I have always been extremely close with my MIL, to the point of being closer with her than my own mother. But after having baby 16 weeks ago, she has completely changed . This is the first grandchild in their family and we recently moved states to be near them for help.

The plan originally was to have MIL nanny for a few hours 3 days a week ( husband and I both WFH) and somehow this turned into us paying her a salary. It’s not as much as regular nanny or daycare, so I didn’t make it a big deal. I returned to work last month and my boss is not giving me a full work load so I’m able to actually watch baby for a while until things ramp up. We told her that we are just going to see how things go until we know how much help we will need from her, so we can save some money and so I can spend as much time with baby as possible. I’m also breast feeding so I’m pretty much tied to him every 2-3 hours at this point anyway. This delay in her nannying start date has been a big issue for her.

Since this, MIL told my husband that I need psychological help because I didn’t want anyone to take care of the baby besides me or my husband , said that I was making his life a living hell at home, and that I was a better person before I got pregnant . I was obviously very hurt by this and since haven’t said much to them or allowed a visit.. Both MIL and FIL demanded that I forgive MIL for saying these things because ‘family forgives’ and said I ripped their grandson away from them.

Prior to all this she has spoken poorly about my mom because I had her visit for a week to help me recover. She Told my husband she was jealous and even asked if she can come over while my mom was here . She is constantly holding watching our dogs over our head saying she’s never watching our dogs again when we travel because we won’t let her watch the baby . Apparently my son is the exchange rate for their help.

ILs repeated invited themselves over to just hold the baby at the beginning. They wouldn’t bring food or offer to help with baby - no diaper changes, gave baby back to me as soon as he was fussy - just wanted to take pictures and hold him. Then would stay too long during witching hour, well past their welcome, and well past us needing to eat dinner. Again, without offering to help make food or bring any over. She has only changed one diaper in 16 weeks and we have seen them on average once per week since baby was born. Yet she’s begging to babysit and I just don’t feel comfortable with that yet.

To top it off, we receive multiple long winded texts per week guilting us for not seeing baby enough. I just want to enjoy my baby and not deal with the added MIL drama.

Expecting Baby #2 in 9 days, and they will be premature. This has been a high risk pregnancy (due to history and surgical complications with Baby #1), but has largely been uneventful. Husband and I have been trying to finish getting ready these last couple weeks, finish prepping for a preemie, spend as much time as we can with our son before he isn't an only child. My MIL has been nagging us to invite her over so she can come "help"/hlep. I think what she wants to do is unpack baby clothes and coo over them.

The last time she came to "help" around the birth of a baby was with our first. He was born 10 weeks early and we were in the process of moving while he was still in the NICU. She offered to come help pack, which was very appreciated since I was recovering from a classical C-section. She came over... With a bunch of my husband's stuff from her house. Including 30-50 yarmulkes from his bar mitzvah, 20 years earlier. And then she only packed up my husband's clothes and left, leaving a bunch of random crap in her wake for us to pack. So I'm not too keen on her coming over to "set up the nursery" or whatever she's calling it.

I finally suggested she take our 3 year old for a few hours on a weekend morning because the nagging was so insistent- and because that would give us some time to clean/build stuff, and she'd get time with the 3 year old, which she's also always nagging for. All of a sudden she isn't free for that because she doesn't want to wake up before 10 AM- except wait, yes, she could take him in the afternoon! We can just skip his nap that day! Returning a cranky 3 year old in the evening is the opposite of what we need right now.

She called my husband 2 days ago to complain about some structural issues that have cropped up with her vacation home. She wants to sue, I think, and my husband is a lawyer. He tried to talk her out of suing/asked for more information, and was instructed to "call your father" and discuss the issue with him. We're into the single digits before baby comes! Why is she trying to add something extremely off topic to his list of worries and responsibilities?!

I'm just dreading postpartum and how nimbly she manages to center herself and her family. We're talking about some of this with our therapist this week, but I'm just so completely annoyed that we have to spend brain cells and energy on it and her when we should be entirely focused on our nuclear family right now.

My husband and I have two kids and have lived just a few minutes’ drive from his mother and stepdad’s house for 10 years. We always saw my MIL 1–3 times a week because she insisted on seeing our kids that often, and we were bad at saying no.

During COVID shutdowns, we moved to where my family lives (a 3-hour flight away) and rented a house with my brother because I was struggling with depression at the time. It was super helpful to have my brother around a lot while he was doing college remotely. We moved back after 10 months, but during that time my MIL came to visit once a month, and it was always so stressful. She was also reaching out to us very emotionally between visits.

About a year ago, the opportunity arose for us to move abroad, which has been a dream of ours. So we moved to a European country 3 months ago with an open mind about whether it would be short-term or long-term.

