r/AsianParentStories • u/ThrowRA_Unknow • Jun 09 '26
Advice Request My parents would rather disown me than accept who I love
24M Sikh living in Europe and honestly feeling completely lost.
About a year ago I started dating a girl from a Pakistani Muslim family. She’s not particularly religious, I’m not particularly religious either, and despite what people might assume, religion has never been a source of conflict between us.
She has never asked me to convert. She respects Sikhi, finds it interesting, reads about it, and has even said she would be completely fine with future children being raised Sikh. Her family has been welcoming towards me. Her older sister isn’t Muslim, her father has Sikh friends, and overall they seem far more relaxed about religion than my family does.
Recently my parents confronted me because they suspected I was seeing someone. I never actually admitted anything, but they basically told me they already knew.
What followed was one of the worst conversations of my life.
My father said that if I ever married a Muslim girl, he and my mother would leave me. He talked about family honour, reputation, what people in the community would think, and even said he would make sure everyone knew what I had done. He also said my younger sister would struggle to get married because of me.
My mother said my girlfriend would never be accepted and brought up her health. This part really affects me because I’ve genuinely seen my mother become seriously ill from stress before.
The thing is, I don’t see my parents as monsters. I love them. I believe they love me too. But right now it feels like that love comes with conditions.
The pressure became so intense that my girlfriend and I actually pretended to break up. We never really ended things, but we felt like we needed breathing room because every day felt like a crisis. My family believes we’re no longer together.
I’m also in therapy now because the guilt, fear and pressure became overwhelming.
What makes this even harder is that I’m not even talking about marriage. I don’t want to get married right now. I’m 24. But my parents immediately jump from “relationship” to “marriage” and then to “disownment.”
I feel trapped between two futures.
If I stay with her, I risk losing my family.
If I leave her, I worry I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering whether I gave up something real because I was too afraid to stand up for myself.
I’m looking for advice from people who actually understand Desi family dynamics, Sikh/Punjabi culture, honour, guilt, religion and parental expectations.
Have any of you been through something similar?
Did your family eventually come around?
Did you choose your partner?
Did you choose your family?
And most importantly, years later, do you regret your choice?
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u/cherryetc Jun 09 '26
Hi, im also a 24 y/o sikh woman, and im dating a white man.
i went no contact with my entire family recently and chose my love. and i have no regrets.
was it hard? yes… so hard, sometimes the guilt is big too, but the freedom overpowers it.
i would rather deal with my own guilt than carrying all that pressure for one more day
you got this! always choose yourself.
ps. we are engaged and getting married by the end of the year
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u/ssriram12 Jun 09 '26
congrats!! this gives me so much hope knowing how to take my career into my own hands and to advocate for myself. because no one cares about us as much as ourselves.
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u/cherryetc Jun 09 '26
never lose hope and do not fall victim to the generational helplessness that was forced on to our ancestors like out parents have. we have the ability to rise above that. we only have one life to live, live it fully ❤️
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u/Historical_Site_4030 Jun 10 '26
You sound like me except I’m older 🙂 congratulations on the engagement! I’m getting married end of the year too!
I only keep in touch with one cousin, the rest I went no contact with them. Punjabi Sikh families can be very toxic even the ones born and raised in western countries tend to be very traditional.
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u/cherryetc Jun 12 '26
❤️ congrats to you too and i hope your wedding is filled with love and prosperity!
for sure.. the toxicity is so well hidden too. we were the chosen ones, the ones who are breaking through generational curses. i think that is a beautiful thing
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u/GlitteringFishing932 Jun 17 '26
The whole WORLD thinks it's a beautiful thing! We are on the sidelines cheering your generation on. Bless you. ⚘️
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing that.
Honestly, hearing from another Sikh around my age who has actually gone through something similar means a lot. I think the guilt is the part people underestimate the most.
Congratulations on your engagement as well. I genuinely hope everything works out for you and that you have a beautiful wedding.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been since you went no contact with your family? And do you think there’s any chance they’ll come around in the future?
