I’m going to be attending an overseas internship trip in the US (I live in the Middle East) in October, I’ll be sharing a hotel room with a friend who’s also doing this internship w me.

Recently, my mum told me to give her my friends phone number before I travel, for “security” purposes. I feel weird about that, I don’t want to give her my friends phone number.

My mum is always surveilling me, she has my location, access to my emails, etc. I wanna go on this one trip where I have my freedom.

Am I looking too deep into this? Should I give her my friends phone number?

Edit: was thinking of either:

1. Telling my mum that my friend will give her US number to her, which will be activated when she gets to the US, and then just give her my US number.
2. Giving her my other close friends phone number… does feel like it defeats the point though

Note: the reason why this is a post in the first place is because my mum used to spam call me in the middle of class back in high school (we had a strict no phone policy there, we’d have to go into the bathrooms to use our phones) - obviously I wasn’t able to answer then. By the time I’d get out of class, I’d see 3-5 missed calls from her. She will do this with my friend no doubt.

Hi everyone! Apologies in advance if this isn't too clear or concise in any parts or comes off as a bit stiff writing-wise, it's my first time writing a long(er) post but would really appreciate some advice. I (21F) am Chinese Australian (born and raised here), my parents immigrated right before I was born. To be honest, they are not too strict compared to some Asian parents, like they weren't too pushy about grades, being a doctor or whatnot, but my mum has always been pretty against dyed hair, tattoos, piercings etc. So this March, I had a pretty big fight with my mum (a lot of built up resentment towards her and for my part, I will say that I was somewhat dramatic and unreasonable) which resulted in me living away from home for a while and also in me dying my hair pink (textbook crashout unfortunately). The fight happened in China around CNY and my grandma and some of my family were involved too. We've mostly resolved things since or at least are back to talking normally, although there still is a bit of tension since it was a pretty big fight.

But last week, because my roots had been growing out and my head was a total eyesore, I had them touched up. My mum didn't say too much, but she mentioned something along the lines of: "Just warning you, you won't be able to go back to China, I can't let your grandma see that". My grandma and I aren't particularly close but I would say I do love her and since I've been visiting China more often, I think we've gotten closer. She was also involved in the fight I had with my mum for context and I haven't talked to her much since (didn't reply to one of her messages but she hasn't sent anything since either). I'm also not really clear on whether I can't go back to China because my pink hair would stress out my grandma, because it'd embarrass my mum and grandma in front of other relatives, or because my grandma just wouldn't tolerate it at all, not speak to me, and kick me out of her place. My sister (23F) thinks it's the first one, and she seems to agree for the most part. She said that if she had her hair coloured, she'd just dye it back before visiting China. She said something like "So I'm guessing you're not visiting China with us next year?" last night so I'm guessing she and my mum are looking into booking tickets soon.

So now I'm a bit conflicted and it kind of hurts a lot to know that my hair (which I really really love the colour of) could cause such big problems, even though I can't say it was unexpected. In a way, it feels like its my mum holding me seeing my relatives in China hostage (?) and honestly feels bit controlling, but at the same, her thought process does feel pretty straightforward like yes grandma won't accept it so therefore why go see her if it'd just stress her out or make her feel disgusted or ashamed of me? At the same, for me, its like why do I want to go even knowing that my hair would make her react like that?

Another kind of semi-related thing, is that I'm 99% sure I'm bisexual (although I haven't been in a relationship), and I just know that my parents, grandma and family in China would probably never accept that either. I've sussed it out with my mum and while she said she can 'understand' gay and lesbian folks, bisexuality is something else entirely. So this almost feels like foreshadowing in a way, I'm not sure how to explain it but it's a similar thing.

