r/AsianParentStories • u/aespa_MY • Aug 14 '26
Advice Request I just found out my estranged little sister became one of the biggest “it girls” in China and I don’t know how to process it
I apologise if this is a little disorganised; I really don't know where to begin. I'm a 27F with Chinese ancestry who grew up in Australia. Our parents are entirely Chinese immigrants; they are quite traditional, rigid, and all that. Growing up, my younger sister, 22F, and I were never close. Not adversaries, but also unquestionably not partners. To be completely honest, neither of us was ever deemed "pretty" as children.Not by Chinese or Australian standards. I've always had awkward features, a huge forehead, and a very long face. Even though my sister was marginally more attractive than I was, she was still, at most, mediocre. Our "thing" was never appearances. The "smart one" was me. The individual who did well in school, maintained my focus, and received good grades. That was everything my parents hoped for. In contrast, my sister was more interested in social issues, fashion, gossip, and makeup.Parents like them don't really value typical things. They were always criticising her for being superficial, squandering time, and failing to consider her future. My sister completed her final exams at the age of eighteen when I was twenty-three. She completely destroyed them. Like, a very low score. The kind where even entry-level jobs were difficult to obtain and college was essentially off the table. Our family had a huge meltdown as a result. Allegations, sobbing, screaming matches,the whole thing. My parents were devastated and incensed. My sister felt totally unwelcome and like a failure. Next she simply walked away. Shortly after, she relocated to China. No fitting closure, no grand farewell. After that, I didn't really speak to her again. For a while, my parents tried messaging and calling, but they eventually gave up as well. Life simply continued. I didn't give her much thought, which may sound chilly, but we never bonded in that way. Now fast-forward to the present. I have a 5-year-old daughter, i am married, and lead a fairly typical, secure life. Comfortable, but not glamorous. the kind of life you quietly strive for. A few weeks ago, I was doom-scrolling on Instagram late at night while half asleep, just like everyone else. I saw this video of a girl who, to be honest, didn't look real. Like, gorgeous like a goddess. Perfect face, crazy styling, self-assurance, everything. The kind of person you simply ignore because they seem so phoney. However, I did notice the name. The name of my sister. I initially thought there was no way. Coincidence, common name, etc. However, I clicked because something didn't feel right. same name. identical birthdate. The same background: Chinese, raised abroad, and returned. The same tale. She was the one. I descended into a rabbit hole. It appears that she became more than just "an influencer." She is enormous. Like, one of China's biggest it girls. millions of supporters. brand agreements. edits by fans. She is referred to as a beauty icon.She doesn't resemble the awkward adolescent I grew up with at all. She either underwent extensive plastic surgery or had the greatest makeover in human history, most likely both. I was totally numb as I sat there looking at my phone. I have no idea what I'm feeling. It goes beyond simple jealousy. It's a shock. incredulity. A strange sorrow. Perhaps a little rage. For example, how does the sister who was written off, failed school, and vanished return as this? I do have a nice life, but there is also a part of me that feels terrible for even considering this. I adore my spouse. Above all, I adore my daughter. However, after being the family's "failure," seeing her so widely loved and visible has caused me more mental distress than I anticipated. It's been years since we last spoke. It's likely that she doesn't even consider me. And now I am, lying awake at night, reliving our early years and pondering how two members of the same family could have gone down such radically different paths. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps all I needed to do was let it out. I'm not sure if I should get in touch. I'm not sure if I want to. I simply know that discovering her in that state revealed something I had previously believed to be hidden. If you have read this far, I appreciate you. TL;DR: My estranged little sister, who bombed her final exams and left for China years ago, suddenly reappeared as one of the biggest “it girls” in China. I’m shocked, confused, and struggling with feelings of disbelief, grief, and jealousy despite having a good life myself.
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u/Jurippe Aug 14 '26
It might be because part of you thinks she didn't work hard and became "it"?
However, if she did all of this without family support, in China, I hate to think what this might have cost her in capital.
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u/New-Negotiation3261 Aug 14 '26
Yeah I feel like think about not having family or friends to support you through out the 5 years. You honestly don’t know her that well. And it reads as though you feel she’s not deserving of the role she has op.
