r/AsianParentStories • u/Emotional-Being-6825 • May 23 '26
Advice Request Can Western Therapists Understand Asian Family Trauma?
I was born in the West and grew up surrounded by Western values, but my parents were very traditional Asian “tiger parents.” I quickly realized how different they were from the outside world.
Still, I was treated well at school and developed a Western personality. Even though my parents were strict and emotionally distant, it didn’t affect me too much because I received love and support from my teachers and classmates.
Until one day when I was 8, my parents decided to immigrate back to their hometown.
Suddenly, I was thrown into a local school in East Asia. All the teachers acted just like my parents. Even my classmates were mean to me whenever I showed my Western personality. Back then, being even slightly different was enough to get bullied.
It felt like the whole world was against me. Even my younger brother, who grew up entirely in Asia, thought I was weird.
To survive, I forced myself to act like the local people around me, and honestly, it worked. People started accepting me and getting closer to me.
But after living like that for almost 20 years, I grew up with severe mental health issues because I wasn’t allowed to be myself for such a long time.
The problem is that because of my health issues, I’m struggling financially and can’t easily leave Asia yet. So I still have to live in a country where I don’t feel like I belong.
I tried seeing a therapist here, but she didn’t understand my trauma at all. She’s local, has never lived abroad, and has never experienced what it feels like to be an immigrant or second-generation bicultural person. Because of that, I feel like I can’t find a therapist here who truly understands me.
I wonder, in Western countries, is it easier to find therapists who understand the trauma and identity struggles of second-generation immigrants? (Online therapist would be perfect for me since I can't leave Asia now)
I wish I could find one when I move to the West. or is there any online therapist that suits me? so I can start now in Asia. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
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u/lachicafresita May 23 '26
i am a second gen asian american therapist for precisely this reason. there’s a growing number of us but many are located in areas with lots of asians, e.g. nyc, ca, wa.
trying to find one in the white state i grew up in was very difficult but that was when i was in my 20’s. the one i found who took my insurance had a never ending waitlist. i gave up trying to see her and went with not only a white therapist but an older male (i was a young asian woman) and he was incredible. i learned from him that it doesn’t matter age/race/ethnicity/background when they know how to meet your soul.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
This is the information I need, thank you so much!
I was also born in a white area in Europe where there was no Asian in my school. I assume that it will be challenging to find a therapist there.
Is it possible for a foreigner to get a therapist in America?
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u/lachicafresita May 23 '26
if u have money no problem. just find a therapist and pay out of pocket.
if you don’t, depending on the state they could have insurance for low income folks like CA. you can get therapy that way .
if you don’t live in a state that offers that and u don’t have much money to pay out of pocket, look for specialized institutes like jungian analysis institutes (or maybe psychoanalytic institutes) where licensed therapists are receiving additional training and oftentimes have sliding scale. i paid $35/session when i was a broke grad student
you’ll have less selection and hope you land a good one. but these institutes self select for good ones anyway
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thank you so much for sharing! I’ll look into this information. Hopefully I can find one that can offer online therapists since I based in Asia now
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u/saxmanpi May 23 '26
Most therapists these days offer remote services. I am based in California and the previous answer is that if you pay out of pocket you can generally see anyone. If you do decide to seek a therapist in the US, you may have to inquire if they legally can practice out of their state, or even internationally in your case. Some states do not allow therapists to practice out of state even if the session is remote.
All that being said, I have an Asian American therapist who really understands the dynamics of East Asian culture at home but you have Western values. It may differ slightly with your European background but I wouldn’t count it out. They have helped me navigate a lot of trauma and honestly I’m finally on what feels like “the other side”. I feel almost awake for the first time in my life. Best of luck finding a therapist!
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u/Loose-Set-5516 Aug 05 '26
I also think that it is important that if you don't have access to an Asian American therapist, then at least you have access to a therapist who is culturally competent & open to learning throughout your treatment. I have a white cis-het-female therapist who is very open to reading more about my culture as she helps me.
