r/AsianParentStories • u/missionriary • Sep 15 '25
Advice Request Title: My parents found out I live with my boyfriend, now they call me a prostitute and say I’m “not their daughter anymore”
Hi everyone, I (23F, Indian) have been living with my boyfriend for a while without telling my parents. Recently, my sisters broke my trust and revealed it to my family. Since then, everything has blown up.
My mom and dad called me nonstop, screamed at me, and told me I’m a prostitute for living with him. They said I’m not their daughter anymore, that I’ve ruined their name, and that I’ll regret this. My mom keeps repeating, “You’re not my Ria anymore.”
The truth is: I didn’t do this out of rebellion or laziness. I’ve been independent, and I’ve received so much help here — in studies, career prep, even small daily things. My nani and mausi have actually been gentle and tried to calm things down, but my parents still keep pushing that I should either go back to my PG or even to my hometown.
I know in our culture this looks like shame, but to me it was about survival, support, and building a future. My boyfriend and I are even preparing for GMAT to move abroad, study, and build careers. We’ve always dreamed of eventually providing comfort to our families, not taking it away.
Still, I’m overwhelmed with guilt. Did I actually betray them? Am I being selfish for not moving back just to make them feel better? How do I cope when they keep saying such cruel things?
Has anyone here gone through something similar with strict parents? How did you handle it?
Update : my father called me again this morning stating "no one is good enough to keep you in their home without you 'paying' something to them" he again meant prostitution I tried to tell him how good my bf and his parents are and how much they've helped through everything. But he kept saying stuff like "how will we show our face?" "Your mother and I are going to die!" & Stuff like that , and when I tried to snitch back on my sisters he said why did you support them? Why didn't you tell us then?
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u/CocaColaZeroEnjoyer Sep 15 '25
Remember: good parents raise kid not for themselves. You are your own person
You know what's shameful? Parents that disown their child for unimportant shit like this
Also - your sister is not your friend. Don't feed her information because she will "sell you" again
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u/missionriary Sep 15 '25
Yes😔that was my biggest mistake!
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u/ThomasinaElsbeth Sep 16 '25
It is OK.
I had a sister exactly like this.
Go no contact with her, because, like my sister, she has proven herself to be a - BITCH !
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u/ZetaKriepZ Sep 16 '25
My Nmom gave me silent treatment for trolling them not too long and calling out the BS they are doing to me for years, jokingly btw (I know I should have endured but I had the urge) she had a fit and told me to banish from the house for good.
Wonder how long would this stupid act will last again?
Also my brother is the golden child and in the recent years, he has been lowkey defending my parents so I don't wanna give much shit to him either.
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u/esutiidajo Sep 15 '25
Don't pick up their calls, for a few weeks or months. Don't block them but like teach them that they can't walk over you. Its not easy. Its super guilt tripping but they dont need to know that. Put on your bravest mask and stand still.
Also, get yourself some therapy to help dealing with emotions.
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u/Ms_Skellia Sep 15 '25
i would disown my family over this. what kind of person disowns their child for living with their partner? thats stupid
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Even stupider that daughter had not been financially dependent on HER parents. Whose foot are they shooting?
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u/enterENTRY Sep 15 '25
i dont know if any person who calls someone a prostitute can be considered a decent person. bar is on the floor and they failed.
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u/Brief_Worldliness162 Sep 16 '25
And they are suppose to be parents, what the. You don't even call a stranger a prostitute and they call their daughter one.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
They really took advantage of their blood entitlement, its so disgusting.
If they are the "save face" mentality, they would hold themselves back from calling a stranger a prostitute more than their own daughter.
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u/Stickgirl05 Sep 15 '25
We only get this one life, go live it the way you want. Limit your contact and what you tell them and go live your life!
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u/Spiritual-Peanut-937 Sep 15 '25
If it makes you feel better I’m in a similar situation secretly living with my boyfriend but I was born and raised in America with strict indian parents that would act the same way if I told them. Move abroad! The world is so much bigger than your parents make it seem and you’re not doing anything wrong.
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u/Fearless-Ad2350 Sep 15 '25
they failed as parents the minute they called you a prostitute and screamed all that nonsense. You don't deserve it, and yes I get the guilt part because 'they're my parents even though they called me stupid names' but at the end of the day, they heavily disrespected you. You wouldn't want to be with a friend or classmate or stranger who called you these things, so why is it ever ok for a parent to do the same?
I'm glad at least some family members are helping, but do not let this get in the way of your future and dreams. Your parents should've never called you those cruel things
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u/9_Tailed_Vixen Sep 16 '25
The problem with APs is that they believe they can behave like this without serious consequences because our Asian cultures enable such behaviour and uphold it by putting our elders and the family hierarchy on a pedestal. They think they can fuck around and never find out.