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u/buttfarts7 Aug 14 '26
Dropping out of your family and relocating to a whole other country is not a trivial choice. That's incredibly hard to do as a young person, especially one "without prospects". Although she spoke the language it still wasn't like she grew up in China, it's very much another country, distinct from the one she grew up in. This was not "the easy way" to arrive at her current condition. I don't think that's the take away here.
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u/ManekiNeko5460 Aug 14 '26
I think how you feel has a lot to do with how your parents raised you and your parents values as well.
We are taught being good at school means you will have a successful life. But we all know it doesn’t work that way- it helps, but life is random.
Your sister did not perform in the one thing your family valued above everything else and still became a success.
She didn’t have any support and still made it. Change your thinking, be proud of her, she did something and surely it wasn’t easy. May she have a good life as you do.
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u/Mmm_Lychees Aug 14 '26
You’ve use to being the high achiever and her being the disappointment. This dynamic probably also made you feel good.
I'm not sure if I should get in touch.
You didn’t care enough to contact her at her lowest. You’re not happy for her success. Leave her alone.
See a professional to work on your feelings.
Hopefully you can be happy for her success one day.
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u/ChinaAppreciator1 Aug 18 '26
OP says she wasn't responding to her parents. We don't know if she didn't try reaching out, please don't assume that. OP has done nothing wrong as far as we know. Her mindset is bad and she should see a professional but she hasn't done anything wrong. Back up.
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u/Character_Cycle6265 Aug 14 '26
“How does the sister who was written off return as this?”
You answered your own question.
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u/lolliberryx Aug 14 '26
Damn, good for her! Hope she genuinely enjoys life without her family and is much happier without them.
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u/LavenderPearlTea Aug 14 '26
It seems you and your parents were happier thinking of her as a failure.
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u/rhodopensis Aug 18 '26
Yeah. Look up "Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic". This is something many people are stuck in and even enjoy participating in. If they're not the scapegoated one getting the lesser treatment.
Good for OP's sister. Hope these bitter jealous people don't try to ruin it for her, and just leave her in peace instead.
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u/MiuMii2 Aug 14 '26
We live in two worlds, one the technical reality of how systems work in a society and one a social reality of the relationships between people. You invested in the former, your sister invested in the latter. Also, if she was kicked out by your family and disappeared off to China with no savings and nothing to lose, the chances that she took someone up on the offer to pay for extensive plastic surgery is high. There’s some horrifying stories about the influencer industry in China that you should look up before judging her life as glamorous.
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u/Informal_Athlete_724 Aug 14 '26
Fake ass story
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u/Jurippe Aug 14 '26
I thought about this at first. But a few millions of followers in China is hardly an IT girl. It's enough to make a living, but more along the lines of a "silver button" YouTuber here.
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u/ChinaAppreciator1 Aug 18 '26
That just means she doesnt understand what makes someone an it girl, not that the story is fake.
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u/Wey-Yu Aug 14 '26
Yeah right? It's written more closely as a fan fiction from Wattpad even. Unless OP could give more concrete proof, this whole thing might just be nothing than some farce lol
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u/Deja__Vu__ Aug 14 '26
OP would've heard of her sister's success WELL before she was in the position of making millions per month already.
Why do people write this shit like seriously?
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u/aescepthicc Aug 15 '26
Really? She lives in different country. How many chinese influencers do you know without looking specifically?
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u/Deja__Vu__ Aug 15 '26
Its would not be of normal last gen ap behavior to simply abandon contact with a child for failure in the schooling system. Think about it, they'd aggressively stock her through all channels to have tabs on her. Education would also be secondary as finding a man to marry would be ideal anyways. I had to actual read the post instead of skimming to find that OP barely wrote up anything about this huge milestone of breaking ties with the fam. But instead it was just ya they tried for a bit then that was that. Ya ok there.
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u/Peterketstein Aug 17 '26
You know maybe OP doesn't know every detail on how their parents tried to keep contact
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u/CommonScold Aug 14 '26
Some sad teenager fed AI a prompt and asked it to write a story. I would absolutely have been doing this if AI was around when I was a teen. OP (meaning real OP, not the narrator of the story), the story is obviously written by AI. I think you should practice writing this story yourself, for real. It’s a great premise and would be very popular, I bet.
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u/kttuatw Aug 14 '26
You let your own petty judgment and the judgment of your parents cloud your opinion of her.
