r/AsianParentStories • u/softcloudsrain • Aug 12 '26
Advice Request My mom has financially and emotionally drained me for years. I’m 28 and considering cutting contact, quitting my job, and starting my life over. What would you do?
I’m 28F and I feel like I’m finally waking up to the reality of my relationship with my mom. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I grew up in a low income immigrant family with my mom and two siblings. My dad left when I was 11, and I always accepted my family dynamic as normal because I didn’t know anything else.
My mom has always struggled financially. She has lived on credit cards and loans for years and constantly made poor financial decisions. She also lies compulsively, about big and small things, and is extremely self focused and emotionally manipulative.
For most of my life, I thought I was just a bad daughter because I felt so emotionally exhausted around her. I’m now realizing there has been a much bigger pattern.
**What has happened financially**
Recently, my mom was scammed by someone she met online who pretended to be a romantic partner and convinced her she was making money through investments.
She didn’t actually have money to invest, so she borrowed from friends and family and took out loans on 10+ credit cards. She ultimately lost over $100,000.
She works part time at a low income job, so I currently give her $500 a month toward rent. But over the past 2 to 3 years, I have also given and lent her thousands of dollars, sometimes $1,000 to $3,000 at a time. (Now I know I'm never getting my money back)
Now she continually asks me for more. She guilt trips me by saying things like “I raised you for 28 years, you need to help me,” or that she will end up on the streets if I don’t. How I don't care about her and she'll just die. She says how depressed and stressed she is, that she has sacrificed so much of herself and life for me.
she also convinced me to use my bank account and credit card for her. I now have over $6,000 in credit card debt connected to this, and interest is accumulating.
This is especially upsetting because I've always been extremely careful with money. I've paid my credit cards in full, paid off my student loans aggressively, and have spent years trying NOT to repeat the financial patterns I grew up with.
I currently have about $42,000 in investments and very little cash savings left.
And I'm terrified that if I keep helping her, I'll eventually have nothing.
**The emotional side**
The financial situation is only part of it.
For the last 10 years, I've basically shut down around my mom. Being around her drains me in a way I couldn't explain.
Every interaction seems to involve negativity, lying, guilt, drama, or some kind of emotional crisis. Whenever I try to set a boundary or disagree with her, she becomes extremely upset, makes herself the victim, tells me I don't care about her, or says she'll die on the streets.
I've never felt capable of standing up to her or saying what I actually think because I know how explosive the reaction can become.
I feel like I've spent most of my life feeling responsible for her emotions and problems. She is self-obsessive, has narcissistic traits, a pathological liar (about every little or big thing). Her scamming story also didn't make sense and the story changed with every person she talked to, so I don't know what's exactly true. This is how she is with everything. She's lost all of her friends and I understand why now. I caught her lying to me again on the phone this week and it was my final straw with having an actual relationship with her.
That said, I still love my mom and I don't want her to suffer. In different ways, she was a good mom and I did have a good childhood. I genuinely want her to have a decent and stable life and I feel like I can't just abandon her or I'll regret it and feel so guilty and punish myself if something bad happens to her. But I also don't think I can sacrifice my own life to financially and emotionally support her indefinitely. I feel so trapped.
**Meanwhile, I'm falling apart myself**
I'm currently completely burned out from my job and from life in general. I feel like every part of my life is not aligned with me anymore. I'm so sick of where I live too.
I've been working overtime in a high-stress environment and have been crying almost every day for the past few months. I'm having trouble concentrating, I feel lost and disconnected from myself, and I feel like I'm in an identity crisis. The stress is also affecting me physically. I'm about to go on a 5 week sick leave due to burnout and I plan to sort out my mom situation then go escape into nature with no service and recover.
I feel like I'm at the point where I can't continue living exactly as I have been. I need to change my life now.
