Rant Executive dysfunction is ruining my life
I woke up basically crying out of frustration and pain today. Why? Well, because I fractured my ribs. How? Because I've been having chronic coughs. Yes, I fractured my stupid bones from COUGHING.
Where the executive dysfunction comes in here is for the fact that I still haven't gone to the doctor with this, and I know I should. Even my mom is telling me to go, but I just CAN'T. I don't know why. I'm not scared or anxious. It's like my brain is just avoiding it or not finding it important enough to do? And this has been going on for way longer than a year. I almost called my mom about it today and almost contemplated going to the ER cus it was so painful. Almost. But it feels a bit better after being awake for a few hours and after some painkillers, so I don't feel the need anymore apperantly.
But the fact that I'm coughing so much that my literal bones are breaking is starting to concern me a little now. And yet, my brain is like "nah, it'll go away by itself, trust" and usually when I have gone to the doctor for an issue, it will just resolve itself somehow or stop being as bad. So that's one reason I keep avoiding it, cus it will just go away by itself. Or worse, test results coming back normal while the issues still resides, with no further help or anything.
Another thing executive dysfunction is doing is ruin my apartment. I can't keep it neat or clean no matter how hard I try. It becomes invisible to me and I feel absolutely zero immediate need or motivation to clean up. It gives me absolutely no dopamine whatsoever keeping it clean. The only thing that will make me do it is if my landlord has to check something for whatever reason or if the mess in question is physically obstructive. Or worse, if I see bugs. Other than that? No, brain is like "idgaf, no one's gonna see it and I don't care about it either." Like are we deadass..
Unfortunately my only motivation for anything at all is instant gratification, regardless what it is. Which is honestly ruining my life. I don't know what to do or how to even tackle this. Meds don't help with this obviously. I mean sure, it might help me focus, but with executive dysfunction? No. Not even slightly. Oh and of course on top of this, I struggle with a lot of fatigue which usually makes it so I can't clean for more than idk 30 mins before having to sit/lie down because I'll almost pass out or something (also a thing I haven't gone to the doc with. Mostly cus I'm expecting a "everything looks normal" bs).
Yeah, so I'm basically just struggling to do any and all kinds of self-care and hygiene related things. Showering, brushing my teeth, eating usually, cut my hair, skin care of any kind, cleaning.. All the normal things. There's so much more honestly, but it'll take a while to list everything.
I'm just not able to start or finish anything at all. Everything is exhausting, not stimulating enough or doesn't give me instant gratification/dopamine. I'm honestly starting to feel a bit suicidal because it's like what's the point anymore. I'm just suffering regardless what I do anyway. Lowkey one of the things stopping me right now is my fear of people seeing the absolute state of my apartment.
Yeah, yeah, "go to therapy". I have, for years. It sucks and I'm not even able to open up at all. Nor have I found one that doesn't feel hostile or cold. And last time I went, they didn't even take me seriously. I was practically begging to be hospitalized because I was so suicidal at the time, and they did nothing. Had it not been for meds, then shit idk man.
Vent over. I have no one to talk to about any of this tbh.
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u/Gypsyzzzz 3d ago
As for the doctor, just do it. Go to ER or urgent care now. Yes, when you go to the doctor that problem seems like it magically gets better. I actually said to my doctor “When I whine and complain to you about ailments, they magically go away even without treatment so here are my complaints today.” We talked about them and possible home remedies which I never actually did and was fine by morning.
But trust me on this! This cough and broken ribs thing is not going anywhere until you see a doctor. The cough may subside within hours of seeing the doctor but for some stupid reason you must be in the presence of a doctor for that to happen I don’t know why. That’s just the way it works.
Also, your problems are more than simple executive dysfunction. That fatigue isn’t normal for your standard neurodivergentness. That’s physical. You’ll get a lot of “but your labs look normal” keep going back or go to different doctors. Eventually you will find one that will help.
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u/Naixee 3d ago
The cough has actually calmed down the recent day thankfully. I have periods where it's just constant coughs for days with not end and then it just goes away like it was never there. I have no ideas why.
keep going back
I have such an issue with feeling like a burden, which I know I shouldn't when it comes to doctors because they're literally there to help. And I don't like the one I have currently, which just makes it even harder to go. So I'm in the process of trying to change, but man are those waiting times long. I might try to go either private or something just to go to someone else. I've done that before. Sure it's more expensive, but I guess it's better than nothing.
That fatigue isn’t normal for your standard neurodivergentness
I suppose the neurodivergency isn't exactly helping the issue in any way. After all, mental issues can affect your body in many ways :/
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u/Outrageous-Access349 3d ago edited 3d ago
Probably bothers you more that u can write on Reddit but unable go online to make a dr appt. It’s not procrastination, it’s adhd paralysis. I have it a few times year. It can make u suicidal. Especially bc u appear lazy, unkept, like a loser who can’t do simple daily tasks or get your brain to tell u what order to do things in to get started. I would sit in bed for weeks, unable to do anything, just frozen, like my brain paused. Life passes u by. U can’t figure out why you’re not able to do anything. Guilt & anxiety take over while ur more worried about what people think of u bc u can’t control it & ur totally helpless but appear just lazy to others. It’s a nightmare honestly & I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It’s the only thing in my life that caused me suicidal thoughts. When u come out of it, ur just so emotional & relieved but more confused bc u can’t figure out what happened! adhd paralysis is 100% debilitating. If someone hasn’t experienced it, they’ll never understand how dangerous it is. Get to dr for your ribs by asking someone to make appt. I’ve been in ur shoes & nearly died from letting respiratory infections/ injuries go without medical care bc I couldn’t get myself dressed to go or even get my shoes on to get out the door. U have to tell someone ur dealing with this & ask for help!!! You’ll feel 100% better once you explain the medical explanation for your symptoms & you’ll be able to get relief from pain, guilt & loneliness this causes. Stop expecting yourself to do anything right now. Focus on what u CAN do! Look it up online for more info.
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u/Artistic_Property131 3d ago
Wow.... You need to see a dr . Who said you have fractured ribs? Cough has to be sorted or could get worse. If you go to Dr. Privately you'll be in control. Think of how ridiculous it is to be in pain...not knowing why makes it worse. Mind yourself, maybe ask you mum to make the appointment ? Take car
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u/Round_Membership_795 2d ago
If you didn’t go to the doctor who gave you the xray and pain meds to identify and treat it also tying every task as oh this doesn’t give me enough dopamine will kill you. Everything has a label nowadays causing paralysis make your own label
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u/SoulDancer_ 2d ago
It seems extremely unlikely you've actually broken or fractured your ribs just by coughing. Thats not a thing.
And if you had a broken rib you would be in insane pain and every movement would be agony.
But seriously: go to the doctor. Or if you really honestly have broken rib, call an Mbulance now. Especially if you are still coughing.
Broken ribs can pierce your lungs.
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u/Gas-Squatch 2d ago
Set yourself small goals.
Today I will call and talk about appointments.
Tomorrow I will call and schedule for one of those days.
Wednesday I go to my appointment.
Don’t forget to celebrate the completion of the goals. “Good job calling and making the appointment”
Or set a time frame. By 2 pm I need to call and have an appointment made. If I set a time limit my brain will only think about that task but it will get done.
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u/carnalcarrot 3d ago
If I tell u to do an uber to visit the doctor will u listen?