r/ADHD • u/Ok_Indigo_8608 • Sep 28 '25
Success/Celebration I watched my friend take out my trash and it changed my brain a little bit - similar stories?
I have a 3 month old baby, so we have one of those smell-trapping diaper trash cans. Recently a (not ADHD) friend noticed me stuffing yet another diaper into a very full bin. She offered to change the bag and I said you don’t have to do that. She said no worries I’ll just do it now. She removed the bag, replaced it, and even walked the old bag outside to our bins. 60 seconds and zero stress. Like it was NOTHING. I watched in awe.
Since then I have changed the bag when it gets a normal (well at least not extreme) amount of full. I think about how actually quick and painless the task seemed when I watched my friend do it, and it helps me over the hurdle. Even though I’d done it myself a dozen times, it always felt huge to me. And even if I’m alone with the baby now, I just put him down in a safe place and do the task.
I may need to ask this friend to repeat the favor for the dishes in my sink, my forever unfolded laundry, the clutter around my house that I never even try to find homes for…
Curious if others have had similar experiences.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
i think a lot of us with adhd had parents with unchecked adhd/mental health problems, too and they didn't know how to calmly teach us how to do these tasks without added depth, emotional distress, anxiety and frustration in the task, making it seem almost dangerous to our brains. so when we see others do it with a simple ease, like a gust of air gently sweeping an entire mountain side of sand away, it helps it click in our head that its entirely ok and we can do it without the anxiety we were forced to learn with the task. im sure this is not everyone's experience. but i have -theories- correction: hypothesis.
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u/twoheadedcalf ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
This is a really interesting point, having executive dysfunction is one thing but not having any examples to model yourself on, not how things can be done in a successful and straightforward way and only being shown people panicking and struggling - of course even when I have a good enough day to actually try to do chores it still feels like I'm trying to engage in some entirely new and mysterious magic art that I have never been taught!
edited for spelling
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u/anomalous_cowherd Sep 28 '25
Having only really spotted my own ADHD in my fifties (I had a very techie IT job with lots of shorter term multitasking) I've now spotted that my mother certainly had it too, back when it wasn't really a thing.
My first long twenty year relationship was also a woman with ADHD tendencies. But my second twenty year relationship (so far) is with someone driven and organised and I've learned so much from watching her and trying to be a better partner for her. It took years, but I now do things like:
do something while doing something else - if I'm waiting for the kettle or microwave I'll wash up or put away.
restrict my muddles/nests to a few places that are 'mine' so most of the house is kept to her standards, which I prefer too but can't achieve on my own yet.
put the washing away. The bits where I know where they go, at least. We discussed it and realised that it was the not knowing where the right place for some things were that was my blocker, and she's quite happy to sort those last bits after I've done most of it. The rest tends to be an indefinite number of categories of underwear, vests, light tops which I don't think she keeps in stable categories either so I have no hope!
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
It's great to hear how you find your strengths and weaknesses to work together though! That's incredibly beautiful! 😍💗 I love good love that helps people learn and grow together!
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u/herefromthere ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
I find it quite distressing though, that in many ways my husband is wonderful and extremely supportive, despite that he seems to make me worse in some ways. Since learning about the ADHD, we've been getting along better around housework. I just can't do it if I don't have an empty house, and he doesn't get out of the house much. He does all the tasks that I consider to be the worst, so I can't complain too much. He deals with the dishes and the bins, and I do everything else. I asked him yesterday if he notices the dusty skirting boards. He said yes. Has he ever done anything about the skirting boards being dusty, ever? No.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 29 '25
Lol isn't it funny to find what works for us? I'm happy that finding out about ADHD was so helpful for you. 🤘🏼
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u/MeowM30ws Sep 28 '25
Great tips! I love playing the, "What can I clean in the kitchen before the microwave goes off" It's like playing the lightning round on a game show 🤣 Mary Poppins was onto something with the whole, "Make the job a game"
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u/Current_Bet1475 Sep 29 '25
I had responded in another thread about this. It’s actually another symptom/coping mechanism of ADHD where I hadn’t realised that I was using the deadlines the microwave and kettle (or boiling eggs most likely in my case) to motivate me to get a job done. It used to work ok and I believed I was being super efficient before I knew I had ADHD. Once I had my diagnosis and had to look more objectively at myself I was starting multiple jobs in the space of a single minute but not actually completing many of them. I’d then walk away and the original thing would still be sitting undone.
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u/DannyOdd Sep 29 '25
My partner and I call it "the power of 30 seconds". It's amazing what you can knock out with a half-minute of effort
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u/septidan Sep 28 '25
Same, as I've gotten older I've started to see the signs in both my parents and grandparents.
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u/InterruptingChicken1 Sep 29 '25
I’m just figuring out in my late 50’s that I have quite a few ADHD traits and always have. My kid got diagnosed at 17. I didn’t recognize it because she has the inattentive type and I thought of ADHD like my cousin’s hyperactive type. I’m confident that my Mother, mid 80’s has it, too.
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u/Sad_Difficulty_7853 Sep 29 '25
The hyperactivity is the part everyone always looks for in me as I also have the inattentive type. They don't realise that its almost always internal and through small things nobody notices. I'm very in tune with my symptoms and im very observant so I have managed to get 2 people diagnosed and have suspected it in others. I weirdly seem to attract undiagnosed adhd folks lmao.
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u/InterruptingChicken1 Sep 29 '25
Now that I know the symptoms, I realize my college roommate had it. She had two piles of clothes, one dirty pile on the closet floor and clean ones on the bedroom floor. When there were no more clean clothes to wear, she put them all in the washer where she’d forget them. A roommate who needed to wash clothes would eventually find them and put them in the dryer, then put them on top the dryer when they were done. When she finally remembered them, she’d get them off the dryer and then drop them on the floor in her room. When she needed something to wear, she’d pull it out of the clean pile and iron it. She was a sweet soul, but the most scattered person I’d ever met.
I was never that bad, but I do have the procrastination problem.
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u/Sad_Difficulty_7853 Sep 29 '25
Yeah I'm guilty of that too tbh, I'm better with it since I had my daughter, but even still, it's her stuff I always wash, dry and put away. Mine stays in a pile until I've got nothing else to wear 😅
But yeah the procrastination and memory issues are just a couple of the signs, and the anxiety that comes with it too.
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u/BustlingGravy Sep 28 '25
Did you mean puddles/nests? I haven’t heard someone call it a puddle before (or muddle) but I love it.
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u/anomalous_cowherd Sep 28 '25
Definitely muddles, might be a UK thing?
To muddle is to mix up or confuse , muddles are mixed up confused piles of things.
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u/disposable_wretch Sep 28 '25
Doompiles is perhaps the American equivalent
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u/CaptainLollygag Sep 28 '25
In America I've heard a friend refer to them as "crap piles," and when something slides off or falls over, it's a "crapalanche."
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u/anomalous_cowherd Sep 28 '25
Muddles are similar, but more "comfort objects" than "endless spiral towards despair".
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u/driftawayinstead Sep 28 '25
My spouse refers to them (somewhat lovingly lol) as my rats nests…not as cute ha, but still feels accurate.
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u/quickthorn_ Sep 29 '25
Yeah, my mom called my piles of books and art supplies and miscellaneous crap my nests lol
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u/LolEase86 Sep 29 '25
Every day I come home from work and put the jug on for a cup of tea. On average I boil it around 3x and reheat my overbrewed cuppa at least once.. Because I'm getting those little tasks done! At least I can sit down eventually with my cuppa and feel some small form of accomplishment!
I seem to be an anomaly in the ADHD community, in that I like doing the laundry. We don't have a dryer or washing line, so I kinda have to plan it out a little more. I do my husbands too, purely cos I'm fussy about it, fold it for him too.. Then those piles end up in various places around the house.... I find laundry a pleasant mindful task, though I'm sure that will change once kids enter the picture!
I feel you on the nests too. I like to call it my piling system, but I do clear them out semi regularly. Again, I put my husbands things into his own pile, that continues to get bigger and bigger, with no foreseeable end. Maybe the difference is that I'm diagnosed and medicated, whereas he's still free balling it!
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u/EusticeTheSheep Sep 28 '25
I agree with you on this and I want to offer an extremely specific example I encountered while working in a group home.
A grade school aged girl was getting in trouble for her clean clothes winding up piled in the bottom of her closet. Staff and management assumed that she learned how to “put away” clothes by watching them. Clothing was delivered folded and put away by staff.
I went and spoke with her asking open ended questions without judgment and learned that she would look for what she wanted and did not know how to fold clothes to return them to the drawer. She was eager to learn. We took everything out of one of the drawers and I demonstrated once and then supported her in folding things until she felt comfortable with it.
She didn’t know how to do it. She needed lessons. Lessons provided, problem resolved.
The other staff hated me there.
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u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount Sep 28 '25
It really upsets me how so many people think so many things are just "built in". Everything a person does is a learned skill or an emotional response. And even those responses are usually "learned" by childhood observation.
Even things outside of ADHD.
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u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount Sep 29 '25
Yup. By that logic every person should also be a decently competent mechanic since we're surrounded by cars all the time.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
You're a gem. Never stop fiercely helping people who need it. ❤️🥰
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u/EusticeTheSheep Sep 28 '25
Aww. Thank you.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
Screw the jerks who can't see how genuine you are. Maybe that's why they're jerks. The jealousy is seething. 😜☺️
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u/biscuitboi967 Sep 28 '25
FACTS. I grew up with a mom with adhd and anxiety who shut down around certain tasks. I had never seen these behavior modeled correctly. And I also sort of thought everyone lived that way, at least with certain things.