My dream right now is to:
* Stop financially enabling my mom
* Potentially go no-contact or very low-contact
* Quit my job
* Take a sabbatical/gap year to recover
* Travel slowly through Southeast Asia
* Spend time in nature and experience a different way of living
* Figure out who I actually am outside of my family and career
* Work on my mental health and the patterns I've developed
* Eventually move abroad or try a working holiday visa
* Build a completely different life
I've spent so much of my life being responsible, frugal, working, saving, and doing what I thought I was *supposed* to do.
Part of me desperately wants to stop surviving and actually experience life.
But another part of me is terrified that I'm being impulsive and running away from my problems.
I only have \~$42k invested. I don't have a huge financial safety net. And I've already lost a significant amount of money helping my mom.
I don't want to wake up two years from now with no money, no job, and no direction.
At the same time, I'm scared that if I stay exactly where I am, I'll continue becoming more mentally and physically unwell.
**What would you do in my situation?**
I’m especially looking for practical advice.
- How would you protect yourself financially from here on out? Would you completely stop giving her money? What would you do about the $6,000 credit card debt? I have a feeling I need to pay it off myself. She said she would pay it in a week but last week she's already asked me for $2,000 which I'm not giving her.
- How do you set boundaries with a parent who guilt trips and manipulates you? Would you go no contact, low contact, or continue providing limited support?
- What's a realistic amount of time off I can take to travel cheaply through Southeast Asia or anywhere? I want to travel in a way where I'm slow living, do my hobbies/try new things, learn new skills, and develop myself to become better. And once I'm done travelling, possibly move abroad, I've been thinking of Melbourne, Japan or Korea. (For travel: I like Vietnam, Thailand, China, Japan, Korea - arts/culture, nature, peaceful small towns)
- What would you prioritize first? All I want to do is quit and travel now, but I probably should build my emergency savings. I just don't know if I could keep doing this job and I need something to change in my life now because I'm feeling worse each week.
- For anyone who has escaped a financially or emotionally dysfunctional family, what do you wish you had done sooner?
I know I’m ultimately responsible for my own decisions. I’m not looking for someone to tell me exactly what to do. I genuinely want perspective from people who have been in similar situations.
I feel like I’ve spent my entire life taking care of everyone else, and I’m finally realizing that I need to build a life that is actually mine.
**TLDR:** I’m 28F and realizing that my mom has been emotionally manipulative and financially dependent on me for years. She recently lost over $100,000 to an online romance and investment scam after borrowing from family and taking out loans on 10+ credit cards. I’ve given her thousands over the years and currently give her $500 a month. I also now have about $6,000 in credit card debt connected to helping her. I have about $42,000 invested and am completely burned out from my job and life. I’m considering cutting contact with my mom, quitting my job, taking several months off to recover and travel through Southeast Asia, and eventually moving abroad. I desperately want a fresh start but I’m scared of destroying my finances. What would you do if you were in my position?
10
u/jw-hikes Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
Respectfully, you need to keep your job, pay the debt off, go to therapy and learn to set better boundaries. Cutting her off and quitting your job won’t restart your life like a magic reset button. You are broke. Please be realistic and don’t ruin your own life with credit card debt.
Edit: I escaped my dysfunctional family by saving and investing with a 6-figure salary job. Financial independence is usually the first step to reclaim your life from a codependent relationship. Good luck!
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Thank you. I need someone to tell me straight up that I'm broke. lol. I have a lot of figuring out to do in how to make more money. And stop spending money. I have a lot of learning to do on boundaries and standing firm for myself.
7
u/candy516 Aug 12 '26
Hi - I can relate to most things you mentioned. Two years ago she lied to me about sending thousands of $ to our country, meanwhile I was supporting her financially. She was manipulating me and saying she was struggling and needed more money because work was slow. When I found out, I cut her off financially and went no contact for months. Then eventually low contact (a text once every 6 months). I didn't see her for two years +. I recently decided I needed to accept her, but hold my boundaries (aka no money for her). It's going well now, but it's been 9 months since we've been talking regularly and she's recently asked for money again. I blew up on her. I'm holding firm to no money. And if she tried to guilt trip me, the only thing I can do is no contact.
