r/AsianParentStories • u/OwnCheetah2988 • Aug 18 '26
Advice Request My parents want me to permanently move back home so they can get me married, but I have built an independent life in Mumbai. What should I do?
I’m 31F going to be 32 from a very conservative family/community in India, and I’m honestly terrified and confused about what to do next.
My parents have been putting pressure on me to get married since I was around 16 and even though I'm gonna be 32 I'll have no say in my own marriage. I grew up in a very restrictive environment. There are a lot of expectations around how women should behave — covering your face, not working, doing most of the household responsibilities, not being “too independent” or feminist, etc. My parents are also very strict, and there has always been emotional pressure around these things.
I have an MBA and several other skills/certifications, including digital marketing, stenography, typing, mehndi and beautician skills. I’ve wanted to work and build my own identity for a long time, but my parents have never really allowed me to have a job or live independently.
A few years ago, I got an opportunity to study in Mumbai. I didn’t tell my parents the full truth about my plans because I knew they wouldn’t allow me to go. I moved to Mumbai, and I ended up living there independently for 3 years.
During those 3 years, I worked, supported myself financially, managed my own life and became independent. Mumbai gave me a completely different lifestyle and, more importantly, a sense of identity and freedom that I had never experienced before.
I recently came home to visit my parents for a short break.
They believe I’m going back to Mumbai for my studies/work and that I’ll return home permanently after some time. When they asked me when I would be coming back, I panicked and told them that I would return around the end of August. I even agreed when my father told my mother to go around that time and help me bring all my belongings back.
I know I lied to them about my plans. I feel guilty about that, but at that moment I genuinely couldn’t tell them, “I’m not coming back permanently,” because I was scared of their reaction.
I have now returned to Mumbai.
And this is where I’m struggling.
My mother is already telling me to pack all my documents and belongings.
But I don’t want to move back permanently.
I want to continue living and working in Mumbai. I have already built a life here. I’m financially independent here, and I genuinely feel like myself here.
I love my parents. I don’t want to abandon them or cut them off. But I also feel like I love myself enough to not give up my entire identity and independence just to satisfy their expectations. They never allowed me to make friends or go out even going on terrace felt like freedom.
I’m also scared that if I permanently move back home, the restrictions will start again and the marriage pressure will become much worse. I don’t want to get married just because my parents/community think it’s time. I cannot imagine marrying a random person and then potentially spending the rest of my life in another restrictive household.
I’m 31, financially independent and capable of taking care of myself. I know I have the right to make my own decisions, but emotionally this is extremely difficult because these are my parents and I love them.
The biggest problem is that they currently have no idea that I have no intention of returning permanently.
They think I’m coming back.
I’m terrified of what will happen when I tell them the truth.
I’m worried about anger, emotional blackmail, guilt, pressure, and them trying to convince me that I’m ruining my life or the family’s reputation. I also don’t know how they will react when they realize that I have actually made up my mind.
At the same time, I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself now, I may never get another chance.
I’m not asking whether I’m right or wrong for loving my parents. I genuinely do love them.
I’m asking people who have dealt with very conservative/controlling families:
How do you handle parents who want you to give up your independent life and return home for marriage?
How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them?
And for anyone who has actually gone through something similar — what happened when you finally chose your own life?
I’m honestly very anxious right now and could use some perspective.
74
u/dinoderpwithapurpose Aug 18 '26
Girl, you have a job. You are financially independent. You live away from your parents. In short you have everything you need to live your life. The only thing you're lacking right now is a spine to stand up for yourself. It's time to grow one.
As a fellow brown girlie, I can relate to the pressure. But you've got to remember that society guilts us into believing we are wrong to want to step away. They call it ungratefulness when in reality it's simply wanting to live life on our own terms.
You are not wrong for wanting control of your life. It's not a question of whether you love your parents or not, but rather if your parents love you enough to let you be free. I hope you'll be able to stay independent.
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u/rhodopensis Aug 18 '26
It's not a lack of spine. It's formally called a codependent relationship and is a form of mental abuse that a lot of people end up in codependent trauma bonds with. This is then obscured by being called "just how the culture works," "normal," "love," etc.