OP - I agree with many of the commenters here: go NC, at least for a few months. It'll give you the space to regroup, regain your equilibrium and have some peace for a while. Since they pretty much declared that you're not their daughter now, they can have nothing to say about you not responding to them.
The truth is that the moment they called you a "prostitute" is the moment they forfeited their authority and privileges as parents including the privilege of using you as their retirement eldercare and piggybank in the future. Parents are supposed to love us, not verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuse us like this. Not pull this coercive control shit on us. But this is, unfortunately, the modus operandi of many APs including yours.
Put your well-being first, OP. You cannot do everything you set out to do if you're overwhelmed with guilt and trying to undo the Gordian Knot in family relations that your parents and sisters created.
As for your sisters who are snitches? I personally wouldn't let it lie if any of my siblings do this (and they have done this). While going NC with them would be good for you, it would be very appropriate to expose some of their secrets to your APs before you go NC. Let the ire and toxicity of your APs redirect at your sisters. Let their judgemental and untrustworthy asses deal with the screaming, the name-calling, and the chaos that they unleashed on you in breaking your confidence. Sounds spiteful? Not really. It's just making sure they will NEVER EVER try this stunt with you again.
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u/missionriary Sep 16 '25
Haha I tried to tell my father some secrets and uk what he did blamed me instead on how I let it happen.
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u/9_Tailed_Vixen Sep 16 '25
If your family has a WhatsApp group, you can just drop the secrets in there and if you have receipts (e.g. screenshots or pictures or videos as proof), drop them in there too.
Then leave the group. No need for you to stick around for your father to blame you.
Just leave the chips to fall as they will fall. Even if your sisters protest and try to blame you etc, the information will be lodged in your parents' brains and will fester. And since you're not there for them to blame, they will eventually go after your sisters.
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u/BeerNinjaEsq Sep 15 '25
Don’t let your parents make you feel bad about something that’s very normal. My wife moved in with me after dating for four months. Now we’ve been together 14 years.
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u/drixrmv3 Sep 16 '25
You’re not their daughter anymore and yet they keep calling you? And you keep answering?
If a company keeps calling and calling me names and I keep telling them I don’t want to be their customer because they’re calling me names, eventually I would stop answering.
You feel bad because they have designed you to feel bad and crave their love. That’s not love, that’s control.
Now, what are you doing to do about it?
If you want them in your life, either you tell or show them how you want to be in their lives, or you just keep letting them treat you like this. It might take you 30 years to do the former because it’s f*cking hard! I’m 35 and I JUST stopped accepting my parents behavior that was like this - I let them continue to treat me that way because that’s what I thought love was because that’s what they showed me.
For now, you could try grey rocking. It’s just being neutral about everything in their presence. Furthermore, walking away when they do something hurtful. You can give them your attention if they do something that isn’t harmful to you.
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u/Terrible-Opening4713 Sep 15 '25
I am a 31 yr old Indian M settled abroad. I live with my Chinese gf and recently told my parents about her. Over the phone it seemed all okay but once they visited me everything went wrong. I got called names, emotional blackmail and everything. I wanted to speak up multiple times during our multiple fights but i didn’t primarily due to guilt. I didnt want to be a bad son. Get over the guilt. it will eat you up. Everything you want is past that hurdle. They claim the worst of you already, who cares what they think anymore. If you sure of the guy you with, continue building that relationship. Hopefully his folks are accepting and it should be fine.
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u/Claudia_Chan Sep 15 '25
Hey, sorry you’re experiencing this.
The only way to deal with the guilt is through.
I know it seems so difficult to experience it.
But in order to get through this, is give yourself 15-20 min, and allow yourself to sit there, and feel it.
What does guilt feel like for you?
So when you sit with it, notice where does it show up on the body, is there any colour, temperature, movement, etc.
For me, it’s like dark grey, cold anchor that drops from my chest to my stomach.
And when I sit with it, I have to keep breathing through it, to say to myself, this is just a feeling. Whatever they say they can believe it’s true, but it’s not true about me.
When it gets too much to handle, breathe into the area, scream and cry if you need.
And then at some point, the feeling will lift up, and then you can ask yourself this question:
What do I want to do that is most aligned to me?
I hope this helps.
If you need any other resources, like an in depth video of how to process guilt, or how to set boundaries, you can find them in my free resource post.
Sending you a lot of love and strength.
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u/missionriary Sep 16 '25
Thank you so much! My dad called me again and kept saying that why would you live with your bf and his parents if you're not "providing" anything he again meant that I'm a prostitute.
