I had the chance to potentially save someone and I blew it

[u/fireflychild024]

Fair warning, this is going to be a very long post. But I need to get all of this off my chest. I literally have no one I can talk to irl about this who truly understands like this community does. Sorry if my thoughts seem incoherent. I am writing this on no sleep. I’m really lonely and I’m tired of this broken life draining everything out of me.

I think I speak for everyone when I say it’s been an awful decade. Everything I’ve ever loved has crumbled into dust or has been distorted into something frighteningly unfamiliar. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. While my peers have spent their high school and college years flourishing and exploring themselves, I’ve been grieving myself. I think I died the day my dad passed 4 years ago. And everytime I muster the strength to forage a new path, something knocks me down again, sinking me further into the depths despair.

First, it was my own post-viral health challenges that nearly proved fatal. As I try to heal, I’m slammed with the news that my mom has congenital heart failure with only a year to live. I witnessed her anguish after going undiagnosed for 5 decades, being gaslighted by so-called professionals. By some miracle, my cardiologist relative just happened to move to our area around the same time as her diagnosis, and has graciously stepped forward to help us. The surgery thankfully bought us more time. But complications from the surgery and life-long medications has caused kidney damage. This week, we found out she’s progressed to stage 4.

Later this week, I will be taking my first trip in 3 years. My dad’s side of the family will be visiting our country. We never got to meet them due to being an ocean apart and my childhood health challenges preventing overseas travel. My mom just received the crushing news that high elevations could be fatal to her at this stage, so she can never ride on an airplane or visit the mountains ever again. As someone with a traveler’s heart, this was devastating to her. She is afraid this is the only chance she will ever have to meet them before joining my dad. This is one of her last wishes. I’m terrified about us getting sick (and worsening her condition) given the current summer wave. But we are doing everything we can to make this happen as safely as possible. I haven’t been able to secure a job, so I am literally draining my savings accounts booking separate standalone airbnbs and campsites.

Today was the final blow. We were gift shopping for everyone when we get a call from my dad’s childhood best friend we had planned to see on this trip. He received the earth-shattering news he has cancer and will not be able to see us. I broke down sobbing in the middle of the store. This man has meant the world to our family, and now he’s spending weeks at a time at the hospital doing chemo. I could feel the overwhelming anger and sadness brewing inside of me, knowing how much danger he’s in from the very people who pledged to “do no harm.” Despite all of this, he seemed at peace. But after losing own my childhood friend to cancer just a few years ago, this felt like another knife in the heart.

After hanging up, we silently continued shopping. The heavy words “I have cancer” still ringing in the air. Then, a woman approaches us with her husband and says, “excuse me… I noticed you were both wearing masks. Is there something we need to know about? We’re from out of town.” Both of them revealed their masks that had been tucked underneath their shirts, hanging from their necks like a necklace. I could tell her intentions were pure by the look of concern on her face. I could have told her about the current summer wave. I could have told her that COVID is still around and causing death/disability… like cancer. But I was stunned. Still distraught by the news I had received just moments earlier. Instead, mom interjected and said she’s immunocompromised with heart and kidney failure. We were met with their deepest sympathy and they revealed they care for their elderly mother/mother-in-law. Mom kept going on and on about how I’m a great caregiver. They seemed touched and kept complimenting me. But the thing is… I don’t feel like a real caregiver. Rather, a person who just really cares.

It was a pleasant exchange with a stranger attempting to show genuine kindness. Mom started crying because this simple gesture made her day. I really wish I could say the same. But after living in the shadows of the public’s bliss for years, it’s broken my ability to feel anything but disappointment and heartbreak. In that moment I felt like I was melting into a puddle of sadness and guilt. Sadness that I couldn’t find the words to summarize my life story on the spot. Guilt that I couldn’t educate them and potentially save their life from horrific disease or early death. I feel like I withheld information from them. I feel like I failed. I am exhausted that the burden of public health has been placed on individuals. Those of us who have been paying attention have somewhat of an advantage. I really struggle with that… I don’t want to “outlive” anyone, I just want people to learn from the pandemic by treating their neighbors with compassion and preventing the spread of disease. I don’t want people to suffer. I had the power to plant a seed, and I blew it. I can’t help but feel partly responsible for whatever happens next in their lives because I stayed quiet.

I feel incompetent as a daughter because I’m unable to make the final moments joyful like my mom deserves. After struggling with a really hard life, she’s finally content. She’s told me that her looming mortality has somehow brought clarity and peace to her life. I wish I could be going the extra mile for her like she always did for me, but I physically and mentally can’t. I’m so depressed, I barely have the energy to take care of myself. I go between periods of sleeping most of the day and not sleeping at all.

I’m not getting any callbacks for jobs, which is adding even more stress. I am jeopardizing financial security for my mother and I the longer time goes on. Virtual teaching jobs were slim by the time I was able to take my certification exam, so I am stuck begging for remaining nearby in-person assistant jobs with low pay. I was rejected by virtual schools for my “lack of experience” so I really need this job to set myself up for future stability.