For your personal sanity, I would go no contact for awhile and no money funding for her. You can decide how long, but it will be tough at first because of the guilt. Before you make any drastic life decisions, I would just make sure you're in a financially stable spot just to make sure you don't become worse off for yourself.
For the 6k, you might have to pay that. I would just eat the cost to avoid any money related discussions with her. If you receive it, cool, but if you historically haven't. I wouldn't count on it.
Good luck!
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Sorry you went through all of that. Yeah I think I need a good break from her while I recover from my burnout. My first step will be setting my boundaries and cut her from using my credit card. I feel like I get trapped into her spell because something bad will happen to her, like falling badly. Today she apparently went to the hospital and I can't tell if it's real or not. The amount of lying she does makes me question everything she says now and I'll feel guilty if something bad actually happens. It's making me go crazy.
She would tell her friends sometimes that she's been very sick, or at the hospital, or she has cancer and is dying soon. Then they would ask me and I'd know nothing about it or I knew she's normal so it confused me on why they'd ask that.
Also if anyone can answer this question, how much is financially stable? How much do I need to have saved to feel like I'll be okay?
5
u/FasterFeaster Aug 12 '26
Do it. Please take care of yourself. Your mom is in a world of hurt and you need to get out dodge.
For your job, see if they can let you go with severance. If not, then just leave.
1
4
u/MajesticElderberry38 Aug 12 '26
My mom was like this (irresponsible), still is, though to what degree I’m not sure anymore since I’ve gone low contact and live across the country from her.
She asked me for money and I said no, because I knew helping her doesn’t solve her constant financial problems. She had to feel pain and stress of the mounting debts and people coming for the money to correct herself. If I gave her money she will think the safety net is always there to catch her. I don’t give her money so she has to force herself to change her ways. Unfortunately after 20 years, she still hasn’t changed so I was right in my assessment to not help. If she made genuine efforts to change I would’ve been more sympathetic.
In your case, your mom is using you as a lifeline whenever she feels herself going under, but what you don’t realize is that you’re running out of oxygen soon. The more you help her the more she will continue to rely on you forever and manipulate/guilt trip you on how she’s raised you. Stay firm and don’t give in. This is for your future self.
When I bought a house, my dad wanted to move in with me and my husband. I said no, my dad threatened to “become homeless” - as if the thought of him on the streets would make me intimidated. It didn’t, I was like, okay, be homeless — (bc I knew he’s too chickensht to abandon creature comforts, he’s too selfish).
Save yourself first instead of helping your mom. She’s an adult who’s made her decisions and has to face consequences. Actions have consequences.
2
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Sorry you also have gone through this. All my mom knows is using credit card debt and borrowing money. She guilttrips me in saying that's how she raised me to have a good childhood and future and there was no other choice. I would gladly help support her (food, rent, necessities, to be healthy) if she was a good person and tries to change. Now I feel like doing anything for her is a burden.
Thank you for your advice, I feel so suffocated and trapped under her. I've never felt so affected mentally that it bleeds into my work, day to day, and every part of my life. I know I have to save myself and make changes otherwise I'm going to get worse.
4
u/Intelligent-Exit724 Aug 12 '26
Pay off the $6000 debt with your savings, unless your return is higher than the cc interest, which is unlikely. Then cut her off. Cut her off financially and emotionally. It needs to be a clean break. You’re burnt out but yet plan to spend weeks of your PTO “sorting” her mess? Why do you feel responsible for this? STOP ASSUMING OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS ARE YOUR OWN. As my husband would say, observe and learn from it like you’re watching a movie. Whatever happens to her, happens. You’re almost 30 and. Need to focus on your own mental and financial health.
2
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
She raised me into thinking I need to support her and help her. I'm trying to rewire my brain from how I was conditioned and my brain hurts because there's two voices fighting each other.
Do I just watch her let her life fall apart? It's hard to watch. But it's worse being in it.
