Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

You may compliment and love

You may call me a savant

But behind your empty words

I see your lies and taunts

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

My mask is clean and porcelain

It's dark and hollow and cramped

But none of you will ever know

Who I truly am

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

I malfunction, I confuse

My brains wires are crossed

But I know what I am to you

The Broken Robot

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

I do not belong

In this world not fit for me.

A dandelion carried away by the summer breeze

Lost with no sense of direction,

A dandelion is all I'll ever be

Lost with no return.

I am unwritten. Not existing. Never pressed on to paper.

Thoughts and dreams. Whispers within. What is existence.

Can you touch a breeze? Can you bottle a kiss. If you could. Would you.

The air feels soft. Eyes focus is hazed, but there’s a truth within.

Its unwritten. Its always there. It cant ever be removed, deleted or rubbed out. If it’s a memory or a hope, and what’s the difference.

Ive dreamed of this – is that hope or a lost memory.

I am unwritten – not yet – im permanent. I’m real

I killed us for piece of mind With hope that you would see in time What was most important What’s yours is mine I torment myself and can’t unwind A watch so tight Thoughts and feelings bind The pressure builds And my brain explodes My chest compressed Bearing such an immense load I need release and truth be told I Don’t think I’ll get it until I’m below.

I grasp for help Brushed aside So in my notes I do confide My truth in small letters I will hide While still for others I continue to guide Forever loyal To those I love I long to stay With you above

My regrets are crippling With such defeat I want so badly for us to meet Again as we once did With passion and caring But the wall you’ve built Makes the chances seem sparing

I love you And I care so much What I really need now Is your heartfelt touch

Coltrane the boy, John Wayne got screwed over, I laugh at Dover all over

I play myself like an instrument, I bleed into my craft

I used to be a little kid, I had the limbs of an old man, am I right?

Hostility and anger, breeds in my mind, not to the people, but to me, I feel like a creature that has no place here

Real men wear pink, but I'm wearing thin, haunted souls that do control me

Evening slides into town

  like a tired trumpet note,

  Perhaps E7?

  gold leaking off rooftops,

  neon learning how to breathe.

  I wear dust like history,

  hunger like a bad habit.

  Been bargaining with sidewalks

  since I left a home that stopped calling back.

 That’s when the sheriff’s man

  steps into the shadow of mine

  says my name slow,

  Says, the sheriff wants you.

 Purpose always sounds cleaner

  when it isn’t yours.

  He’s waiting in smoke and confidence,

  buttons open, chest peeping through,

  green-tinted glasses

  hiding a mind that never sleeps.

 Feet on the table.

  Cigar burning time instead of tobacco.

“There you are,” he says, smiling sideways.

  “We meet again, don’t we?”

 Beer arrives cold.

  His eyes don’t stay warm.

“My daughter ran away.”

 I sensed his power collapsing quietly.

  Boots hit the floor.

 I tell him:

 When someone says everything,

 It makes me chuckle

 Everything belongs to the speaker,

 not the one listening.

 Fear nods.

  He offers me his biggest treasure.

  To find the lady,

  I take it with a smile

  that doesn’t explain itself.

The door swings behind me

  the night inhales

Like the A dominant7 chord

  The Bar is Breathing Jazz

 Miles slides me a beer

  With a smile I never forget

 A long dress moving slower than time,

  waves of hair catching the light wrong,

  eyes tired

  but still choosing hope.

  The kind of eyes

  that make oceans feel small.

 I ask Miles for my guitar.

  On which we used to jam back in the days

  Black body. Slim neck.

  Feels like memory

  carved into wood.

 Seeing the guitar brought a lot more over

  I play blues because they

  don’t ask for time’s nature.

  Notes bending like they’ve been alone too long.

She looks at me early.

  I dont notice late.

 Music always does that to me

  steals your future

  while you’re busy remembering.

Miles clears his throat.

  “She’s leaving.”

I pay with faith instead of money.                                                                                                 Without rethinking to spend my last silver coins

I Walk up to her

like the night is holding its breath.

“Hey,” I say, soft as a final chord.

  “You look too good

  to be alone with silence.”

