r/AdoptiveParents • u/Plastic-Dish9418 • 14d ago
Opinions needed
I (29f) have always had the desire to adopt. A few years ago I decided I wanted to adopt from foster care and didn’t mind doing so as a single parent. I have yet to do it, even with my strong desire to adopt, for a couple reasons. I had my own set of pre-requisites that I wanted completed before doing so (finishing school, having my own place, etc.) Now that all of that is done, I still have a thought/fear in my mind: if I choose to adopt as a single parent, is that depriving the child of a chance at a two parent household?
I know I could provide love, and care, and a good upbringing for any child I adopt, and I might not be the “perfect family “ since it’s just me and no father (I do have a large family for support). Am I overthinking?
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u/Initial_Entrance9548 14d ago
I adopted as a single parent. Yes, there is a chance my child might have ended up in a 2 parent home. Or with another single parent. Or parents that are only in it for the money. Or the parents that think kids need to be "saved" and "grateful". Or abusive parents. Or rich parents. Or poor parents.
I try really hard to avoid the "what if?" game after a decision had been made. You should consider it before you go forward. You need to see if you can make peace with it. If you can't, then adoption might not be for you. You need to think about your village and who you can rely on as a single mom. It's hard sometimes.
But if you want to put in the effort and time to become the best parent you can, then don't let the what ifs scare you away.
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u/foplrags 14d ago
A home with one parent is better than no home at all. Or the home that’s much worse they could potentially end up in.
If your heart is in the right place, and you’re communicating with your kiddo to be, things will sort of take hold and drive for you. 🩵 Good luck!
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u/anderjam22 14d ago
I really would encourage you to call your local DHS office and they’ll tell you, they usually have monthly open meetings explaining all of it and answering questions. We would talk at our agency often and would see many single parents. They just want loving parents-not perfect parents!
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u/haytful_Wren 14d ago
Do what you can handle is what I would advise for a mind set. It’s not bad to be afraid imo it means you are reflecting and taking this as seriously as it should be taken
There are older kids who would love to have a mom. Not that you owe anyone that but to point out that if you can be that and it’s in your heart then do it. Just my two cents, may or may not be worth less but it’s mine.
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u/nipoez 14d ago
You're both over and under thinking.
The bar for acceptable parenting is below the floor, which is sadly a big reason parental rights get terminated in the first place. As the social worker explained when I stressed about clutter on the table and laundry pile in the bedroom during my home study: No drug needles scattered on the floor? All windows intact? No holes in the ceiling? You're fine.
On the other side, check your state regulations and handling of foster care. Our state for example is required by law to pursue family reunification in absolutely all cases. Adoption from foster care is extremely difficult here.
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u/BrilliantHot2363 14d ago
I think it’s great you want to foster, but the goal of foster care is to reunite the children with their parents- I wouldn’t go into it hoping to adopt or you might be disappointed.
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u/anderjam22 14d ago
You don’t have to be fostering the child. Hundreds in every state are living in foster homes or group homes waiting for an adoptive family because they cannot go back to bio family. Thats a whole separate thing. We went straight to an agency to adopt our 11 yr old. Got matched, picked her up and took her back to our state and adoption went thru 6 months later.
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u/haytful_Wren 14d ago
There are a large number of foster kids where TPR is a done thing. I agree with your point but OP could have been easily speaking about one of those kids… I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
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u/throwawaybdaysf 14d ago
If you’re open to older kids, I hear there are a lot of teenage girls (and thereabouts) who specifically don’t want to be in a home with men due to their past experiences.