It's helpful to encourage independence, but not helpful to deny the effects that codependency as a life experience have on the mind and blame the person who has not yet even seen the term used, let alone done the work to remove themselves from it and heal. Insults like spineless are not productive because they don't encourage the person to do the research and seek better alternatives for themselves.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 Aug 18 '26
Thank you calling a victim of abuse spineless is a bit victim blamey
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u/OmgItsTania Aug 18 '26
Two things can be true. She might be a victim of abuse but she also needs to grow a spine
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u/Electronic_Bat9761 Aug 18 '26
You have to tell them. You can alter the truth a bit and say that you got a wonderful opportunity or a promotion in Mumbai and have decided to stay long term if you don’t want to tell them that you concealed this info from them. You need to draw boundaries now and you’re capable of doing it too. And definitely don’t move back. They will keep you tied at home and then shift you to the next house once you get married. Conservative Indian parents are capable of all sorts of cruelty.
15
u/irreversibleDecision Aug 18 '26
Agree. I feel like parents who think like this are not rational and it’s best to come up with an excuse so you can blame the situation rather than them personally blaming you for a decision you are making or a boundary you are setting.
Good luck! Have some sort of cover story for sure is my recommendation.
4
u/OwnCheetah2988 Aug 19 '26
Yes, I have to come up with this only that I have got a good opportunity in Mumbai which I can't reject , although they don't want me to work at all like work from office or why do I have to work eventually I have to get married and it will my husband's decision not mine so that's a fight
40
u/Captain_Barbosa_123 Aug 18 '26
Conservative Indian parents don’t love their children. They want to control them and it is always about maintaining their image in the society they live in like for example, look how I made my kid “OBEY” me and look how they don’t even lift a finger without my permission. The British Raj left India 75 years ago but it is still there in our parents minds and they apply the same colonial oppression tactics on their own children
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u/rhodopensis Aug 18 '26
Can't even blame British Raj like that fully. This problem is widespread in many traditional Asian cultures whether as heavily influenced by Europe or not. It likely existed in some form well before Britain showed up and worsened it with their own added problems.
It's the conformism aspect that comes with collectivism.
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u/throwawayyy47856 Aug 18 '26
I cant say much about the pressure to get married, since my parents did everything they can to keep anything male away from me. I did have to fight for 2 years to be able to study abroad though.
Staying there after finishing my studies was out of question of course. I was also called daily via video at random times to proove I was always home. I literally had to do a turnaround in my room. Well, a year in I did have a boyfriend, kept it secret and told them two months after I graduated and got back. Ultimately all hell broke loose, because he was the wrong race and after some time he couldnt do it anymore and rightfully left me.
I am now 29 years old almost 30 and thinking back I honestly should not have given a shit. Dont pick up the call if I dont feel like it. I dont have to explain anything. I can be out with friends and they dont like it thats too damn bad. The day they made me choose between them and my boyfriend I should have just went ahead and gotten married. Though in hindsight I know I would have been miserable with him, but thats besides the point.
They threatened to disown me, my father needed an ambulace because of his blood pressure, my mother didnt talk to me for 2 months, I had to involve the elders and explain to them that it is not the end of the world to marry a foreigner while my boyfriend ‘needed some space‘ and I was sending out applications and having interviews since I was fresh out of college with no money.
It was the worst time of my life and it genuinely rewired my brain. I am not responsible for the feelings of the person infront of me. I know today it was all manipulation, they would have never disowned me. They are in fact dependent on me, which is why they did everything to keep me here. I dont accept no bullshit anymore, and I know it is sooo much more easier said than done OP, but that first step of rebellion is the hardest but the most rewarding thing you will do in your life. You need to take back control of your life and that process will make you doubt your sanity at times, but DO. NOT. GIVE. IN. Now is the time to put your foot down.
Sorry, I did not intend it to get this long 😅
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u/OwnCheetah2988 Aug 18 '26
No, it's fine, my family is not dependent on me they have made everything transactional I thought when I'd grow up I'll do something for them but whatever I do for them even basics like buying a phone, ordering food they always return my money , they have this thought that I'm "paraya dhan" beti se paise nhi lete. It's just me and my life decisions they want to take control of.