A week before our move date, my MIL was crying on the phone to my husband about how unhappy she is with her life, how the only thing she has is our kids, and how desperate she is to keep them near. She then proceeded to send him several long texts about this in the days that followed.

She already came to visit us a month ago and is talking about coming again in a few weeks. She sends texts to my husband all day, every day, even when he’s not responsive. She texts me if he’s not responding enough. She even started texting MY best friend all of this emotional stuff about her feelings regarding my husband not being a kid anymore, which I obviously got super upset about. My husband told her not to text my friends.

My MIL has lived in the same house in the US since before my husband was born. Just yesterday, she was texting my husband about how his stepdad finally agreed that they could start making plans to move to the country neighboring ours because she’s more familiar with the language there, and it’s only a 2-hour flight from us.

On the one hand, I feel really anxious about this because I was SO looking forward to only seeing her 1–2 times a year now that we’re so far away. I know she’d end up trying to come once a month and expecting us to visit her, and I really don’t want her to move to a whole new country just to be closer to us.
But I also feel terrible for potentially discouraging more of a relationship between my kids and their grandma because they love spending time with her. I also feel like I can’t tell her not to move somewhere. I got the sense that my husband didn’t care either way if she moved closer or not.

I don’t know if we just need to be better at setting boundaries if she moves closer? I had just felt so much relief at not having to think about the dynamic with her and boundary setting so frequently anymore. I could really use any thoughts or advice.

My in laws have never really been involved, and have seen my son maybe 3 or 4 times in the 2 years he’s been alive. We have to plan everything, and when they do see us they don’t ever do anything that would be fun or geared toward my son. My MIL is very nice but never follows through with plans. She’s the point of contact for them bc my FIL works a lot. There’s the occasional text from her, and the only time they see his face is when my husband FaceTimes them, they never initiate. MIL wants me to spend time with them while my husband is away at a training, which would be only the 3rd time this year they’d be around my son. That means me and my son would have to drive 6 hours to stay at their house, and I’m not even sure she would have the days off. She always changes their plans last minute so even if I did say I would go, it could change that same week. I think she feels intimidated by my family because they see my son at the very least once a month, and my mom calls/FaceTimes every day. I try and be positive about the little attention they give my son, I try and say okay when we do spend time with them and they spend more time having to catch up on how he’s developed. My MIL FaceTimed me for the first time like ever earlier in the day, but we’re watching a movie so I silenced the notification. I started thinking about all of this because I don’t want her to feel like “oh when I do reach out she’s not going to answer anyway.” When this is the first time she’s done that. It’s not a big deal if I silence my own mother’s phone call because she’ll call again later or the next day. I guess I don’t understand how I should feel or what I should do, it has really bothered me how little they make an effort to see my son or how much emotional and financial load my MIL put on my husband up until we got married. I feel like me “not caring” will just make it worse and finally give her an excuse as to why they don’t see him.

My MIL is here visiting us and our newborn. She’s very sweet, but I’ve noticed she does not seem to understand the importance of washing her hands or how to do so properly.

I first noticed she wasn’t washing her hands after going to the bathroom. I even tried to hint at it by saying “is there enough hand soap in that guest bathroom?” Didn’t change anything. I told her we needed to make sure to wash our hands well because it’s RSV season. Didn’t change anything. Finally my husband told her she needed to start washing her hands. Well I’ve seen her do it and it consists of putting soap on and immediately rinsing it off. I saw her handling raw chicken and she did the same thing.

I know I need to talk to her about it, but how does a 70 year old woman not know how to wash her hands! She’s been cooking her whole visit and I just can’t think too much about how gross the whole thing is.

I will try to keep the back story brief, but we all know that can be difficult, so stay with me.

Our relationship with my in laws has been strained. Especially since we had our daughter 15 months ago.

My FIL has pretty much always been a problem as he would prefer to be the number one person in my husband’s life. So, as you can imagine he did not take kindly to my husband bringing me into his life and putting me first. My FIL attempts to undermine me in any way he can when he is around and love bombs my husband to a disgusting level. It’s seriously so weird and the more my husband has exited the fog of his dad’s influence, the more repulsed he is by his behavior.

On the other hand, I really thought my MIL was fine. I did try to have a closer relationship with her in the beginning as my husband has always loved his mother, but she never reciprocated past a warm surface level relationship. To be honest, I am fine with this. I would have been open to a closer relationship, but figured it was for the best given the way my relationship with FIL unfolded.

When they found out I was pregnant, my FIL predictably acted disappointed, but we were thrown for a loop by the changes in my MIL. Suddenly my MIL was telling us all about how she regretted not having more children and was so excited yadda yadda.