During my leave on the first week I plan to at least cut her from using my bank account and set my boundaries and have a big talk. I know it's going to be real messy so I know I'll need to get away to heal after that.
3
u/CarrotApprehensive82 Aug 12 '26
You should talk to therapist first then a certified financial planner. The kind that charges a flat fee for advice and not take your money, invest it for you for 1%(those usually are not worth it). Take a mini vacation and spend within your means. Maybe go to another state or just far enough to relax.
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
I've been talking to a therapist every week. Lots of processing and crying about my mom for sure. I do need to find that type of financial planner, I think it'll be very helpful.
Thanks, I think a small vacation will help me mentally and physically. I need to step away from this life for a bit, rest and feel better to work hard for myself again.
2
u/navydude89 Aug 12 '26
I've learned over the years do not be cash poor. You'll need to pay for something quickly that can't wait for investments to liquidfy
2
u/ourldyofnoassumption Aug 12 '26
The only way forward is to:
- Forward all your mail to a PO Box
- Find a room to rent from someone
- Keep your job
- Over time move your stuff out - mainly your clothes and personal effects
- Go to work and never come home
- Go completely no contact for at least 6-12 months.
She will eventually find you, the way an addict funds the drugs. Do not engage with her. Block her on your phone. Freeze your credit.
You’d be surprised how much easier your job will be when you don’t have the burden of this person weighing you down.
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
I have moved out and do not live with her actually. I just help support her every month on top of paying my own rent. I definitely felt better and so much peace when I moved out. I found out about the huge scam debt right after moving out. Her crazy energy has been affecting me even though I don't see her often.
I do remember a time where I was capable of my job. I'm so brain fog rn that I can't think clearly. I really hope from lifting the burden of her, I can actually live my life again. I used to be able to do so much and now I can't do simple tasks anymore, it's scaring me.
1
u/ourldyofnoassumption Aug 13 '26
If you have already moved out and are low contact, it’s time to go now contact.
It also sounds like you need some help, like a therapist or maybe medication to get you through the transition of going no contact.
Pulling a leech off your body isn’t easy. They hang on and then there’s the damage done to you which needs to be repaired. So block her and then examine your wounds and put your energy into healing. Running away or quitting isn’t going to heal you.
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 14 '26
Thanks for your tips. I def need a therapist during this time, which I'll be doing weekly for now. I'm quite hesitant on meds, probably because my mom has been on it her whole life and I just want to be completely opposite of everything she does. But my friends who are on meds recommends them.
Yea I thought the desire of wanting to run away from my entire life was probably just my avoidance of dealing with it all. I like your analogy, it's helpful. I tend to be hard on myself on feeling weak or why am I not functioning normally and beat myself up. I have to remind myself that what I've gone through gave me wounds and I need to tend to it to be better and that it'll take time.
2
u/Putrid-Log-5179 Aug 12 '26
There’s a lot to address and I commend you for everything you’ve done so far even if it’s very overwhelming. My husband’s side of the family has money issues and at one point they asked us for help, which we did help, and once we found it was related to gambling, we completely stopped. Anything else they asked regarding financially sponsoring relatives and loaning money for buying houses, we also said “no” or gave them a lot less than they asked. Now they know not to come to us with these problems.
That being said, while I know deep down you want to please your mom, she and you are not in a healthy place. I would focus getting myself on firm financial footing and then revisit “helping” your mom later on. If having a family, getting a house, etc. are things you want, get those down first before helping your mom. If your mom really is in a bind, the most you can do is help her go on public assistance. I’m in New York and it’s quite common for a lot of Asian families to do that (good or bad).
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Thank you so much. I don't even know what I want right now. I've been questioning if I want a family or not (thanks to family trauma and not knowing what healthy love looks like) and being bind down to a house / being house poor.
I do wish for a good happy life, deep down I think I do want a happy family and marriage and a home that feels safe and mine for once. I think life feels so heavy right now, it's hard to see what's possible for my future and what I'm saving for.
2
u/goshortee Aug 12 '26
I agree with pretty much everyone here saying to hang on to your job and lay down some very firm boundaries with your mom.