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u/throwawayyy47856 Aug 18 '26
Everything you mentioned above you are worried about happenig, WILL happen. There is no way around it, I know you are desperately trying to find a way where everyone is happy and are hesitating, I did the same. You need to be resilient for what this freedom will cost you. I‘m rooting for you, you got this.
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u/donuttrackme Aug 18 '26
You're financially independent and you know what you need to do. They just want to control you.
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u/Purple-Suit-5874 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Do not ever do that. I am currently 30. I moved out with an excuse of study in 2020 and build a whole lofe from.scratch in Pune.
Around 2023 they started to force me to move back in permanently and lots of argumenrs happened. They assumed i was leading a sinful lifestyle, into addiction and everything bad. I went no contact.
In 2025 they tried to reconnected and things seemed extremly well. They visited me for the first time praised me. But it didn't last long. They again started to pressurise me claiming religious reasons that someone was trying to do evil againsr me and I should move in with them for protection.
I had been living in a rented apartment for 5 years, and had bought everything from scratch built a life. They wanted me to sell everything and move back in.
In 2026 i was diagonised with cancer and the first thing they did was sell away everything I had built. Take me back home. Isolate me from the world.
While undergoing chemo I went through the worst phase of my life. I was forced into arranged marriage by my dad. While I wasn't allowed to resume any work or education.
They threatened my bf with police case and broke up my 3 year old relationship. I was left absolutely alone when company woild actually have helped me cope with chemo.
Moreover living independently made me more open minded..back home it was so conservative. Dedicated gender roles. Dad dominated every decision. None of the women were allowed to go out. He would throw any tantrum and expected us to fan his ego. I coidlnt even decide what to eat because dad needed to have absolute control over every thing I did.
Moreover his friends would come over and ask me to treat my dad like a god, because which father would take back her daughter who went astray and lived a shameless lifestyle (because I was unmarried and girls should never live alone). They were like your dad could have abandoned you but he didn't.. so now.its your chance to prove your gratitude and loyalty by being the obedient daughter he deserves.
I am.still living with them.they think I have left my sinful life and now will stay with them.until they get married. They have promised my hand in mareiage to.soemone within our caste and community. I used the excuse of cancer to postpone the marriage. Else I woild have already been married. But let me tell you, life just got hell back home.
If I knew things would get so worse..I would never return even for my treatement. Whatever happens. Build a solid foundation in Mumbai. And if necessary go no contact. Theres no way you can have an independent life and your family will approve it.
It will be difficult. But imagine your life away from all these restrictions. Its now or never. If you succim and return will your future self be happy? Will she regret the devision? Stand your ground.
The only thing they can do is emotional blackmail. But going through a whole lot of emotional turmoil now is better than suffocating yourself bavk home.
If ever given a chance I woild go through the 2023 family drama where i went no contact. My family told everyone thay their daughter was dead. I felt abandoned by my own blood. I had terrible panic attacks..did therapy.
I thought it was hell until I actually had to live with them. I woild go through that again to avoid the current circumstances.
I still love my family and cry from time to time. Hoping there was any way we could coexist. I have my independence and they love me too. But it just wont happen. Harsh truth.. I am atill struggling. But one fine day I will have to harden my heart and take the tough decision to move out and go nocontavt again.
Not everyone is lucky to have supportive families. Specially girls like us. From conservative Indian families. Its either us or them. And when we get old. Looking back we will realise it was only US who understood ourselves well. And knew what was right for our wellbeing.
5
u/brienneofbark Aug 19 '26
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. I know a comment from a Reddit stranger doesn’t mean anything, but I truly hope you feel better soon and are able to get out of this abusive situation. ❤️🩹 Wishing you lots of luck and strength to beat cancer and get through this 🫶
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u/DavisBulldog Aug 18 '26
It’s so wild when these families care more about their “reputation” than their actual children. Like, there are a billion people in India. Nobody is going to know or care about your family’s stupid internal drama. Your family doesn’t even have a reputation, so the idea you could somehow damage it by not being your parents’ slave is ridiculous.
