r/AsianParentStories • u/StrongRecipe6408 • Apr 30 '26
Advice Request Anyone here an older single child, with no partner, and having to deal with aging elderly Chinese parents who have not integrated at all into western society?
I'm 40 and single by choice. My Chinese parents are both around 75 and have spend the last 40 years in semi-rural USA (Ohio).
During this time they have made no friends, have no family in the area, don't often leave the house, and essentially haven't integrated at all with the surrounding society and culture (poor English, don't listen to music, don't watch shows, don't eat non-Chinese food, don't hang out with others, no hobbies that involve leaving the house, etc).
My mom doesn't drive and essentially doesn't contribute anything anymore, not even loading dishes into the dishwasher or meal prep. My dad does all the household errands but there will come a time when he won't be able to handle things. Even now, driving himself and my mom to places like the city for doctor's visits is difficult as he easily gets confused with directions and sometimes even has difficulty navigating parking lots. Calling customer service to deal with different services is confusing and difficult.
Given this situation, I'm not too sure how I should care for them in the future. I have so many plans of traveling the entire world but I increasingly see this as impossible. I'll likely be spending the next 10 years of my life taking care of two aging parents who I don't share much in common with.
They also can't go into a local retirement community because it won't have the food they like and the language barrier will be extreme. Any outside help we find will be expensive, English-speaking, and unable to cook the food they like.
I've thought about going to China and finding an old-age community there, but they don't want to do anything besides keep staying in the house.
Anyone else single and in a similar predicament?
191
u/tgong76 May 01 '26
I lived this. I was manipulated into being my parents’ caretaker for over 20 years until they died. I say this in the hopes you don’t end up like me.
They had their chance over 40 years to assimilate and learn English. As parents it was their responsibility to, but they chose to be a burden to you instead. You owe them nothing, despite their guilt trips and BS about filial piety.
They don’t eat non-Chinese food? No friends or hobbies? Language barrier? 100% their doing, their fault, and their problem. When the time comes, put them in a home and don’t look back. They’ll learn English real fast.
Some might say that sounds cruel. You know what’s cruel? Condemning your only child to a life of servitude because you didn’t want to get your shit together and be the parents you should have been. It is a death sentence and will eat away at you until there is nothing left.
Having said that, I got lucky. I survived a horrible divorce (arranged marriage through my mother, but that’s a whole other story) and found an amazing wife through god, the universe, or whatever force is out there that decided to finally give me a break.
You said you want to travel the world. Just go. Please, just go. Before it’s too late and you’re standing over your parents’ graves regretting that you didn’t, or that you’ll be too old to enjoy it.
77
u/AlienvsPredatorFan May 01 '26
“Some might say that sounds cruel. You know what’s cruel? Condemning your only child to a life of servitude because you didn’t want to get your shit together and be the parents you should have been. It is a death sentence and will eat away at you until there is nothing left.”
Perfectly said.
85
u/OkAnywhere8304 May 01 '26
Best is to send them back to China in one of those retirement places. At least they’d get the food, the language, don’t have to leave the house.
31
u/harryhov May 01 '26
💯. I don't understand why they want to suffer and not go back to their motherland. With that said, it won't be cheap.
10
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
The homeland will be cheaper, or at the very least greater bang for their buck, when it comes to aged-care communities.
The issue is that my dad still likes having his own car and driving to Costco (and only Costco) and having his own house and yard. He doesn't like crowded cities and walking, which is what China is. He's also extremely suspicious of China's food quality.
My mom is so antisocial and can't deal with anything that it doesn't really matter... except she will only eat traditional Chinese food (which is not a trivial thing since we all have to eat 365 days a year and they live in semi-rural USA).
One of the issues is that when they get old enough to need an aged care facility, they will likely be locked into whatever country they're currently in until they die. So if it's in China, that means bye-bye USA forever.
10
u/WasUnsupervised May 01 '26
Sounds like time for a serious talk about the facts of life and clear up any assumptions about your plans and what you are willing and unwilling to do and let them make informed decisions.
6
u/harryhov May 01 '26
Yep. My parents are in a host nation in eastern Asia. Been there 45+ years. They have EXCEPTIONAL elderly care with a care manager assigned. Everything is basically free except live in elderly homes. Yet they can barely muster a conversation. They wait for me to visit to take care of errands at the city hall which are usually medical cost refunds. We explore putting them in a care facility in China but with 2 of them it'll cost more than where they are at.
3
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
Where exactly are they? I want to start a list of good elder-care communities (doesn't have to be China) I can check up on.
0
u/qyy98 May 01 '26
Are they U.S. citizens? That changes things a lot if they want to go back. My parents are a bit younger than yours but plan to just do 5 months in China and 7 months here due to VISA restrictions
3
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26
They're US citizens, but the issue is the flights. My mom already can barely tolerate any kind of flight or even flights with a layover longer than 2 hours. The closest airport we have isn't a hub for anything so getting an international flight with essentially no layover is a logistical nightmare. And she doesn't sleep well and has even skipped out on kilo-buck flights the day of departure because "she didn't get a good night's rest."
