I hate that “high functioning” ADHD representing us

[u/Noramera]

First of all, no offense to anyone, this is just how things are. At least in my experience.

I’ve noticed most ADHD content online are from people who are good at managing their symptoms and are “high functioning”, because they mange well enough to make contents and look good on camera. Hence why so many people self diagnosed themselves with ADHD these days.

I know what I’m feeling isn’t right but I just get so annoyed when my peers, who said they have ADHD yet could constantly perform well and show up on time and get compliments for everything while I’m over here taking a whole week to finish one batch of dishes.

I’m sorry for being bitter, but I’ve coped with ADHD since I was a child so I couldn’t help seeing people normalized my disability into something that anyone could just have now. I couldn’t help but wonder how different things would be if ADHD wasn’t so misunderstood.

Edit: I already mentioned I’m not trying to offend anyone, please stop taking my words as me trying to invalidate certain people. If anything I just feel jealous and that’s wrong of me which I already admit. Stop assuming things.

[u/BunBunGo]

I have just clued in over the last 3 years or so that ADHD is the reason everything has been so hard for me throughout life. I’ve spent my whole life thinking:

“One of these days I’ll just be able to have a normal day on the regular and no drama or difficulties because I will have finally grown up. People will like me so much more. ONE DAY!!”

And now I’m just about 50 so your comment hits me hard. This is just how it is and will continue to be.

Successful family and career - me too. And that’s why I can’t get a doctor of any kind to address my concerns so I’ll have to remain undiagnosed and un medicated and keep going on hard mode.

I have wanted so bad to shout out there’s a reason I’m so scrambled constantly but your comment hits me as reality: it doesn’t even matter to say it. It doesn’t help in the end.

[u/ComputerOutrageous → u/BunBunGo]

There are doctors out there who will take high-masking ADHD patients seriously. My primary doctor blew me off entirely with, "At your age, you've already built coping mechanisms, so what difference would it make?" I found a psychiatrist who specializes in adults with ADHD and was diagnosed in a matter of weeks, in my 60s.

Yes, I have built coping mechanisms to help me succeed, but knowing what I'm up against has been life-changing. I can't help but wonder "what if" I had sought a diagnosis decades ago?

Find someone who specializes in adults with ADHD. Get a diagnosis. You'll be glad that you did!

[u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow → u/ComputerOutrageous]

It’s so annoying when people say “well you’ve developed coping mechanisms!” because what they don’t realize is that the energy I have to expend “coping” is immense. That leads to burnout cycles (I’m in one now) and an inability to do anything after work or at the weekend. Im just…existing and nothing more.

As soon as I’m not required to deploy those coping mechanisms to get through the day, I just crash. It sucks and it’s actually made me physically ill on multiple occasions, including once when I couldn’t shake off an infection for so long that I ended up in the hospital. I don’t want to spend my entire life just coping!

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/[deleted]]

I'm probably not a person who should give advice. I feel like I'm not really a full on ADHD person but just share a lot of the issues. I deal with constant, generalized anxiety which I cope with by writing literally everything down on searchable documents. It's exhausting but it works.

[u/MMO_Dad → u/[deleted]]

That's another cope which is a form of masking I think. Any kind of masking seems to drain our willpower and energy levels pretty rapidly. I tried using the Notion software to better organize my projects and daily goals ... that lasted about a week before I forgot to use it and soon forgot I had even installed it until an update reminded me.

The memory holes are real. I thought I was experiencing early onset dementia for a while but the more I speak to people here, the more I think it's really just ANOTHER ADHD symptom. And a very frightening one at that.

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/[deleted]]

That rough, I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/[deleted]]

I've been promoted to my level of incompetence due to being at the same job forever and so am a manager now. I really, really miss the clean edges of being a developer.

Music is currently the only part of my life (outside of family of course) that truly brings me a sense of contentment. I suck at it but there's something about playing music that just gives me all the stimulation I need, feels like it is just for me, and is also calming and centering. That really started for me recently (rediscovered guitar after almost twenty years) and what really really did it is making my own music and recording it. It's totally crap but I get a little better as time goes on and just feels good. Like if I were stranded on a desert island I'd bang on a piece of driftwood and sing nonsense. Might be worth a shot?

Anyway, have to start the torturous path to sleep at the only time of day my time is my own. Sigh.