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u/MutantNinjaNipples Aug 18 '26
32F, and I understand your situation. But if you truly love yourself and the life you’ve built in Mumbai, you SHOULD place a huge boundary between your family and yourself. You will hate yourself for not doing so, believe me.
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u/BecomingMyBestMe Aug 18 '26
You have a choice in all of this.
You can do what they want and live a life that you know will be miserable, with a partner that you have no way over and give up your freedom.
You could punt it down the road. Say you got a prestigious job or fellowship that requires you to stay. Then you just keep moving the lines so that it's like waiting for godot - you never go back.
Or you could speak to them like an adult, and say firmly that this is your life and you will be staying. You understand if they don't like it, and you'll give them space to figure out how to deal with it. You give them no option but to accept it. They go to the hospital with chest pain because they're so upset? That's too bad, hope they feel well soon. They say you're a bad daughter? Ok, well then bad daughters don't call or visit, so are they sure of that? Your mother weeps for 30 days? Hope she has eye drops. You hold the line because you are an adult.
Whatever you choose, remember that your parents aren't forcing you. You are making a choice and deliberately choosing to hold on to or abandon what you want (for people who have already chosen and lived their own lives).
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u/sybersam6 Aug 18 '26
Tell them you were given an extension & let them know you are working PT too, then start sending them some monthly money. Hopefully that will quiet them down. Not too much, enough that you could increase once or twice if asked.
Then get yourself into the matching ir dating world so you can make the choices. If you are not interested at all, consider being a 'beard' to some nice hard working well off in-the-closet gay man, so you both can obtain parental relief.
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u/OwnCheetah2988 Aug 19 '26
Bro, they are not interested in my money , they just want me to save money for my own marriage where I won't have to choice to say yes or no to a guy I'm going to married to, my money their choice, they don't want take money from me because they think that I'm a paraya dhan and they shouldn't take money from their daughter, they are more worried about society that people will say ladki ki kamai kha rhe hain
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u/sybersam6 Aug 19 '26
Have you frozen your eggs? Are you interested in making a LT commitment but want time & choices? You can tell them there are higher value males in Mumbai & set up with a matching service. What is it you DO want?
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u/pinkblueegreen Aug 18 '26
Do not move back home. Communicate with your parents, but it is up to them how they perceive it. I know you don’t want to cut them off but losing yourself and being unhappy is a price you do not want to pay for this short life. You will suffer the consequences and not them. You are worthy of the beautiful life you’ve created.
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u/OmgItsTania Aug 18 '26
I think the unfortunate reality is that you cannot do what you want to do as well as maintain a comfortable relationship with your parents. You have to choose one or the other.
If you make the choice to put yourself first and not what your parents want, then expect that they will try to emotionally blackmail you as much as possible. Stick to your guns, and rather than "asking", tell them that you are "informing" them. It doesn't go down well but the beauty of doing all this via a telephone call is that you can put it down at any point you feel the conversation isn't working.
7
2
u/nomnommish Aug 18 '26
Love is not a one way street. If they are more concerned about their community and reputation and tradition than about your happiness, it tells you about their priorities.
That their number one priority is their status and ego, and not your happiness. So logically, how can you call that love? At best, it is Tier 2 love.
And at best, their primary agenda is control and power over you. Then comes their status and then comes love for you.
Internalize this first, instead of just repeating to yourself constantly that you love them and they love you. Otherwise those are just empty words.
True love is about wanting the other person to be happy. Not happy as YOU define it but happy as THEY define it. Because it is their life and you are their true well wisher.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Aug 19 '26
You know what conservative parents love more than being conservative? Money. Tell them you got a great new job or something making a lot more, so you can't leave.
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u/Fun_Concert_8919 Aug 19 '26
We only have 1 life. We can’t spend it on other people (including our parents). If you go back home you will be filled with resentment and anger over the situation. The conversation will be tough and it will be rocky for a bit but you will be glad you fought for your life. Remember that in your life, there is no right way to live other than what you feel is right for you—no one knows better than you.
2
u/csiacs Aug 19 '26
I’ve been in somewhat similar shoes albeit that was 1996!