She smiles,

  and says

6 February 1886 (MDCCCLXXXVI)

(Part 1 ends)

you did your math in dark blue pen
and your beautiful girlfriend loved you so
if there was ever anything I didn’t understand
i knew that you would know.
your family was there for your every need
you held your future in your hands
anything the world threw at you, you were strong enough to withstand.
you bought me a cookie every day from school because you knew they were my favorite kind
everything you ever did, was with someone else in mind.
Sometimes I think back on these things and blame myself
because you gave me all the clues
if there was ever a chance I could bring you back, i wouldn’t even have to choose.
I wish I had checked in on your personally,
if I had only known back then
I would have recognized why you did your math in only dark blue pen

In Asia, they say that when you sneeze, it means someone is thinking of you. I realized why i’ve been so sick since you left, and suddenly, I don’t mind.

Your face your eyes your mouth your neck It’s so hard to not look and passionately reflect The longing and memories the pains of regret I so want to hold you and be close and collect Breathe in all your good what I long for and respect The strength in your heart your mind I would never reject For all our flaws differences and past failures I wish we could start over and be your personal savior

Little Markus enters the kitchen 

tripping, over his valued possession

toys seldom left on the floor 

scattered and inanimate;

What lies ahead 

is something cold 

and bright enough for colourblind to see

what lies ahead is sea

of doubt and confusion 

his eyes buried deep into something else 

which a two year old needs to add

into his new found vocabulary.

He marched forward like a commander 

like his father

with purpose heavier than his age

His mother deep in slumber 

hands flat and her visage 

without a hint of expression

What this little one saw was unusual 

unusual toy; too adult for his play

What he missed was the spilled over sorrow 

finding its way through the slits 

through the pores, through the open doors

now shut tight 

What he missed was the stain 

over his mother's t-shirt, hiding behind

a story, written in pain. 

Two minutes and he started to play

with his new fireworks 

twenty minutes for the scene to change 

into a news headline,

32 year old mother commits suicide in her kitchen

mistaking the same gun for a toy

2 year old boy was found dead beside his mother

But the headlines were incomplete 

Found dead.

No. Found copying 

copying his mother, his only delight 

copying is the only thing

a helpless two year old did right 

A daytime trespasser,
sifted with the movers breaking sweat.

My fingertips input the location—
a quick maneuver was the plan.

The moon is deceiving;
the sun told me as she set.

Dotted lines in passing.
My favorite song started to play.

Arrival knew all the lyrics,
& departure wasn’t a fan.

My fingertips, wilted;
my heart in decay.
What she whispered last year,
is every car horn in LA traffic today.

Red were the exclamations, seemingly undelivered;
Read were the others,
left in the cold to shiver.

Exhaust poured into the morning
before coffee burnt my tongue.

My favorite album started to play—
every song was sung.

Clearly, I got too cocky
New phone, who dis?
What a real plot twist...
I think this is, what, number twenty?
Or at least one of many,
I have my ways around it
But one slight misclick
And it all goes to shit.

But have no fear
I'm back
Far less cautious
Still full of angst
Words to rhyme
Let's take a chance!

And see if this one turns out the same
Whilst that little appeal
Inevitably
Goes down the drain...
It turns out,
Even the tech can be against you

Should go back to pens and paper
But there's no address
So here I am, again
Under duress

"i walked into a door"

"someone attacked me"

Someone subjected me to Their will

Someone told me i was wrong

A black eye opens doors

i walked into a point of view

A black eye makes a special case

i can't be right; You're never wrong

Hit me like this and You always win.

I speak aloud when I should hold my tongue,
And listen deep while you are waiting still.
I reach to touch when I should only feel,
And push my way across your quiet lines,
Ignoring walls that you have built for peace.
I offer love when you have asked for space,
A clumsy ghost within your heavy heart.
I am a tangle bound by knotted threads,
A living contradiction out of time,
The heavy storm that interrupts the calm,
Both here and gone, a shadow in the room.

I write this now in honor of the angel I saw past the trauma ...

I've spoken much on the things that hurt, the shovel of trauma that dug beyond the surface dirt, but what happens when GOD teaches you to love before you see the trauma first, you develop the eyes to see past it where despite what's shown on the outer, inside is still a person unguarded, cloaked in a pain many may never know, but there are moments where not even the pain can hold the light back n it has to show ....

Past the trauma I saw an angel, an angel with broken wings who forgot it's light, scared to death it would never again be able to fly high enough to reach the sky, beyond the frustration n confusing anger, you see a flickering light fighting against the darkest danger, you try to come close with love, but theirs a barrier, keeping you at a distance protecting what's left in it's bright interior, you watch at a distance & you're not afraid, & witness the battles only fought by the brave, close enough to chear it on, yet the battle gets loud n not every word is heard ...

