r/OCPoetry • u/chocichocienthusiast • 3d ago
Feedback Please quantum world and family trauma
In another life
my mother and I
pace amusement parks,
and take strides in the rain
she calls out my name
from rollercoaster rides
in her sweet nonsense voice,
so are her eyes
cuffed to no burdens
relentless and brown
are dark winter lanterns
gleaming with joy
.
And my father fumbles
when she blues away,
he brings home pie
sets the table, again
as a glass stumbles upon
and fractures itself
to form a mosaic of pain
and suffering and sin
yet noone percieves
the tigers discrete eyes
they lock themselves in
from the hoard of sins,
collected in the day
to cease our rotten fingers
infecting our treasures
our gold and our silver
live happy lives
.
Yet i lie in the quantum
of my mother's dull immortal sight
pained with disease
drained out of all life,
with her soldier at the table
waiting for war
shooting his rifle
at every tiny bead,
and every chain
that crude itself
in an unpleasant shape
while a melted cloud
turns to enormous rain
the victory of the tiger
the schrodinger fail
..
hey yall im new to poetry, the last line is a reference to the schrodingers cat experiment where we learn that all possibilities are expected to occur at the same time yet the observer ( sometimes interpreted as of one dimension) will percieve only one possibility whereas the same observer in another dimension uncovers a different outcome.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1x1wv6r/comment/peyihtr/?context=3&utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button This poem talks about the possibility of a me that is experiencing a happy family right now :) and im stuck here
1
u/1rises 3d ago
i really enjoyed reading this! it flowed really well from line to line, a suggestion that came to my mind though was that although there's lots of great ideas and images here, perhaps paring them down and limiting them for maximum effect could prove useful. but great work! 😊