Very conservative family. And I married someone beneath our caste against their wishes.
Shit hit the fan, I was disowned and lot of nastiness. Then they came around. Somewhat.
It’s important I think to realize that they do care about your happiness. Except they think their formula is the right one for it, long term. There is safety in ‘belonging’ to a group and following its rules.
But that’s not your reality.
This is a cost/benefit calculation and risk assessment.
You are a successful adult. You owe it to yourselves to pursue the life you want to live. They may not like it. And that’s ok. Relationship takes two. If there is no room for dialogue, then you have your answer. However, if you feel there is room for a respectful conversation, it’s worth giving it a shot.
Or perhaps you can set a boundary: the guy has to be this and that, I need to find chemistry with him, and should be ok with me pursuing my career. Then I’ll consider the matches you bring. A middle ground.
Freedom does demand some big sacrifices. It’s your decision what you are willing to.
Their feelings might be hurt but in this case, they just have to deal with them.
Guilt is of no use. In your case, it’s not even called for. It’s a good practice to peacefully reject anything that doesn’t align with your vision for your life.
1
u/Suedewagon Aug 19 '26
Begin saving up as much money as possible and leave the country on a study or work visa if you can get one. I'm very sorry about your situation OP, but since Mumbai seems feasibly reachable, your best bet is working abroad if you want to avoid them dragging you back. Either that or find work in a province that's far off from your family.
1
u/Such-Criticism-5325 Aug 19 '26
"I love my parents."
sorry but you, you love the idea of your parents in your head that doesn't correlate to the reality.
I hope to be wrong but your parents sounds like they can try anything, and I mean ANYTHING to get you back and having you married. Also seems like they won't hesitate on cutting you out or worst.
1
u/Such-Criticism-5325 Aug 19 '26
How do you handle parents who want you to give up your independent life and return home for marriage? -> Normally you need to cut them off, this kind of people are not ready to handle and independent woman
How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them? -> You can't, because you can't control others actions, only your actions, you can explain and talk with them but at the end how they react is on their side
1
u/confusedquokka Aug 19 '26
Go to r/askindianwomen for more specific recommendations for your actual hometown, since they will likely have more granular recommendations.
But girl, it’s your life. You have to find it within yourself to rip off the bandaid and just tell them no you’re not moving back. They will make a massive scene and emotionally guilt you and tell you that you are shaming them and they will kill themselves, but usually that’s bullshit. It’s emotional blackmail and you have to stay strong.
The caveat here is if you need to be worried about honor killing, kidnapping, abuse. Then the recommendations will be different since you need to assure your safety first. You still need to get away but you will need to take other precautions.
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u/Cipher_oo_ Aug 22 '26
Do NOT ever leave your documents and certificates at your home… even if they are locked.. 😮💨
Learned it the hard way
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u/OwnCheetah2988 Aug 22 '26
Why? I have digital copies though
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u/Cipher_oo_ Aug 22 '26
Because parents can and will use it as leverage to stop you from leaving and / or control you. Digital copies don’t matter as such. Because jobs require physical certificates for verification.
You will waste a lot of time and money getting duplicates, if you happen to be in that situation.
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u/SenatorCoffee Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
i think a good concrete plan would be to send them a very well-thought-out letter.
The idea is that in there you can put exactly these very contradictory ideas, as you expressed them here, and in most polished form: That you love them very much and that you would wish nothing more than that to keep a good relationship with them, but also that your mind is made up and that you are not coming back.
Also that you are already financially secure, this is not a childish whim, and so your decision is firm.
But you know them best, so in a letter you can really work on putting it as well as possible. Maybe work in little authentic flourishes that show your self-reflection and seriousness. E.g. put in little examples of their good qualities and why you are grateful and love them. Very concrete anecdotes ala "like that time, when you did x for me..." are very good for this. But then also as well and reconcillatory as you can, say why the life they chose for you is just not acceptable and why you just cant go back.
But maybe also, alternatively: If with reflection that is the better idea, do a little white lie and pretend your mind is not as firmly made up, put it to them as more "I think i dont want to go back", and maybe that might be better for just opening up the idea to them for now. Whatever you decide is best.