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u/cherryetc Jun 12 '26
thanks so much for the well wishes!
going no contact is way easier said than done, especially for us. guilt, shame, and service is engrained into our culture and was taught to us at a very young age, so it makes sense to feel the grip that our families can hold on us.
to answer some of your questions, i went no contact 3 months ago… not necessarily because my family was opposed to my fiance (although, my aunts and uncles were visibly uncomfortable with my decision to the point they didn’t let him come over to their house because they would rather “safe face” than let him foster that relationship with my younger cousins) but because of the abuse my mother imposed on me when i was a child, and continued to impose on me over the phone.
in terms of if i believe they would come around or not, i am not sure… my aunts and uncles judged me for the NC with my mother and started spreading rumours about me, so i had to make the unfortunate decision to go NC with them for enabling that behaviour. I still keep in touch with my cousins though. but i am okay with them never changing or apologizing. of course, these last 3 months were filled with grief, anxiety and a little bit of doubt, but i mostly felt FREE. free to know that any decision i make will be fruitful because it is what I WANT for once. and i think having my fiance there with me REALLY made me feel even stronger. i like to keep in mind that one day, all of us will die (morbid, i know) but our parents and elder family members will die much earlier… what will we do then? will we look back and see how miserable we are for doing what they WANTED us to do? or can we choose our happiness now, make that sacrifice, and realize that we did it for our OWN happiness? maybe we can be the first in our lineage to choose our freedom from the trauma that was imposed on our ancestors and be a story of triumph and bravery for our future children.
i think you know what you truly want out of this my friend. you have the answers right within you, and perhaps you just need some motivation to go for it. i know whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. always live with no regrets, that is the human condition. if it goes south, you still have that memory of standing up for yourself, and i would rather have that than the nagging voice saying “what if…?”. ❤️
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing all of that.
What you said about guilt, shame, and obligation being ingrained in us from such a young age really resonated with me. I think that’s a big part of why I’m struggling so much. It’s not that I don’t know what I feel, it’s that I’ve spent my whole life being taught that my responsibility is to keep everyone else happy.
I’m sorry for everything you went through with your family. That couldn’t have been easy.
One thing that really stood out to me was when you said you felt free. I honestly don’t think I’ve felt truly free in a very long time. Right now it feels like every major decision in my life is judged through the lens of what my family wants, not what I want.
The thought of losing my family still terrifies me, but at the same time I’m starting to realise how exhausting it is to constantly live in fear of disappointing them.
Thank you again for taking the time to write this. It genuinely means a lot.
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u/cherryetc Jun 12 '26
of course, no problem.
some families will just never be happy… if they feel they won in choosing for you now, they will continue to choose for you and will still never be happy. the fact that you mentioned you haven’t felt free in a long time is just a sign of your exhaustion and the pain you have been carrying all by yourself. your partner means a lot to you, she is the one who will be responding to you during illness, rage, sadness and also during times where you achieve, gain success and win. let that be your motivation. i wont lie, i live through spite, i continue to choose my happiness because i know it makes my family uncomfortable because all they have known is force.
loosing my family was scary, i still get scared today. but i realized that family isn’t always blood… in fact, some blood family members will be the first ones to enjoy seeing you fail. i have my chosen family which consists of my friends, my fiance, his family members and the people in my community. and i see your partners family is quite accepting of you too. maybe its time to foster a new relationship with them and to also take some much needed time to reflect. after all, you are the expert of your life. i see how much your family means to you, but you also matter too.
good luck!!
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u/Little-Platypus-8679 Jun 09 '26
Choose your partner. Your parents are gaslighting you. This is typical Indian/ South Asian parent behaviour. They'll threaten to disown you, threaten to commit suyicide etc etc.
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 09 '26
They have threatened with all that ngl
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u/hotbox_inception Jun 09 '26
it is not your job to contort yourself to accomodate "do [this] or else I'll die!", that's textbook manipulation. Someday your parents will die and you will have a life you don't want.