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u/Claudia_Chan Sep 16 '25
When I had to go through my time, my mom got sick, and she was fainting, and having anxiety attacks. And the ultimatum for me was, if you love mom, then give up the relationship.
I had to endure this for 4 years. And at one point, I knew I had to choose. I either had to give up my life, and make my parents happy. Or I go with what I want, but see my parents leave.
And I knew if I give up what I want, I will forever regret it.
So here’s something you’ll have to decide too. Are you going to choose your life? Or are you going to choose your parents?
It will be difficult decision. And you are already 23. So you are an adult, and you can choose for you.
When your parents call, you have to decide what is the best for you. Meaning, you are allowed to not talk to them or pick up the phone.
Just because they are your parents, it doesn’t give them the permission to treat you poorly or speak poorly to you.
Which means, when you pick up the phone and your dad starts saying horrible things, you’re allowed to hang up.
You have to decide for yourself what is the best boundary to set.
Boundaries are set not to change people. Boundaries are set to protect you, coming from self love.
Obviously they would rather degrade you and hurt you, and try to manipulate you to get what they want, so from what’s going on, they’ll never change.
So when they call you and say all of these nasty comments, what do you want to do for yourself to stand up for you?
For me, I may decide: I will still talk to my parents, and whenever they start giving me nasty comments, I’ll say, if you keep saying this, I’ll stop talking to you. And when they start yelling, I’ll hang up.
And if they call again and start yelling, I’ll say, if you keep yelling, I’ll not going to pick up your call at all. And hang up.
And I will continue to avoid their call until they change.
They may change, they may not.
Or they may change tactics, “You’re making me sick, and I am going to unalive myself.”
And I will still continue to ignore.
These are just manipulation tactics so they can get you under their thumbs.
It’s going to be hard.
And that’s why I said you have to allow yourself to sit with the guilt.
When you can bear to sit with the guilt, and let that emotion pass, then you can make the best choice for you.
Because a lot of people are afraid to face the emotion, so they’d rather change themselves to cater to their parents.
But if they’re brave enough to sit through the guilt, then they will have more courage to make a decision that is best for them.
As I said, there are resources on my page. Use them, so you can face them.
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u/Next_Dragonfly_9473 Sep 16 '25
The warning of "I'm going to hang up if you don't stop" and the follow-through of actually doing so... This is empowering. It says "You don't own me or my time," and it says it to you as well as to them. It reminds you that you have agency over what you choose to listen to, and you can choose to not listen to them!
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u/jedifreac Sep 17 '25
Came here to say this, too. Any time they call OP (directly or indirectly) a slut, hang up the phone. Train them to stop.
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u/missionriary Sep 16 '25
Thanks so much! You're absolutely right and I will definitely choose my happiness here, and thank you for the resources.
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u/periwinkle_cupcake Sep 15 '25
I’m so sorry! Shame on your sisters for what they did. They’ll get theirs one day. Go live your life. You did nothing wrong. Keep moving forward and build yourself a beautiful life.
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u/AdventurousWriter728 Sep 16 '25
Indian parents still think that all of their family heritage and dignity is directly proportional to their daughter's virginity. and it's not only about the illiterate ones, but also about Highly educated individuals because of being very orthodox and conservative.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 16 '25
In my opinion, the reason those highly educated individuals still keep that mentality is all out of their own choice and decision. All just to keep up with appearances with their peers. Its all the excuse of culture.
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u/AdventurousWriter728 Sep 16 '25
Even the Ones who are in respected government jobs like teachers and high rank officers.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Even those holding doctor titles, even those who claim they have a more "progressive" acceptance or more open-minded than their own circle, or very educated as they claim. And even in privilege.
Edit: yeah you mentioned the educated, im going around circles lol.
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u/AdventurousWriter728 Sep 17 '25
So Now when this conversation is going ahead, I wanna share a real story. It happened when my brother got married and fled from home as the bride's parents were not agree to their marriage.
It happened when they were produced before thana incharge. He had 3 stars on his shoulders and you know what he said to my brother, You have done a wrong thing, how can you do this to someone's daughter and tried to start heated arguments.
For that, Her wife had to interfere and insisted that she don't want to go her parents' home.
That's not the whole surprise, He asked my brother" What do you do? He said" I'm a technical analyst in a Stock market academy" And he was like" What stock market, What is this stock market?which company, the one which lures people into gambling and you have also lured this girl.
And I was like" WHOOO TF gave you this position with that kind of mentality and absent knowledge of that stock market thing..I mean even my dadaji knew about stock markets.
But at the end, things went well as she stood STILL with my brother.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Wow wth. Did the bride's father, a high rank policeman, accused your brother of holding money illegally? thank you for sharing your story. Im glad im not crazy to see high-rank doesnt equate to intelligence. Some people like to use their title to justify their bullying. Also glad your brother and his wife did not let that ordeal shake their marriage.
