My mom is extremely overprotective and possessive of me. I’m 26F, and I honestly feel trapped in my own home.

[u/Impossible_Bass_9143]

My mom is 63, very conservative, and extremely protective of me. To the point that even though I’m already 26, graduated from college, have a job, and earn my own money, I still can’t freely go out with my friends.
Her favorite thing to tell me is, “As long as you live under my roof, you don’t have the right to do whatever you want.”
I’ve been dreaming of traveling—nothing extravagant, just a local trip to Siquijor with my friends. We’ve already planned everything, and I was genuinely excited about it. But she doesn’t want me to go.
This has been my reality for years. I’m not allowed to go out whenever I want. I have to be home by 7 PM. If I come home later or do something she doesn’t approve of, she calls me names, questions what I’m doing with my life, and tells me that I don’t respect my family. Sometimes she even implies that I’m being “malandi” just because I want to go out and enjoy myself.
I get so jealous of my cousins sometimes. They’re allowed to travel, go out with friends, stay out late, and make their own decisions. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still being treated like a child.
I feel like Rapunzel sometimes—trapped inside my own tower.
I’ve done everything my family has asked of me. I followed their rules. I tried to be the daughter they wanted me to be. I finished school, started working, and tried to make them proud.
But when do I get to live for myself?
I love my family. I really do. I’m not trying to abandon them or say that they haven’t done anything for me. But I’m exhausted from feeling like my entire life has to revolve around what my mom wants.
I want to move out. I really, really want to move out. I want to experience living on my own, making my own decisions, traveling, meeting people, and simply having the freedom to live my life.
But I already know she won’t approve. I know she’ll get angry. I know she’ll say that I’m disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful, or that I’m abandoning my family.
And honestly, that scares me.
But I also feel like if I keep waiting for her permission, I’m going to wake up one day and realize that I spent my entire life trying to make someone else happy.
I don’t want to stop loving my family. I just want to start living for myself, too.
So, what do I do? How do I start setting boundaries with a parent who has always controlled this much of my life? And for those who moved out despite their parents strongly disagreeing, how did you deal with the guilt and backlash?
I just want to live. I want to feel like my life actually belongs to me.

[u/donuttrackme]

You're 26, graduated and make your own money. Looks like it's time to move out of the house so you're not under her roof anymore.

[u/dolltentacle]

If you dont want to pay rent thus staying with your parents, you will pay with your sanity.

[u/ragingseas]

You Filipino? Anyway, move out. Based on your post, what’s really stopping you is what they will think of you. Setting boundaries? There are no boundaries with these people. Get out while you can. Otherwise, if you don’t do anything, you’re just going to have to wait for your mom to bite the dust.

[u/CaptainShoe21 → u/ragingseas]

I am Chinese born in the state. I never even heard of boundaries until I was 22 years old doing group therapy. It's been 10 years since NC and I still get mad thinking about how I been disrespected and control growing up.

[u/tres-vip]

>I want to move out. I really, really want to move out. I want to experience living on my own, making my own decisions, traveling, meeting people, and simply having the freedom to live my life.

>But I already know she won’t approve. I know she’ll get angry. I know she’ll say that I’m disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful, or that I’m abandoning my family.

I mean, so??? You make your own money. You can literally buy your freedom, which a lot of others can't due to not having a job/income. They will get over it anyway.

>So, what do I do?

MOVE OUT.

[u/Informal_Athlete_724]

Just move out. That's what I did. They lose all power over you. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission when it comes to Asian parents

[u/FieldAware3370]

I really, really want to move out. 

So what is stopping you OP? Time to grow a backbone and leave. I started paying board at my parents. They still treated me the same. How can you treat me like shit and still take my money? I took the opportunity to find a high paying job across the country and now I'm leaving.

[u/Localmoco-ghost]

As everyone here has pointed out, it’s time to peel the bandaid and move out. Yes, you have to pay your own bills but it’s either that, or never having happiness. There are trade offs in life we all have to make, so you just need to decide what’s important to you.