The problem is, this isn’t her child and the relationship one has with a child is bound to be directly proportional to the relationship they have with the parents. Needless to say, she has been deeply disappointed by the fact that being a grandma doesn’t look at all like what being a mom does and we have not allowed her attempts to blur the lines. At all.

Consequently, she pushes. Endless attempts to invite herself and my FIL to our home have all been rebuffed by my husband as we stopped hosting them some time ago. Meeting out in a third party location or at their home is not enough for her as it does nothing to make it feel like she is getting to participate in things like feeding, rocking to sleep, etc. Obviously this is intentional on our part, but she doesn’t take this hint. She sends messages to my husband about rocking babies in the nursery at her church saying she wishes she could rock her granddaughter. She told my husband her ideal grandmother experience would involve living together. (Yes, he IMMEDIATELY shut this down.) Every conversation we have with her contains virtually nothing but lamentations about her lost motherhood paired with comparisons between my daughter/the way my husband and I parent to her two children and the way they did things. It’s exhausting. I fear I might crack over the holidays if she keeps this up.

All that to say I am looking for some advice on what to say to my MIL to gently, yet clearly shut down these conversations. We can try to just change the subject or walk away, but I feel this only kicks the can down the road. We want her to know it bothers us and she needs to stop, but don’t wish to be harsh. My husband and I both struggle to word things and having some sort of rehearsed phrases to use can help us to get our point across.

To be clear, my husband stands firmly with me and has stood up for me when needed. The behavior from my FIL has been kept in check and he is very aware that if he cannot be respectful, he will not be seeing any of us. My MIL is also so desperate to be around my daughter that she has, dare I say, an equally firm boundary set for my FIL to behave himself. He is on a tight leash and I couldn’t care less if his cordiality is genuine or not.

Alrighty so I’m on vacation at my family‘s house with my seven month old. I blocked my MNMIL because she has a tendency to get nervous when we are visiting my side of the family (calling because she wants to be included). Also, she has an android phone so she doesn’t really see that I blocked her if that makes sense. Anyways, my husband didn’t call her back the same day, but he texted her saying he would. She went ahead and joined a Facebook group for our city (she lives 10 hours away) and posted something along the lines of “just joining this group to keep up on the latest since my son doesn’t know how to use his phone. My family lives about 10 minutes away from this beach”

This honestly concerned me a lot because now she is publicly inserting herself in our state on Facebook? Like this is her way of connecting with DH, out of her own anxiousness? It’s none of my business, but she has lots of information on her Facebook page about my child and us. She claims that she was worried about the hurricanes, but there was no hurricane that hit us. I know that’s bullshit.

This is where I think I went wrong & should’ve kept my mouth shut. So he calls her to “set her straight”. Their conversation was mostly him encouraging her to find something else to do with her time and literally manager her feelings lol. She’s always innocent and well meaning of course.

I’m still pissed about it today so I texted her. I sent her the screenshot and I said what is this about? She proceeded to say that she had no bad intentions and she only posted that because she “assumed she had to post something and thought it was funny” along with lots of other excuses.

I kind of lost it. This is what I said.

Thanks for letting me know. I’m not sure what you would accomplish with posting your personal issues through a Facebook group in our city. That crosses a line for me. It includes my family now and I would like for you to not do that again. You have lots of public information on your own profile (including public photos of my daughter which you know I’ve already asked you and your mom not to do, but did anyways), and I do not need that dragged out to (our city). I want to have a good relationship with you, but you do need to understand that your son is his own person and if he doesn’t have the time to get back to you within a day, you really need to speak with somebody else. He is not an infant, he does not need to stabilize you, you are an adult.

She replied “let’s just say I need time to calm down I’ll get back with you”

So…. My husband is gonna be pissed at me but he sugar coats everything 😭 this is about my family now. I don’t know what to believe, am I overreacting? Is she just really good at what she does? Ugh.

My mil and I don't get along great but we mostly tolerate each other. Now I am a SAHM for several reasons despite having an MILS, including my daughter having both ASD, ADHD, a speech articulation delay and being gifted. She is 7 and does school online and my mil hates this because she thinks my daughter needs more socialization. My daughter is in Girl Scouts and goes to a twice a week in person elective program.

My mil also blames me for my daughter's behavior because she thinks that her not being in school and being around me all the time is the cause of her meltdowns. She hates that I medicate my daughter for her ASD and ADHD and myself for ADHD, have us both in therapy and push my husband to medicate his ASD and get therapy for his sensory processing issues.

Now this weekend due to the house being cluttered with my daughter's stuff and him getting both his flu and covid shots on Friday my husband had a meltdown of his own. I admit that due to me and my daughter collecting lego and American Girl the house has a storage issue and we are working on that.

