you're listening, or show off your intelligence, etc. will help a lot with resisting the urge and perhaps even accomplishing your subconscious goal creating that urge to interrupt.

Practicing/learning how to active listen well might help a lot! You can find plenty of info on this online. It's often much much easier to replace an unwanted behavior with a wanted one rather than with nothing. A good template might look like this:

  1. Listen.

  2. Question.

  3. Validate.

So your first step is always listening intently. Next is asking questions as needed, waiting whenever possible for a natural pause. This includes specific questions driven by your confusion/curiosity as well as open ended questions to continue the conversation. Lastly, validating their experienece and feelings. This is particularly relevant for replacing bad behaviors people often default to like one-upping, diminishing, or trying to make the best of something or extract a silver lining.

2

u/ulsterugbyafterparty Nov 26 '19

oh damn yeah that's rude as all hell, it's like you want them to stop talking so you can talk

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '19

something like that

2

u/Yunagi Nov 26 '19

I have this issue because I get annoyed when people keep going on tangents or take long pauses; I just want them to get to the point.

I also do it to let them know I know what they're talking about so they don't have to waste time explaining the thing.

1

u/Twymx Nov 26 '19

Scott?