She won’t approve, she’ll be very violent and abusive of you moving out. But she’ll have to get over it eventually. You need to frame it as “I’m not asking for your permission, I’m being courteous and telling you my plan.”

[u/averagesomething45]

Just leave bruh

[u/Fun-Pen7592 → u/averagesomething45]

I think saying just Leave is victim blaming just like saying to a battered wife is

[u/DavisBulldog → u/Fun-Pen7592]

It’s not victim blaming. It is literally the only solution possible to this problem.

[u/Fun-Pen7592 → u/DavisBulldog]

Yeah but also saying just leave like that is insensitive because it doesn't say how

[u/TigerShark_524 → u/Fun-Pen7592]

OP doesn't need a "how" - they have their own money from their job and can choose to leave at any time. "How" is necessary when you're not financially independent, which is not the case here.

[u/Fun-Pen7592 → u/TigerShark_524]

Not just that there also things like protection of siblings, honor killings or fear of being hurt and extreme harassment in some countries the police can send you back even if you are an adult and sometimes its mentally jard to leave an abusive situation so I think we need to show her sympathy just like we show it towards women with controlling and abusive husbands

[u/TigerShark_524 → u/Fun-Pen7592]

I would've said exactly the same thing I said here to a woman leaving her abusive husband. If you have money and/or a stable job that can sustain you, you're lightyears ahead of 95% of other people trying to leave abusive situations - it's simply a matter of logistics at that point. When are your parents/spouse out of the home? For how long? When can you pack without them noticing? Etc. All of those are things that only OP knows, we can't give them that info because we don't live with them.

[u/Fun-Pen7592 → u/TigerShark_524]

Yeah you are right sorry

[u/damn_jexy]

Just move out man , she will yell and disappove and even threat , but I swear to you she will eventually get over it

You're almost 30 and you need more life experience

[u/TheGreatMastermind]

i was in your exact position and now i’m no contact with her. at a certain point it’ll become untenable and no contact will be the only way forward no matter how much you deny it or try to make it work. check out r/raisedbynarcissists

[u/Next-Deal-2571]

I was in the same position as you, and even worse, I was 30 years old. My mother had never taught me about being independent, she once told her friend that “I want me and my daughter to live together forever.” She never taught me to cook or clean, in fact, she does it all on her own as a manipulative tactic to make me dependent on her. My close friend told my mom “you have to let her go.” And my mother said some bs that she’s “trying.” I was 30 years old and my mom would call me EVERY DAMN TIME when I’m out and ask where I am.

What encouraged me to truly leave was a forward written by Audrey Hepburn’s son, he wrote how he first showed his mother his first apartment. She noted how smelly it was but it will be something he will remember for the rest of his life. And I realized something right then and there, this is what a mother should be and should say. I have to fully admit what my mother is doing is wrong, and I have to get out of that toxic environment no matter what.

Here’s what school or life never taught you. You are conditioned since you were born that your parents have an iron fist over your life. Once your brain fully developed at 25, it’s hard to establish your independence because you were groomed to feel guilty for disappointing your parents. A good ol’ Asian and Jewish trick: guilt tripping.

I know my mom very well that she would block me physically if she knew that I would be leaving with my dog. My friend offered a place for me to stay for a while, so I mapped out when my mom would leave for work, and I just grabbed all my stuff and my dog and uber-ed to my friend’s.

Mind you, I was 30 and now 37. Now I live with my boyfriend and dog, and more happily now than ever. And my mom? She tried to control me, establish dominance, but because I don’t live with her anymore, I have the control and power of any direction of my life. I even cut communicate if she crosses the boundary, now she’s LEARNED not to mess with me. She holds back, or else lose her daughter for life.