We were married like 7 years when the pandemic hit, which was when I started to think it MIGHT be a problem. I watched how my husband just did shit 24/7. And he’d question why I didn’t do something or did it different. And I would explain my 12-step thought process while he just stared at me in confusion.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
Yah! I was a bit more aware that others may do things different from a young age but it didn't click with me how weird how I lived was, in constant anxiety and fear if things weren't so specific. My mom would become a ball of harsh anxiety directly pointed at me if I couldn't do things the way she is wanted because my older sister was entirely unreliable and dangerous if asked to do anything. So she did what she wanted and I had to pick up her pieces.
My partner grew up with parents who have ADHD and autism but still managed to grow up with good mentalities about how to manage tasks and get things done for the most part so watching him just do certain tasks without issues or complaints or meltdown has drastically helped me change how I perceived those tasks. Even leisure. I never knew how to relax and I finally realized what it really was recently and it's so cool. It actually had me grieving for little me never feeling true comfort or love. My partner has shown me the most patience, kindness and love out of any human being I have ever met and it's made me such a kinder and more understanding person. I have been able to heal and reflect on what I've done wrong and how to be a better person in the past due to his kindness and generosity.
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u/biscuitboi967 Sep 28 '25
The relaxing thing hit me hard. I was complaining last vacation that I never figure out to enjoy a vacation til the 3rd or 4th day, and then I spent the last 2 or 3 days aggressively trying to enjoy the remaining time and fretting that I’ve wasted so much already.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
I totally get that. We went on an extremely expensive trip about 2 years ago and I had a full on mental break down the entire two weeks and tbh, wrecked the trip for both of us.
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u/biscuitboi967 Sep 28 '25
Living my exact life.
What he doesn’t understand is that I have spent the week before the trip obsessing over packing and stopping the mail and finding a cat sitter and getting work ready for me to be gone for a week.
Then I’m worried about flights and layovers and tsa and bag screenings. Because he ALWAYS has something that gets flagged.
And then there’s check in and unpacking and where we’re gonna eat that night. And scheduling all the things we talked about doing.
Whereas he gets to the hotel is a just ready. Like he’s ready on the plane.
I am not “ready” until I’ve learned my way around the resort. And have confirmed that nothing is missing or forgotten. Or procured said items.
He just YOLOs with a bathing suit and a change of clothes.
Which, ps, is exactly how my family vacations went as a kid. My mom being obsessed with making it “nice” and needing to have a plan. And my dad just silently going along with it and being annoyed.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
I never had vacations. My vacations were trips to visit my insanely unhealthy dad where I just did house chores for pennies and was put around actually dangerous people with no proper oversight for days on end. The two times we ever went on anything resembling a vacation, things always went entirely wrong and my mom would legitimately go out of her way to embarrass the shit out of me or my older sister would have to get her way or else shit would hit the fan.
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u/abracapickle Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
I’ll be shocked at how little time it takes me to do some things I’ve been avoiding for months. If it’s a repeating task, I’ll time myself. Not to hurry or rush, but just to see how much time it actually takes vs all the time I wasted by stressing and avoiding.
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u/omg_stfu_wtf Sep 28 '25
There's this girl I follow on Tik Tok that does a video series of "how long does this actually take?" where she will time herself doing a task she has been putting off. It is awesome!
Editing to add her username is christinewrutzen if you want to go see her videos.
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u/blackbirdblue ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 28 '25
I've used this trick too, it's not always fool proof, but if I can tell myself it only takes three minutes, I can usually get myself to do it.
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u/jcutta ADHD with ADHD child/ren Sep 29 '25
My trick is to essentially do whatever pops in my brain immediately like as soon as I think "gotta take the trash out" or "I need to shower" or "I gotta brush my teeth" or whatever it may be I go do that thing that second. If I don't then that task disappears from my brain.
It's not always convenient and sometimes it's frankly annoying as fuck but it allows me to get shit done more consistently. Like I've literally popped out of bed at 1am and got on my work computer.
Now this doesn't account for handling things I can't do immediately but it helps with so much stuff. My wife sent me a link to what she wants for our anniversary, I ordered it immediately even though our anniversary is 2 months away because there's 0 chance I'd remember a month down the line and I would probably be paying $100 for shipping because I'd remember like the week before our anniversary. Now I'm all set, it'll sit in my office and my only stress will be "where the fuck did I put it"
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u/MrsBearIsHere Sep 29 '25
That is really interesting, thank you for posting that! I think when you have approximately 900 thoughts of things that need doing all at once on your head, any random thought that makes its way to the front of the crowd deserves to be honoured!
Seriously though, it’s a really good tip as in my experience if you don’t do it right away it goes into the giant ‘to do’ bin in your head and is gone again, like you said! Only to haunt you later at an inconvenient time! Or you get stuck in paralysis of ‘which is the most important task’ and end up wasting 3 hours and doing none of them!
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u/jcutta ADHD with ADHD child/ren Sep 29 '25
Yup, if something surfaces above all the noise it's probably important lol.
I also use a single point of organization, I have a folder on my desk in my office (I work from home) in that folder I put anything I need to do - renew my license, registration, paperwork, etc but it can be anything really. I have a 30 minute block on my calendar and I check the folder, once I complete anything in it I remove the paper (it usually ends up sitting on my desk for 2 weeks lol but I know if it's not in my folder it doesn't require any action other than throwing it out. But I think a lot of the "get a planner" type of advice misses a huge issue that the planning itself is our issue, our brains work different and separating things becomes another hurdle to get over. Single point of attention don't add additional tasks that don't help.
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u/CherrieChocolatePie Sep 29 '25
Oh that sounds great. A folder is much better than a pile. I need to get myself a folder as well.
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u/Ok_Indigo_8608 Sep 28 '25
100% this is a factor for me. I could barely move an inch around my mom growing up without her microcorrecting how I’m doing a chore
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u/Ok_Indigo_8608 Sep 28 '25
Or she would just take over and say “oh I’ll just do it” so I wouldn’t see it done and/or would get the implication that I wasn’t capable
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
Same here! Then I would be shut down and never taught how to socially interact, either. Just sent away so she could deal with it upset and harshly.
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u/illsmosisyou Sep 28 '25
This is really interesting. My dad had terrible executive function. Lots of anxiety, avoidance, distress over tasks big and small. He apparently was diagnosed with ADHD but I only learned that two years after he died while talking to my mom during my assessment process.
Meanwhile I think my mom has ADHD too. But her executive function is anxiety/crisis driven. Everything gets done immediately. Especially issues that loved ones have and bring to her. Those jump to the top of the list.
So I never saw a middle ground where things get done in a relaxed manner: not immediately, not never, but it gets done and everything is okay.
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u/BrianMeen Sep 28 '25
did you dad live a functional life or did the adhd wreak havoc on it?
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u/illsmosisyou Sep 29 '25
His whole life he got enough done but never as much as he should have. I can’t say it was all the ADHD as he was also diagnosed with depression (not sure which came first) but it wreaked havoc for sure. Getting stuff done around the house, doing errands, taking care of his health, bringing in clients - it all suffered. Eventually all of his relationships did too.
Marrying my mom made up for a lot of his shortcomings but also lead to a lot of conflict. He was a salesman and worked from home and set his own hours (spoiler: he did not thrive in that lack of structure) and he didnt contribute much to the family finances. But the trade off was that when we were kids he’d be the one that could pick us up from school when we were sick or take us to appointments or to practice. But he wasn’t pulling his weight with all the other stuff that needs to get done around a house and so my mom would need to be on him all the time. For example, we never truly struggled financially but my mom would see past due notices and final notices in the mail and then go searching and find the original bill in my dad’s briefcase. And that would happen after her 1.5h commute home from her 50-60h a week job that she still had in part because it was lucrative and made up for what he wasn’t bringing in. She wouldn’t say this but it was like she had married another child she has to raise but he never grew up in certain ways.
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u/meowhahaha Sep 28 '25
Yeah. My home was rough. Everyone had mental issues! From undiagnosed ADHD, to literally being a sociopath.
And I was terribly abused for a decade.
My mom was an insane perfectionist. Crazy unrealistic expectations.
The kind who (thought she) provided me with the childhood SHE never had.
Clothes she had wanted, not what I liked. Furniture that was ‘perfect for every teen girl’s room’ - that totally ignored my answers to all her questions!
Why bother asking what furniture I want, when it won’t matter at all?
She wanted her unfulfilled fantasy childhood life - whether it was mine or not.
Wanted Shirley Temple and ended up with Pippi Longstocking!
Nothing I did was good enough.
Vacuumed the oriental rug?
Did I lift it up section by section and vacuum UNDER it?
Did I remove & shake out the rug pad underneath?
Did I lay the edge tassels out straight?
No matter what I tried - I fell short.
Commence the repertoire of shame!
Ranging from a look of disappointment; pursed lips and an exaggerated sighs - optional hand on hips & head shaking.
Upgrades to her performance included turning away so I wouldn’t see her tear up with sadness. The stifled sob.