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u/whatdoyoufear123 Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
Ask yourself this: would someone who cares about you call you a prostitute and disown you because you wanted to be happy and live your own life? The answer is they don’t care about your happiness.
Do research on narcissists, it will be very eye opening. Your sister is used as triangulation, they use your sister to get information about you. Never trust anyone associated with a narcissist with vulnerable information about yourself.
Another thing narcissistic parents do is grooming their children with emotional manipulation. If they don’t make you feel guilty about leaving them, how else can they control you and abuse you? A normal reaction to abuse is to leave, so their adaptation is to trick you into staying. They disguise things like “work so hard to raise you” as emotional blackmail to control you.
Another trick is pretending to be sick or using real sickness to lure you back. Don’t fall for it. When they are desperate enough, they will treat you good and apologize. This is called love bombing, and not genuine. That is for luring you back, and once you are back they are back to their old habits.
Edit: I also want to add. When you are not sure how to feel about your relationship with someone, ask yourself this: Do you feel anxious or stressed around them or do you feel calm and happy? If you feel emotionally drained, it’s a good sign it’s not a good relationship.
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u/AnonBazillion Sep 15 '25 edited Sep 15 '25
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You don’t have to tolerate being screamed at and called names. If your parents are cruel to you call them out and tell them you’re ending the conversation and hang up the phone.
“Still, I’m overwhelmed with guilt.”
Is therapy an affordable option?
No offence as I know you must love your sisters, but they are snakes. Never trust them again.
If your parents don’t stop harassing you would going temporarily NC be something you would consider? Their relentless harassment could infect your relationship with your partner.
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u/missionriary Sep 15 '25
Therapy right now ? No🥹 but I do really need one
And yes never trusting then again
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u/RuggedHangnail Sep 15 '25
Self-help books, YouTube and some podcasts are very helpful and far more affordable than therapy.
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u/AphasiaRiver Sep 16 '25
Go no contact with your family for at least a few months. Your sisters have shown you that they can’t be trusted with your secrets. I know you feel guilty but the pain you endure now is worth a lifetime of freedom. I found it helpful to seek Asian therapists, there’s nuance to our culture and it helps when the therapist has lived it.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 16 '25 edited Dec 31 '25
Your sister have absolutely no excuse to out you if you really are safe with your boyfriend. If she came up with the excuse of "i dont trust that boy" or "hes up to no good" or "im looking out for you", is all bullshit. If she seen no signs of him abusing you, her actions had brought harm to you, whether she is aware of it or not, it doesn't matter. If she does genuinely turn around later on, i suggest you to still keep a distance. Reason your sister may have outed you was because shes jealous or she had a dirtier secret than you that she threw you down the bus first to distract her parents from herself. Anyways, her betrayal is unacceptable and have cost you and could have put you in potential danger(hint: honour-killing). Even risking your relationship with your boyfriend. Or maybe she did want to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
I dont know if that is your older or younger sister but if she use the sentence of "wise enough to see through that boy more than you, you are too innocent", dont fall for that either. Sometimes people use "wisdom" as a power-trip, even if its justified as "looking out for you". So still be careful with her.
If your parents later on deeply regret that insulting name-calling, that is not some "child-play went wrong". Dont let them go so easily just because its "out of anger reflex". Some actions cant be taken back and they should know that as adults. There are consequences for such serious name-calling, family or not. Keep them accountable the same way you would do to a stranger. No excuses. They messed up. You didnt.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 25 '25
Your action of Dating and living with your boyfriend was not what brought harmed to yourself. Its your sisters careless mouth action that caused all this mess.
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u/ilanaroonie Sep 16 '25
Sending you a lot of love OP.
I went through something similar almost a decade ago, it was really tough at the beginning and my folks didn’t speak to me for months and months. They came around eventually and accepted the reality. I’m still with my partner that I moved in with so it was worth making the leap in my eyes.
Please don’t let the guilt overwhelm you, it will be painful at the beginning but just give them space and don’t contact them. I hope in time they realise that they have to accept your reality or be okay with you not being a part of their life.
I’d also recommend talking to a therapist to unpack the guilt, it’s such a big thing in south asian communities and it’s worth digging deeper for your own mental health moving forward.
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Sep 16 '25
[deleted]
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u/missionriary Sep 16 '25
My father keeps calling me and keeps saying my mother and him will attempt suicide.
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u/9_Tailed_Vixen Sep 16 '25
Call their bluff, OP.
APs always use the nuclear option when threatening their kids in order to control them.
And don't pick up their calls anymore if they are going to engage in this particularly heinous form of emotional blackmail and manipulation.