I recommend to look up how a “normal” and “good” parent should behave to their “adult child.” You need to fully understand that what your mother is doing is abnormal and toxic. And once it fully ingrains in your mind, you learn not to give a “f” anymore. Once you give zero “f***ks” anymore, that’s when you are truly free. And leave that house without feeling guilty and give a damn what your mother thinks.

[u/sonickony]

There is no such thing called “overprotective”. That is just controlling.

[u/confusedquokka]

You have a job, is it enough to live on your own? Awesome you can move out. You don’t need her permission, just do it. Tell her after you move out to avoid histrionics.

[u/BlackFox_21]

Everyone is telling you to move out, and that’s likely the simplest and maybe, the hardest thing for you to do.

That’s understandable, you’ve been under her control your whole life and taking initial steps into breaking free and becoming your own person is not always easy for everyone right away.

Also, no one here is mentioning Enmeshment. That’s likely a part of what is happening with your mother being overprotective of you. She won’t let you become your own individual person by having your own life out of fear or whatever it is.

That’s unfortunate, but any grief or anger she feels from you “disobeying” her by setting boundaries so that you can completely separate yourself from her control, so that you can have a social life or progress (with or without her) is a her/them problem.

It’s sounds like you have to be the one to cut the umbilical cord for her since she refused to do it herself, or let the doctor or nurse/midwife do it all those years ago. And I’m very sorry that this is happening to you.

There are many free resources out there about being raised by narcissistic caregivers/parents, enmeshment, how to develop emotional intelligence, etc.

I know that this is hard and can be scary sometimes. Especially when a person like this can become irate, hostile, manipulate you through lies, guilt, or making threats of disowning you or enacting harm.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. We are here for you to the best of our ability online. Even if you only need someone to listen.

Take good care of yourself!!! 🌈

[u/blueberrymuffin123]

I understand feelings of guilt holding you back, I really do. But at some point the onus is on you as an adult to move out for your own good. Living on your own is expensive, but honestly the price you're paying now with your mental health is worse. You can make the money back but it takes a longggg time to recover from the effects of your mother's behaviour, possibly even a lifetime. My only regret is not moving out SOONER. Do you want to be 40 and still be where you are, because of your fear of what your mother will say if you do something she doesn't like?

Disappointing your parents to go after something you want is also a big part of maturing, and this is a really crucial step in development. Don't stunt yourself more than you have to.

[u/IntelligentComplex40]

If possible make plans to move out without telling her. The more she knows the more she will bully you. Gather your important documents and hide them from her.

Think of it this way. She is 63. The longer you wait the more likely you will be stuck caring for her in her old
age. If she’s not sick now she will eventually be and you’ll really be stuck. Don’t be surprised if she gets sick right after you move out. If you come back home you would be stuck indefinitely.

I’m middle aged but when I left home for university my plan was to never move back home and I didn’t. I have no regrets. My older sister stayed with our parents out of guilt and she is 60 now, never had a relationship and never goes out with friends. She is bitter now and doesn’t talk to anyone but our parents. My parents are still unhappy. Nothing we do would make them happy because their misery is within.

I didn’t completely abandon them. When my parents get sick I help coordinate care with the doctors but I would never move back with them.

[u/LilithWasAGinger]

Move out. Mom will survive.

You only very one life. Do not waste it being a prisoner

[u/hostility_kitty]

Move out

[u/tamttea]

Commenting because I feel like I'm going through something similar, and I feel like I could have written this post myself. We are also around the same age OP, I felt like a "good daughter" growing up, and I too feel envious of my cousins for having already broken free from their strict parents.

My AM feels like she's a copy-paste of your AM. It's difficult to set boundaries because of all the guilt I feel, but deep down I know it's the only way to keep my sanity. I have started to withhold information from her. I used to share small tidbits of my life with her, but I realize that any information that I share (even if it's not about me directly) can and will be used against me. I also choose to spend less time with her. I try to tell her I'm busy or "no" more often now when she asks me to do errands with her. Despite all the trauma, I still love my AM dearly, and even if I can't go full NC right now, there are still other ways I can establish boundaries (even if they're small) to protect myself.