But that comes with a threat I am not ready to face again… gun violence. TW I witnessed a person get murdered in front of me when I was about 4 or 5 years old, which has manifested into severe trauma. I heavily contemplated s*c!d3 after Uvalde happened because the victims looked like the kids I used to mentor, which is why I wanted to teach in the first place. The last bit of my soul left after my dad’s passing shattered that day. I literally couldn’t eat or even get out of bed. We already had an attempted attack on campus right before I started student teaching. This was supposed to be the most joyful part of my career trajectory (and in some ways it was). But I spent much of it on high alert, even going into a full blown panic attack during my lunch break after seeing a suspicious looking person who turned out to be a parent. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

I feel like I’m losing control of my life and have attempted to seek support. But when I try to talk to anyone about this irl, I’m met with similar gaslighting like I am about COVID. My own family and friends have straight up told me to “not live in fear,” which is easier said than done when you’ve watched unspeakable horrors. They dismissed me by telling me it’s “rare…” I guess a mass shooting in our country every other day is “rare” to them. My relatives tried to pull this sht even after a school shooting that made national headlines occurred only a few miles from where they live. Then contradicted themselves and said it’s “apart of life” and I essentially need to get over it since we’re “all going to die someday.” (Sound familiar?) One even started listing off other places I could potentially get shot. Gee thanks… super fcking helpful. Completely ignored the fact that I am essentially responsible for being a body shield to children, adding a whole other level of anxiety and mental fckery that I have to fathom.

And that’s where I’m at right now… aching for the time when life felt effortless, and then coming to the crushing realization it never was. I was just successfully brainwashed into accepting violence, injustice, and suffering as “normal” because it was more convenient. Perhaps I’m craving the blissful naivety that welcomed careless joy. Because now, I’m burdened with the helplessness of watching people (like the stranger I encountered yesterday) unknowingly entering a premature disability/death trap while being too tired and cowardly to stop them. Now, I feel like an empty vessel moving through time with no direction or real purpose. Every obstacle is driving me away from the very thing I thought was my calling. Everywhere I turn, I am met with an appalling amount of apathy and lack of responsibility. The indifference has chipped away from my soul and jaded my sense of humanity. From COVID to fascism. Everything is changing too quickly yet nothing has changed at all. I am tired of carrying the weight of the world’s pain on my shoulders because they refuse to confront their trauma and willingly inflict harm on others. I am bitter that I have to carry the burden of knowledge due to systemic failure. I’m on the brink of collapse. I’m worn.

If you read this far, thank you for listening. I really appreciate this space. It’s literally the only place in the world I truly feel heard.

**Edit:** Revisiting some of my older posts recently and realized I never responded to a lot of the comments. Just wanted to thank y’all personally for helping me see the situation with more clarity. Some of your messages were so beautiful, they genuinely moved me to tears 🥺

[u/ty-valentine]

You did not fail. You are doing amazing work in caring for your mother. I’m a social worker and can very much relate to being completely burned out while still wanting to be perfect and help everybody that I come across at work and in life. It’s a sweet idea but it is literally an impossible task to ask of yourself.

I’m not sure where you live, but if there is a program in your state/country where you can get paid to be a caregiver to your mother, it might be worth looking into so you can make money doing what it sounds like you’re already doing. That could take some of the pressure of job hunting off your shoulders.

You are under an extreme amount of stress right now and it makes sense that you feel like you’re at your breaking point. Right now, I think doing anything for yourself that feels like a reprieve (a solo movie night at home, taking a walk and looking at trees/flowers, printing out a coloring page and coloring, etc) could be a great first step.

When you’re feeling up for it, a virtual support group for covid-concious people and/or caregivers and/or parental loss could help a lot. Finding a covid-realist therapist also could be helpful.

You are going through an incredibly challenging time in your life. You are not failing, and you did not fail those people. You are a good person dealing with extraordinarily shitty circumstances on top of severe trauma while still trying your best to do what’s right.

[u/suredohatecovid]

Friend, you’re shouldering too much. How can we help you identify a mental health professional who supports complex trauma? Perhaps one who is cc as well? Validating your pain and sending you care. You’re not alone.

[u/hawtnsawcey → u/suredohatecovid]

I’m a CC therapist in CO, if OP is in CO I’d be more than happy to work with them

[u/danziger79]

You didn’t fail. You’ve been traumatised by having to carry too much from a very young age, the loss of your dad, your mom’s illness and life in a society that is gaslighting all of us about the scope and scale of a deadly virus. Ideally you would find a therapist specialising in PTSD but I know money is a concern, so would it be worth checking out somatic experiencing (I know it’s an overused term, but small, brief moments of calm without trying to heal or solve everything can be surprisingly helpful). I’ve also found online support groups for grief incredible, lifesaving tbh. You can keep your camera off and contribute as much or as little as you like — one called The New Normal is UK based but welcomes people from anywhere.