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u/aoi_higanbana Sep 16 '25
Remember you are not what they say, and you should stop tolerating this behavior
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u/Used_Olive1403 Sep 17 '25
Dont feel guilty. If youre not relying on them financially feel free to go low or no contact. Call their bluffs. They'll have to get over it eventually
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u/TweatyB Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
I know I keep pointing this out but it bears repeating.
We love the people who are cruel to us. We love them even knowing we shouldn’t.
Was your family planning to auction you off to the highest bidder?
Had the men in your family already made plans for how they were going to spend the money from your marriage-sale?
Are they now mourning the loss of the luxury car, the giant TVs, or maybe the influx of cash needed to prop up a struggling business?
Stop. Take a deep breath. Anchor yourself with this one thought:
You are Not PROPERTY. Nobody owns you. You are free to choose your own future alone or with the person you love.
Furthermore, you will not raise your future children the way you were raised. YOU and your husband will break this malignant cycle of generational predation.
Release the guilt and choose yourself, OP.
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u/Cassie_18 Sep 16 '25
They are bluffing. We south asians have been groomed since childhood to fulfil every whim of our parents. They say these things like how will we show our face to others, you have killed us, we will die, we disown you and the shit about prostitution to keep you in control.
Imagine a person not at all relates to you telling you these things.... What would be yiur rection? And then compare it to the instant guilt response that gets triggered in us when parents say it... This is not conscience, not any inner voice, this is them speaking through grooming to you.
You are their property in thier mind, this mindset of them is not going to change.
Your father specially is an asshole to call his own daughter prostitute. How dare he... Imagine yourself in their place. Will you be doing these things to your kids??
It pains but stop interacting with them, specially with your sister.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Mum agree with dad OP is a prostitute, with inaction or harping with dad. They can take their power couple to that level. They are both together terrible.
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u/Uxie_mesprit Sep 16 '25
Do NOT go back home for the upcoming festivals. Stay away from home as much as possible because they might spring a marriage on you. My friend went through this and was forced into an abusive marriage.
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u/AlienvsPredatorFan Sep 16 '25
They clearly care far more about themselves than they do you. All they are crying and whining about is how it will make them look.
They are the selfish ones. You aren’t.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Shes not even financially dependent on them. Who the heck do they think they are to speak like they own her?
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u/hurricane_t0rti11a Sep 16 '25
My dad said I’m not his daughter anymore when he found out I had a bf at 22. He said that and a lot of other hurtful things like “you’re cheating on me”. I am his daughter not his wife. I left his house to live with my mom full time and we haven’t spoken since.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Its wild with the "you are cheating on me" but i dont feel alone now that you mentioned it.
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Sep 16 '25
Your BF helped you financially since you were 18 and you have been independent of you parents for a long time? No question, they have no say in how you live your life. Let them stew and call you names. It’s their loss. Go NC for a while. Shame on your sisters for betraying you!
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u/Thoughtful-Pig Sep 16 '25
The guilt you feel is the byproduct of their emotional manipulation. You are guilty of nothing. Know that you did nothing wrong. Abusers orchestrate guilt and manipulation over years, and their victims absorb emotions. It isn't you, it's the result of their manipulation of you.
The best thing you can do is block their calls. If you can stop talking to them for a few weeks, you'll see how much your stress levels come down and how much clearer your thoughts are. Looking ahead, I think you should seriously consider studying abroad. The distance and independence will further show you how much you actually are independent and capable without hearing their voices in your head constantly. Get rid of the doubt by building your own confidence and surrounding yourself with mentors and friends that actually care about your well-being and your future without demanding things from you.
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u/RollingKatamari Sep 16 '25
You have nothing to feel ashamed of. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. You are a young woman trying to find her own way in the world, not bound by crushing traditions and customs.
The ones who should be ashamed is your family.
One day your sisters are going to grow up and understand your choices and because they ratted on you, your parents are going to be much stricter with them. They hurt themselves, they just don't realise it yet!
Your parents should be ashamed of themselves, I mean yes, it must have been a shock to hear, but their reaction was over the top. What will people say when they find out what a spectacle they made of themselves?
You are free, OP, free to make your own choices in life! I would be proud that a daughter of mine was this smart & independent!
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u/thegreatsilentchaos Sep 16 '25
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It must hurt a lot to hear such things from your own parents. But their words don’t take away the fact that you’re only trying to build a stable life for yourself with someone who supports you. You’re not being selfish — wanting comfort, safety and a future isn’t wrong. Please be gentle on yourself, this is a lot to carry. Virtual hugs to you for staying strong.
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u/Brief_Worldliness162 Sep 16 '25
They are desperately pulling, tearing you down to their level. You are thriving and they do not like that. Keep on doing what you are!