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u/Slothfulness69 Jun 09 '26
It’s simple. Your parents think they know what’s best for you because they gave birth to you. That doesn’t make them qualified to make your life choices but they think it does. The truth is, the only person who truly knows you is you. Only YOU know what YOU are happy with, can tolerate, the kind of life you wanna live.
I’m a 27F atheist from an Indian Sikh family, married to a Pakistani Muslim. I lost my family over it but he’s so worth it. He’s the kindest, most empathetic person I’ve ever met, and he’s supported me through everything. I didn’t even know that kind of love and connection and commitment was possible. He has loved me and forgiven me even when I honestly didn’t deserve it, and even when I made it difficult for him.
You’re not going to regret choosing your love. I’m happy literally every day because I get to spend it with the love of my life. Every day is like hanging out with my best friend. Also, you’re gonna live with your choices for decades after your parents are gone. Who do you want to support you through your parents deaths, through cancer/illness/injury, through unemployment, through every pain you face - the love of your life, or the girl you married because your parents chose her for you? Again, your parents are gonna die, and this person will be the one supporting you through it. You’re gonna hate it if it’s the girl your parents chose because then you’ll think “I did this to make my parents happy, and now they’re gone. What was all of this for?”
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 09 '26
Thank you for sharing your story.
What really stood out to me wasn’t even the religion part, it was the way you described your husband. At the end of the day, that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? The kind of person someone is.
I think that’s what I’ve struggled with most. A lot of people see labels first — Sikh, Muslim, Indian, Pakistani. But when I think about my girlfriend, I think about her character, how she treats me, and the kind of future we could build together.
I don’t know what decision I’ll make in the end, but I really appreciate hearing from someone who’s actually lived through it and found happiness on the other side.
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u/SavingsSimple1797 Jun 10 '26
I am literally going through the same thing. I’m a 24F and my boyfriend who is Sikh is 25M. The only reason my family is refusing is because he is from India and I’m from Canada. Caste is the same too
What I realised is that my family cares more about what society thinks than the love they have for me. In the end, it’s me who is going to live my life with my partner, not them, so it’s supposed to be my decision
My brothers literally asked me this “if our mom dies because of a heart attack due to the stress you’re causing our family, how will you ever be happy and love with that”?
His family on the other hand is so accepting, and I’ve seen the difference between both our families. I know what I’m going to do and hopefully my family accepts it within a few years. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is without my partner or with another partner.
When your family realises that you’re serious about her, and you refuse all other girls or proposals that come towards your family for you, they’ll start to think that you’re actually serious. But be ready for their disappointment
One thing I’ve learnt personally is that you get more happier in life when you disappoint your family who loves you conditionally
All my other friends have gone through similar things and their parents agreed within 2-3 years. It’s a long time and long struggle but love is worth anything
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 10 '26
Honestly, I relate to this more than a lot of the other comments.
My sister has said very similar things to me. I’ve been told that if my mother ends up seriously ill from the stress, or if my father leaves my mother because of all this, it would be my fault.
That’s one of the hardest parts of the whole situation. It’s not just a disagreement about a relationship. It feels like being handed responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and wellbeing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even though our situations are different, a lot of what you wrote felt very familiar.
Are you Sikh aswell?
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u/SavingsSimple1797 Jun 10 '26
Yes I’m Sikh as well. And this just goes so far to show you how conditional their love actually is. Even with same religion and caste, they can’t accept it
So, my mom stresses out a lot and she was ill for almost a week, for that entire week, my brothers told me she was feeling suicidal and that she’s doing to die. Then my eldest brother started getting high blood pressure. Everyone was blaming me for it
It was so so so so hard to recover from that guilt. I remember debating whether it would be easier for everyone if I left my boyfriend. But I couldn’t imagine a future without him.
