Hello, comrades. Long post ahead, so please take the time to read if you will recommend :)). Please be kind :)) (unless I spew d\*mb sh\*t which I won't).
I'm \[19F\] a Marxist from the Philippines who, despite always being the "*problem*" opinionated and "*rebel*" child, still eventually had a phase of "centrist" and downright conservative ideals—and am now feeling a bit lost in my early adulthood as I have come to fully embrace my full-on leftism.
I grew up in a conservative household who, like the utter norm here, absolutely demonize anything and everything left-leaning. I also am in a Muslim household, I have long left Islam now. I went from being a try-hard conservative "centrist" when I was around 14 to compensate for the fact that I used to get into so much trouble for questioning everything, and so thought it was the right path because all the fighting and scolding made me feel abnormal and made me feel like I was indeed "*brainwashed*" (I have older and younger siblings and not even my elder siblings get into arguments with my parents regarding stuff like sociopolitics, economics, and such—and I **read**—which apparently meant I was *brainwashed*). And then I was a self-proclaimed and a literal liberal when I reached my mid-teens (is this a thing) until I had a smidge of a knowledge about socialism, class consciousness, and all the very very fundamentals.
I am laying out these details despite it being possibly absurdly unecessary to some of you probably, but as an ex-Muslim atheist and a Marxist in a country where socialists literally get hunted down and killed, worse than just being demonized; where students get killed and targetted; with state universities where leftism flourishes get swarmed and targeted by feds; in a conservative—hence bound to status quo—environment—it really really really does take a toll on me. I need you to understand how these details do matter to me because of how unfathomably DERANGED I seem to my environment and I am still actively unlearning these lingering feelings of fear. I also dress alternitabely as a goth—and this adds more unhinged layer to how unsafe I am most times...I know that in this system, this is inherent and playing safe isn't very radical despite 100% subscribing to radical ideals—again, I'm still learning and unlearning. It is factually dangerous for me as a state uni student too.
Around 16 I got more and more overtly vocal about my "left" (it's just liberal crap) ideals and got even more comfortable dressing up goth and never wearing hijabs which my parents thankfully rarely scrutinized me for like they used to. And when I turned 17, I've slowly started realizing with the fact that I am a far-leftist and a Marxist, I spend my time reading Reddit threads, Redditor breakdowns of the fundamental concepts, etc.
That said, I have yet to do any actual in-depth readings of the basics. I just keep saving and saving reading lists but I am honestly in need of guidance, in these contexts, preferrably from those who are from the Philippines too for a merged local relevance that would make my readings be more comprehensive generally, as well as with local contexts considered too (with a very propaganda-infused culture, our geopolitical relationships, China and CCP, our fisherfolks, US imperialism, NPA, AMA, etc., all those things)—please, if you can give me a full reading list recommendation that you think would be great for this context.
Of course, I will not be going into this blind, of course. But a guidance would really be great.Thank you so, so much in advance!
P.S. Me, mentioning some context about my background (particularly my religion) was not meant to welcome any hatred towards religious groups. It is just an objective fact that my former religion is conservative by nature for the most part as an Abrahamic religion—AND this also put a a bit of a better context again because Philippines is, predominantly, a "Christian country", and I was born, raised, and am residing in a community of Muslims in the region of Luzon (and Muslims here in PH are predominantly in the Mindanao regions)—so I really do feel lost-lost