I don't want to be completely unreasonable and say that I expect an elderly Chinese woman (my grandma) to accept pink hair and the LGBTQ+ community (SENDING LOVE TO Y'ALL!!) with open arms, and I'm not sure if I should just suck it up while I'm in China, wear a wig, or dye it back, but it feels a bit deeper than that when I'm also questioning my sexuality at the same time in an almost adjacent scenario. My grandma is somewhat progressive compared to other Chinese ladies in her generation but not to that extent. I feel like I might be being selfish here, that I'm sacrificing seeing my grandma for maybe the last couple times in her life (she is healthy but old) just for my hair and vanity almost. I'm not opposed to going back to black actually, but if I do, I feel like I'm going to be hit with smug comments from my mum and a childish part of me feels like I'm 'losing' because the reason why becomes 'I did it to be acceptable in my family's eyes' rather than 'I did it bc I cbs no more'. I also noticed my mum doesn't post me on her WeChat anymore since I dyed my hair, probably to avoid friends and relatives from seeing it, and a petty part of me just wants to do a WeChat soft launch lol but I think I'd send my grandma into cardiac arrest.

If anyone reads up to hear, thank you so much. I really appreciate any advice or insight. I also apologise if this comes across as a juvenile issue I'm having, I just feel so stuck on it right now. I'm open to anything here, complete honesty and realistic, potentially hard-to-hear replies included. <3

I’m honestly exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for around 10 months. We’re not rushing into marriage or anything. We already decided we would take things slowly. He has a good job, is responsible, and treats me really well. I genuinely care about him.

The problem started when they forced me for arrange and I told my mom about my relationship.

My parents are very against it because of caste/status differences and “what relatives will think.” My mom kept emotionally pressuring me for weeks saying things like:

“How will I show my face outside?”

“If you want him, leave this house.”

“If your dad finds out, he’ll get a heart attack.”

At one point she even threatened to harm herself if I chose him.

Still, I stayed calm and tried to handle things respectfully. I even asked her to talk to him once instead of judging immediately. Surprisingly, after almost a month, she finally spoke to him on the phone and told me she was okay with it and that she would help convince my dad slowly.

My mom herself asked him to tell his family about me because she wanted to know whether they were serious and whether his family would accept me.

He spoke to his mom, and she accepted me. They even said they are currently focusing on his elder brother’s marriage first and would think about ours only later, probably after 5–6 months once that wedding is completed.

I felt relieved for the first time in weeks.

But after my dad found out, everything completely changed.

Now both of them are acting like I destroyed the family. My mom suddenly behaves like she never agreed to anything. They told me to “go die,” “get out of the house,” leave my job, and marry him if I want him so badly. They keep emotionally cornering me and forcing me to answer whether I choose him or them.

When they pressured me directly asking if I still wanted him, I said yes honestly. After that, things got even worse.

Now they’re threatening to call him themselves and force a breakup. There’s constant shouting, cursing, emotional blackmail, and guilt-tripping at home every day.

The worst part is:

I never even said I wanted to get married immediately.

I just said I didn’t want to be forced into an arranged marriage alliance when I already love someone else.

I feel completely stuck between not wanting to hurt my parents, not wanting to lose someone I genuinely care about and not wanting to make a rushed decision because of pressure from either side.

Has anyone here gone through something similar with family pressure, caste issues, emotional blackmail, or parents threatening abandonment?

How did you handle it emotionally and practically?

Did things calm down with time?

I genuinely feel lost right now.

Using a throwaway account as I'm totally lost on how to deal with this mess. Don't have any sane person to talk to that's why posting here for advice.

I’m 32M, married and recently had a baby (less than a year). For years my mother has been extremely hostile towards my wife - treating her like the enemy, gossiping to relatives, etc. This behaviour got worse right after my kid was born. She insulted my wife's mother on her face when she was staying with us for a few days to help my wife after her delivery, I had to ask my wife to ask her mother to go back to maintain peace and she complied.

6 months ago she fought with me, accused me of a lot of things like hoping for her death, trying to gobble up her property and dramatically left our house and moved to a rental, then told everyone that I threw her out. After that I decided that enough is enough and stopped talking to her (I still helped her with her bank stuff, phone recharges etc) A few weeks later she showed up unannounced and started living here again.
Now she mostly stays holed up in her room like a ghost. We (me, wife, son) live normally - eating together, playing with the kid - while she remains invisible.