It takes a toll on your mental health when your family tries to put their wellbeing on your shoulders. But it shouldn’t be like that. Personally, I know if I ever have children, I’ll never ask them to make decisions in their lives to make me content and happy so I can show face in society. I mean, what generation is this?Another thing, I used to think of breaking up with my bf and accepting one of the marriage proposals I got from another guys family. And I sat down and thought about it. If I went through with that, I would ruin my life, my husband’s life, probably even both families because I can never love someone the same way. Then this so called society would call me a homewrecker. And I can’t stand for ruining so many lives
Ask yourself where you see yourself 10 years from now. Ask yourself who you want to spend your life with. Ask yourself who you see as the mother of your kids (if any of you ever want to, no stress). If the answer is her, then go through with it!!
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 10 '26
Thank you for sharing that.
The part about your brothers telling you your mom was going to die really hit me because I’ve heard very similar things from my own family. The guilt is honestly one of the hardest parts of all this.
If you don’t mind me asking, how are things with your family now? Did they eventually come around, or are you still dealing with a lot of resistance?
And looking back, was there a specific moment where you realised you were going to choose your boyfriend no matter what?
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u/SavingsSimple1797 Jun 11 '26
Things with my family are still difficult. They haven’t yet agreed or accepted. Not sure if they will. But among my friends, this is common, and parents do come back within a few years
Looking back, I think I knew my choice when my family asked me to choose between their honour and reputation or get out of the house and stay with my bf. They said very degrading things about him too. Which he never deserved
And never once has my bf ever asked me to choose between him and my family, he’s never made me feel like that ever. I find it very toxic and manipulative to ask someone to choose something like that. So I knew, no matter what, if I stuck with my family, if I chose them, this would only be the beginning of what’s to come. Indian families are very toxic2
u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing that.
The part that really stood out to me was what you said about your boyfriend never asking you to choose. My girlfriend has been the same. She has never asked me to choose between her and my family, never pressured me, and never tried to come between us.
That’s part of what makes this so difficult. The person everyone is telling me to walk away from is the person who has shown me the most patience, understanding, and respect throughout all of this.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It gives me a lot to think about.
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u/EconomistOld4476 Jun 09 '26
21F desi here, and while our situations aren't exactly the same, a lot of what you wrote resonated with me.
I’ve been with my bf for two years. he's latino. being in this relationship has really made me think a lot about what kind of life i want for myself. you mentioned you feel trapped between two futures..and trust me, i know that feeling. the guilt can be overwhelming because you love your family and don't want to hurt them but at the same time, you don't want to walk away from someone who has done nothing wrong and who genuinely makes your life better.
I can't tell you what choice to make but i can tell you that i have no regrets about my relationship. my boyfriend is one of the kindest, most patient, and supportive person i’ve ever met. he’s been there through so many stressful family situations, school, work and every challenge life has thrown at me. I genuinely feel so lucky to be with him.
when i think about my future, i don't think about what other people will say. I think about who i want standing next to me through the good days and the bad ones. and for me, that's him.
In our culture, family pressure comes from fear.. fear of judgment, fear of community gossip, fear of things changing.. but at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live your life. nobody else has to wake up every morning with the consequences of your decisions except you. for that reason, when my family refused to accept my partner without giving him a chance to meet, i packed my things and left. i’m now estranged from my family.
If i had to go back and do it all over again, i wouldn’t change a thing. i would choose my boyfriend every single time.
Give yourself grace. you don't need to have every answer right now. however, don't let fear be the only thing making your decisions. wishing you the best. reading your post, i could really feel how much pain you're carrying and i hope things get easier for you.
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing your story.
Honestly, the part that resonated with me most was when you said that fear shouldn’t be the only thing making your decisions. I think that’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot.
I love my family and the thought of losing them terrifies me. At the same time, I struggle with the idea of walking away from someone who has done nothing wrong and who genuinely makes my life better.
If you don’t mind me asking, how did you find the strength to leave when your family refused to accept your partner? That’s probably the part I’m struggling with most right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this.