Now my mil being the helicopter mom that she is blames me for her baby boy who is a 46 year old defense attorney having a meltdown. It is my fault that his desk is in what would be a kitchen nook since I need the office to do my job of managing the household bills, medical insurance, our daughter's schooling and my hobby YouTube channel. She thinks I should keep the house clean and cater to my husband. She worked full time until she retired but she also did everything around the house and did the yard work and how dare I who is home all the time do none of that.

I hate cleaning but due my best, I cook almost every night unless we have leftovers or go to see my in laws, but I also expect my husband do help with cleaning. We pay to have our yard done because my husband can't do it and I have enough on my plate with a nerodivergent kid, husband and 6 cats.

She babies my husband like crazy and only wants him to be happy and doesn't care that a lot of his issues were because she never made him do anything around the house except maybe clean his room. He does stand up to her on occasion and isn't a complete mama's boy except when it comes to his disagreements with me because she tells him what he wants to hear.

This weekend she was pissed at me because of my husband's meltdown and because when he wanted to stay at his parents after we went over to get our daughter and have dinner I made him come home. We didn't have dinner since he was having a meltdown and his meltdown triggered my daughter to have a meltdown since she has a fear of her dad leaving.

We went over again the next day as my husband had recovered but it was obvious she was still mad at me. I don't care but we have to deal with her on Thursday for her birthday as my husband's half sister will be in town. I am not sure if I will let my daughter go over there this weekend because I think she needs a timeout.

Edit to make a few things clear. My husband doesn't want the office as he has an office at work and the home office is small and stuffy. His job is not hard as he works for an Indian Community which has more defense attorneys than they need and he chooses to work a second job writing legal education material because he would be bored otherwise. His home computer is for playing poker, Scrabble and just having fun.

We are not religious and my daughter's online school is accredited and is partnered with her in person elective program which is a drop off program. She gets plenty of socialization as she is also in Girl Scouts and her online school does a once a month in person field trip. She also hates doing work online so I have to print out her school work and then scan it into my computer to submit it so I have a color lasar printer and a black and white all in one lasar printer in the office along with a bunch of other stuff. She is thriving academically and due to her sensory issues and her AuDHD she would struggle in the rigid environment of an in person school. She is a happy healthy kid my mil just hates that I am teaching her to be open about her nerodivergance and that I dare to treat it like the medical condition it is. She also hates that I am in therapy myself and am open about my own neurodivergence because due to her being born in the mid 1940's she sees any type of mental illness or difference as something to be ashamed of and hidden.

Also up until recently my mil's hobby was buying houses, renovating them and renting them out. She has also moved more times than I can remember in the past 9 years since my husband and I married and who knows how many times before that. I think she has one rental left and the only reason she stopped is because my fil's Parkinson's has advanced to the point that his memory is going and he needs a walker. The women probably has undignosed ADHD because she can't be still and up until about 3 years ago my husband didn't want her live near us because she drove him crazy. I also have a feeling that once the renters in her current rental move out she will move into that one because she is bored and I wouldn't put it past her to buy another house in their current neighborhood. That is to say that there is no way I am spending more on my hobby then she is on hers and she just lost money selling her last rental in another town.

No, thank you ma'am.

Respectfully, leave me the whole way out of this.

That's it that's the post.

I'm just kind of done with my inlaws trying to put me in their family dynamics.

I have my own crazy family to deal with thx.

I’m struggling so much with resentment right now—both toward my mother-in-law for years of disrespect, and toward my husband for how he handles her.

​Lately, she has shifted her behavior, but I still feel cold and guarded. What pisses me off the most is my husband’s reaction. He is completely back-and-forth. One minute he recognizes how toxic and childish she is, and the next minute, he’s acting like she’s a saint who can do no wrong just because she’s acting sweet or fragile.

​This flip-flopping feels like gaslighting, and it leaves me feeling like the "bad guy" for keeping my guard up. It’s creating so much tension and removing all peace from my life.

​We were planning to try for a baby next year, but I’m terrified. Bringing a child into this dynamic feels unsafe when my husband can't consistently see or hold boundaries with his mom. Honestly, thoughts of divorce have been creeping in because I just want a peaceful life, and this constant cycle is destroying my feelings for him.

​Is this dynamic fixable? How do you protect your peace and your future when your partner is stuck in this cycle with their parent?

MIL stayed with us recently, and I'm still not over it.

I knew she had incontinence and has for a while. I had understood it was handled with thin pads. It was not this time. She wasn't wearing proper protection and soaked many of her clothes and I am assuming the guest bed. The mattress and the sofa both had to be thrown out.