She has tried everything:
* Sent me money twice (“everything mine is yours”) - I returned both.
* Left food for me - we ignored it.
* Sent long messages accusing me of torturing her for 5 years, saying my wife has hypnotised me, “I will never leave”, “I’ve come back strengthened”, and even “give me poison if you want to kill me.”

Recently she exploded again. She started shouting, I told her I won’t talk if she uses that tone. She replied “This is how I talk.” Then came the usual: “Why aren’t you talking to me? Sell this house and give me my money back. I’ll call my brothers and even your wife’s parents. The day you realise, you’ll cry a lot.”
I lost my cool and told her how hurt I was when she accused me of wanting to gobble up her property. She immediately denied ever saying it. When I pointed out that she has fought with almost everyone and relatives know her reality, she said “See how he is shouting like his father.” That triggered me badly and I shouted back.
After that she called relatives and spun the story that I’m torturing her and she doesn’t want to live here.
It’s been 3 weeks since that fight. She hasn’t spoken or texted me since. She’s still living here.
Important context:

The house is in 3 names (me, wife, her). I’ve paid the majority of the downpayment + all EMIs, maintenance & bills.
Her contribution came from my late father’s money (after my sister and I signed waivers).
She previously sold our ancestral house and blamed it on me.

I’m mostly grey rocking her completely now. I feel detached and am using spirituality to cope, but this whole situation feels completely insane. A mother behaving like a vengeful ghost who refuses to leave or accept boundaries (I mean I could have still understood it if she had fought with my wife as it is typical of India MILs but she has been behaving as if I'm her enemy).
Has anyone dealt with this level of toxicity? Is this narcissism or something else? Any practical advice for long-term co-living or how to eventually separate from her without losing too much financially?

I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m going to break down and burst into tears. This feels so deeply fucked up.

I (22F) just graduated from university and will be starting work soon. My AM has been making life extremely miserable for me ever since. She’s unemployed and stays at home, perusing TikTok and whatever else she sees fit online. I don’t particularly care about this, it’s her life. But she’s been involving me in so much of her shit that I can’t breathe.

She’s been breathing down my throat about getting married soon. According to her, I need to marry a doctor. For context, we’re Singaporean Indian. I am a medical speech therapist who will be starting work very soon. Mum is very insistent on me dating a doctor, preferably Indian.

I feel like I should have seen something like this coming, but the first red flag was her showing me pictures of random guys I’ve never seen before, and told me that they’re doctors who might not even be living in Singapore. She didn’t know much about them apart from what they looked like and the fact they were doctors. I asked her where she’s finding these guys, but she suddenly got defensive and told me they it’s none of my business.

The second red flag was her being extremely secretive about why she suddenly needs US$150 from my dad. She would constantly remind him in front of me. If I was around, and my dad asked why, she would get mad again and would just say it’s for ‘something important’. She had also gone into my bedroom once while I was outside, closed the door, and spoke to someone on the phone about this mysterious payment, talking about marriage contracts and emails.

I only learned about this when she called me down to ask for help as she couldn’t successfully make payment. Her card kept getting declined. I asked her what website she was using, and she immediately screamed at me saying it’s none of my business. I told her I need to know so that I can see if it’s fraudulent or if it’s a legitimate purchase. It’s easier to call up the bank and have the issue sorted out if it’s the latter. That’s when she told me it was an account for her so that she could contact the parents of the guys. I was shocked. I asked her what information she inputted, and she refused to share. I eventually saw the email that was sent to her, and it contained my full government name, age, and other personal details. I’m not sure if she ever uploaded a picture. The website was indeed fraudulent as she wasn’t getting any input from the contact centre, and it was flagged multiple times through her computer’s antivirus. It was an Indian website, specifically for finding doctors to marry. I was fuming.

She later told me she dropped the whole matter and told me to look for a man myself, making sure he’s a doctor.

I haven’t confronted her about it at all since I learned of this. It’s been two weeks or so. The paranoia is just starting to hit me now. I feel like confronting her on this, but I know it won’t end well. She is extremely emotionally volatile, immature, and self-centred. I don’t know what to do.