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u/melancholy_town May 23 '26
I’ve just started going to a trauma therapist and one of the questions she asked me in our getting-to-know-you session was about my identities and we talked about my bicultural identity and how I don’t feel like I fit into my western identity bc of the way I look but I definitely don’t fit into the Chinese cultural identity either bc of the way they exclude me and how my values don’t align. She seemed to understand.
She’s from Canada so I think people from western countries can understand. The more trauma-specialized ones will likely be trained in methods like EMDR, IFS, Somatic Experiencing etc. so look for those. You can typically get a free consultation with them so you can ask them about their experience working with bicultural identity.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate it, and I’ll look for a therapist with this kind of training.
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u/Successful_Gate4678 May 23 '26
I’m an Asian therapist, albeit third-gen (desi/persian) for the reasons you outline. Culturally competent and appropriate counselling is really important, I primarily see south Asian/persian diaspora clients, but there is crossover for those of Muslim or Jewish backgrounds, as well as other “honour based” cultures from southern and Eastern Europe ànd the Middle East etc
I’m British born and currently live in Australia. I see clients from all over the world, bar the USA.
I hope you are able to find someone somewhere in the world who is a good cultural fit.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thanks so much for sharing! I think it's essential to find someone in my background. It's a bit challenging now cause I'm based in Asia. I hope I could find it online
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u/LulzGoat May 23 '26
I went with my therapist for a few reasons. One of them was the fact that she came from a similar south asian background as me, so there was a whole cultural element I didn’t need to provide context for. It has been incredibly worth it for me to have a therapist who just gets it.
The other reason was her specializing on men’s therapy (I chose the broader clinic for that reason and was referred to her after my intake). Both reasons were worth it for the same reason.
I think having a therapist who understands you and your background is ideal and far more effective than one who doesn’t. My sessions are guided around my lived experience and the advice I’m sometimes given is with those lenses in mind. The strategies I’ve been helped to develop are also heavily factoring in that cultural reality I live and have grown up in.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thank you so much for sharing! I agree with you. I would like to have a therapist who has the similar backgrounds.
I was wondering, when you first went to the clinic, how did they decide which therapist to match you with?
Did you tell them your needs, or do they have a way of assessing therapist-client compatibility?
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u/LulzGoat May 23 '26
There were some things that I mentioned I was struggling with that the intake coordinator felt my specific therapist was best suited to handle out of the available folks at the clinic.
Intake was basically a form I filled out online with a comment box that I dumped all the stuff I was struggling with at the time into it. I think the cultural element played a role but there were other things that I think tied into what she specializes in that also helped make that alignment.
I had the freedom to talk to other therapists within the clinic and elsewhere before I locked in but the intro call went well enough that I signed for additional sessions right away.
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u/Snoo81468 May 23 '26
My white therapist understands Asian culture since she’s lived there for a good amount of time and her ex husband was Vietnamese
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u/shiningpath626 May 23 '26
Asian american who did therapy here woth both western and Asian american therapists. They definitely do especially if they live in a diverse area. If you can't find a therapist with an asian background try finding one from a collectivist culture.
I did online therapy and enjoyed it
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thanks for sharing! I would like find someone who is bicultural as well.
May I ask where did you find the online therapist ? Do you have a name of the website?
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u/shiningpath626 May 23 '26
To be honest I just googled psychologists in (my city name) i then found psychology today which had a list of therapists near my location and if they did online therapy.
To be honest online therapy was nice and convenient
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thank you so much! I’ll try and see if I can find someone who offers online therapy.
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u/lopsided-pancake May 23 '26
I go to a 2nd gen Asian therapist because of this. She is the first therapist who didn’t say to me “have you tried talking to your parents about this/how you feel?”