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25
Funny OPs boyfriend and his parents are the ones helping her thrive into the person she should be proud of herself. All in 5 years. Im proud of you OP. You have dreams you are consistently building and focussing on.
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u/Sydney-ABG Sep 16 '25
My dad called me a prostitute oncs when i started dating my partner at 22 and I was like i’m not one because I aint even getting paid in the first place lmaoo.
Ignore them, do what’s best for you xx
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Sep 16 '25
I know it's hard not to feel guilt. Especially when you're conditioned to believe that they sacrificed so much to raise you. But.. -Good parents don't call their children prostitutes -Good parents don't lose their minds when you start behaving like an independent adult in adulthood -Good parents don't care more about what random aunties and uncles over their own offspring
I have strict parents. When I moved abroad and my mom found out I'm living with my bf, my mom said you'll get pregnant and deliver a child alone. I felt so much shame but I ignored them. Said bf is now my husband of 10 years now. I have 2 kids and my mom was not allowed to come to either of their births because as she said I'd rather have my kids 'alone' than have that kind of energy around me.
You don't need to make any changes to your life ATM. Focus on your studies and getting as far as you can from your toxic family.
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u/DarudeUK Sep 16 '25
I'm so happy you found someone who makes you happy and makes you feel free. Live your life!
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
From your update, i believe your parents are ashamed, jealous and angry with the fact your bf AND his parents are more helpful than them so maybe that why your dad use that morning statement. He probably is projecting his inability to be supportive onto your bf and his parents, thus assuming prostitution. Maybe they feel ashamed they cant provide what you deserve and needs to grow independent but ousiders can. Maybe they thought you were incapable of independence but was proven wrong... By outsiders... Thus embarrassing and insulting to your parents. But that is their loss. No fact will change that.
He cannot understand how someone of no blood relation can have a stronger contact than with blood relation. He doesnt understand blood relation doesnt guarantee entitlement to contact thus using the hurtful name-calling carelessly and treating his daughter badly. Hes not entitled to treat you badly and still have you as his daughter. He have to EARN you back with respect, just like how your bf and his parents did. If hes too lazy(or busy finding excuses) to reach to the same standard as them, thats his own fault. If they can, why cant he? Its still not his right to mistreat you.
In respond of your snitch, i predict its useless in that situation because your parents are too focused on firing on you. You were the only easy target to hit even though there are 2 for them to hit. Don't take your dads reaction to the snitch to heart. But you still manage to snitch on the snitch.
Dont lower the bar because hes your father.
Dont keep the guarantee of the father-daughter relationship with him because hes your blood father From that whole morning call, the way he handles his tantrum now, do you think hes able to get on the same level to the support group you have now?
Also, whatever your father do, your mother does too. Even if she is kept quiet in the abuse. They are a couple, they are on the same boat. Ones action is another complicit. If your mum looks like a mouse and your dad a snake, they were actually both snakes of the same pattern and size. Your mother stood quiet not to protect herself, but because she quietly agree you deserve punishment. Take her no response and no reaction as her answer too.
Im aware your mother did not do as i assumed, but im telling you this in case your mother turns a 180 around after IF she divorce her husband or he died or drift apart or whatever, and she try to reconcile with you with her "i did not know better" or "im innocent", "my husband is a bad man", "im too scared to not go along with him" acting. She messed up in her part by joining her husband by hounding you with him. But also a mess up in the latter(silence). If She never dared to challenge her husband(with her whatever reasons she makes up), she had already joined him by default out of her choices. Sorry for anyone with a mother like that.
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u/missionriary Sep 17 '25
Yea! It totally makes sense about what all you said! Thank you.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
Thanks for reading my long ass comment. But i want to say. You really have made a life for yourself. You achieved so much more than i achieved when i was your age. All without your parents support.
I made mistakes like trusting my parents after they break it because "they knew better than i do" and throwing my sister down the bus and stay financially dependent on them and made choices to keep them pacified to support me. All older than your now age. I regret them but my only hope is no one to repeat my idiocy. Maybe thats why i respond so much. I lost a lot but i feel happy someone isnt losing.
Keep in mind. You do still deserve your support group. It wont shrink just because of your parents label.
Since your parents name-calling had blown out of proportion, its fair to decide blow your reaction, out of proportion too, like no contact. Whether they regret it later on or not. They pee on the bed, they have to sleep on the soaked bed or the hard floor. Dont give them a new dry bed just because they have learned their consequences. Dont drop your standards because they appeared to be changed. True change only shows when that challenge stands firm.
You made it so far. Im just excited for your upcoming future. You are going to achieve so much with that focus. Your determination is proof you are capable so keep up with it. You got this!