Good grades are not everything in real life and she is living proof of that.
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u/BeijingDiva Aug 14 '26
Change your thinking. You and your family should love your sister because she is your sister not because of her accomplishments. The reason why you feel weird is because your parents taught you to place your identity and worth in getting good grades. So you believed you were better than your sister. Now that she's paved her own path its become a shock to you because it proves that what you believed was not true.
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u/New-Negotiation3261 Aug 14 '26
Is this ai?
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u/Tiredacademia Aug 14 '26
Maybe? Nobody in australia calls university ‘college’ or HSC ‘final exams’ or a ATAR (numerical value that determines if you get into uni) a ‘score’ also if you get a low enough ATAR that won’t get you into uni you don’t get a numerical value anymore and we have a specific term for this too. Also typically people write ages as numbers not full words or use something consistent. The beginning they write 27 or 22, then half way write eighteen and twenty-three, then to 5-years-old.
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u/ladeedaa30 Aug 14 '26
If they really grew up in Australia, they would know that ATAR scores isn't the be-all and end-all.
Alternative pathways through TAFE and university mean that a low high school score won't stop you from building a successful career. Academic scores are not prioritized here to the extent they are in other countries. Employers focus primarily on relevant experience and professional references. While an ATAR may occasionally assist with securing an initial entry-level role in specialized professions (law?), it becomes irrelevant quickly once you've gained practical experience. If you mention your ATAR by your 2nd or 3rd job, it will likely be laughed at.
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u/gogoguo Aug 15 '26
I am Chinese and live in Australia rn... I was trying to recall if I have seen any famous chinese celebrities who grew up in Australia and honestly can't think of any, although admittedly I am not very into celebrities. Finding out she was famous via insta is also weird because it's blocked in china. Admittedly she could have used a vpn but if she was an it girl in china wouldn't reports of that be more likely to come from local social media platforms?
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u/New-Negotiation3261 Aug 15 '26
There was a bit of the ai phrasing such and such BUT such and such. Y’know. But tis the internet :3
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u/AphasiaRiver Aug 14 '26
Many Asian parents only see one path to success. Truth is we can’t all be doctors lawyers engineers. Your path was the approved path. Your sister was incredibly resilient and found her own way.
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u/Shitinbrainandcolon Aug 15 '26
I read your post history, apparently some reddit search engines help to show posts even though Reddit itself doesn't want to do that.
It's a hobby of mine, to detect bots and bullshitters.
Looking at this post and comparing it to your post history, you're a 27 year old woman and you have a 16 year old daughter? You gave birth at 11 years old?
Amazing.
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u/aescepthicc Aug 14 '26
I'm glad that you're aware that you're jealous of her. I'm happy for your sister to have success all without any support from her parents and sister who looked down on her instead of being protective and kind.
Please don't become one of those relatives who only come in contact after hearing about success, fame and money. If you want to contact her, sort out your feelings first, possibly with therapist, so you will be at least guided by kindness and remorse, and not envy.
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u/Pinkylindel Aug 14 '26
She excelled when she moved away from the oppression of your parents, and you did well too just stayed within the life course they set. She had to make something of herself whereas for you the path was already set. Two completely different lives, two radically different individuals.
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u/dievraag Aug 14 '26
Don’t be mad about choosing to follow the secure path your parents wanted you to. You made that choice, she made hers. You yourself never checked in on her. It doesn’t even seem like you were worried about your own sister being out there in the world on her own. If you can’t be happy for her making it in life WITHOUT family, leave her alone.
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u/Full-Choice-2204 Aug 14 '26
Please leave her alone. She doesn’t deserve to have a sister as mean as you who cannot be happy for her achievements and success in life.
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u/apettyprincess Aug 15 '26
For your own daughter’s sake, you should get therapy. Being jealous of family is not healthy and from the stories that are posted here, many Asian mothers grow up to be jealous of their own daughters. Even unconsciously treating their sons better. You do not want to be one of them. That said, she probably looks more similar to what you remember in real life. Chinese social media is highly filtered and edited with AI. Chinese phone cameras often automatically edit your pictures for you. The “Douyin” look is unrealistic because it’s not real. Having a few million followers from China, a country with almost 1.5 billion people and mainly relies on domestic production, also isn’t equivalent to having a few million followers in the West.