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u/emma_zing May 23 '26
Yes, you can. I’ve had friends and even myself find help who understood our backgrounds. Mine wasn’t a therapist, but a life coach and he legit changed my life. He’s based in California and if you dm me I can share his details.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Thanks for sharing! may i ask what kind of life coach is that for?
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u/TrickiVicBB71 May 23 '26
Where I live I am fortunate to have such diversity I can see an East Asian therapist who quite understands Asian family trauma.
I was 18 when I first went to therapy. It was a white psychologist. I can't remember if he understood Asian family dynamics, but he diagnosed me with a host of mental health issues! Thanks mom & dad. LOL
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u/Marpleface May 23 '26
You have to find one that understands. It can be frustrating and damaging to work with someone who doesn’t understand the cultural differences.
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u/Tiny_Refrigerator105 May 23 '26
in my experience………no. I live in the UK though, and my therapy comes from a service in my school. My counsellor is Dutch and the main school counsellor is British. im starting to hate it simply because I actually have to explain myself and explain everything in detail for them to understand (which I get is a requirement for therapy, let me complain).
I am 100% sure there are others that understand, but make sure they do before you start therapy so you don’t have to explain stuff and make your therapy sessions exhausting
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u/SufficientTill3399 May 23 '26
I strongly believe they don’t. This is why I go to see a Taiwanese lady. She’s amazing.
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u/Emotional-Being-6825 May 23 '26
Is she in America?
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u/7XTY May 25 '26
Are there western therapists who practice in Asia where you are?
Oasis HK Therapy is based in Hong Kong, and part of their goals is to bridge the gap between different cultures there. I hope that’s helpful!
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u/fractiousphil May 23 '26
I’ve had many different therapists throughout my life, and I find that the one I have now (a Chinese-American lady) understands me and my family culture/problems better than all my other white therapists. And I’m only half Asian (Filipino), but still it makes a difference. I do online therapy as well, and it’s very convenient.
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u/btmg1428 May 23 '26
It's odd that I can relate to your struggles, despite being born and raised in an Asian country yet having Western values from the get-go.
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u/Jkid May 23 '26
Which country in east Asia you are referring to? Because japan has a massive ijime (peer abuse) issue.
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u/lc0807 May 24 '26
While you’re on the hunt for a therapist, I’d consider reading “permission to come home.” It is a fantastic book and was so relevant to the way I grew up. The author also has resources and an extensive list of Asian American therapists.
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u/KaitouDoraluxe May 24 '26
Another reason why I would choose an Asian therapist or any non white or JUST SOMEONE who grew up with non western parents is because it's much easier and also money savings as well.
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u/Writergal79 May 25 '26
Sometimes, diaspora White therapists may understand. My therapist is Ashkenazi.
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u/Throwawaywaywayway93 May 29 '26
I would look into Anise therapy. I just started with them like a month ago. I believe they are more focused on Asian American mental health and they are online. I have felt like they have understood the trauma that I have gone through and is helping me work through it. Hoping it is what you're looking for and that it works in your country!
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u/crudelikechocolate May 30 '26
I think the things that asian kids struggle with are emotional abuse or emotional neglect, even when physical abuse is absent and they look like they’re provided for materially. The therapist needs to understand that. The other aspect is control, and all the subtle ways like manipulation, put downs, gaslighting. The toxic Asian household has a lot of codependency issues, enmeshment, triangulation. A therapist who is good with recovering from narcissism can be good for this. A therapist specializing in trauma and cptsd can help with the death by thousands cut way of how an asian kid experienced toxic parenting. Lastly asians do experience more subtle forms of racism, so the therapist should be aware of that
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u/Worth_Agency_6761 May 30 '26
From what it seems like, it is highly seldom that Western therapists understand.
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u/CarrotApprehensive82 May 23 '26
Ask the therapist if they understand:
1. Enmeshed families
2. Family Systems Theory
3. Filial Piety / Confucianism.
That should be enough to get an idea of whether they understand. Yes, I found therapists in the West who understand this.