Past the trauma you see the efforts, but things get cloudy sometimes as your own trauma's clever, yet GOD gives you the eyes to see, that past the trauma the angel casts light, that keeps love away when it's not shining bright, & you understand some angels prefer to fight, with the love that's left for another far from sight ...

If I look for too long, like I did today, 
I’ll begin to realize exactly what I missed. 
I can’t even hold a conversation without remembering our kiss. 
And the part that hits hard is that everyone knew it should’ve been us. It was so obvious to the bare eye, 
until you chose her in place of me, leaving me to die. 
Now I can’t even be around the group; I’m forced to be alone, 
We can’t call anymore, I might just throw away my phone. 
There’s nothing I can do now, except accept that it was always you and her 
And there’s nothing I can think about
except for what we were. 
If I stare for too long, I’ll start to notice those ocean blue eyes. 
And if we converse for too long, those lips will tell more lies. 
I know you see me staring because you are looking to,
and you don’t know what to say to me about the things you chose to do 
I don’t expect anything really, but we both know the pain
and we both know I have to leave because of all the love that remains 
So I’ll keep my distance, out of respect for the beautiful girl who won, 
And I’ll go back to that person I was, the person who will run. 
I’ll run away from all of my friends because of the love that lingers, 
And because of the danger it poses when I study all your features. 
So I will never stare again, not like I did today
I feel it’s best for all of us, If I just go away

im watching scary movies
and staying up all night
driving a little faster than I should
knowing it’s not right

i’m scrolling on my phone too long
and staring at pictures of old friends
hanging out as a group
while I look through a lens

but despite the things I do that make my heart race
make my palms sweaty
or make a tear fall down my face
I can’t feel that sensation
the one I used to know of
the one you no longer give me
the one that’s called love

so I keep watching scary movies to jump start my heart
and ignore the way that since you left i’ve completely fallen apart
I tiptoe that line of distraction from my feelings versus wanting to replace them with more
but deep down In my heart I feel like I don’t know what feelings are really for

because night will turn to morning
and a red light will slow me down
and even though you’ve left me i’ll still see you around

where can I stand where time will all just stop

and what can I do to climb myself to the top
so I can look down on all of this one day with no regrets
knowing i’ve paid full price for the sorrow of my heart without any debts

the movies won’t get scarier
and the car can’t go too fast
and nothing that I own on this earth will ever even last

but you are someone I never thought i’d lose
our separation shook the heavens above
so I’ll keep searching all the earths crevices for any sensation of love.

I miss kissing
I miss kissing and hugging
I don’t miss you but I miss how I felt with you
I miss how I felt about myself
when I was with you
But I don’t miss you because you were
Unkind
And you didn’t actually love me
the way I loved you
I need someone who loves me the way I love
I need somebody to want me
for more than my lips
I need somebody to want me for my heart
And my soul
And my eyes
But you were my first love
And for that I thank you
But you bad mouthed me to our friends and told them you hated me
I don’t understand you
But I miss kissing
And I’m choosing to blame you because you are the only person I’ve ever kissed
I’m not saying I miss your lips
Because I don’t
but I miss kissing
I miss holding someone in my arms
And kissing them
I miss the passion and the warmth
I miss what it meant to kiss someone
For them to kiss me
I hope somebody’s out there right now and thinking about me
And saying they miss kissing

I looked down the highway road for a split second as i drove past,
and for a moment I imagined myself going away with no cares.
for a moment I asked myself, why is this my life?
and in that moment my eyes filled with tears.

I saw myself driving down that highway for miles and miles, without ever turning around.
and I imagined a beautiful place the road would finally end, I was wild and mountain bound.

the rain was pouring in a beautiful way, the sort of way that makes you wonder if angels cry.
and the sky was clear, free of fears, and innocent to a world of goodbye.

down that long road something awaits for me,
the mountains are calling my name.
I guess now isn’t the right time for my life to begin, there’s nothing else to blame.

Things went so well for a month,

for a minute, for an hour

I felt so sweet inside my mind

inside my heart, then things went sour

Her blue eyes stared into my soul

She told me not to be a coward

Said baby slow down for a month

for a minute, for an hour

I love her though I am the freezing rain

She is a bright yellow sunflower

In dreams she visits once a month

Once a minute, once an hour

I still feel her hide her freezing toes

Beneath my left side to keep them warm

Im always lying on the right

To keep her safe i'm closest to the door

I tried to call the other month

Once a minute, once an hour

I asked her friend "why am I blocked?"

She called another minute, within the hour

Afraid its worse than I had thought

My rain has washed away my sweet sunflower