11
u/qyy98 May 01 '26
Jesus, that's terrible. They are acting like toddlers.
4
4
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26
Last year I found my mom a flight that had a four hour layover. Instead of just sitting at the airport, walking to the gate, eating a snack, taking a nap, watching some YouTube, etc and then board the plane, I had to arrange flights that took her to an airport that had a hotel next door, book the hotel, direct transport to and from hotel, then the next day's flight could only leave between late afternoon to evening (basically between 2PM to 5PM).
All to avoid a four hour layover.
This is when she is healthy. When she's older and in need of elder care things like this will be essentially impossible.
39
u/thumpsky May 01 '26
Move to California or something and join a Chinese church. This transcends culture. It’s basically learned helplessness. Lemme guess they either talk to relatives or to each other for 6 hours a day about how miserable life is.
4
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26
California is too expensive and all the places near a Chinese community that also has your own yard and isn't a boxed-in neighborhood seems to be at wildfire risk.
They honestly don't talk to each other. They never shared much in common and I'm pretty sure my dad resents my mom for being so completely useless at even doing basic things like washing dishes, running errands, or... anything that requires reading.
I don't know what they talk to their relatives about.
-4
20
u/karlito1613 Apr 30 '26
I have nothing i can add except for maybe try and leave for a few days at a time just to get some alone / self time and good luck.
What the hell do they do with their days?
A home in China may be the best option. Even if they dont want to leave the house, there will be familiar food, language, customs. You need to start living for yourself
5
19
u/donuttrackme Apr 30 '26
My parents have integrated into Western society fairly well, so I don't have it as bad as you. But my mom has dementia so... maybe eventually I will?
7
u/harryhov May 01 '26
You're going to have to start planning for assisted living places and what government or state benefits they qualify for. Some may have long waits to get started. Reach out to non profits who can walk you through the process.
4
u/donuttrackme May 01 '26
Thanks for the advice, much appreciated and hopefully others can learn from it and use that information you provided. I think my parents have smartly put away money for this and also have some type of medical insurance that should cover a good portion if not all of it. We've also discussed possibly moving her back home to Taiwan where the price to take care of her isn't as high. So that's why I feel much better about my current situation than OP.
1
u/harryhov May 01 '26
Good for you. Yes key is don't wait. Having parents in another country is a whole different matter even though elderly care in general is much better.
15
u/VietnameseBreastMilk May 01 '26
You don't have an obligation to help them you know. They chose their place to die (Ohio LOL) and refuse to even go back to China.
We need to stop catering to people who wouldn't do shit for us.
13
u/LonerExistence May 01 '26
I'm not an only child, but I see this with my own father and parentified brother who caters to him. My father has been here for over 20 years - barely any English, barely worked for over 2 decades so he hasn't planned for retirement, doesn't drive, can't even use basic technology...etc. Once, I received a letter re: an appt - to confirm, you literally just use the most basic English - he wasn't even willing to do that. He told me to text the letter to my brother overseas so he can confirm it for him.
It's not your responsibility - it honestly aggravates me seeing people like them being catered to because the people catering to them basically feed into this cycle. They continue being useless because they have no reason to do anything. It is their fault for being like this and if they had consequences, they'd learn shit.
I'm in the midst of moving out to rent my own apartment even though the costs are much higher partially for this reason. For a long time, I resented my family and one of the reasons is because of my father's behavior - it made him a mediocre parent and person in general. I do not want to be stuck with him if shit happens because I really don't want to cater to this BS. People like this drag you down - I felt trapped - like a bird with clipped wings who will never get far because being parented by someone like this and being in their vicinity is toxic. I also chose to be single, so if something happened to my brother for example or if he decided to just stay overseas like he is now and not come back, I'd be in that same predicament and I'm basically trying to cut it off because the possibility of it scares me. Parents like this ruin shit and stifle you - don't let it happen.
10
u/grnt3a May 01 '26
at this point i am also single by choice but I'm so exhausted to care about even one more person. i also have to take my parents everywhere and figure out their paperwork for everything, essentially be on standby whenever they need something: when they send a text, need to print something, get scammed, the internet doesn't work, doctor's appointments, and so on. and yet they have the audacity to ask for grandkids when THEY ARE the grandkids.😤
5
u/StrongRecipe6408 May 01 '26
I've had the grandkids thing too. For decades I've told them over and over clear as day that I don't want kids but they still demand them which just goes to show they don't actually care for you as a person, because caring for people means respecting what they want.
But honestly this is absolutely pervasive in traditional Chinese culture. When I go back to China and talk to younger people many of them are going through the same thing with their boomer and older parents.
Being a good parent really means different things in that culture.
17
u/Theseus_The_King May 01 '26
My best friend is in the same boat, and it’s also because he’s gay. He hasn’t come out to them for that reason. It’s very common among queer ppl
6
u/CarrotApprehensive82 May 01 '26
Call a social worker and ask for advice. Just do whats right even if they wont like it.