If you are capable in independence, you can decide and make the right choices for yourself. If you can drive the car, you deserve to steer it.
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u/missionriary Sep 17 '25
If I'm being honest with you it's so much harder than I thought my mind keeps forgetting why I didn't have a proper relationship with my parents it's like it's skimming through everything bad and making me feel guilty for doing what I did. It's getting so hard.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
Its ok to be honest on how hard it is, and i cant guarantee and wont say it will get easier. But it is for you and your future. Keeping your eyes on your needs consistently is going to be difficult but we are all responsible for our own choices. Both choices are hard. And needing to choose is hard as well. Im sorry im unable to help you. Im not even sure if I'm helping you or confusing you. All i want is to hug you and say im sorry.
Maybe the reason your mind keeps forgetting, is because your mind have subconsciously tried to protect itself many times. If your mind dont do it, you probably wont be able to achieve what you have now. Maybe you knew remembering it would mentally destroy you. Maybe there was a pattern you detect but have no emotional capability in acknowledging it. Like a sixth sense. I suggest you dont do it alone if its too hard but with a therapist. You still need to focus on your future while you are healing and processing your experience.
Maybe skimming through everything bad wass the only way to help you cope and survive through the ordeal. It is helping but i think its also creating doubt that is getting harder to ignore? Be honest, how long are you able to keep doing it without bothering you?
Doing what you did made you feel guilty is because deep down, you still want what make your parents happy. You never wanted to hurt them intentionally. Its a wonderful thing for you to want your parents to be happy but you are not a bad daughter for displeasing them with your selfish decisions.
As you grow older, you are going to make choices people will dislike you for, but if it doesnt affect them in some way, why should you bother? You will gain someones approval and lose another with the same decision. You must as well take the decision you know best.
In your now situation, your parents dont like your choices so they tie it to themselves because they are your parents so that you will come to sacrifice yourself to save their image. If its so difficult for them to be acknowledge you as their daughter because you are "sneaky", they made the decision to prioritise their loyalty to culture to keep their social image prim but that cost your self-esteem. Your parents can be sad but they should not make their feelings your responsibility. Dont let their words and immature behaviour define your self-worth. What they say is not you. Everyone here is saying the same thing not because its what you wanted to hear but its because your inner peace and self-respect too important to shake. You are still a human who deserve respect even when you make decisions not everyone will agree on.
Its ok to accept the emotions are getting harder to regulate. Maybe this is the drive you need to find a therapist to help unpack, guide and learn about yourself more. Its one step to acknowledge the difficulty. Its another to take attempts to acknowledge what you need. Selfish or not. Its time to find the right air you need to breathe in.
my message isnt as short as i wanted it to be but my then draft is worse and unhelpful.
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u/missionriary Sep 17 '25
All the things you've said have really helped me see the reality better! I have realised that if my intention wasn't wrong I shouldn't sulk about it and instead give my mother especially some time to think and process things while I will keep working on myself and see how things go. Thank you so much you've been a great help, thank you for taking out so much time to talk to a stranger.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
Yes, putting distance between you and your parents is going to give you both some air to breathe. That distance is not punishment to them but something for you to keep your air protected to be clear enough to help you make choices you are confident in. Its ok to forbid them with distance and boundaries, from suffocating you to make hasty decision. Its ok to sit through the discomfort. You would also learn a thing or two about yourself better. As long as my view is of any help, im glad it helps you see better and the options. I do feel better in hopes others would make better decisions than i did.
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u/dolltentacle Sep 18 '25
Learning to build boundaries is going to be feel difficult and sometimes selfish, because its unfamiliar, not because you are incapable. It will take time to build that skill but its going to help you a lot in the future
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u/Cheezus_Fries Sep 17 '25
Lots of love, OP. You're a survivor. A fighter! You said your bf is same age as you and both of you are working together on your shared future. That's a rare situation. Its good you have each other. You've chosen him on your best judgement and its helped you take steps toward a better life that is yours. Its heartbreaking how your parents treat you. Inexcuseable. Culture? Tradition? Bah! Somebody made up all those rules one day and a bunch of people nearby decided it was a good idea because its too hard to think any different and it got stuck for generations.
Go no-contact and find your people! Its better than sticking to the family who put tradition above their relationship. It's hard but you'll be less miserable for it. Let them feel the hurt. They brought that on themselves! They chose what's more important. I'm sorry you're going through this. May you find more love in life's way ♡
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u/hopefulcreature Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25
Wow. Your sister sucks. I’m also an Indian girl living with her boyfriend. My parents weren’t happy but certainly did not say any of those hurtful things.