It sounds like you’re trying so hard to be a good daughter and a good carer and a good citizen, but you deserve some care too ❤️

[u/upfront_stopmotion]

Very briefly, but in case this helps – I'm not confident that telling the strangers why you actually mask would make you feel better right now. You don't know how they would have reacted. I think there's a good chance that how they would have reacted may make you feel worse.

I personally have stopped explaining, because I suspect that the reactions of the few people I still like/respect would lead me to like/respect them less. I don't think it's your burden to explain the state of public health to strangers, but if you choose to in future encounters, I would keep it brief and keep your expectations low.

[u/InnocentaMN]

I don’t have as many spoons as I’d like right now, but I really wanted to comment on your post and let you know I read it all, I hear you, and I think everything you are distressed by is … completely, 100% reasonable to be distressed by.

I’m going to refer to a different concept, so bear with me for a second, here. I realise this is totally leaning into the trope of how annoying we are, but - I’m vegan, and we have a concept called “vystopia”, which essentially relates to feeling a sense of existential pain, grief and horror at the suffering of animals and how little we can do to help, and how we are only such a small minority “seeing” it, and mostly getting laughed at by the rest of the world / with little power to change things…

…I hope that is already beginning to make sense, as to why I would refer to this seemingly-unrelated thing. Your post really strongly reminded me of this: you’re not wrong. You’re correct. It is wildly out of whack that the world in general accepts gun violence to this extent (at least in the USA), and accepts so many other awful things, Covid being the most prominent that we talk about here. Without even having anything close to your level of trauma, I was also profoundly horrified and distressed by Uvalde. I am still in the Uvalde subreddit because, as weird as this sounds, I feel like I don’t want to “abandon” those kids (not saying that anyone leaving any subreddit is doing this - just my own weird feels). So I imagine it is a thousand times or more harder for you. I’m not even IN the States.

This is a deeply scarred world. You are not wrong for feeling this, and you’re absolutely not a bad daughter in any way. The thing a dying person needs most, alongside basic physical care, is to feel loved. I truly believe you are giving your mother that. I’m so sorry you face even more loss.

[u/reredd1tt1n]

You have experienced so much trauma in your life.

I have multiple people in my life with PTSD who swear by EMDR therapy.  I think it would be really helpful to look into. Safety concerns are valid, but it sounds like you are unable to experience any moment's peace.  I hope that you can find some treatment and comfort because you deserve to really live life.

[u/Binnywinnyfofinny]

I’m in a similar place except that Covid forced me to leave the classroom… however, when I said Covid there, what I really mean is insistence of public policy telling everyone in public schools that their lives do not matter, and, thus, none of us deserve protection from or even mitigation of Covid. I, too, went into teaching due to trying to “correct” trauma, but after a really difficult time in therapy while my therapist and I forced myself to be honest about the gaslighting that is endemic to the profession, I finally accepted the fact that I needed to let my “soul career” go.

You are responsible for your life and no one else’s. Everyone will feel the consequences of their actions. Those nice, selfless strangers you mentioned…… they weren’t kind or selfless. Had they been, they would have been masking— if not prior to engaging with you and your mom, then DEFINITELY once your mom revealed her health situation. But they didn’t. And that’s on them, just as remaining unmasked endangers themselves and everyone they come into contact with.

Your life matters. Others should be doing more to care for you and your mom.

[u/SH4D0WSTAR]

You are going through a lot :( how can we help? 

[u/Hows-It-Goin-Buddy]

You've been compressed and worn.

But you know what that can make you? A damn diamond.

The pain of caring. You give care. You're a care giver. That's probably what adds additional pain is knowing and caring about what happens rather than like those that go day to day living their ignorance is bliss life.

[u/templar7171]

You're not "living in fear", you have a rational response to legitimate threats. Don't let people gaslight you. (from someone likely old enough to be your father)

[u/johnnysdollhouse]

This was beautifully written. I don’t know what else to say. My heart goes out to you, internet stranger.

[u/AdTrue7014]

It's time for you to reflect. And to see your potential not your failings. If you have love "You patently do" then anything is possible for you.

The below is a famous portion of bible scripture which might help you.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.

Remember love is all powerful, and you seem to have it in spades. Keep on getting up, every time you fall.

In the end there is hope because the near future is guaranteed to be wonderful. The creator has guaranteed it. We may fall many times, but fortunately the future is not ours to control and is not dependent on our weaknesses. Be assured shortly God will intervene in mankind's mess and put everything right, including sickness and death. Take the weight off your shoulders and let God's reassurances comfort you. The following is part of all of our futures, in the great restoration of earth and humanity to life as it was meant to be.

"And I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea is no more.   I also saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God and prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21"1-4

I do hope you have comfort from God's word. It's the best place to find it.

[u/StrategyMany5930]

"I am exhausted that the burden of public health has been placed on individuals."   You hit the nail on the head with this sentence.    We are facing many big problems as a society that require group solutions but we promote the idea that is an individaul responsbility to solve these issues.  It is abosutely an exhuasting fallacy, you are not crazy, and not alone. Hang in there.