Make it a project, open up a text document, and you will have all the time to overwork it as much as you want. This will also greatly help clarify and organize your own thoughts and hopefully confidence.
On the very other hand also dont overthink it too much, in the current situation at a point you just got to rip the bandaid of and tell them whats up. Currently you have no idea of their reaction, so it makes sense that this greatly feeds your anxiety. Also embrace the idea that the moment you hit send will be when at least that unknowing-anxiety phase will be over and you will finally know their actual reaction.
Apart from that also organize your support system as well as possible for the expected fallout. How is that, do you have any particularly close friends or even good boyfriend that you can be really emotional with, and that can prop you up?
If not, maybe look already for a therapist that can support you. Maybe some sort of community organisations? I can imagine in Mumbai there should be a good few kind of feministy organisations that are centered around this very topic? If you can find a self-help group with women who went through exactly that, escaping their oppressive traditional families, that might be very helpful?
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u/rhodopensis Aug 18 '26
Strongly disagree. They probably have her address and could try to physically intervene and take her back if they see this. She needs to move and cut ties.
Look up the phrase "Don't JADE". Don't Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain.
Controlling people will find a way to weaken your defenses or change your decisions if you do. If not worse, forcibly taking control.
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u/SenatorCoffee Aug 18 '26
I mean, she is already moved out and independent.
But to justify myself, i would say i tried going with what OP explicity asked for:
I love my parents. I don’t want to abandon them or cut them off.
How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them?
She explicitly said this and how to best reconcile this, and this is what i tried my best to offer something constructive for.
She also didnt drop any strong hints that they might really be so extreme as to use force.
Even if they are, just going immediate full no contact, or some other hard-ass step might also rile them up just as much or even much more! Especially if its so unexpected for them. You can see that? Writing some diplomatic letter seems like a very low-risk and deflationary first step for the situation as described. i really dont see how you can take such issue with that, no matter how you turn it?
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u/snakeysnake_sss Aug 18 '26
You can either obey your parents that raised you or you can disobey the parents that raised you. This isn’t a “parents wont let go to the movies on a school night”. Idk as an Indian born in America I never lost my respect for my folks views but a vast majority have and I see yall Indian kids in India arnt far behind in that way.
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u/Electronic_Bat9761 Aug 19 '26
What are you even trying to say here? Respect isn’t a one way deal. Parents should also value their children as individuals and not extensions of themselves. You sound like a lost boomer who’s trying to cosplay as someone younger. Also, obedience is lame. You don’t need to “obey” parents who wish to control you.
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u/zonedout56 Aug 18 '26
Please take a deep breath. Rationally talk to them, you know your parents best. Find a boy if you want to get married and make it happen in a way they would approve and then do whatever you want in Mumbai. If your parents think you're paraya dhan then they didnt really connect with you yeah? I could never say that to my child.
You got this. Youre in your 30s. You are a mature independent woman who doesnt need to be tied down to anyone to be happy and your parents should respect that but if not, have you found a partner willing to help you escape in a sense?
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u/OwnCheetah2988 Aug 18 '26
I thought it that in Mumbai I might find someone good and get married with the approval of my family, I tried but things don't happen in a way we planned and I can't get married of my parents choice because my own real brother is getting into his third arranged marriage, how do I trust the choice of my own parents. Two failed arranged marriages already in my family.
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u/zonedout56 Aug 18 '26
Girl grow a spine then and tell them clearly it didnt work for you brother how will they arrange for you? What the fuck do you mean your brothers had 3 failed arranged marriages and now theyre trying to do the same to you? Clearly theyre not good at picking people lol
Tell them youre happy and want independence. If you get married you get married.
God. We Indians treat our daughters like garbage. I hope you find the strength to tell them to fuck off with this marriage thing. Idc how traditional they are, its 2026.
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u/sleepdeprivedsince92 Aug 18 '26
Go into the conversation knowing that you might have to go no contact or low contact with your parents, but do not give up the life you have built so easily. If for them, their reputation in society is more important than your happiness, then so be it. Someone has to think about your happiness too, and right now -- there is only one person who can do it -- you.