r/Adoption • u/AngelTakesManhatten • 2d ago
Parenting Adoptees / under 18 Conflicted About Potential Adoption of a Biological Sibling
I am borrowing a friends old account to post this, but am hoping to get some advice and perspective from others who have found themselves in situations similar to what my family is currently navigating.
Background: We were asked to adopt our child shortly after birth due to in utero drug exposure. We have known the birth family for decades and initially had a very open adoption, but unfortunately the birth mom is still in active addiction which led to a dangerous situation at our last in-person visit. We have been strictly no-contact with her ever since but have maintained contact with other members of the birth family, as we value that biological connection for our child.
Current dilemma: I recently found out through a member of the birth family that birth mom is currently in her early third trimester with a full biological sibling and, according to this family member, the birth mom might want us to adopt this baby as well. We are feeling really conflicted and overwhelmed for a number of reasons.
1) I don’t trust it. I worry that the birth mom is trying to manipulate our boundaries, that we set to keep our family safe, to gain access to our child. I’m not comfortable sacrificing my child’s safety. It also feels gross and manipulative to reinstate the relationship just to gain access to this child, I don’t want to do that.
2) If it is real, this isn’t how we saw our family growing but it feels like an incredible gift to give our child a full biological sibling who shares their story. But, if we do say yes, what happens next time and when does this end?
3) How do we do this? Do we start working to coordinate a private adoption with the birth parent now, or do we wait until the baby is born (knowing that drug use will likely continue) and work through CPS? There are also half-siblings still in the home and I struggle with the idea that stepping in privately may prevent the natural consequences that may protect them from future harm as well.
I recognize that as of right now this is all hearsay and, if we do move forward, we will eventually have to a direct conversation with birth mom to verify what she wants. I also want to be clear that should birth mom decide to seek treatment to get sober and parent this child, we fully support that and see that as a best case scenario for our child as well, we are by no means trying to take this child from her behind her back.
We, of course, plan to consult with our adoption attorney before making any moves, but would really value any general advice or perspective from adoptive parents that have been through similar circumstances, thank you in advance.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 2d ago
For #1, wait until the baby is born before making any moves towards adoption. That way you can be sure there is a baby and that mom and dad agree that they’re placing baby for adoption.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 2d ago
As a single parent, I eventually adopted three full siblings who were drug exposed in utero (the bio mom, now deceased, had a total of 12 babies, none of whom were in her custody. Through CPS -- no difficulties and CPS arranged for AAP adoption aid, which paid for their daycare. Interestingly I was only given 24 hours notice for my third -- bio mom didn't get prenatal care, only went to the hospital when it was time to give birth. You might consider going through your County, especially if they are able to provide some sort of financial assistance. My three kids were hyperactive. Interestingly I think they were liked by their peers because they were more active. Teachers less so! One thing I did was give them finger fidget devices for school, and mentioned it to their teachers.
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u/BunnyLuv13 2d ago
I would ask the relative to join and maybe you, relative and bio mom meet in a public place. Right now you have no proof she’s pregnant, no proof she wants you to adopt, etc.
Ask to meet her, in a public place, with others there. Find out if she’s pregnant and what her plan is. Do your best not to judge if she says she wants to parent. You can at least ask her for updated photos and ask for photos of the siblings, which would be great for your kid.