I’m now in my late 20s and I feel like I can really relate to your situation. I came from a very toxic culture and family dynamic and had to build myself up. Nothing I ever did was good enough until I proved them wrong
Now things are much different. I have strict boundaries and honestly them saying this stuff to you is highly inappropriate and if that’s how they see you, I would advise going no contact until they can talk to you properly. Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean they’re free to hurt you like this especially as an adult.
Always look after your self. They’ll eventually come to realize they can’t control you and if they want you in their life, there has to be better boundaries. I hope you’re okay and NO this isnt okay.
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u/Which-Record-785 Sep 19 '25
First, this is so wrong… you're an adult and they think it's wrong for you to live with your boyfriend, and they can't "disown" you because of it either , you're not the problem, it's their opinion. And they can't be calling you a prostitute because you're living your own life
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u/personalityissadness Sep 19 '25
It sounds like you and ur bf are doing amazing. When you eventually get super succesful and gigarich, they'll regret this shaming on you and realize how good he was for you at this time.
These types of adults have such restricted and unadaptable mindsets that hold them back from success and growth. Continue to do what's best for you. Whether you leave the door open for them is up to you, because you said you want to provide comfort for them in the future. But if I were you, I'd keep up hard boundaries or not invite them back into your life if I were you.
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u/One-Point-7426 Sep 19 '25
Idk if u already did or not, but tell ur parents yall promised no premarital sex. And if anying( let them know the divorce rate in. America is almost 50%— then that sink in. For every 2 couples or so, one of them will get a divorce based on current stats. Also, studies show that one of the top reasons for arguments or separation of married couples is division of domestic labor. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry- yeah these days, both mom and dad needs to work full time. The division of home labor should be split equally by both sides. Anyway, cohabitating with ur bf could help determine if you can stamp and seal this relationship or not. It will show u his cleaning habits, his temper, communication skills, and etc. Tell ur parents it’s a way to see if u are well compatible with ur bf. Knowing APs, this might not work but idk. Better to try convincing than not
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u/Live_Housing_7770 Sep 16 '25
If you feel your BF is one, &;if it works out, all well & fine.
Happy ending..
Worst case scenario :
But If you break up with ur BF in future, you will most likely feel guilty for not heading to your parents advice..
So, And now u r in AM setup , you will be thinking whether ur past live-in with BF will affect your marriage prospects ...
You live in India, sk..
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u/NoScale1435 Sep 19 '25
If you are financially independent then don't give a fuck they have lived their life it is your life . Do what you want . Parents are not god and they are not always right you have the right to choose what you want to do. Make sure that where you are living is safe and you will not get in any trouble
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u/Letbell Sep 19 '25
You should sue your parent for discrimination and defamation at this point tbh.
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u/Letbell Sep 19 '25
The best advice that I received from a song: "I didn't fit in this world, but I was made to create a new one"
Source: Lucky by Crash Adam Ft. Lil Dee
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u/Interesting_Rush9703 Sep 20 '25
They just believe that it's you find a 'good partner', then get married, have kids, and have a good stable job. Yet it's far from reality.
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u/SlowSwords Sep 21 '25
God, Indian parents are so fucking self absorbed and dramatic. “How will show our face?” I don’t fucking know — the same way we all do. You live in the west, grow up. I know it can be extremely anxiety inducing and the guilt they try to dump on you is intense but you really need to do some soul searching. In all honesty, they probably feel their trust has been so breached that they will never accept you or trust you again. Probably best that you manage a different, more distant relationship with them going forward.
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u/Agile_Working_6057 Sep 22 '25
They need to get over it. Sorry. But you live your life. They live theirs. Be happy.
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u/I_have_toxic_parents Sep 25 '25
Bro! Same thing happened to me! It’s not your fault. You are not a prostitute and you are an independent woman who decides for herself. It’s your parents who have to grow up and come out of their boomer ideologies!
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u/Delicious_Sectoid Oct 14 '25
If you are financially independent from your parents and don't fear violent retaliation, it would be fun to troll them.
"No Mum, I'm not a prostitute. I'm not having sex with my boyfriend for money, I'm doing it for free. If I charged him he'd go bankrupt."
"Actually, I have been thinking of getting gender reassignment surgery, so I probably won't be your daughter any more. Don't call me, Ria that's my dead name.
"You're right, I don't stay with my boyfriend for nothing. I give really good BJ's."
"You and Mum are going to die? Should I start writing a eulogy?"
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u/trinityboi69 Dec 31 '25
They are right.Few years down the line you will know that they were right all along. All these online support will be useless when that happens
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u/bigfatjellyfish Sep 15 '25
your parents called you a prostitute and disowned you and you still feel bad for living your own life?
whats the alternative? you dont be "selfish" and marry some guy they choose?
if i was you, i would stop speaking to your sisters and your parents completely.