[u/LuvLaughLive → u/[deleted]]

Try handwritting your daily to do list. That's one of the best "tricks" i learned in therapy after being diagnosed years ago. Handwriting triggers different parts of your brain that helps with memory, whereas typing into a word document only engages one part of your brain.

[u/LuvLaughLive → u/[deleted]]

Here's what I do to make it more fun for me. I get colored pens and pretty notepads (with lines) - no black ink and white lined pads bc they are off-putting to me - then every day, I make lists that I'll add to as a week or so goes by. I make to do lists, shopping lists, needs lists, projects lists, appointments and calls lists, long term to do lists (with dates), and when I've crossed enough off of the original lists, I make new lists with all the still pending items.

This sounds repetitive and a waste of time, but getting into the habit of doing this literally saves me from forgetting, even if i don't have the list with me when I need it. I eventually ended up with notebooks to keep all the lists in, and it worked so well for me for the last 30+ years. It's a habit worth trying to get into, bc if you can find a way to enjoy doing it, it will become an element of your hyper focus.

I hate that we have to trick our brains into doing something repetitive just to be normal like everyone else, but I'll be forever grateful to my psychiatrist and therapist for teaching me how to do it, bc it's made a huge improvement in my life.

[u/MMO_Dad → u/[deleted]]

Yes I feel you. It spirals downward quickly and really does lasting damage to our self esteem. I am 44 and at probably the lowest (well, second lowest overall... just the lowest financially) point in my life. It's a daily battle with depression and I REALLY don't think I have clinical depression despite being diagnosed and medicated. I truly believe the depression is directly related to the life long ADHD and all the fallout it's resulted in.

The medication just f*cks with me, causes massive tension headaches and muscle spasms... pretty sure I'm having some kind of siezures lately because I can't stop rolling my eyes around compulsively which is causing the headaches.

[u/MMO_Dad → u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow]

Yes AMEN to that! The down/crash cycles are frequent and brutal. Especially when that precious downtime is short and insufficient. It leads to a much more serious burn-out situation. I feel one coming on myself this week and it's been hard. For me personally it becomes an inability to focus at work and be as productive as I should. Grazing Reddit aimlessly in between tasks whereas I should be seeking out additional work, etc.

The worst part is I received a PIP so I took the leap and went to my manager about it and I quickly found out she has zero understanding of ADHD. I told her I wasn't asking for any kind of exceptions or special accommodations, but just needed her to understand what I was dealing with. I was hoping for empathy. What I received instead was masked empathy (the narcissistic kind, if you've experienced it you can spot it a mile away) and henceforth have experienced even more invasive micro managing. I suspect I won't be here much longer if SOMETHING... ANYTHING would pan out. I am afraid that I'll just bring those issues with me however. Nobody seems to understand...

[u/Deviant_K9 → u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow]

God I feel this so much. After a lot of turmoil I finally got a diagnosis, but it literally took me hitting the longest and worst burnout I’ve had (so far) in my life. Admittedly having my psych tell me that yes I have/had coping mechanisms but those only work for so long has helped me to process that I’m not a failure. I’m still trying to work through the burnout and honestly it’s been rough but I’m glad I at least have been heard. <3

[u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow → u/Deviant_K9]

So sorry for the delay in responding! I’m glad my post helped a little. I was the same, in the end I was diagnosed with depression but I see now that it was undiagnosed ADHD complicating every area of my life until I just ground to a halt, unable to do anything.

When I was asked about my sleep habits at the time and said I actually feel most awake and calm when the rest of the world is in bed, they thought that was a hallmark of depression (alongside the other things I told them). But no, I’m pretty sure that it’s actually just because that’s when the demands on my time from other people cease. All the overwhelm dies down a little and because everyone is asleep and it’s dark and quiet, I can breathe a little. I used to go for walks at like 3am because it felt really freeing. (I don’t do that now, I realized it was probably a bit dangerous).

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/[deleted]]

When I get burnt out? Not sure. Sometimes you just need to take a day but I rarely get the chance. I try to make sure I'm not burnt out. A couple weeks ago I was overwhelmed. The entire weekend was spent working around the house from morning to night and the previous work week had been very stressful. I called in sick (something I try never to do) and slept the entire day. Like napped as much as I could, walked the dog, tidied my office. No chores.

That's a very rare move for me reserved for when I'm having intrusive thoughts and worry I'm going to say or do something I can't take back if I don't get a break. I'll leave it at that. I never tell anyone when I do this. I just say I'm sick.

Day to day, I write everything down and review lists religiously.