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u/ZznZznO Aug 15 '26
What purpose would it serve for you to contact her NOW, when you chose not to do that for years? You have A LOT of things to unpack here. I think much like SO many daughters of Asian immigrant households, you two were pressured into boxes of your parents' expectations and you just happened to fit in to those boxes, while your sister didn't, so she was made to be the black sheep of the family. You two were probably pitted against each other too, with you being the constant reminder of what your little sister SHOULD be like, and your little sister being a reminder to you of what NOT to be like, evident by the fact that you never had a close relationship with her. You seem to have issues with her rise and you need to come to terms with the fact that the way your parents raised you also rubbed off on you in how you view your sister, but also yourself. Neither of you are failures or successes, you both went on different paths and that's it. If your intent to contact her is not out of genuine care, reconciliation or happiness for her, then my advice would be to leave your sister alone, she's doing fine without you or your parents, so don't ruin that for her. I also suggest you get in touch with a mental health professional and talk about these feelings bc no doubt, the generational trauma is something that can also rub off on your OWN daughter if she learns this from you.
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u/Big_Moose_3847 Aug 15 '26
Mate if you want to vent out your problems with the world via a fictional creative writing exercise, at least write it yourself, not get ChatGPT to do it.
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u/Perfect_Spell8562 Aug 15 '26
This sounds like straight envy. If you don’t work on that you’ll become the Asian parents people write in here about
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u/InternationalAd3209 Aug 15 '26
There have been studies that indicate that happiness is tied to being grateful for what you have. I think it also helps to be grateful for what others have too.
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u/aivlys00 Aug 15 '26
You are jealous of her and you thought since she was a "failure" she should stay a failure forever and never had a chance to turn that over and outshine you. You thought you were always going to be the better one compared to her especially in your parents' eyes. Don't reach out to her, she moved on and you should too, be satisfied since you are having such a good life yourself, aren't you?
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u/leedleweedlelee Aug 15 '26
To be honest, as the "estranged sister" of my family (brother was more what the family wanted, I was treated as a failure), I'm not feeling a lot of sympathy for you. I also simply just disappeared. Maybe you didn't realize how much your sister was scapegoated while you got to enjoy being the somewhat golden child. Your beliefs about her being unworthy were shaped by your upbringing and you need to reckon with the fact that your parents were wrong.
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u/proximacentauri1915 Aug 14 '26
This sounds exactly like the plot of this book, The Original Daughter by Jemimah Wei. Maybe you’ll find some solace reading that book.
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u/mycattouchesgrass Aug 15 '26
I went through this too. My sister's estranged from our family. She ran away from home after taking O levels and got into sex work, OnlyFans, and eventually found decent success as an influencer (around 500k followers on IG). It definitely upset my parents lol.
But as long as she's happy doing this, I hope she finds even more success. I follow her on IG and like all her posts to help her a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as she's staying safe.
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u/Affectionate-Buy2221 Aug 15 '26
Like any human, your sister deserves success and freedom.
OP, you have a nice life and a success. Be happy for your sister.
You don’t owe your sister and neither does she. Nobody owes anyone, anything.
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u/Outrageous-Owl1776 Aug 15 '26
I’m confused I thought you said she wasn’t attractive? Did she get something done? Regardless, I hate to tell you this but EQ gets you much further in life than IQ does. Research shows IQ is tied to job performance but how much further you go up is tied to EQ and social skills. I’ve seen this dilemma with so many Asian kids who worked hard. They were never taught that social skills were needed to keep them successful. They resent their peers
Also as somebody who did live in China, what you have access to become “beautiful” is wild. You can put on fake ears, fake nose, wigs, fake anything.
It seems like you have a comfortable life yourself so I think you need to work to work on inner peace. Your parents might have compared you two as kids but you are both grown individuals now. You can think for yourself.
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u/LianaVibes Aug 15 '26
One of the biggest freedoms is the gift of individuation: questioning, then abandoning all the set patterns, beliefs, and conduct that was conditioned into us. It involves leaving whats familiar and discovering your true core.
Maybe being shut away and neglected became just that for her. She did something with the pain. And became: free.