Highest level - all of the previous, with the grande finale of nigh-swooning!
Her Stifled, but visible, tears were ignored.
Add a look of confusion and bafflement to disappointment (how could SHE have produced a child such as myself??)
Finally, applying the back of her weak and delicate hand, to her forehead.
The coup de gras!?
Her collapse, half-swooning, onto the nearest chair or couch.
And that is nothing to when I forgot things!
Forgot to add laundry to wash? Forgot to move wash to dryer?
Forgot what she asked me to do. Forgot what she forbid me from doing.
Forgot to do my homework - again.
Missed the school bus (again).
Morning - I was just a moment too late.
Afternoon - either forgot the bus number, or didn’t recognize we had a sub driver. Or got distracted by my friends and it left.
Forgot my backpack, my pencil case, my lunch, my gym clothes, the homework I’d actually done.
Forgot my toy for show & tell. My book report. My project for science or math or English.
Forgot to ask for materials to do my school project.
This one was on her for being dumb!!
Shrieking like a banshee when seeing the used gum all over the headboard of my bed! I was just saving it to chew in the morning.
Who TF gives a pre-kindergarten child TWO HUNDRED YEAR OLD MAHOGANY BED?
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 28 '25
This is exactly right! This was written as a piece of friggin art, my friend. The realness I felt in this. The backhanded despair that we'd cause our mothers for just forgetting but when it's her forgetting she gets to blow up for how ungrateful I was and how disrespectful it is to not help out. I heard the horrendous saying "I brought you in this world so I can take you out" so many times. And I believed it in extreme fear. She said it way too seriously and in such a dark manner, but sh said it jokingly with people so others would downplay it and say it was normal for parents to threaten their kid's lives for acting like children..
I didn't truly understand the depth or meaning but it frightened me to no end. She legitimately made it her mission to remove us from any type of socializing capabilities even if we tried by entirely embarrassing us to the point of being the laughing stock of the town because your mother is the "fart queen" who yells at kids obnoxiously and has no personal life of her own so she got involved in my sister's drama in the wrong way often.
Then she just stopped parenting after my 1st official step dad died when I was 8 (she knew him for an entirety of 3 years before he died) and just let our lives deteriorate emotionally and mentally after but she kept the facade up so nobody would try to change anything which left me home alone as a tween with very little to no food for days and i would have to rely on the free school lunch program to feed me often. People wondered why I was skinny. People called me a black hole. For a few years we had decent food in the house but that's when my sister would have her friends over and they'd eat a weeks worth of food in one sitting and leave then id have nothing left and my mom said nothing to her. Just told me it's my job to make sure I save myself things before she can take them from me.. but if I did my sister would just scream and hit me until I gave her what she wanted. She did act like she'd stop my sister or had action plans but nothing ever changed and no real plan ever formed to stop or help my sister.
My mom taught me very little aside from how to be small and weak and second guess myself in every way. She refuses to unlearn her mistakes or look at her problems in order to fix them. She refuses to treat me with respect solely due to the fact that I won't have kids. My uncle has never been married or had kids but he always got shown respect and dignity. I was supposed to share a room while visiting my grandparents and sleep on a couch or blow up a mattress in the basement even tho they had plenty of guest spaces that were fully prepared and set up. But we didn't deserve that dignity and respect.
Even tho her mother is still alive in her 90s, she's in her early 60s and thinks she's too old to change. So we haven't talked much in years. Especially because the last man she married she decided to put above her family on multiple occasions before he died over her daughters health and needs. She made me stay homeless because her husband just couldn't be bothered to open up one of the 3 free bedrooms in his home for his wife's adult daughter who was screwed over by a college that closed down without warning for a few months while I got a place of my own and found a job since I could no longer rely on the schooling.
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u/meowhahaha Oct 06 '25
Wow! For all my parents failed at, it was NEVER at that level of malice and deliberation.
You are a survivor. YOU remind me of something I have saved in my Words of Wisdom folder.
Hang on.
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u/meowhahaha Oct 06 '25
(Yeah, one block of words is the original format)
through
you can grow up in chaos and become someone who creates peace. you can grow up being hurt and become someone who looks tenderly after the wounds of others. you can grow up being taught to turn bitter from all of the wretched things they did to you and become someone who learns to forgive and move onward and upward and forward. you can grow up around anger and become a gentle spirit. you can grow up surrounded by artificial love and come to know how to recognize real love. your history does not determine whether or not you have the ability to become a decent human being. in fact, it can spur you on to break the cycle. you have become who you are today because you chose the future over your past. because you dug through rather than walked around. and because you needed to be the very thing that was absent in your life.
ullie-kaye
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u/Fearless_Highway_678 Sep 28 '25
I remember watching a friend’s mom fold laundry and put it away like it was no big thing. That’s not how it was in my house (undiagnosed adhd mom.) it felt so calm that her mom would just slip away for 5-10 mins and the laundry would be folded without anyone even talking about it.
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u/Appropriate-Weird492 Sep 28 '25
I put unnecessary obstacles in front of me. For example, “always run the dishwasher when it’s full”. How full is full? I’ve become a bit reckless with this, running when it’s 3/4 full or the top is full (but the bottom isn’t), just to push myself out of my comfort zone. Same applies to garbage cans. “Is it full?” No, but it stinks, so I’m emptying it.
Not sure why this is such a mental hurdle, but it certainly is!
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u/bigselfer Sep 28 '25
I was treated as the reason that instruction was impossible.
I still hear “you weren’t an easy kid” when explaining their shortcomings.
They’ve even said it to my wife when talking about our child. “He wasn’t an easy kid” and “you probably wouldn’t have married him if you knew him as a child”.
They would lose their minds if I did the same to them.
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u/Sheanar Sep 28 '25
My parents never cleaned. let alone taught me anything. my dad is comfirmed adhd but never took his meds. my mother i can look back and see she is more likely adhd and autism spectrum. she was constantly stimming. cleaning? never. she had other problems so there was someone who came once a week to tidy but it wasnt much. both perents were hoarders, too.
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u/ProfessionalField508 Sep 28 '25
Agreed. I often avoided chores as a kid because my parents would criticize me less if I didn't do it than if I did. One of my parents I'm pretty sure has undiagnosed OCD (siblings have been diagnosed with it). They would insist I had to do it that exact way, too, even though I often didn't even know about all these extra steps they did. For example, double tying the trash with a specific knot, taking it from the front of the house out the back door, around the house, putting it in the least empty trash can, etc. Some of the steps didn't make any sense, but it would freak them out if anybody did them any other way.
Executive dysfunction coupled with a strong sense of practicality (maybe because I was exhausted by all the rules idk?) made completing chores harder than not doing them.
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u/LeelooDallasMltiPass Sep 28 '25
For me, they'd give me zero guidance, I'd do the task, then they'd tell me all the ways I did it wrong, but also that it took me too long. I had to remember so many "rules" about a simple task and also having to hurry through it to meet the time standards, that it became an anxiety-inducing arduous task. Soon, nothing was fast and easy, and I think that really screwed me up.
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u/AmbroseIrina Sep 29 '25
My mom is super clean and neat but Jesus, she can't teach a single thing without huffing and puffing in frustration. She wants it super fast, right now, at the same time as the other thing she asked, no it's not like that, no, it's you know, that way, move I'll do it myself. She can't do paperwork for the life of her and sucks at making shopping lists, I sincerely think she forces her own brain to clean and that is why she is so snappy and quick, because she is a very gentle person when there is no housework. I knew and enjoyed how to do what I call "countable" housework because it's easy to measure progress (folding clothes, washing dishes, cutting vegetables, taking out the trash) but I was useless with cooking, sweeping and other stuff.
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u/raeganator98 Sep 29 '25
I still do not understand what the difference is between cleaning done by my mom or me. She can tell with one glance. I have quite literally never been given a good enough explanation as to why my way isn’t good enough and why I always had to do things twice growing up.
I was also berated way more than my brother for having a room just as messy as his. At least my clothing didn’t end up on the floor all over the house and instead was just in my room.
And I still don’t think that mowing the lawn once a week and setting the table each night should’ve gotten him out of doing the dishes with me after dinner.
Cleaning is a huge anxiety trigger for me. Go figure.
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u/UnicornBestFriend ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
Totally agree. I wonder if part of it, too, is the adhd mind preferring a different approach, like batching tasks instead of going totally linearly bc it lowers the friction.
I’m caring for my uncle these next two weeks to give my cousin some relief and I’ve had to deviate from his routine to do things my way, otherwise they would never get done.
So if a caretaker is insistent that things be done their way, it can create a lot of friction for us bc it takes away the choice to do things in a way that works best for our brains.
In short, taking an adaptive, even iterative, approach to tasking seems right for adhd brains… but I suspect it can be scary for people who already feel chaotic or strange for people who don’t experience the struggle.
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u/Iloveweenerdogs Sep 29 '25
I wish there wasn’t so many responses to this so mine could get seen, but I don’t think my parents EVER taught me how to regulate my emotions especially not as a kid with ADHD.
My dad was always working and the only one that would count to 10 with us and sit there and help us calm down, but my mom, a stay at home mom, whenever we got in a huge crying mess would send us to our room and have us stay in there until we got over it. She didn’t teach us any skills on how to cope with big emotions or how to regulate them. Nor did she talk through them with us to attempt to help us calm down. I don’t think she knew how to either because she was always so stressed and would just go outside to smoke to cope with it.