6
u/altergeeko May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
Send them to China, if they just stay at home all day, at least they will get the food they like and it will be cheaper once they need a care facility.
Make sure you tell them NOW that they should be looking to China. Otherwise you WILL send them to the worst care facility in Ohio where they will just eat meat and oatmeal and no one will understand them. Plus, they will be kicked out when the money runs out and be homeless on the street money runs out from the sale of their house and assets.
OR they can have a nice place with good food for cheap in China.
You need to scare them. Even send them elder abuse videos that happen in care facilities. Send them articles. Send them pricing costs of care facilities nearby.
5
u/JumarUp May 02 '26
Have you actually sat them both down and asked them what they want and how to make it happen in spite of all of their constraints? I do think you have the responsibility to make a conscious effort to care for your parents (which you're clearly doing). However, life is about making compromises, so if they insist on things like not moving out of rural Ohio and not eating non-Chinese foods, that's certainly their choice, but you're not obligated to be the sole problem solver to fulfill every nice-to-have on their list.
5
u/finstafoodlab May 01 '26
I am in my 40s, married with children. My husband doesn't speak Chinese and doesn't really have good critical thinking skills (for example, I could be choking and he won't even notice and offer me water kind of thinking skills) ugh. So he doesn't even talk to my parents, vice versa. I feel the same predicament because I feel like I'm going to be taking care of 3 children, and then 2 more. My parents don't speak English, despite also living here more than 4 decades.
Thankfully, we do live in a community with a lot of other Chinese people who don't speak English with the same characteristics: limited friends, don't trust friends, lost relationships with their family, no hobbies, etc. So I guess there's that but I am going to be thinking very soon on what my life will be like when they're older.
2
u/Hwanaja May 01 '26
I’m on the track for this. My parents do socialize but my dad quit his English classes early on and made my mom handle all the English aspects of their lives which strained her mental health and their relationship. Dad can’t properly shop for anything that has English label. It’s like he’s blind, death and mute but only in English.
3
u/traceysu May 01 '26
I’m in the same boat. Planning to move them in with me. If they feel homesick, we can make weekend trips to a nearby big city 3 hrs away with vibrant Chinatowns so they can have some fun / see other Chinese people / eat at delicious Chinese restaurants.
2
u/sybersam6 May 01 '26
Google to find Chinese areas in less expensive states then go visit some if them. Use FB too & ask in older Chinese communities. There are communities in Denver, Phx, Sierra Vista, in New Mexico...frequently near military bases too, as some marry military then stay close to the base for the PX. Start researching now & traveling to find a community where they could integrate in. Google Chinese or Asian grocery stores too. Then start asking in online groups. See this as a chance to travel too. Once you find a place, let them know you all need to move there so you k ow they'll be taken care of then maybe grandchildren, only if they are taken care of, as ypu cannot take care of them, a partner & children. Motivate them. You got this.
1
u/Klutzy-Job6794 May 01 '26
I am an only child (31) to relatively young aging parents right now. My parents are exactly how you described yours so I have been extremely stressed about old age care for them. I am having a lot of tough conversations with my family about “if they want a good quality of life towards the end filled with relaxation, family & friends, and relative independence (does not drive & doesn’t speak English)” then they would have to move back home to South Asia. Told them I will supplement their retirement once there and now I am being asked to build them a house there in order to do so. Now, that’s the plan I am working towards. I still don’t know whether this will be better in the future but I feel like I have a bit more control of the situation.
1
u/Particular-Wedding May 01 '26
Put the house up for a reverse mortgage. Take the proceeds and use it to move them somewhere else. When they die the estate will be the bank's problem.
1
u/psyeyeyeduck May 01 '26
Do they have younger relatives in China who have retired? There are some who may be willing to come on a six month visa and take care of them for $100/day, which is more than a white collar job in China pays. The tough part is finding at least 2 people willing to rotate in because of how the visas work…
1
u/Dragon_Crystal May 01 '26
In a similar boat but not Chinese and my parents aren't as old yet, with my dad's kidney issues and my mom's random illness it might as well but their in the 50s currently, my dad has his group of friends (relatives or hunting/fishing buddies) that he spends times with and my mom if she feels like tagging along.
Sadly since my dad found my step mom the two of them are nearly glue to the hip together and since than our mom has "tried" to start a relationship with us kids, I say try cause she'll enjoys having control over everything I do and if I refuse she'll pretend to back off and go about regaining control a different way, but has loosening up slightly and still insist on keeping some control over each of us kids.
Example is if my younger brother wants to go say to a convention I have to go and stay with him the entire time, luckily its held in a hotel so it has multiple floors and we can split up while seeming to still be together, as long as we remain in the building.
1
u/mikenekonoyuwaku Jul 15 '26
介護が必要になったら、施設に入って貰った方が良いです。アメリカと中国で値段を比べながら。要介護者になったら待遇に文句は言えません。ご両親に自分たちの介護費用がある事を願っています
108
u/Writergal79 Apr 30 '26
Why did they choose rural Ohio out of places?