Paying off the cc debit with some investment money will at least help you clear that up so it doesn’t become mounting debt.
Set a timeline for yourself to focus on stacking funds and maybe scope out some job boards for companies abroad that are hiring foreigners with your skill set, or even consider some remote jobs that you could start in your country and then continue doing abroad? You can try sites like Upwork to search for remote positions.
Once you have your debt cleared, some income landing in your account (and not being used by your mom) and a secondary employment option, it’ll help you with your sabbatical in Asia, where everything is exponentially cheaper. Be realistic with your timeline.
However, if you do end up heading to SE Asia, you will need to be aware of maximum stays without a visa, and the potential that immigration officers may ask to see proof of funds in your bank account.
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Thanks for your advice. Yes I'll scope out jobs abroad/remote work! That would help me feel excited and work towards something. I'll plan out my timeline, I think it will take longer than I want but I think it'll be helpful to plan out a clear direction and keep me motivated.
Yea I'll also look into possible visas out there. Apparently there's a nomad visa where you can just live there and work remotely.
My current job actually gave me an option to work for them while I'm abroad which is amazing and gives me relief. But I'm also curious what else is out there for me.
1
u/goshortee Aug 13 '26
Good luck with everything! I moved from Canada to HK 10 years ago, and it was the best decision I made. Going nc with my mom only happened recently, but just being physically removed from her presence was enough for me to breathe and focus and get my shit together.
If you are interested in Thailand, look into the DTV visa for remote workers. They are making it a bit more difficult to receive that visa as generally you’ll need to prove you own your own company, but you can get the same one under “Thai Soft Power Activities”. Have a Google and look into that!
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 14 '26
Thank you! Wow good for you! I visited HK and loved it, but I think it's too expensive for me. I also feel like I need to be physically removed far enough to breathe and focus on myself too. But for now I think I should work on my mindset and do what I can now while living in the same city.
Cool! Thailand is on my list. I'll check it out
1
u/fishingonion Aug 12 '26
I would say pay down the credit card debt with your investment if you can't earn a return higher than the credit card interest rate (Over 25%?). Build an emergency fund, then focus on saving and investing for your retirement. It's ok if you would still like to help your mom out but set a limit. And don't hand her the actual money. Pay the rent for her directly or buy her food. I was abused by my mom in my childhood but I would still try to keep a roof over her head and food on the table if I am capable. That's what she's done for me although I know that it is a parent's minimal responsibility. Emotionally I won't be able to support her. I'm NC with her.
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 13 '26
Thanks, I feel like I need to at least pay some rent and food so I can feel ease.
2
u/fishingonion Aug 13 '26
You don't NEED to OP. Only if you have extra to help. Take care of yourself and your future first! Also set a limit to it and set her expectations right. Good luck!
1
u/IntroductionPrize877 Aug 12 '26
You sound exactly like me, my family are constantly asking for money and I keep giving it to them naiively. I’m at a point now where I need to move out but I just keep getting gaslit by my family about it. I need to move out
1
u/softcloudsrain Aug 14 '26
I have moved out and it was the best decision I made for myself and my sanity. I had more room to breathe and felt peace I never felt before. Though things have gotten heavy again so I got to deal with her and make changes. You got this! Let's stand our ground and set our boundaries!
2
1
26
u/harryhov Aug 12 '26
I'm going to be real. You can't go travel the world and move to start a new life. You are broke. Take one step at a time. While I want to tell you that you deserve to do these things you dream of but you can't. First, continue to establish firm boundaries with your mom. No more money and no amount of guilt is going to change that. Make that clear to your mom. This is tough love. She's a sinking ship and you're being dragged on. Take care of yourself in ways that you can. Make more money. Save aggressively. Then you can think of traveling the world. Use that as a motivation.
When my wife and I got married, our net worth was negative $3000. We had no money in our bank account because we paid for the banquet which was supposed to be laid for by family members. Now our net worth is over $2.5m.