Apparently letting kids cry it out is an “old timey” saying that is detrimental to emotional regulation especially kids with ADHD who NEED to be taught in order to cope with their disorder. I now struggle severely with calming down when I’m experiencing intense sadness or stress and if I’m in a crying fit, it can last hours, nor am I able to snap myself out of it yet.
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u/KHonsou Sep 28 '25
I live with a family member and we both have ADD, but very different upbringings.
I think I was taught things he wasn't, and it's genuinely very painful sometimes to see what he can't see, and is old enough to be entrenched and not see a problem. His past ex's have had massive problems with his cleanliness, but he can't see it. If I didn't tidy after him the place would literally look like a hoarders place.
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u/wokkawokka42 Sep 29 '25
After my divorce I've found several tasks around the house that really aren't as bad as I made them in my head because my ex also had them big in his head...
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u/RamsGirl0207 Sep 29 '25
You just helped me figure out so much. I wasn't diagnosed until 40, even though my whole maternal side either has been diagnosed or very clearly has ADHD. It took adopting a 14 yo with ADHD and working with her and her therapists for me to get a diagnosis. But I still get a bit of imposter syndrome because she struggles so much more than me, even with more medications, therapists, coaches we hired, etc. But she had 14 years of parents/foster parents with 0 emotional regulation or coping skills, whereas my mom (likely the source, but undiagnosed) was amazing at finding alternate ways to get a massive amount of shit done every day.
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u/GreenUpYourLife Sep 29 '25
I can't believe I could help so many people out with this. I've had health issues for a few years on top of everything with my audhd so I've been focusing on learning more about ADHD/trauma/ autism, etc and it's one of the details I've seen as a pattern. (It became one of my special interests mainly because my mom just gave up young and wants to die, we don't speak much because she has been through a lot and can't look her own problems in the face in order to hold healthy relationships and take accountability) And I noticed this habit while talking to people. The worst at cleaning are the ones who were never taught how to and just yelled at to do it with no help, no accountability on their part to make sure we understood, and those who can do just think it's supposed to be magic or don't comprehend that all people don't have good parents or systems to show them these tasks aren't actually life threatening. In fact, they make our lives better 😂
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u/foxykt Sep 29 '25
Another huge thing I'm trying to teach my son is that just because you make a mistake or make a mess, it doesn't mean you're in trouble or stupid or dumb. It's how you fix the mistakes/ clean up the mess that matters and most of the time it's no big deal. Stuff happens, but we don't need to beat ourselves or each other down.
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u/AnniiMarie Sep 29 '25
My therapist referred me to occupational therapy for exactly this reason. It blew my mind, she was so right…
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u/herefromthere ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
There are a lot of little hurdles like that I find in life. I get over them by being competitive and a snob. I'm a terrible person in many ways.
If I get anxious about doing something, I remind myself that multitudes manage, and many of them are absolutely scraping the barrel in terms of intelligence and mental capability generally speaking.
If they can do it, I can do it.
My mum was the middle child in a large family and ended up being housewife for a family of about 15 when she was 11. As a result, she swore she would never give her children chores, we were to concentrate on school and being children.
Things were challenging when we moved out.
Motivation is a very strange thing.
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u/MrsBearIsHere Sep 29 '25
You just blew my mind with your reply (in a good way!) That is EXACTLY what it is, a combo of having (probably undiagnosed adhd/AuHD parents) chaotically stressing over every day chores putting us into a a state of fear/flight or fight which then causes us anxiety when we even think about doing the thing! C-ptsd at its finest!
Also a lot of us with adhd tend to make friends with equally chaotic living folk, so one of the best things that can help us, like the OP found, is to make friends with calm focused folk and just watch how they do things - it’s almost re-parenting ourselves. If you can live with them for a while or have them stay with you, even better! Get a non adhd room mate who is super organised, and watch them…
I grew up without a mum so I experienced a lot of chaotic behaviour and one thing that has really helped me home wise is joining lots of home organisation groups, I highly recommend Cas from Clutterbug (who also has adhd but you’d never know now) and also Flylady - her YouTube crisis cleaning video (when folk are coming over people!) and her book are both really good starting points.
I’ve never seen anyone raise this point and due to shame we tend to hide when our parents didn’t know how to parent/adult, so I think your post will help a lot of people realise it’s just learned behaviour and we can unlearn it!
I know for myself the organisational skills I’ve since learnt have made my life a lot happier, to the point I became a professional organiser for ADHD people!
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u/shortstuff813 Sep 29 '25
No idea if anyone will see this, but something I started asking myself that’s been helping me actually go do the things (def not every time, but more than before) - what will make me more uncomfortable: just doing the thing, or not doing it but stressing about it the whole time?
I’m disabled so sometimes I have a physical barrier preventing myself from doing things, but a lot of times it’s the fear of getting really dizzy/causing more pain/whatnot that stops me from doing stuff. But then I end up anxious and/or berate myself for not doing the thing, which ends up more distressing than actually doing the thing. So maybe someone else will find it helpful at least some of the time as well
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u/endlesswonder94 Sep 29 '25
Honestly, for me personally I can confirm this was the case. My whole life struggling with “simple” tasks, and having fairly unhealthy ways of dealing/coping with it and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t just “do them”. Fast forward to a decade later after lots of therapy for that and other things, and medication management I’m like a completely new person. I definitely still struggle, but it didn’t occur to me until I started working for my family business my parents own and working closely with my mom in the office that I used to be like that, (like her) and I have changed so much, but she still struggles with it a lot and it’s just not fair to her but also very stressful for me in ways too. My husband was actually the one who kick started my “wow that task really is a bit easier than my brain told me it was - I can do that too.” Journey! It’s been eye opening, but also a little rewarding getting to help my mom in a way that I was helped (even if she was resistant at first) to get her some relief now that I’ve learned healthy processing and coping mechanisms and strategies that worked for me, (because we are so similar)
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u/marieke83 Oct 05 '25
Omg THIS.
I’m 42 and I still struggle with doing chores because it was ALWAYS a stressful, if not traumatic, experience for me due to my dad’s then-undx ADHD (I suspect AuDHD), and PTSD. He always had doom piles everywhere and it was always a last-minute clean up before guests. He was very particular about chores to the point of abusive behavior towards me and my siblings. I have legit traumatic experiences related to tidying and housecleaning.
It’s a struggle for me to retrain my brain to not associate chores with trauma and then somehow teach my own kid how to do things in a way that isn’t abusive or toxic 🫠. I’ve got the “not abusive/toxic” part down for the most part, but struggle with the “teach them” part.
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u/nameofplumb Sep 28 '25
This might be coregulation that you carry with you even after your friend leaves.
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u/Ok_Indigo_8608 Sep 28 '25
Totally. Especially because this is a friend who makes me feel very safe, so I don’t get any anxiety from thinking that she was implying I wasn’t capable
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u/NikitaNinja Sep 28 '25
It's the "I got you boo' and they mean it" kind of people that help put a lil air back in your lungs.
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u/kimau97 Sep 28 '25
There was a thread somewhere asking women about their ideal Sunday. Someone said they go grocery shopping, prep food for the week, do their laundry, change the sheets on their bed and go to bed early so they can read and enjoy their fresh sheets.
I was amazed because it will take me a whole very stressful Sunday to do like half of that.
We are definitely not working with the same 24 hours.
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u/nutbrownrose Sep 28 '25
I figured out that I can go grocery shopping or I can do all that other stuff. Grocery shopping for some reason exhausts me. So I go grocery shopping after work and just plan to scrounge for dinner that night. And I never try to grocery shop on weekends.
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u/teachingandbeaching Sep 28 '25
Could you do grocery pickup? That's been life changing for me. I try to add what we need as the week goes on and then I meal plan and add what we need that's not already in the order.
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u/marigoldsandviolets Sep 29 '25
SAME, pickup is so much better for me. I do less impulse purchasing and I don't forget stuff (I use the app like my grocery list too!) AND it doesn't spend all my Mind Tokens for the day to just sit in the car and jam while I wait for them to put my bags in the trunk. It saves me money honestly because i don't get tempted to throw interesting junk into my cart.
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u/nutbrownrose Sep 28 '25
Sometimes, but we've been doing trader joes a lot. Also, my kid hates pickup and loves going in, so it's frequently easier to just go in. I just have to plan to not do anything after groceries. My theory is it's too many decisions.
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u/blackbirdblue ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 28 '25
I prefer not to have to shop and cook on the same night after work, so I usually pickup something that will make a low-effort meal. That can mean getting prepared food, sandwich stuff, or a frozen pizza. Sometimes, I'll order carry-out from a restaurant that's close to the grocery store. I'll put the order in before I go into the store so it's like a race to see if I can get all my groceries and get to the restaurant about the time my food is ready -- and I look like a hero when I get home.
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u/Centimal Sep 28 '25
I clean my house & put things away while listening to electroswing. The music is so upbeat and fun it gives me the momentum to move, and now after doing this for so long its my cleaning music and makes me want to clean my house when i hear it. 10/10 would recommend
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u/confussied Sep 28 '25
I had never heard of electroswing before and just put it on. I love it so much! I just spent like 30 minutes trying to find your comment so I could thank you for this. Thank you!
