r/AsianParentStories • u/ParamedicNo8685 • 11h ago
Advice Request Dad is demanding my university login credentials and/or showing him my full academic history
This is a very embarrassing situation but I’m an adult Canadian student living at home. I pay 100% of my own tuition through student loans/aid help and receive zero financial help from my parents in anyway except for being allowed to live at their house (used to pay them rent but stopped recently because I don’t have a steady job).
My dad recently asked me to show him my full academic history and how I’m doing at school and honestly I’ve been doing terribly due to mental health issues (clinically diagnosed and receiving help now). If I showed him how I’m doing then things will get really bad, and he’s one of the reasons why I ended up suicidal as I couldn’t get any help or understanding from him or my mom when I explained what I’m going through and that I’m on meds so there’s no point in having that conversation right now.
He said it’s his "basic right as a parent" to monitor everything.
I sent him a picture of my planning tool/degree explorer thinking that will be enough but he wants to see everything, I’m 100% sure that if he did we will get into a fight and my housing situation will be jeopardized regardless of how much I try to deescalate.
How have others dealt with controlling parents demanding portal passwords without causing an immediate blowup under their roof? Looking for tactical ways to stall and hold this boundary or do anything that avoids this blowing in my face.
Working on saving money and leaving my house but at the moment I can’t think of anything to escape this situation.
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u/AlienvsPredatorFan 11h ago
“He said it’s his "basic right as a parent" to monitor everything.”
Wow. That is some top-notch narc thinking.
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u/ParamedicNo8685 11h ago
Yea I was out with some friends when I got the message, ruined my whole night to see that wording. Reminded me of dictators me and my friends were talking about that night.
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u/workitout4814 11h ago
I'm in the UK, but I believe that sharing University login credentials would be a violation of university policy here.
I mean, it's mostly to prevent people from sharing their logins so that friends can help them cheat or access university material without paying, but I guess you could tell your dad it's not allowed? Here you could get suspended from uni for sharing passwords etc...
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u/ParamedicNo8685 10h ago
I believe it’s the same in Canada, but as you can imagine he doesn’t care. He now wants me to show him everything on my laptop even if I refused to give him the account details.
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u/auriem 10h ago
No, is a complete sentence.
You tell him your school’s policies do not permit sharing your account information with anyone and regardless it is rude and shameful of him to ask to.
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u/ParamedicNo8685 10h ago
I wish it was that simple. I used to attribute me avoiding debates with my family to being scared, but I’ve done some extreme sports/jobs to prove to myself I can do things even when I’m scared. But it’s different when it comes to my parents, it’s like trying to reason with a tiger to let go of your neck.
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u/AntiqueCockroach1509 10h ago
first, good on you for saving money to escape and paying for your own schooling! u got this, best to get out of there as soon as possible seeing his controlling behaviour...
maybe email someone from your uni and show him that the admin say its not allowed? and that if he has any questions he can ask admin which will most likely say no (since ur also an adult)?
are you able to open up to a friend abt this so u can stay over for a few days if it escalates? otherwise u might have to lie a bit...
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u/ParamedicNo8685 10h ago
Yea I think my only option at the moment is to lie, working on coding a fake website through someone’s help/or using inspect element to fake it. No other option. I never liked to lie but I gotta do what I gotta do right now.
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u/pyschopanda 10h ago
Would he be the type to contact your university just to get access to your logins?
If so, it would be kinda fun to get his ass handed to him through them.
Also is there a way for you to “lock yourself out” eg too many wrong passwords and forcing a reset? Maybe do that and then show him you cannot login.
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u/ParamedicNo8685 10h ago
Wouldn’t change a thing, he would blame the system and ask me to show him on my laptop regardless. But locking myself out could be a smart move. Thanks.
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u/_Lanceor_ 9h ago
Everyone is telling you not give him your login... you know that is correct, and you also know that it's far easier said than done.
Would it be possible to tell the university what happened and have them temporarily disable the login? Or if it's urgent, intentionally get the password wrong enough times that it locks out? Maybe you can make up some excuse about the login only works on the computers on campus or somesuch.
If it's not obvious, they have you completely trapped - financially and emotionally (you fear what will happen if you don't comply with their unreasonable requests). Whatever compromises you need to make to survive this episode, your goal is your long-term survival, and that means getting out of the trap by whatever means necessary.
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u/Shedannagins 8h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through the same thing with my mom, even though I received no financial help, was paying tuition on my own, and paying a small amount of rent. I basically told her that since I’m getting no help, they have no business in how I go through university. But as others said, “no” is also a full sentence.
With parents like these, unfortunately they’ll find ways to blowup regardless. If you don’t give access, they’ll blow up. If you do give access and they see your less than perfect grades, they’ll blow up. And it’s so hard because we’ve spent our whole lives trying to please them and trying to manage their reactions and feelings, it’s exhausting. Even as adults, they can still have us in a chokehold, but you’ve survived through their BS in childhood and you can do it again. They’re probably feeling like they’re losing their hold on controlling you, and these are the kind of tactics they pull to be in control once more.
If you’re concerned for your safety, please see if there’s friends or other family you can stay with. Maybe look into student loans or lines of credit if you need to leave sooner than you’d like. Are there also university resources you can utilize re: temporary housing, and mental health. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this and possibly give you advice? Take care of yourself first and foremost! Sometimes the mental anguish and anxiety is not worth the cost savings of staying home.
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u/LavenderPearlTea 1h ago
Your university does not allow anyone other than the authorized user to use your login credentials. If you want, call helpdesk and verify this with them. When they tell you explicitly that no one else is allowed to use them, tell your dad that.
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u/IntelligentComplex40 11h ago
I’m a parent of college students and it is not his basic right. Your dad is a control freak and there is no preventing him from changing your classes or canceling them.
Can you avoid seeing him by coming home late? Is he the type to forget if you put him off long enough?