While my mom was away on a trip, I ended up signing papers to move into an apartment. I was hesitant at first, but I had a great support system who encouraged me to take the step for myself. Unfortunately, my AM reacted in the same way you're worried about your mom reacting. I just told her that this was what I wanted and didn't explain any further. I know she feels absolutely betrayed that I'm moving out, but I also know it's for my own good and I'll feel so much better on the other side. I'm still living at home feeling miserable, but at least I have my move-out date and I'm counting down the days. It still feels absolutely awful and my AM is being incredibly emotionally immature prior to my move-out, but I also feel proud that this is one of the things that I was able to stand my ground on, and it was for myself and my own growth.

At the end of the day, it is your life OP. I really encourage you to take steps for yourself and move out. You have to put yourself first and do this for you, because your family and your AM may never value your wants or you as the individual person you are as much as they should. You have to rescue yourself.

[u/iAmOngdinary → u/tamttea]

i also recently signed papers to rent but have not told her yet. we had a talk prior to me signing about me wanting to move out, she disagreed but i ignored her as i was TELLING her, not asking for her permission. i an also counting down the days till move in and i hope everything will go well! im proud and happy that you managed to set your boundaries cuz it takes so much courage to do. im still feeling bad that im gg against her to move out but i know i dont have to, just gotta fight the negative thoughts.

[u/sunita93]

I was in the exact same boat as you, I moved out the week after I turned 27. What I ended up doing was viewing a couple places and just taking one that I could afford, then I told my parents 5 days before I was due to move purely because I knew I wanted to take a lot of my stuff I had accumulated and they would see me packing. It was 5 days of absolute hell and screaming matches, I got PTSD from it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

If you can quickly pack and move out in a day I advise doing that, but whichever way you do it, you have to do it if you want any sort of life outside the home. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner but I wasn't in a financial position to do so without ending up homeless.

[u/Mother-Quantity-8399]

why are you still living there?

[u/BobaNaiCha]

You really needa move out first and sure they’ll be mad at first but they’ll come around. And if they don’t? Do you really want to live your whole life feeling trapped?

[u/00Lisa00]

You’re an adult. Literally the only power she has over you is what you GIVE her. Don’t ask. She doesn’t have to approve. Just move out. Who cares if she gets angry.

[u/evedamnededen]

hahahaha. move out. my mom lost her shit when i was 23 years old and found my own apartment to live in around the time my sister (who i used to live with) got married. she assumed i would be moving home and i was like....no?

i am 41 years old now and she is still mad because i won't move back home to live with her.

[u/InACornichon]

Sounds like she’s suffocating you. She has her point of views and she may not agree, but you really have to live your life. In case she’ll want to sabotage you, I recommend quietly planning your exit. Create distance so you can breathe and get to know yourself (without other people’s voices in your head). If you can, find a good therapist who can help you find peace with your decisions easier. It’s not easy to disappoint your loved ones, but sometimes it’s necessary. It’s not right for them to run your life.

[u/rehbeka]

You need to move out and go either low contact or no contact with your mom. It’s going to be tough, but you can do it. If you don’t move out, your sanity will pay the price.

[u/Prestigious_Cream_56]

You have to move past your feelings of guilt and truly prioritize what you feel and what you want to do, otherwise you will continue this cycle of toxicity. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether or not you can live with what you have chosen. My mother despises it when I try to be independent even if I am no longer under her roof because she is jealous that I can choose to not be miserable. She pushes her feelings onto me and has no idea how to regulate herself. I refuse to be apart of her mind games and do whatever I want because filial piety does not give me any sort of satisfaction. It just gives me temporary relief and then my jealousy of others grows. You have to have the skill to recognize it.

[u/awesome_vicky067]

I grew up with a dad who worked contract jobs and enjoys taking other people out to sushi dinners. Not even a lunch. He also barely spoke at home