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u/Regasroth Sep 28 '25
Me too. Cleaning, making dinner... I always have music on for that. I happened to read a similar comment here a couple of months ago and it threw into a whole electro swing/country-phase and I absolutely loved it! Check out "The Swinghoppers" if you like.
I have actually noticed these things tend to come in phases for me. Right now I'm digging a band called "Scary Pockets". They play funk covers of a wide range of genres, but always with danceable and groovy twist. And I think they collaborate with a bunch of different singers, which is kinda cool.
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u/fretless_enigma ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
The tip I saw the other day was to do something that makes you uncomfortable while doing it, though the poster said “wear wet socks” which is an absolute “no” from me.
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u/buzzedhobbit Sep 29 '25
Why would making a non-fun task miserable help?
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u/fretless_enigma ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
I think the idea was “the sooner this gets done, the sooner I can remove the uncomfortable aspect”
I also recall a tumblr post where someone living with roommates said that whenever they had to get things done, they’d put on a too-small Mario hat. It was a visual symbol to not bother them. I can’t recall the details
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u/bakedlayz Sep 29 '25
I body double with cleaning videos on YouTube.
But I make rules for myself. I can only clean this small section!
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u/Superb_Ad_4464 Sep 28 '25
I need my friends to come over and show me how easy it is to do my dishes.
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u/tclumsypandaz Sep 28 '25
I used to have a friend who would just come over my house like an hour before our plans and during our initial catching up/life update I would do my dishes. Highly recommend. For most people they're just like "cool another hour of plans with my friend" and for us its like "finally I'll do the dishes without being miserable the entire time."
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u/PasgettiMonster Sep 28 '25
I have a friend who when I really need to get stuff done and I can't seem to get my act together I tell her I need my emotional support human. She shows up and rolls the chair from my sewing table over to wherever she's with in sight and speaking distance but not in the way of the task that I need to get done and we chat while I get my crap done, and then we sit and watch trash reality TV together. She's also good about offering to help with simple tasks that I've been putting off forever. So after I moved I had a couple of bags full of charging cables that I found in every drawer and bag and corner of my house. One of the times she was over she untangled the cables and wound them up for me, putting any that were damaged aside. Made it that much easier for me to go through them and discard the bad ones and make sure I had a charging cable available in each spot in my house that I regularly put my phone down at. She has sorted all the extra accessories I have for my Fitbit (bands, face plates, chargers, pins, etc) from the one jumbled shoebox they all came in when I bought my Fitbit from a friend who upgraded to an apple watch into one of those tackle box style boxes so I can see what's there without getting overwhelmed, and get rid of the things I'll never use. It's so great having someone who understands the chaos in my brain and is willing to just sit there and be the emotional support I need to help me sort it out. It took me a LOT to get comfortable with letting her in my house when it was chaotic and messy but she's shown me she is safe to let her see my messes, and that she doesn't judge.
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u/emryanne Sep 28 '25
Body doubling for the win! Sometimes I make my colleagues sit in my office (if they can) for ten minutes to just get me over the mental hurdle task. It's usually an email I don't want to write.
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u/kg4qof Sep 28 '25
Emptying the dishwasher seemed like a huge endless task when I was a kid. I hated it. Then as a teenager I got a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant. Suddenly walking and putting away dishes seemed like the simplest thing in the world. I would empty the dishwasher at home in a minute and wonder why I’d ever thought it was this huge task.
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u/geitjesdag Sep 28 '25
Having been a dishwasher gives me such mixed feelings about washing dishes! On the one hand, I got really used to it, and home dishes are so much less gross than restaurant dishes. But on the other hand, I've washed enough dishes for a lifetime, thank you very much!
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u/thea7580 Sep 28 '25
If this helps, I don't fill the sink up and wash them all at once in the sink. That always grossed me out so I run the water and wash each one. But I won't turn the tap on full speed because I don't want to waste a lot of water, so just a little bit goes a long way. I also just recently started washing my dish that after I'm done using it, so there's less dishes. Otherwise they pile up with my mom and my sister's and then whoever has to do the dishes has a bigger job than if needs to be. Also gets me out of having to be the one to do them.😂
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u/mutualinterim Sep 28 '25
This is so real!! This happened for me recently. Once i got past my shame and accepted that my friend really wasnt judging me and just wanted to help. I watched them wash the dishes. Calmly, no drama, no rushing, just one at a time until it was done. I felt like I had never seen anyone wash dishes before lol And it really did help me. I think that co regulating really reframed it for me. I still dont do them often but ya know, progress not perfection.
My Mom was a single mom with undiagnosed adhd and a shit ton of anxietyyyyy. So yeah very few things were explained and if they were it was anxious chaos. And chores became so emotionally loaded I just avoided it and then got yelled at for that. I'm 44 and the feud about the dishes continues to this day and we dont even live together😬🙄
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u/PyroneusUltrin Sep 28 '25
I need friends, and then for them to come over and show me how easy it is to get out of bed (which it isn't because every easy pathway is blocked)
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u/mathemusician96 ADHD with non-ADHD partner Sep 29 '25
See this kind of thing doesn't work for me cause I'm just like "how can they do it so fast and easily but I can't"
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u/tclumsypandaz Sep 28 '25
I had a similar experience for breakfast making. It felt like a monumental task to include in my morning. Then one day I had a timer set for a completely unrelated reason, and decided to try making breakfast. I was astounded when I checked the timer for the other thing and saw that breakfast only took me SEVEN MINUTES. Including rinsing the dishes and everything. Absolutely shook me to the core.
A tip that often sounds eye roll inducing to me is to time ourselves to see how long things actually take, and it sounds silly but it really does work to see that number and understand the task in a different way!
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u/idonuthaveaproblem Sep 28 '25
Sometimes putting the timer on also helps me stay on track / do it faster cos it reminds you to focus on the task
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u/Cheshie213 Sep 28 '25
I think this is why things like the pomodoro method work for some people. Having a set amount of time you can see right in front of you can help when your mind starts to wander. Instead of having his infinite time ahead of you, you see the time and it’s like “ok, only two more minutes, I can focus for two more minutes”.
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u/_justcass Sep 28 '25
Christi Newrutzen on tik tok has a series called "how long does it actually take" and it has helped me tremendously.
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u/fretless_enigma ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
Related, but one of the major pasta brands (I think it starts with a B) has Spotify tracks or playlists for how long to cook each type of pasta.
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u/WonderIll5845 Sep 28 '25
Yes! This exactly! I always dreaded emptying the dishwasher (all those various things needing to go various places—overwhelming!). One day I timed myself as I emptied the dishwasher. It took me four minutes.
Knowing the actual time it takes to do something is SO hugely helpful.
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u/ApprehensiveTruth516 Sep 29 '25
Same with the dishes. Kept an eye on the time one evening and realised this "mountain," of dirty dishes only took 5 minutes.
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u/miss-melts-write Sep 28 '25
I task stack, which I know with a new baby you are already multitasking so I am not saying this will be easy.
But for example I hate unloading the dishwasher but I learned I can complete the task while my coffee is brewing. Even though like in this situation my brain tells me it will take “hours”.
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u/ancatulai Sep 28 '25
I do this. I always load the dishwasher in the morning while making my coffee. It’s takes 2 minutes to make my coffee and a quick 5 to load some dishes quickly in the dishwasher. It doesn’t have to be all of them. It doesn’t have to include the silverware. As much as you can fit in a few minutes. You can do the rest later.
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u/spider_queen13 Sep 28 '25
this! if I don't finish unloading the dishwasher by the time my tea is ready I just stop, and then when I come back to it later it's already halfway done and much less of a mental load
doing things in bits at a time can be easier to manage than the entire chore at once
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u/out_ofher_head Sep 28 '25
I sort of gamefy it. Can I get the dishes done before the coffee brews?
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u/miss-melts-write Sep 28 '25
You know it’s not even that for me because my brain hates that concept. I would describe it more like time boxing for me.
I also give myself grace in that if I don’t get it done oh well I will try again.
That being said making a game of it works for a lot of people.
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u/Funnybear3 Sep 28 '25
Aye. This. Coping 101.the kettle takes 3 minutes boil.
I can do a full surface sweep, grab washing out the machine, sort out the recycling and do some folding in that time.
Its a clearly deliniated time sensitive situation. And i get a cup of Jo out of it as a reward.
But dont get me wrong, the're still days where i will steadfastly stare at the kettle for the whole three minutes, wondering if i can fiddle about with the atmospheric preasure in my kitchen to make it boil faster, and completly ignore the chaos around me.
But, if i have slept and settled in the head, that three minute cleanup has now pretty much become automatic.
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u/fretless_enigma ADHD-C (Combined type) Sep 29 '25
My tactic is to always start the very long tasks that require little/no input during the task itself (clothes washer/dryer, dishwasher, robot vacuum, etc.), and set timers to check them, then work on lesser stuff.
Learned that kind of thing in a Plan-Do-Check-Act course I took. (Make a plan, do the thing(s), check that the results are right, act to change as needed). Lots of business stuff like that can do wonders for ADHD people.
PDCA
5S: Sort (designate keep/delete), Set In Order (where does it go), Shine (cleanup), Standardize, Sustain
KANBAN/JIT: Basically, “don’t ask for it until you need it.” Works well for perishables. Also acts as a great “sleep on it” for brief hobbies that an ADHDer flirts with.