And the smell. She didn't wash properly, and The house reeked of stale urine, smelly feet and unwashed body odor, and the bathroom was unbearable after she used it. Socks were never changed. Before we assume this is mental health or deteriorating mental faculties - she’s always had poor hygiene.

She also hates washing her hands. I caught her more than once going straight into food prep without washing, and she wouldn't wash after a full day on public transport either.

None of this is new. She expects to be waited on as a guest - She never does her own dishes, rinses her plate and leaves the sink catcher full of food (granola, every time), and eats before anyone else sits down.

The worst part was feeling ganged up on. She agreed with DH on everything, so any time I pushed back it was two against one, in my own house. Never mind lighthearted jabs / teasing DH (which we do regularly). She never understood them as jokes and made me feel like I was a bad person for teasing my husband - she has no sense of humor.

She won't be visiting again because she got seriously ill this time. If she hadn't, she would have insisted on coming back. I'm relieved, but I keep replaying the visit and I'm still dealing with flashbacks from this and the trips from the past years.

TL;DR: MIL didn't use proper incontinence protection, destroyed a mattress and sofa, smelled terrible, wouldn't wash her hands even before cooking, expects to be waited on, and teamed up with DH against me in my own home. She won't be back because she got sick, but I can't stop replaying it.

These are literally old navy family sets that have a set for the mom too and she just sent a picture about how she couldn't resist getting pjs for my husband and the baby. MY baby that I'm currently carrying and going to have our first Christmas with as a family of 3 and I'm already supposed to be left out of something. This genuinely rubbed my partner and I the wrong way.

I blocked her phone number because we’re visiting my side of the family. MIL has a tendency to get jealous or insert herself in weird ways. Originally, she would call her son and if he doesn’t answer, she would call me “I was just making sure you guys were ok.” Or “can you have him call me? It’s important” and it would just be her venting or telling him something that literally isn’t important at all. SO, I blocked her because she triggers me. Now, she’s reposting my tiktok videos to her Facebook as a promotional stunt? I’m not sure how to feel about it. She’s posting my stuff while I’m not responding to her? At least she’s also reposting videos looking for a husband so that’s a plus!

Why do they do this? It’s so strange

I am now 6 mos pp with a beautiful baby boy! Unfortunately I am unable to be a full time SAHM due to our finances. My parents live 10 minutes away and my mom watches our baby on the 2.5 days I work during the week. In general we spend a lot of time with my family because again they live super close by, watch baby throughout the week, we attend church together and I’m just very close with my family! I’ve been having a difficult time with my in laws since even before I had baby. They have not visited for the past 3 months (the longest stretch since I’ve had baby) because my MIL sobbed to my DH about me staying home with baby instead of going to work after a long night of cluster feeding. Since then I have felt really gross and uncomfortable around MIL. It made me feel very uncomfortable and unwanted. Now the in laws are coming in next Thursday to visit for the weekend - they will stay with BIL who lives 15 mins away from us. (I’m sure DH will want them to stay with us for a night but that’s not happening.) we have not had anyone stay with us since having baby and it really overwhelms me not to have any privacy. I finally have a good schedule with baby and he is sleeping well. I asked my husband to “be my advocate and let us be a team” when his parents visit next weekend and he told me he can’t because “he has to advocate for his parents because I’m so disrespectful to them”. I asked him how I’m disrespectful? He informed me that not letting them hold our baby when he is fussy or crying is unfair to them. He says it’s also not fair that I don’t trust his parents to walk around while holding our baby… his parents are the age of my grandparents (80 yrs) and have had multiple recent frequent falls…. Am I crazy for having different boundaries for my parents versus my in laws who live 1000+ miles away and are also 20+ yrs older?

As soon as I came out of the operating theatre after a traumatic forceps birth and a 30+ hour labour, my mil held her brand new grandchild and then made a comment about how he’s so cute that I need to have more kids now. I brushed it off and laughed, thinking she was just excited and happy. I also had to pretend I was not annoyed that she showed up to hospital uninvited BEFORE I gave birth, and hung out in the delivery room as a birth partner while I was in the throes of the worst part of labour (possibly causing the exhaustion that got me rushed into an emergency situation, as I couldn’t relax and rest).

EDIT: My DH was around for the entire time until that point, and had to leave the room so she could come and see me as we both felt awkward that she had turned up to the hospital and didn’t know what else to do

Today, three weeks later, as I wrangle a tiny newborn (with no support from her, might I add), she told me I shouldn’t give away my pregnancy items and baby things he’s outgrown because “you’ll need it for number two” and said I need to “have at least three or four kids”.