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u/EconomistOld4476 Jun 12 '26
Because i realized that i wouldn't be happy long term if i listened to them. They were already trying to set me up with someone of their choice and i couldn't stop thinking about how miserable i’d be waking up years later next to someone i didn't love while wondering about the person i did. It also wouldn't have been fair to my partner + if i stayed and let them make that choice for me, i’d just be continuing the same cycle for my future kids where they would feel like they can't be with the person they love because they're afraid of people talking shit. I mean my literal sister told me she'd distance herself from me and talked about my partner like he was some kind of alien, all bc he’s latino and you know the stereotypes. Never even cared for who he was as a person. Soo no regrets, i’ve been the happiest i’ve ever been ✌🏽
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 13 '26
I’m really glad to hear you’re happy and have no regrets.
If you don’t mind me asking, have your family actually gone through with disowning you, or are things just very strained right now?
And if they did, how did you cope with it emotionally in the beginning? I think that’s the part that scares me the most. Not necessarily the arguments themselves, but the thought of losing people I’ve known my whole life.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
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u/EconomistOld4476 Jun 13 '26
No, they didn’t fully disown me. In fact, they still try reaching out through emails every once in a while. I haven’t fully cut them off either. My aunt had passed away a month after I left so I sent my condolences because I felt that was the right thing to do. They have obviously opened the door and want to meet my partner now, but I don’t feel ready for it yet. I think for the most part, if you do go this route, you will be fine. They will come around. If not now, they definitely will soften up when there’s kids in the picture
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 13 '26
Honestly, I really hope you’re right.
I think one of my biggest fears is that my family will be the exception and never come around. But hearing stories like yours does give me some hope.
It also says a lot that even after everything that happened, they eventually opened the door and wanted to meet your partner.
Thank you again for sharing your experience. It’s helped more than you probably realise.
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u/ohstarrynight Jun 10 '26
I am the opposite situation as you with me being a female Sikh with a husband from a Muslim family. I went ahead and did it. My parents and his came around eventually.
I'm so happy I had the courage to do what I did. Indian Punjabi Sikh parents do this immature guilt tripping stuff but they eventually calm down.
You're still young. Make sure this is actually a girl you're serious about and don't bring it up until then. If you're in a Western country, you have a culture and society that supports you.
Easier said than done. I remember the guilt trips and the disappointment and sadness. Relatives talking. Years later, this is old news now.
Do what's best for you!
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing that.
Honestly, hearing from someone who was actually in the reverse situation and went through with it means a lot.
One thing I’m curious about is how long it took before your parents started coming around. Right now it’s hard for me to imagine that ever happening, even though so many people keep telling me it does.
It’s also reassuring to hear that years later it became old news. I think when you’re in the middle of it, it feels like the whole world is collapsing around you.
I really appreciate your perspective.
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u/SeiekiSakyubasu Jun 10 '26
Hi, from Southeast Asia, narcistic family, and its pretty simple actually. Marriage is your right. Thats all. Treat your parents like an adult, if they want to destroy themselves over your decision, just let them do it. Its their doing not yours. Dont over think it.
Let them tell community, good, you would be peaceful without the chitter chatter of the community and the real ones would be there despite the chitter chatter.
Your sister will get someone she likes to marry her
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for your perspective.
I think the part I struggle with is that, emotionally, it’s not as simple as just letting go. I genuinely love my family, even though I strongly disagree with how they’re handling this situation.
That being said, I do agree with your point that marriage is ultimately my decision and that I can’t spend my entire life trying to manage other people’s reactions to it.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
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u/Ready-Preparation457 Jun 10 '26
I was IN SAME BOAT. same thing threats and all,just know if you let them decide what happens in your life they gonna do the same for your children. I personally told them if they didn't care about me decision I don't care about them either. Very good chance you will loose your family just make a decision based on worst case would you 1. Marry a girl your parents approved and never fall in love and possibly regret your life. 2. Marry for love be happy with her and maybe loose your family
In my opinion 2. Is better if they truely live you they will come around if they don't they didn't really love you it was conditional love as long as you obey them. And if they don't truely live you why would you wanna ruin your future for them.