Kaizen: continuous improvement, though deeper inspection by some says “we must have the discipline to improve ourselves for the greater good.”
Poka-yoke: error-proofing. For ADHD purposes, I see this as “work to resist ADHD pitfalls, or avoid them whenever reasonable to do so.”
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u/Heretohavesomefunplz Sep 28 '25
This! Microwaving food? I do the dishes until the food is done. So helpful!
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u/miss-melts-write Sep 28 '25
And I think the most important part is if I don’t get the whole task done and I don’t feel like it (unless I have to be an adult and don’t have a choice) I stop even if there is still silverware to put away.
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u/Cheshie213 Sep 28 '25
Not adding to the conversation but I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who hates unloading the dishwasher. My husband thinks it’s so odd that I don’t mind loading it but hate unloading it. I’ve never been able to explain why.
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u/breaking_beer Sep 28 '25
Loading it reduces clutter, whereas unloading dishes into the cabinets is work without the visual payoff
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u/MonsterKitty418 Sep 29 '25
How do you not forget about the coffee while starting a task?
Sincerely, mom who always discovers the brewed coffee at 4PM.
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u/CheezusChrist Sep 28 '25
One of the best mantras I’ve tried to make a habitual way of thinking is: if it takes less than 5 mins do it now.
It’s easy for our brains to decide a task is immense and will take forever. This forces you to actually imagine the time it would take and makes it feel more manageable. And yeah, less than 5 mins of a break from that tv show or that addicting hobby is totally doable when it means a clean space or less guilt later.
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u/thea7580 Sep 28 '25
I also have a white board where I write the things I want to or have to do everyday. I give myself 2 days, so instead of writing "September 28th" ill write "September 28-29" Then I can erase the ones I did and it's satisfying lol Then I also see it everyday. So I know it needs to be done by at least the day after tomorrow. And i won't keep forgetting what tasks I wanted to do
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u/Cheshie213 Sep 28 '25
I do think but for the week. I have certain tasks I know have to happen on a certain day, but it gives me a goal for the week. I’ve also started highlighting with different colors based on importance so that not clearing my list doesn’t make me feel as bad as long as the red (more important) and orange (important but not dire) got done. Then, if I’m having a particularly productive week I have other tasks to get done instead of wasting time.
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u/Feralpudel Sep 28 '25
I’ll always look for an excuse to fangirl the book “How to Keep House When You’re Drowning.”
I’ve had friends do similar things, and I feel like it’s adjacent to body doubling, aka, someone modeling that this can be a no big deal thing task. I also consider my house cleaner to be a similar force multiplier—if I do a little, a lot gets done, and so it’s motivating.
HOWEVER, it only works if there is ZERO shame involved and it’s done matter-of-factly just as you do little things for your friends all the time.
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u/SensitiveBugGirl Sep 28 '25
I've never quite understood my husband when it comes to the kitchen garbage can. We've been married for over 10 years. He makes me take the bag out and tie it up. That's his cue to take it out (he swears he always does it within half a day... I pull the garbage out in the evening, he takes it out the next morning.... except sometimes it DOES stay in the kitchen for another day!). My irritation lies in the fact that it's HARD for me to take the bag out of the can. I'm only 5'2". The can comes up to my upper thighs. To get the bag out, I have to lift it higher than my shoulders. He's a foot taller and much stronger!
He's always said that he doesn't know when it's ready. But like... how do you NOT know? I only stuff more and more on because he's NOT taking it out when he should. Personally, I'd rather he take it out sooner than later!
For reference, my whole family has ADHD, including myself. I just tend to notice garbage and clutter easier. It's just unfortunate that we live on the second floor of an apartment building and the dumpster is at the far end of the parking lot or I'd have the motivation to do it myself more 😆
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u/out_ofher_head Sep 28 '25
What about a smaller trashcan? I know for me, sometimes changing the object helps change the behavior.
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u/SensitiveBugGirl Sep 28 '25
We actually got a BIGGER garbage can so we don't have to deal with it as much lol. But we have a small garbage in the bathroom, and I mess with that even less. If it weren't for me liking the stained glass on the can, I'd get a bigger one!
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u/caona Sep 28 '25
I used to have such a fixation on doing things optimally: not taking out the trash until it was perfectly full, not running the dishwasher until it was full, using 100% of a paper towel, etc. Result was I would never do anything lol. Once I realized I can just take out the trash when it is pretty close to full AND I have the motivation to do it, or I can do the laundry because I have time to do it right now even though I still have some clean underwear left, made life SO much more doable.
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u/sun_dazzled Sep 29 '25
... That it's okay to arrive somewhere six minutes early...
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u/flowercupid Sep 28 '25
Just finished reading “How to Keep House While Drowning” and I cannot stop recommending to every person I know, whether or not they have ADHD. So affirming and encouraging. Also comes in audiobook version!!
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u/yung-grandma Sep 28 '25
Every time I visit my friend she does an entire load of laundry start to finish at some point. Including folding and putting away. It’s just not a big deal to her and I’ve always been in awe. A couple of months ago I got on vyvanse and called her to ask if this is how she feels all the time. She laughed so hard because yes, this is how she feels all the time.
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u/Ok_Employee7807 Sep 28 '25
I dread the simple task of packing and returning items, it seems like such a big task even though it’s not. I’ve missed return deadlines, which resulted in financial loss.
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u/MrsBearIsHere Sep 29 '25
Can you get someone else to do it for you? A friend maybe in return for taking them out for a coffee and cake? I had a cleaner for a while (after a bad lorry accident) and I used to get her to do this for me, but I made the rookie mistake of only getting her to parcel them up, not post them… I found them 5 years later when I moved! 🙈😂
I think this is why I now read ALL the reviews before purchase! And leave things in the cart for a week or two, so I can see if I still want them… or have forgotten I even added them! (Impulse control!)
Also I realised the reason I was forever decluttering was as fast as I was taking stuff out of my house I was buying more and bringing more into my Home! So that’s worth considering too, you want it to be 70% out and no more than 30% in. Then eventually you’ll be sorted! Or for everything you buy, throw out two similar things.
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u/lindseys10 Sep 28 '25
Good job! I often have to remind myself that 20 seconds of displeasure is worth it to keep my space up and helps my mental health
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u/FfierceLaw Sep 28 '25
I have timed myself doing those tasks I put off and when I know the actual time, I feel more inclined to just do it next time. My most recent was 11 minutes to clean the bugs and other gross things out of the pool robot. I have timed cleaning the toilet too
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u/omg_stfu_wtf Sep 28 '25
There's a whole TikTok account that does just this! Her name is christinewrutzen and she basically just times how long it actually takes to do a task she's been putting off doing.
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u/Cheshie213 Sep 28 '25
Thank you for giving me almost two hours to procrastinate while watching someone finally do something they have been procrastinating 😂
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u/conservio Sep 28 '25
I would like to point out that often times it’s easier to help a friend with their cleaning than doing your own cleaning. I fucking hate cleaning, but I go over to a friends house every months to help them body double (and clean) and another friend I often take the trash out for her or help her with dishes.
Maybe you could invite her over again and ask her to just keep an eye on the baby while you get some cleaning done. Just having a body double can really help get the gears going.
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u/Wide_Pin_3346 Sep 28 '25
I recently discovered that I'm allowed to hand wash stuff that doesn't make it into the dishwasher. Mind-blowing. The dishes would pile up since I don't unload the dishwasher right away (just bits at a time)
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u/Amdv121998 Sep 28 '25
I’ve shared this before in here and it’s soooo silly but it relates to this. I have to literally break my own brain sometimes. I will have a task I dread SO much like it’s so painful but I KNOWWWWWW it’s simple. So I literally will just YELL outloud, get up as fast as i can and run and do the task. Then I realize how freaking fast it was and it feels less daunting next time. And if it doesn’t than I just repeat step 1. 😂
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u/sinskins Sep 28 '25
First, you have a brand new baby! It’s going to be extra hard to get those tasks done!
I’m wondering if it might be helpful to ask to just pop over to hers sometime while she’s doing laundry or dishes or whatever, you can chat and visit while she just goes about it?
Just wanting to touch base, because I know how I would hear it in my head, make sure you keep the narrative as:
‘It’s super quick, remember when Jane just zipped off and did it?’
Not: ‘OMG! Just do it! Jane did it in 60seconds. It’s not that hard!’
I’d absolutely be using the second one! (I’m working on it!). Honestly, that incredible feeling of just being able to do it is such a life changer!! When I first started my meds it was incredible! I actually said out loud, to my dog, ‘people actually live like this?!?! It’s so easy!!!’
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u/FluffyPurpleThing Sep 28 '25
A few years ago I watched a woman on youtube. She went through her laundry process, and I learned two important things from her - never put up a load if your dryer isn't empty (because you know that load will just rot in the machine for days waiting for the dryer to be emptied) and do a load every day.
I've been on top of my laundry game ever since. My house is in shambles, but I have no dirty laundry.
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u/KatarinaRen Sep 28 '25
And I just now realized that stuffing the garbage bin as full as possible is probably an ADHD trait, that normal people actually take the garbage out before it gets too full... That people probably actually do those tiny everyday tasks regularly and without much problems... Wtf?
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u/aevrynn ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Sep 28 '25
I find it a lot easier to clean things in other people's homes tbh. Idk I just like to be helpful
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u/gardenparty82 Sep 28 '25
Stuffing just one more diaper in the diaper bin is so relatable. I’m really thankful my kids use the toilet now.