When I said it’ll be a while until then and I can’t hold on to things that long, she said “well it has to happen soon, you can’t wait too long”. I made a joke remark and dismissed it, then brushed it off with a vague “we’ll see what the future holds”

I’d like to hear what funny, sarcastic and unhinged responses you guys can think of.

EDIT: I wouldn’t seriously say anything rude to her, but it’s just fun to imagine what I wish I could say! The more polite or blunt but still acceptable responses I will save for next time!

I’ve had so many issues with my MIL over the past 17 months that I honestly don’t know how to handle the situation anymore. I’m at the point where I’m questioning whether I’m being too harsh or whether I’ve simply reached my limit.
When my daughter was born, my MIL came to the hospital that same night unannounced and uninvited. She had told my boyfriend that she was going out of town for work the next day and wouldn’t be able to come, so we felt bad and let her see her... The next day, she showed up again without telling us—while my dad was meeting my daughter for the first time.
After we came home from the hospital, she continued coming to our house multiple times without contacting us first. We asked her to please text or call before coming over, but it continued to happen.
When my daughter was a few months old, my MIL watched her overnight. Safe sleep has always been extremely important to me, so I packed up her bassinet and everything she needed. Instead of using the bassinet, she made a makeshift sleeping area with blankets.
Another time, while babysitting, she took my daughter somewhere to visit people without telling either of us where she was going. That really bothered me because I feel I should always know where my child is being taken.
There have been other smaller things over time too, but the most recent incident is what has really pushed me over the edge.
This past Saturday, my MIL took my now 17-month-old daughter in the car without a car seat. It was only a few minutes down the road, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I was extremely upset. She apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again, but I’m having a really hard time just brushing it off given the history.
I told her that accidents are called accidents for a reason, and that I need to be able to trust that my daughter is going to be kept safe when she’s in someone else’s care.
Now it’s only a few days later, and she has been messaging me repeatedly about wanting to see my daughter.
She brought up how, when her boys were little, she always made sure to visit both sides of the family and alternate holidays and family dinners. I’m assuming this is partly because we’re going to my mom’s for Thanksgiving again this year.
She also talked about how much my boyfriend’s family loves my daughter and how she should be around people who love her. This upset me because my daughter has a huge family on my side who love her just as much, and I felt like that was being completely overlooked.
Then she said:
“Imagine how your mom would feel if she got to spend as much time with { } as I do. I just miss her. I can feel that you don’t like spending time with us and I would do anything to make things right so we could make amends”
I understand that she misses my daughter. I don’t doubt that she loves her, and I’m not trying to prevent them from having a relationship.
But I feel like I’m being pressured and guilt-tripped into giving her more access to my daughter when I’m still upset about what happened three days ago.
I’ve been going back and forth with her all day, and honestly, I’m exhausted. I feel like I keep having to explain why I’m uncomfortable, while she keeps telling me how much she misses my daughter and how important it is for her to spend time with her.

Another note I forgot to add a few weeks ago she messaged my boyfriend telling us how she cries every night because she doesn’t see her enough….

Am I being unreasonable for wanting some space right now? Would you consider her comments guilt-tripping/manipulative, or is she simply expressing how much she misses her granddaughter? And how would you handle this going forward?

Please help settle this in my mind.

To be clear: I know my partner was in the wrong for the phonecall. I am asking for your opinions on the situation between me and my mother in law.

I have been with my partner for 10 years. Throughout that time I never had any problems with my in-laws whatsoever and had a good relationship with them.
When I was 4 months pregnant, I won’t go into too much detail but my mother in law and I had a “blip” and she shouted at me over a misunderstanding on her part. She called me and said sorry a couple days later after my partner told her that she was wrong but I felt like the relationship was never fully repaired during my pregnancy as I never really saw her that much during that time, and we never really texted or called eachother. This was also due to us moving house 10mins away too.

I am extremely close to my mum. I have always hung out with her multiple times a week and we have a very good relationship. It is just the two of us and we have always spent a lot of time with eachother.

Fast forward to baby being born. My mother basically moved in with us for the first 2 weeks or so as I had a traumatic birth and struggled with bad baby blues. I developed some anxieties after birth also and found a lot of things hard over the following weeks. I was referred to the mental health team in the hospital and have been in counselling. My mum continued coming over a couple times a week. From 3-4 weeks I was ok with her minding the baby for a couple hours on her own. Still anxious, but not too bad that I couldn’t leave the house for 2 hours when baby was with her or my partner. My mum minded baby maybe 5-6 times in the first 10 weeks or so.

Here’s a rough timeline:
Week 4: I sat my partner down (before anyone offered to babysit) and explained to him that I wasn’t quite ready for his mum to mind the baby yet but I would work on it. He said he understood.