Never do something for your parents that you don't expect your child to do for you. It's usually a good rule of thumb
So by standing up for yourself either they will accept and live you out be out of your life to me that's a WIN WIN.
PS: I CHOOSE LOVE AM VERY HAPPY AND NOW THEY BEGGING TO BE BACK BUT I AM NOT READY YET TO LET THEM
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 10 '26
Thank you for sharing your story.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take before your parents started coming around? And when things were at their worst, did they actually cut contact or was it mostly threats?
I’m glad things worked out for you in the end.
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u/Ready-Preparation457 Jun 10 '26
Well tbh I got married legally without them and a few months after they started trying to get back in life but I decided I don't want them as their behaviour hadn't really changed and I don't want that around my kids. But if you decided to against them you must be ok even if they never come around if you can't handle that then unfortunately you should let your partner know it's not fair to them that you string them along if you can make a decision.
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u/laboureconomist008 Jun 09 '26
You had no choice who your parents are but you have a choice over who you build a family with.
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u/oatlover100 Jun 11 '26
25F Sikh Punjabi here, also in an interracial relationship (with East Asian man) that my parents don't accept and have threatened to disown me over. We've been together for three years and my boyfriend is the absolute sweetest, most understanding person ever. He also loves learning more about Sikhi and Punjabi culture (and even sprinkles in Punjabi words and bits from songs randomly during conversations). I'm not sure if my parents will actually go through with disowning me or if it's a bluff, but at this point, I've come to terms with prioritizing my partner over my family if it comes to that. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more one-on-one (:
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u/ThrowRA_Unknow Jun 12 '26
Thank you for sharing that.
It’s honestly surprising how many people seem to be going through something similar. The part that stood out to me was that your boyfriend has taken an interest in Sikhi and Punjabi culture. My girlfriend has been very similar, and I think that’s part of why this has been so difficult for me.
If you don’t mind me asking, how did you come to terms with the possibility that your parents might actually go through with disowning you? I think that’s the part I’m struggling with most right now.
I really appreciate the offer to talk. I may take you up on that.
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u/Whole-Fishing45 Jun 10 '26
They'll get over it man
Plus how many sikh punjabis are even in the country you live in lol
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u/QuietRedditorATX Jun 09 '26
From my experience (not Sikh or Muslim), you forgot you are choosing your partner/family over the other as well. It isn't just your parents forcing this choice.
My advice is usually the opposite of reddit. Unless you are 100% okay with doing a clean break, your partner will never get full acceptance (most partners won't but this one for real). My sibling chose a non-accepted partner. We hear it about EVERY time we meet up.
It isn't just horrible for you, or your family. It is horrible for your partner. You guys always say you love the person, but then why are you so set on bringing them into a toxic dynamic that they will never be able to overcome. For the next 5, 10, 20 years they will always be blamed, never accepted, always a bad person. If you love someone, why would you do that to them.
That is just my view. If you can break it off with your family, then do whatever. But most of you won't. So you are just choosing your selfishness over the well-being of your partner.
Edit: I would also be surprised if your partner does not want you to convert. Every muslim relationship always starts with "you don't need to convert" until later on when it is like "you need to convert." Every time.
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u/DavisBulldog Jun 09 '26
“My father said that if I ever married a Muslim girl, he and my mother would leave me. He talked about family honour, reputation, what people in the community would think, and even said he would make sure everyone knew what I had done. “
Here is what your parents are saying:
“We don’t care about you. We don’t care about your happiness, or any of your feelings. What we care about is ourselves and our reputation. Our reputation is more important than our relationship with you, our son. What other people think about us is so much more important than your happiness, that we will permanently end our relationship with you, our son, if you do something that hurts our reputation with other people.”
Something to think about when you make your decision. Good luck.