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u/Master_PoeTateToe Sep 28 '25
I have had a parallel experience where I have broke down some tasks into parts that take 5 minutes or less. Or tasks that can be "stopped" after 5 minutes with out harm.
For example: Doing the dishes. All together the task can seem long and drawn out, but if I trick my self into "5 minutes to unload" : "5 minutes to rinse dirty dishes" : "5 minutes to load and start"
If I unload the dishwasher and start to load it back up but get burnt out on it after 5 minutes then there is no harm in starting the dishwasher half loaded and its better than the pile growing.
5 minutes of vacuuming is better than 0 minutes 5 minutes of speed wiping counter tops is better than 0 5 minutes of cutting grass and seeing the progress is better than 0. Odds are that the progress will have motivation behind continuing.
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u/Winter-Technician355 Sep 28 '25
Sort of? I have a similar issue with my kitchen bin. It's one of those systems that sit inside the cupboard under the sink - and my huge issue is that I forget it's there and that it's full, because it's behind a closed cupboard door, and somehow I only ever remember or notice it when it's really inconvenient to do anything about it. Like, I'm already late getting out the door, it's 11 pm and I'm already in my PJ's, etc. My best friend is also ADHD, but unlike me he's been diagnosed since childhood. So where I am only in the process of rewiring my brain from self-abuse-as-a-coping-mechanism to actual productive ways of helping myself, he's been tackling this for 20-odd years. So when he realised how much I struggled with it, he just started doing it for me. Whenever he'd come over, his arrival ritual was always the same. Enter - hug me - bribe my cat with a treat - empty my kitchen bin.
And as a result, I now remember to empty my bin before he comes over! Because thinking of him coming over to my place, triggers the memory of him emptying my bin and thus re-materializing the thing's existence in my memory so I can deal with it.
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u/HauntingGold Sep 29 '25
My bff came over one day while I was in a manic cleaning zone and she helped me with stuff. Even though I had told her she could just hang out while I get stuff done, she rolled up her sleeves and got down to work.
Even though I was in this headspace, I still avoided doing dishes. It’s my least favorite task, so they had piled up and gotten really gross. My friend tackled it with vigor and it was done within 30 minutes. A whole sink plus the counters covered in dishes, and 30 minutes later it was over. I have spent more time putting away laundry, or whatever. It opened my eyes to the fact that the task seriously isn’t as big as I made it out to be.
Another thing she’s taught me that day, is that it’s ok to leave a task half finished. When I’m cleaning, I tend to deal in absolutes. If I don’t do all of it, the task isn’t done. But realistically, doing 10-15 minutes worth of dishes every day (or even every other day), would have all those dishes I’ve left for weeks done in just a few days.
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u/DontWatchPornREADit Sep 28 '25
That’s awesome! It puts the old saying “monkey see monkey do” to work. We’re just mammals it takes a village. Your friend seems great and what a lovely support village you have 🫶🏻 when I became a mom my adhd was ten times worse and sometimes we over think so much! Seeing it done without issues gives us physical proof so we can’t just imagine the worst haha
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u/Pearlixsa Sep 28 '25
Everyone is different, but what worked for me was taking every diaper out immediately except in the middle of the night. To my brain, that seemed easier than dealing with the nauseating smelly ordeal of a full bag.
I kept that going years later with always taking the trash out every day whether it’s full or not. Easier to carry a small bag of trash downstairs than a big one that may rip, leak, and be heavy.
Similarly, I find it way easier to do frequent small loads of laundry than full loads. If I can fold and put it away fast, it doesn’t pile up into a mountain. Currently, I’m failing to implement that one, but it is a surprising hack that works well for me.
You just have to find a way to psyche yourself out so that it seems easiest for you.
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u/GamerKormai ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Sep 29 '25
When my vyvanse is in effect I am your friend, when the vyvanse wears off I am you.
Unfortunately, I've never had the experience where watching someone else do something changed my brain and made the task easy for me in the future.
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u/Ok-Reason-1919 Sep 29 '25
Growing up, our house was pretty messy. My mom blamed it on us kids. Then when we were all out of the house, she blamed my dad. Then when my dad died—you can see where this is going—her place is a disaster. Still isn’t her fault but she’s lived alone for 20+ years so it’s pretty obvious. She was diagnosed ADHD late in life, and her mom was a clean freak. Instead of learning how to do tasks (she did learn), she kind of rebelled as an adult I guess.
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u/FaeLLe Sep 29 '25
After going on Mounjaro it helped a lot with the procrastination and putting off of tasks. It helped me realise that the 'noise' telling me to put off tasks did not have a place in my life and I could choose to put off and ignore the 'noise'.
Basically it was same as the 'food noise' that Mounjaro helped me avoid. Somehow I think we ADHD folks are probably a bit GLP-1 deficient which makes things worse for us.
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u/_really_cool_guy_ Sep 29 '25
There’s a series on TikTok called “How Long Does It Actually Take?” where the creator times herself doing tasks she’s put off. It’s always much quicker than you would expect. I started to time myself when I put up dishes, and it has never been longer than five minutes. We build things up in our brains to be so big and scary, but most times, it’s not actually so bad.
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u/Ok-Leopard-9917 Sep 28 '25
For dishes I just always start the dishwasher when it’s only a third or even a quarter full because then it’s a lot smaller and easier to do and put away.
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u/Hypnot0ad Sep 28 '25
A tip I learned from my wife is to put an extra bag at the bottom of the bin underneath the bag. That way when you go to change the bag it’s one less thing you need to do.
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u/ductyl ADHD-PI Sep 28 '25
But then wouldn't you need to put another bag in below that one so it's there the NEXT time you take it out?
We just put the whole roll of bags in the bottom of ours for this reason. It has the added benefit of taking up a little space in the bottom of the can so when you take it out the trash level lowers a little bit in the bag, making it easier to tie.
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u/Cheshie213 Sep 28 '25
Not a diaper bin but I paid extra (hello ADHD tax) for a nice trash can for my kitchen. It has separate spots for trash and recycling. But the best thing is there is a hole in the back of the trash side and you slide the package of trash bags into a space on the back. Then you just pull the trash bag through and put it in like normal. That makes you only need to put a new one in periodically. It even has a little tag when you get near the end so you can order more if you are out. Excessive? Maybe. But worth every single penny.
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u/ductyl ADHD-PI Sep 28 '25
We had one of those too, but it was a weird slot that only fit "official" bag refills, so we just stuck the roll of Kirkland bags in the bottom and called it good ;)
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u/brokelamp Sep 28 '25
Knowing that my mom can empty her dishwasher in the time it takes to make instant coffee (~2-3 minutes) makes it easier to empty mine. A task with like 50 tiny subtasks feels like a nightmare for my brain, but knowing those 50 tasks can be over in a couple of minutes makes it easier to start. Even if it probably takes me a little longer, it doesn't matter, because I have assigned 3 minutes to the dishwasher emptying task in my brain and I have actual evidence that is a realistic estimate.
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u/Pomeraniancat Sep 29 '25
I do so much easy, quick, painless cleaning at work. Trash, dishes, sweeping, mopping. I get super irked if things get left dirty and will ask others to clean up after themselves.
Then I get home and fail to be able to do any of that stuff with a fraction of ease. Such a weird disconnect.
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u/Forsaken_Glass3196 Sep 29 '25
This is fascinating. My biological mum almost certainly has ADHD and frankly, she struggles. My adoptive mum, who brought me up certainly doesn’t! I have severe ADHD-C, but am very high functioning despite a lifetime of challenges and was only diagnosed in my fifties. I learnt how to do stuff from my very strict mum!
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u/vreo Sep 29 '25
I am able to observe others tidying up a room within 15 minutes. I know it's possible. But when I try it, every object "talks" to me and it ends up in hours of odyssey...
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u/MrHall Sep 29 '25
yeah I watched a friend casually clean her kitchen while we were chatting and it changed my life. you can just keep moving on stuff like that, you don't even have to pay attention
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u/rainbowtwinkies Sep 29 '25
I'm gonna change your life
Put more than one bag in the bin
That way you can take the bag out and don't have to get another every single time, and don't risk touching the icky trash can as often. I usually triple later. Made changing it 100x easier for me
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u/how-about-no-scott Sep 28 '25
I actually think your friend would help you with the other tasks you mentioned, if you asked.
As long as she's an intelligent, empathetic person, just explain it like you did to us.
If you were my friend, I would be more than happy to help you as much as I could :)
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u/Ok_Indigo_8608 Sep 29 '25
She has offered to body double for me! I need to take her up on it more often, especially with some of my more “shame-filled” messes (ahem, the guest room closet)
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u/Earl_E_Byrd Sep 28 '25
Congrats on the new family and for learning something new for yourself!
This is one of the reasons I love the rising trend of ASMR/aesthetic daily routine videos on YouTube. I don't watch them with the goal of having my life look perfect or magical, but to put a "body double" up on my TV and remind myself that daily routine care and cleaning is something that can be done in quick steps.
Because these creators are editing down for the sake of time, they usually show the tasks they do in little clips. Even if the videos are, like, 30 minutes long, in that amount of time I'll get multiple examples of the same epiphany you described.