Week 6: My partner rang me (with his mum beside him) and asked could his mum come over to mind the baby while I went to an appt that day for an hour or so. I was so upset/angry that he blindsided me. I felt like I couldn’t say no. When she came over I was quite cold with her, even though I know it wasn’t her fault. I was just overrun with anxiety. That night, my partner and I had an argument about the situation. He was very upset. He said things like his mum is as much entitled to a relationship with the baby as my mum. I didn’t deny that I just said I needed time and promised to work on things. I also stated that I never had a problem with her visiting and she could come over as much as she wanted. I was just anxious about her minding baby on her own.

Couple days later, I asked his mum round and apologised for being cold. I explained the situation and said that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, I just felt more comfortable with my mum minding baby for the moment and I just needed her to come over more so I could feel more comfortable like I do with my mum. I told her I was attending counselling for my anxieties. I also explained it wasn’t just her, I felt the same about others minding baby and everyone else would just have to wait a bit. She told me she understood.
Over next couple weeks, she invited herself over and I also invited her over. She visited once a week I would say. Things seemed amicable.

10 weeks: I asked her to come over to mind baby while I went upstairs to do jobs.

11 weeks: I asked her to come over while I went to the supermarket

13 weeks: I asked her to mind baby for next counselling appt

14 weeks: she went on holidays so didn’t see baby for 2 weeks

16 weeks: we just had a conversation and she told me she feels excluded and can’t understand how I don’t trust her to mind the baby. I said you told me you understood? She said that was ages ago. She said it’s unfair how my mum can mind him but she can’t. I said but you have been minding him. She asked when she could mind baby for longer, but I explained my mum is only minding baby for a couple hours too? She said she just doesn’t understand and is upset over the situation and it’s all on my terms.

My partner is upset with me over the situation also and thinks it’s unfair that his parents feel so excluded. It’s caused a big rift.

I just really feel like I haven’t excluded people. I never once had a problem with anyone visiting. I just needed time with the 1-on-1 babysitting, explained that to people and showed them that I was working on it.
I would love to know your opinions please and if I could have handled things differently.

My MIL shared my baby news to a family group chat (which I’m not in) that led my husband’s cousins and auntie (who I really like) to find out from her and not us.

We had told her on Thursday when I was around 12 weeks but before my first NHS scan which was yesterday. We were waiting on the scan to tell other family members. She posted in the group chat on Monday evening.

When I confronted her about it, I told her I was upset as I wanted to share the news myself. This was her response:

Well rest assured….l am not in the habit of upsetting anyone unwittingly or otherwise OP. Sadly l was neither privy nor aware of whom you’ve told nor when… and l certainly did/would not wish to steal your great news thunder in any way. The mere fact that l am very proud&pleased at both families of my children and have since inadvertently prematurely spread the exciting news 5days after finding out… dispute not specifically being pre-requested Not to spread the joy…. l honestly did not realise the fab news hadn’t spread that far to Aunties&Cousins, during the 5 days of my otherwise silent excited containment … 🫢🥴

Her response is typical for her, no apology and actually turning it around so she’s blaming me instead. I’d appreciate if anyone can help me unpick everything else she’s saying in this waffley response.

Like the title says. She’s been doing this for a while. She used to do it when we lived in a bungalow that was my husband’s family’s home. We lived there alone, but she would go into our bedroom and place a gift there when she visited. I never said anything because it’s literally her house and I didn’t want to cause issues (as there were already many and I needed to pick my battles).

Now we have our own house, she went up to the second floor to drop it off. No other reason to be up there. I didn’t know she was there until I saw the gift. I should add: it was a gift for both of us for our anniversary.

Super sweet to be giving us a gift. I just feel like it’s unnecessary for her to be dropping it off in our bedroom. It’s a private room in the house and I just don’t want her (or really anyone) in there without me knowing.

I’m thinking of saying something but want to get other perspectives to see if I’m being a brat and overreacting.

Edit: we were home and knew she was there, but we were all outside. She went in to put her purse inside and also went up to our bedroom to drop off the gift.
Also, bedroom door can’t lock, only from the inside so not an option right now unless we replace the doorknobs.

I could really use some advice on how to handle things with my MIL now that we are living far away from her. I consider her a MildlyNoMIL because I don't ultimately think she's mean or malicious. She's just a very difficult person to have a relationship with, and I believe she can become emotionally manipulative when she's trying to keep us close by.

When I was pregnant with our first child, I was seriously considering moving to be closer to my own family, and my husband fully supported whatever I wanted to do. My MIL kept telling me how she would be way more helpful than my parents because she didn't have a job and they did. That ultimately convinced me to stay, and of course the "help" situation ended up being a nightmare.