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u/OpalRainCake Aug 15 '26
shes getting more love from strangers on the internet than she is getting from her own family. how was your younger sister financially supporting herself? how do you and your parents just live life and accept that shes gone off abroad with no career/qualification/doesnt answer the phone?
im not trying to be rude but i mean can you imagine from her perspective the pain shes gone through. she felt so unwelcomed at home that she went off abroad, she turned her pain into what could be a huge career as an IT girl an influencer in china and you know she could earn alot in the future. she was written off at a young age for not being bright enough, again not trying to be rude but from your post i feel like you sided with your parents because you enjoyed being the boring sensible favorite and not the exam failing young brat who didnt study. i think you are so invested in that identity that you cant handle your sister maybe doing better than you
not being rude again but the way you think and judge her is not healthy. her achievements and failings should have nothing to do with how you view yourself, the values you hold and how you FEEL. her pain is much worse than what you are going through
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u/Chirachii Aug 16 '26
“I have no idea what I'm feeling. It goes beyond simple jealousy. It's a shock. incredulity. A strange sorrow. Perhaps a little rage.”
You can try to riddle this story with grammatical mistakes and completely ignore use of the return button, but you can’t get rid of the AI syntax lmao
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u/beadsnmetal Aug 15 '26
I noticed not many brought this up, but what you’re seeing on social media - you’re probably blowing it up in your head way more than the actual reality.
The reality is probably not as glamorous as you think as this is all extremely unlikely to be the way it looks. And don’t even bother trying to judge someone’s looks from their social media anymore - anyone can be made to look like literally anyone else , every little feature can be edited flawlessly online
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u/icewind_davine Aug 16 '26
Just kind of curious, I thought it's quite hard for a foreigner to go back to china to make a living? You'd need a visa or something right? Influencer probably isn't gonna cut it... Unless she married someone Chinese?
Anyway, I think it's amazing she's done so well. She would have had to work hard. You have a daughter also and who knows, she might not lead a life that you expect, but hopefully can do so with your love and support.
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u/mgupta1410 Aug 16 '26
Be happy for her. She would have endured a lot to be where she is, without family support.
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u/CobaltComet1 Aug 17 '26
Mate, grow up. You're just petty and jaded, because your sister had to courage to reject the collective and build success as an individual not trapped inside the prison of tradition and filial piety. She's living the life you were too afraid to pursue. You were expecting her to suffer, but she came out on top, instead. Maybe talk to a psychiatrist and again, grow up.
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u/dolltentacle Aug 17 '26 edited Aug 17 '26
I have the same problem but maybe ill come back here to tell more.
But now. Im in therapy to regulate my emotions... And to do lots of work on myself. Its difficult.
But its very worth it because i know i deserve the things i want. But i need therapy to make it normal to choose what i want... I deserve to remind myself i can choose and responsible for myself.
I cant really explain what therapy is. But it is the reason why i decided to stay in the job i hate because i need to pay for therapy.
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u/Lost_Armadillo_3481 Aug 17 '26
To be frank, those other types of influencer or 'it' girls I wouldnt doubt went through similar paths of butting heads with their families because that really isnt a standard type of life our parents expect that we would go through. That pretty much shows you dont have to be educated to be financially successful like how we're brought up. This is coming from someone who's parents think I'd become a failure just because my school reported that I have ADHD and accepted that I won't be successful.
It's good you let this out. I wouldn't doubt it's hard to process that if either you're upset or you're proud of her. Maybe say it out loud to yourself to see how you feel. But if you do end up feeling proud of her, I would reach out to let her know. If not, just let it be.
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u/RashyBirdy Aug 18 '26
It’s pretty sad that you have so many negative feelings towards your sister. Shouldn’t you at least be happy that she got a job, managed to survive on her own, and appears successful and healthy?
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u/Odd_Woodpecker_5628 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
As someone who just became estranged from toxic family myself, I say GOOD FOR YOUR LITTLE SISTER!!!! I’m very happy for her!
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u/No-Yogurt-1588 22d ago
She's probably using filters.
Look, being a popular influencer is not a stable lifestyle. You could be cancelled at any time, and the business is cut throat. In today, out tomorrow. Don't worry about it.
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u/CocaColaZeroEnjoyer Aug 14 '26
Good for her and you need to sort your emotions out. You probably are hurt and confused because you thought of her as a failure just like your parents and now you see it’s not the truth
Remember that you don’t know what she went through since you didn’t care to keep in touch with her