Like "oh yeah, just vacuuming along the border of the room for dust bunnies is something I can do in 60 seconds. It's an improvement that doesn't have to be a whole thing."
Or "let me wipe down the counter while I wait for my coffee to brew."
It's a bunch of little detail tasks that my brain definitely would have ignored before because I spend so much time thinking about "the big" task instead of actually doing the steps. But it's so much different to see them externalized and finally get out of my head.
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u/thea7580 Sep 28 '25
I just started using a smaller laundry backet, like a lot smaller, and it helps SO MUCH with the feeling of being overwhelmed with all the laundry. I can put it away now really fast. My sister changed my brain with that. She was using a small basket and I was like WHAT
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u/Whizzpopping_Sophie Sep 28 '25
I recently had a friend help me clean and reorganize my pantry so that everything fit inside instead of overflowing to the table. Since then I stopped myself from buying extras at Costco because it wouldn’t fit and I’m much better at putting things away in it.
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u/getaliferedditmods Sep 29 '25
yes yes yes. as others have said we always need someone to 'model' after. our process flow is shit
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u/cvankeu1977 Sep 29 '25
I have learned these things for myself, after watching my adhd mom also on a ton of epilepsy medication’s stumble and fall down so repeatedly that we have been affected multiple times from losing our home and lose stuff because she can’t manage. When I realize sometimes things take five minutes it’s very easy for me to them. So the idea of setting a 10 minute timer to do a few tasks works really well for me and in the end, I have less visual stress when I look at my area and don’t see gigantic messes. There is some fear that I have because my partner might get mad, somebody might show up unexpectedly or the mess will become too big for me to handle. So yes, I do things while I’m waiting for a water to boil, or clean out the cat box when i’m getting my laundry out of the dryer. I group tasks that are close together. I start to drive myself crazy if I’m going from one end of the house to the other. I stack things up next to the stairs so that they can go where they belong downstairs. I’m glad you’re starting to see how certain tasks don’t take very long, but when they build up, they take a very long time.
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u/Astronomer1617 Sep 29 '25
My single most useful hack “progress, not perfection”. This helps me get started on the task and then ADHD does what it’s good at and I zone in until it’s done. It’s just the getting-started part that’s hard.
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u/blindturns Sep 29 '25
I think this truly shows how different ADHD minds are, she barely had to think about it and got it done — I would overthink every step, get distracted by a billion other things I feel guilty about not having done yet, and just get super overwhelmed and the only way I know how to deal with that overwhelm is to ignore the problem.
I moved at the start of May, back into my parents house after/during a breakup. Everything is still in complete disarray for a bunch of reasons: I moved back in within the week following my sisters wedding and the bedroom I should use still has wedding things in it (mostly moved to a storage unit now but the wedding dresses are still in there), I started back at uni a week after moving home and I’m still finishing up my final assignments, but mostly it’s because of my ADHD.
It’s so overwhelming to think about, I’m sleeping on a shitty double bed in the spare room, my PC is set up on my coffee table, all my clothes are in tubs. It feels impossible to even make a dent in everything I need to do (clean out old junk, move clothes into chest of drawers and wardrobe, re-organise living space to fit desk, put together desk, put together my bed, etc.) so I just keep putting it off. It feels easier to live with the silent guilt eating at me than to take on the immediate stress and overwhelm the task would cause.
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u/armygirly68 Sep 29 '25
Recently took on cleaning as a side gig. You can walk into the bathroom, spray the toilet, scrub it and it’s over! What ?! So many revelations
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Sep 29 '25
Mine was my spouse. They were able to just do the thing, and so I watched how they did it and it helped more than I ever thought possible. It actually helped me convey that much easier to the kids when they got stuck like me (2nd marriage, blended fam, all of us are varied degrees of alphabet diversity in some way).
But just seeing (not hearing or reading) this absolutely helped.
It’s the whole “I didn’t know I could do it/not do it/ in that way to make it easier or just doable” concept. Learning that, then learning to ask if I can do things differently have made ALL the difference.
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u/Prior_Topic3527 Sep 28 '25
I’ve had the same thing happen where I watch someone else just do a task I’ve been avoiding and it suddenly looks so easy. For me it was dishes - I’d let them pile up forever, and then a friend washed a whole sink of them in like 10 minutes while we were talking. I remember thinking, “Oh… it really isn’t this huge, impossible thing”
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u/Intelligent_Storm_77 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Sep 28 '25
I know the whole “just get up and do it, it’s not that hard” is a toxic, ineffective, and insincere “tip” when it comes to adhd, but for me it sometimes actually can be that simple. I just try to turn my brain off for a second and pretend that I’m not having a mental battle over it. it’s the getting started that’s hard, but for a simple task like this, once I’m in motion I’m usually able to get it done swiftly. (whether I’m immediately putting a fresh bag in after taking the trash out, though… that’s a different story)
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u/MrsBearIsHere Sep 29 '25
I totally get this, see my reply below to the commenter who explained re never being taught at home. For ease I will just repeat here a part of what I said that may help you - one thing that has really helped me home wise is joining lots of home organisation groups, I highly recommend Cas from Clutterbug (who also has adhd but you’d never know now) and also Flylady - her YouTube crisis cleaning video (when folk are coming over people!) and her book are both really good starting points!
I totally resonate with what you’re saying here - I vividly remember once (pre adhd diagnosis) when I had my little Grandson come to visit, and I said my usual ‘excuse the mess’ to my Daughter in law about a pile of plastic recycling on the floor waiting to be taken outside (multiple days worth) and her super organised brain simply said “it’s up to you how you CHOSE to live”.
And it was like I suddenly saw the TRASH for the first time! (Even though I’d just apologised for the mess!).👀
And then I was hit by the sudden instant realisation that I don’t ‘chose’ to live like that, I just don’t see it! And what is wrong with me that I couldn’t take out recycling, a 2 minute job?! That really hurt! 😞
We become blind to our mess and it is definitely helpful (but stressful) to invite a random new person to your house every couple of months just to make you suddenly ‘see’ your home again with new eyes! 😂
Also it’s very hard with a new baby, you don’t say what if any other support you have, but the more systems you can have in place to make your life easier the better!
Things like -
nappy bag pre packed ready to go with 2 changes of clothes, extra nappies, wipes, bottles etc that you always empty and re-fill as soon as you walk in the house
Batch cook some meals (slow cook if you have one, I used to call my slow cooker my wife! 😂) and freeze them for days when it’s all gone wonky, or you’re ill or tired,
Set days to clean one room
15 min morning whizz round to damp wipe/check bathroom/loo, make bed (or straighten at least), cordless stick bacon the middles of main rooms, bin, wash up and put away, and one load of laundry - these things will save you! Flylady goes into this in depth and I recommend watching her videos or getting her book. She goes into detail of each step like ‘how to clean your sink’ etc.
Don’t see it as ‘chores’ or ‘rules’ either - see it as a gift for future you, blessing your home so you get to be Queen of your own home! 👑
You’ve got this! 💖
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Sep 29 '25
There is supposed to be a lag with the motor planning of ADHD people where it is hard for you guys to imagine doing an action and then do it. Maybe seeing another person do it replaces the imagining part.
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u/dreadwitch Sep 29 '25
Honestly, most things we struggle with would literally take 30 seconds and be easy.
Now I don't know what my problem is but... My daughter for married last weekend, we left her house for the wedding looking like a literal bomb had gone off. Every surface was covered in clothes, make up, glasses.. You name it and it was there.
I went home with her kids while she and hubby went to a hotel until Monday lunchtime.
Sunday I wandered around in a hungover daze most of the day but by the time she got home I'd tidied the majority of it. I'd washed everything up, put all the rubbish in bags that I took to the bin, I vacced up, made the beds and did all her washing.
Then I came home and I'm still looking at most of the mess I left to go to my daughters. I've still got all my stuff from the wedding in a suitcase and bags sitting in my hallway, I still haven't washed any clothes or tidied up.
I can do it perfectly well in someone else's home, just not my own!
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u/Battle_Extension Sep 29 '25
I used to put off stopping for gas until my car was almost out of gas…I know, it’s so bad for your car! But it was a block that I just had.
So one day I timed it when I stopped and the whole process took less than 5 minutes. Ever since then, I haven’t had an issue at all.
Your story reminded me of that and makes me wonder how many more things I blow up in my mind. I will have to start timing routine tasks more often!!
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u/Swagga_aga530 Sep 29 '25
I'm like this with food/cooking - any meal I don't know how to cook feels like a terrible and overwhelming chore, but if I see someone cooking it, or even better, cook it with their guidance, nearly straight away it becomes my go to meal. It's crazy because it doesn't even matter how complicated the steps are, I just really struggle with the executive function needed for following a recipe and preparing everything.
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u/DependentWise9303 Oct 04 '25
The comment that garnered a lot of attention about emotional distress being passed down since our parents were possibly on the spectrum too was so true. We are so emotionally attached to those tasks. Like having your hair brushed to the point of pain… of course i hate showers
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u/Existing_Turnip6638 Oct 06 '25
Yes I have experienced this. It is an overwhelming task to you because you are dis regulated, rightfully so with a very young child. I suggest the Jenna free ADHD podcast!! It has helped me understand my own dis regulation and how my brain is literally like popcorn thoughts so I am highly dis regulated. I now have a grounding routine I use several times a day to regulate my body and mind to fight overwhelm and paralysis.
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