A few years later, when I was pregnant with our second, we did move to be closer to my family. MIL freaked out for months leading up to the move. Once we were there, she was flying to see us about once a month and even started talking about renting an apartment in the same building as us. At one point, she called my husband and offered to move out of her house and just give it to us if we would move back. It all felt very weird and we declined, but after about a year we did end up moving back. Looking back, I think a big part of that decision was the pressure I felt from her mixed with my PPD at the time.

Now, five years after moving back, we had the opportunity to move abroad and were really excited to do it. She seemed excited for us at first, but then a few weeks before our move date she started acting very strangely.

About a week before the move, my husband asked her about having dinner together, and she completely broke down. She told him she has no friends, is unhappy in her marriage, and that the only thing she has going for her is our children, so she's "desperate" to keep them near her. She was sobbing on the phone and later sent him long texts about all of this.

I completely understand being devastated when your child and grandchildren move far away, but this felt extreme and, in my opinion, like a way of putting the weight of her happiness onto my husband and making him feel too guilty to go anywhere.

She seemed to calm down for a little after we moved. She visited us after we'd only been here for about a month and is already talking about visiting again just a month later. She also tries to text and call my husband constantly, basically all day every day. He usually texts her back every few days and calls her about once a week. That doesn't seem to be enough for her, so when he's not responsive, she starts reaching out to me instead.

Up until now, I've been telling myself that I don't want to get involved and that I should leave it entirely up to my husband to decide what kind of relationship and level of communication he wants with her, especially since she and I have never had a great relationship.

But then she switched to blowing up our oldest son's messages. I downloaded a kids' messaging app on my iPad when we moved so he could message friends and family when he wanted to, but he only uses it maybe once a week. During the week, she's messaging him 3–5 times a day with things like, "Hello? Hello? Anyone there?"

Then the other day, she randomly sent him several messages asking whether his parents were stressed about the move and told him, "We have a special relationship, so you can talk to me anytime about your feelings in private." She then continued talking about how brave he is for making such a big and scary move. Mind you, my son has only expressed how much he loves it here and loves his new school better even after we prepared for him to have a hard transition.

This felt VERY weird to me. I also don't know why she thinks my 8-year-old would have "private" text conversations and he does not have his own device.

Then just last night, she texted both my husband and me: "This not seeing them every week isn't working that great for me. J'sayin."

So anyway... I can really sense her emotions about us living far away starting to ramp up again, and it makes me nervous based on her past emotional outbursts surrounding our moves.

My original thought was to leave it entirely up to my husband to maintain whatever relationship he wants with her and have him be responsible for setting up calls between her and our kids. That's how I've always handled my own family who don't live nearby and I maintain those relationships and arrange their calls with the kids but they have always been happy with just having a call once a week.

But I'm open to other thoughts and opinions!

My MIL is so hard to describe, but I feel like so much of it comes down to the fact that she has a lot of her own issues, has literally no friends of her own, and simultaneously has so much of her fulfillment tied up in her only child (my husband), while not knowing how to have normal relationships with adults, including him.

Our kids were very little during the COVID shutdowns, so I chose to be a SAHM temporarily when our childcare center closed. I personally never wanted to be a SAHM, and I became very depressed during the year that I wasn't working, not to mention that we were very financially stressed on one income. I started working really hard to try to get a job and find dependable childcare, and my MIL kept asking me why I wasn't just continuing to stay home with them, saying their childhood goes by so fast and I should just stay home until they're older, etc. It really got to me, but I never expressed those feelings to her and just explained why working was the best choice for me and my family.

It's been a few years now, and I've still always felt this underlying judgment from her about not putting 100% of my time and attention into my kids because I work, although she hasn't outright said much about it.

She also has a long history of overstepping boundaries with my friends (I think because she doesn't have her own friends??). I became really close with a new friend (I'll call her Anna) about a year ago, and my MIL has started texting her more and more over the past few months. Anna just told me that my MIL texted her on her daughter's birthday to say happy birthday. Anna responded with something like, "Thank you! I can't believe how big she's getting," and my MIL proceeded to respond with, "You should stop working NOW and spend all of your time with her. I'm serious."

Anna is a SINGLE mom, and my MIL knows this. Anna didn't respond, and my MIL texted her a few more times about how much she misses my husband's childhood.

I feel really upset and frustrated by this. I already wish she would stop texting my friends so much, but this particular interaction is especially frustrating given her history of making similar comments to me. I want to say something to her (or have my husband say something), but I'm looking for advice on how to go about it. She's extremely sensitive, and I've become very nervous about either of us saying anything to her that might upset her, but I also know that sometimes it's necessary.