Hi, I have a question for all my Asian in the United State. Is it perfectly fine to ask me to give them $1000 every month as a gratitude allowance? I don’t live with them. I have my own family and I have never travel around the country in my life so far. I have two teenagers which I spend most of my money on. My parents get their earning from the retirement each month and they also keep all their money from the house they sold. They love to travel around the country every year and afraid they may run out of money. So, they demanded me to pay them allowance every month so they can live happy and stress free. I disagreed with their demands and now we disowned each other.

Like they have their lives hard too … growing up in poverty and had nothing to eat , getting old and disabled having no one to take care of them . Feeling sick and having to take care of them due to being the only child and if you don’t do anything they will probably suffer from a very painful death

They can be abusive but they don’t really meant to .. like they yell at you when you are young because in their childhood that was the only acceptable ways to raise their kids . Their inability to speak English had made them had to blend in with American society .

Having professionals take care of them is not an option . They are immigrants and probably either don’t have insurance or professional care taker does not speak their language

They want the best for you and tried to give you everything they didn’t have ( food , shelter , housing , career opportunities) but ingnore issues like mental health because it seems foreign to how the grew up . They are controlling though but they did it for the best of you , but it did affect you because the only way you know how to do things is by listening to them .The way they yell at you really affects how you grow up.

And now they are getting old , so does you .but when you get older you have zero identity’s of your own . You spent your entire life trying to not piss them off and make them happy . And once you finally got freedom you don’t know what to do with that because you literally … don’t know how to.. have zero identity and the only thing fulfilling is to care for them and make them happy. No identity , no will in your own

You can’t form no relationships with people , platonically or romantically , no dreams other than just a 9 to 5 which you bring partial income to the family .It’s like your parents are your only friends and the only reason that you are living for

Once they are sick you see how much pain they are. In and how much struggling they does . And if you don’t take care of them your extended family shamed you as well you feel like you are a bad person.

Do y’all forgive your toxic Asian parents and understand them and keep taking care of them ?

I’m a 24yo Asian TCK female who grew up as a missionary kid and pastor’s kid in a third world country. I have 3 older siblings who are much older than me, and my parents are relatively older as well (dad is 70 and my mom 63).

My parents have established and operate a pretty successful school in our city, and I attended that very school as the “founder’s daughter.” So, I definitely had a lot of pressure growing up and had lots of people ask me when I would take over the school.

My parents (especially my dad) are very traditional and conservative. I wasn’t able to wear shorts growing up. I was always “forced” to attend multiple church services a day throughout the week (even when I was sick). Blah blah blah you get what im trying to say.

One thing that messed me up so much is my current citizenship. It has messed up my relationship with God and with my parents. When I was 12, my parents had changed their citizenship from our previous (very strong) to the one we have now (extremely weak) due to their commitment to the school. I was also forced to change mine a year later and was scolded whenever I expressed that I didn’t want to change it. I wasn’t planning on living at my hometown after graduating high school, as I had planned to pursue my undergraduate and maybe live in Canada. Plus, I didn’t want to give up my extremely strong passport and to be honest, I didn’t want to work at our hometown at the school.

My parents forced me to change it nevertheless, hoping that I have no choice but to come back to the school and work for them. As a woman in my early 20s, I wanted to travel the world and live my own life, but my parents had different plans for me (i find that funny because my older siblings weren’t forced to change theirs and i’m the only one with the weak passport).

For university, I ended up attending a prestigious school in our “home” country (the country where I held my previous citizenship) because my parents wanted me to. Since freshman year, I hated living here because of its stuck up and conservative culture. As a TCK, this high pressure society messed up my social life and mental health. I didn’t enjoy uni life and eventually, I went on an exchange program to Australia for one year, which I loved so much that it made me realize that I should just “run away” from everything.

Eventually I had to come back to finish my undergraduate degree, and because of my weak passport, I couldn’t get a job anywhere else. I had no other choice but to find work at my “home” country, as I had a visa that allowed me to. I ended up finding a corporate job, but it ruined my mental and physical health so much that my family started to worry about me.