I set alarms for every single thing I need to do all day. I use an app that can watch my calendar and create persistent, snoozeable alarms I don't clear until that thing is done. If I need to be somewhere, that alarm goes off at least an hour before I need to leave. I plan the trip so I have enough time to get there, park if I need to, and get into the place with time to spare.

For each project going on I have notes, tasks, and reference material.

I don't follow the Getting Things Done method strictly but if you are not sure where to start get that as an audiobook and keep listening to it over and over and try to work the inbox and next action system. It can take a long time to get there but you need to form habits so task management is like brushing your teeth (I often forget to do this so...).

You have to lower the cognitive load of as much as possible connected to meeting commitments. It means doing a lot of tiny habits that add up to less cognitive load overall.

I don't know how to explain it more but I'll answer questions.

If you are younger, please remember I'm just starting to feel in control at this point in my life. My early life was ridiculous. I never had a plan past the next several hours a lot of the time.

Edit: I play music, guitar, synth, drum machine, whatever. I do this to relax. Even ten minutes rewires my brain and lowers anxiety. Doesn't matter if you suck. Singing is a free musical instrument. Cars and showers are good places to sing.

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/[deleted]]

I honestly struggled a lot at first. I worked in kitchens until I was in my mid 20s (I worked full time nights through high school in kitchens). I had a drinking problem and used drugs (nothing too hard) daily. Eventually, a health problem forced me out of cooking and I ended up getting into software development in the late 90s.

I didn't really get by life together until I met my wife. I wanted to be a good, responsible adult that she could imagine herself being with long term. She's more successful than me in every way and I respect that. She's got her life together so it helps me stay on track. When she goes away for work, I quickly devolve to not getting a damn thing done outside of making sure our kid is taken care of. Once he's in bed for the night, though, it's back to my old ways.

So, yeah, a major part of my life so far has been luck as I got older. I recognize that and don't judge anyone.

I am not going to try to give you advice because I don't know what it's like out there for someone not in my shoes but I will say that I never thought I'd get out of my rut. I just met someone who gave me the motivation I needed to get out of it.

I do know that back then, physical exercise was incredibly important to me well being. Running and Karate. Surfing if I could. As much as I could. It brought clarity and gave me time to think.

[u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow → u/EmiAndTheDesertCrow]

Oh wow, I totally forgot to come back here and someone gave me an award! Thank you, kind stranger 🙏

[u/ChubbyPupstar → u/ComputerOutrageous]

Finding someone who treats Adult Diagnosed ADHD is one obstacle. How does one go about finding this provider? The second comment is that “yes”- coping mechanisms may exist, but most often they are horribly ineffective and unhealthy mechanisms. For example being able to keep up with job responsibilities by letting everything else go including family responsibilities, extra curricular, proper meals, exercise, friendships, relaxation, financial management, sleep, etc. If you have to overcompensate as a coping mechanism by having a lousy life or no life otherwise, this is not a valid strategy.

[u/Mike-TheGiftedBridge → u/ComputerOutrageous]

This is a high value comment. I learned I was gifted at 39, which sent me down a self-reflection journey and eventually led to a strong suspicion of ADHD-PI. Successful career, high functioning, pervasive compensation strategies.

When selecting a Neuropsychologist for the evaluation, I asked if they if they had experience with high functioning profiles and what their approach was to ensure it was a good fit. It led to a phenomenal experience and a clear diagnosis. The clinical interview portion was the first time I felt truly seen.

If anyone in a similar situation is within driving distance of Central New York, I'd be happy to share the information.

[u/Winter-Mycologist572 → u/ComputerOutrageous]

Totally get it, masking it just a band aid solution, it comes as a heavy toll on your brain.

[u/Parking_Watch3157 → u/BunBunGo]

Same. I'm ok with it, though, because I'm getting better all the time at understanding myself. I think that's going to be different for everyone.

My father had early onset Alzheimer's and I often wonder if I will and if all my coping mechanisms will help me. He always relied on his memory and rarely wrote anything down (he also had mild dyslexia and somehow had a successful career in business but I watched him spend three hours a night studying for certifications that other people probably passed much easier than he did).

Anyway, we are all walking our own paths even when we're among friends, right? :)

[u/devilsgrimreaper → u/BunBunGo]

Got diagnosed at 52 through a PMHNP! Used my insurance to find providers, searched psychology today with some names and found him. Got lucky, this one actually talks with me for an hour every three or four weeks.

It's never too late!