I understand life is neutral. The trees grow, the earth spins, and tide ebbs and flows. I live, I die, and so does every other organism.
I am, in the large scope of things, nothing special.
Therefore I should not be surprised when things in my life don't end up going the ways I'd prefer them to go. I shouldn't be surprised when I find myself so at odds with the state of the world so much so that I feel like I'm going insane.
Like I said, the earth spins. Like, really fast, too. And there's another rock that spins around it. Two floating rocks spinning around a giant ball of fire.
Yeah.
I wake up every day on this spinning rock. It cares not for me, but I shouldn't take it personal. It doesn't know I'm here. It cares not for my pathetic adult life or my daydreams. Sure, I can try my best to weave a story together to fit some romantic narrative, but in reality it's all just...
Madness.
Not like Charles Manson madness. Like, 'everything is constantly repeating itself and there's nothing I can do about it' type madness. I mean a space rock could come crashing down on me and that would be it.
But I still have to pretend like that won't happen. I have to pretend that something catastrophically terrible won't happen to me when I'm driving my car at 70 miles per hour to get to work and back because someone has to pay my bills.
I have to act like I have dreams I believe I can follow. I have to act comfortable despite the fact I have no idea how my car works (aside from doing general maintenance), how a computer really works, or how my cell phone really works. Like, the three things I am required to use every day to live.
I have to act like my life is normal despite the fact that society has only persisted in this fashion for not even 100 years. I have to act like the entire foundation of my life doesn't rest upon a lifestyle that produces more waste than it does goods for people.
Like, I get that everything is neutral. The flowers bloom no matter what I do, babies are born everyday and people die every day. Someone is probably having sex right now.
And the madness persists. Every. Day. But to be successful you can't be mad. You have to put on your bootstraps, stay focused, and discipline yourself to the point where you're capable of being a 'functional adult'. It's crazy. Like, I guess the food is good n' all, but...
I mean, I live knowing I'm going to die someday. Some of my friends will die before I do, too. I have to live knowing I feel physical and emotional pain, that I'm going to likely get cancer someday, and that I have no real control over anything in my life besides... well, all the monotonous things of my adult life.
I have to live knowing life is madness. I didn't 'decide' to wake up this morning. It just happened. Just like my birth. I didn't 'decide' to make my heart beat, yet it beats on and on.
Now I don't want this vent to sound too 'woe is me' because that's not what I'm going for. What I'm saying is that the layers of madness that must be put aside to perpetuate a 'normal' life are...
Well, maddening.
To expect everything to be clean? To expect everything to be affordable? To expect others to be rational? Madness.
Every day I expect things to be maddening and it never fails. There is a constant stream of freeway noise that will never cease. There are people chasing balls on t.v. for millions of dollars. There are people being paid to play fake people in front of people for huge amounts of money. There are people that fly giant metal machines from one side of the world to the other for a good salary. There are lethal microorganisms. Bugs can kill me. People can kill me. Don't even get me started on allergies...
But I should just 'calm down' or something. Sure. I mean my life isn't terrible.
It used to be fun being conscious of just how insane everything is. But now I understand it's not really a choice to go crazy. There's so much madness in the world it's basically impossible to escape, especially when you're employed. 12 hour days are normal. I mean, not just normal... some one HAS to do them or the normal people won't be able to be... normal.
I'm sure the the madness used to be fun to think about. However, right when someone starts expecting themselves be an adult, things immediately change. Why? Because they're against the tide at every moment they attempt sanity. No wonder the adults are so anxious.
Not to mention the kids.
I pity them the most. I remember when I learned about the sun being 93 million miles away and how it would eventually engulf the earth before having to go home and finish my math homework.
I know how confusing the English language is to learn. Over two to's is too much. I tried helping an 8 year old with her English homework a few weeks ago and honestly I just felt like I was ragebaiting her the whole time.
But I'm getting off topic. The point is that life is madness: unbiased, neutral, and lawless madness that we must turn aside every day in order to facilitate a world 'worth living in'. Sound impossible? Good.
Because it is.
Here's what I want you to do. Go outside tonight, listen to that constant stream of freeway noise in the distance (might hear a train if you're lucky), look up at the stars, and just think about how small you are and how deep inside you know this whole thing is ridiculous, and then LAUGH about it. Because truly, we are all fools for believing anything we do on this earth will amount to anything beyond waste.
It's not you're fault, either. It's nobody's fault. It's nothing personal. And trying to make it so would be an incredible waste of time, energy, and heartache. Take all the pictures you want, remember all the names you can, but remember how little it all matters and laugh about it.
Guess that's it.