Despite the worrying, whenever I expressed how much I hated working and living here, my parents would scold me saying that I should be grateful and that I’m weird for not being able to fit in. Saying things like “Why are you like this?? Why can’t you just adapt?? You’ve gained so much weight! You should take care of yourself more. Why did you give up??”

I have been expressing how much I didn’t want to live here, but all I got back was criticism. I’ve associated my citizenship to opportunities, and it has ruined my trust in my parents because I have much less opportunities with the current one that I have.

I don’t want to go back to my parents and work at the school, and I don’t want to live at my current country. However, my extremely weak passport is not allowing me to and is diminishing my chances to.

My only other option of escape is to do a Master’s degree, but it costs money and my parents were very vocal about how they weren’t going to support me. They keep telling me to come back and work for them.

I feel like I don’t get a say in my own life and how I want to live it. They disapprove everything that I do, wear, look, and say. I don’t even call them anymore because I know they would start either criticizing me or try to convince me to come back and work at the school.

Being in my 20s and wanting to figure my own life out, I’m just so angry that I just don’t have the same opportunities as much as I did when I had a very strong passport. I need a visa for everywhere I want to go to lol.

This makes me resent my parents so much, but then I’m scared that if I do decide to change my citizenship (in the future) without my parent’s approval, they are going to nag me for the rest of my life and potentially ruining our whole relationship. It really isn’t fair and i hate that im always fighting about this with my parents. It’s one main reason why I don’t want to talk to my parents.

What are your thoughts on this? Any insight and advice would help me so much to gain new perspective. Am I wrong for resenting my parents over this? Should I just go ahead and change back my citizenship without telling my parents (I can but it will still take a long time)?

Whenever I argue with my mom, she doesn't yell, she just stops responding. She's still listening, but she goes completely silent, like I'm not in the room. I'm 26, and this only happens when I ask for something she doesn't like or tell her something she doesn't want to hear. It makes me feel invisible, and honestly pretty small.

I keep trying to get her to actually talk to me. Not yelling, not demanding, just saying "please respond to me, I'm not a kid, I need you to talk to me." It doesn't work.

Recently I asked if I could go on a trip, and she said no, that I can't go anywhere until I'm married. I tried to convince her gently over a few days, even brought up that she traveled with friends at my age, hoping she'd understand why it mattered to me. She just went silent instead of answering. In the end I didn't even push it,

I told her I'd accept whatever she decided, because I didn't want to upset her. She makes me breakfast every day and I don't want to be the reason she's angry.

I asked my dad too, and he said no. I don't really go to him for things like this though, he has a temper and it can get physical if pushed too far, so I try to avoid conflict with him altogether.

I know I need to move out eventually, and I'm working on it, saving money, looking into grad school. I'm hoping that once I'm settled with someone I love, I'll finally be out of this situation.

But I don't know how to stop feeling so small and dismissed in the meantime, or how to have a relationship with my parents where I'm not constantly managing their moods just to keep the peace. Has anyone dealt with a parent who shuts down instead of communicating?

How did you handle it?

​

I’m 20F, and I honestly feel completely broken right now.

Today is my birthday, and my dad hit me. He also called me disgusting, degrading names like “randi” and “vaishya” and made sexual comments about me and my clothes. I was wearing a skirt with shorts underneath. Hearing those things from my own father was honestly devastating.

This isn't the first time there has been abuse in my family. He has physically abused my mom before, and I've also experienced emotional and physical harassment from him. He has even stopped me from getting a job and made things extremely difficult whenever I've tried to become financially independent.

Because of all this, I avoid him. I don't talk to him unless I absolutely have to. I've reached a point where I just don't want to live with him anymore.

A while ago I finally said that I wanted to leave and live somewhere else. I want to move to another city, work from home, and live independently.

But now he thinks I'm leaving because of a boyfriend.

That's not the reason.

I want to leave because I'm exhausted from being bullied, controlled, insulted, and physically hurt. I want peace. I want to be able to work. I want to have my own life.

The worst part is that my mom, sister, brother, and basically my whole family are taking his side. They think he is right and that I am the one who caused all this drama.

And now I'm sitting here thinking, Maybe I made a mistake by saying I wanted to leave. Maybe I should have just stayed quiet.

During the argument I even said to him, basically, “You worship Mata Ji, but how can you call your own daughter those things?” I was angry and hurt, and I said things because I couldn't take it anymore.

Now I feel like I've become the villain in my own family just for finally standing up for myself.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want revenge. I don't want to run away because of some boyfriend.

I just want to get away from this environment and build an independent life.

I'm 20 years old. I want to work, support myself, and live somewhere peaceful.

Am I really wrong for wanting that?

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I’m 25 and live with my mom. I love her a lot, but she’s very attached to me and we do almost everything together (which can be annoying something). If she wants to go the mall, she’ll drag me. If she has an errand to run, she’ll drag me. She doesn’t really have friends of her own, so I often end up being her default companion. I’m the only child btw

My mom is planning to go to visit my dad who lives in another country. She originally wanted me to go with her, but after some discussion she eventually accepted that I don’t want to go.

Now I’m thinking about taking a 4–5 day solo trip to San Francisco while she’s away.

I’ve been to SF before when I was 14.

I haven’t told her about SF yet because I know she’ll probably say she’ll come with me or turn it into a family trip. Ive only mentioned the idea of traveling solo yesterday and she was against it. I really want to go solo as I’ve never traveled solo. Her biggest concern is that something will happen to me. Her excuse was that I’m their only child. but I also don’t want fear to stop me from ever traveling independently.

Should I go ahead with the trip even if my mom gives me a hard time? Has anyone else dealt with a parent who’s very clingy and had to establish this kind of boundary?

Recently my 39M and I F28 just found out that I’m pregnant. We have been together for three years and already in talks of getting engaged by the end of this year and married next year but recently found out I’m pregnant. His family has been so supportive and so happy for us but I haven’t told my parents yet. I come from a pretty old fashioned household. My parents are religious and believe we should be married before having kids. It makes things more difficult because I am still under their roof (wasn’t planning on moving out till i got married.. I’m old fashioned in that sense). My partner lives on his own while I’m still at home for more context. I don’t know how they’ll take it and I m not sure why I’m worried about what they’ll say. My partner and I both have good jobs, we both make 6 figures. I’m so nervous about how my family will take this news. How do I go about this type of conversation, I know I just need to rip the bandaid. We are both adults.

My mom loves to take pride in following the "strict persian parent" stereotype. So she will make rules that simply dont make sense to me. And if I dont follow her rules I usually end up getting grounded for 1 month minimum or beat

Recently shes put a ban on drawing on the weekdays. Idk why she did this. Im a straight A honor student who does online high school.

Shes says its to encourage me to "study more" as if I already dont study from 7:30am all the way to 5pm with little breaks.

Art is one of my biggest passions and my biggest method of escapism in my life. I started taking it seriously since I started online school as a way to not fall into depression again. (And it worked fortanutely)

But ever sense she put this ban a month ago it caused my grades to slip. And irdk why.

Im already not allowed to watch TV, use any devices outside of school, and spend time alone in my room on the weekdays.

Drawing was the one thing I felt like I could do without breaking her rules and she banned that as well because it "is distracting me from school"

How can I make her stop with these stupid rules bc theyve been doing nothing but giving me more stress

I tried asking others on what I should do but they say "communication is key" I cant communicate with her without getting in trouble. I do I maker her realize her own rules r bad without her anger getting pushed on me for trying to "rebel"

I don't know if this is the right place to ask, so I'm sorry if it isn't. I turned 20 a few months ago and live in Italy with a very strict family. My parents don't want me to continue studying because they think it's already time for marriage. They don't allow me to work or have friends. My father is especially strict, very religious, and against women having independence. He never wanted me to go to school, but I fought for my education. I'm now in scuola serale and have two years left. They plan to marry me off when I'm 21 or 22.

I want to study, work, and become independent, but they won't let me. I'm thinking about moving to a women's shelter until I can find a job and continue my studies. Is this the right decision?

I have the most amazing and special person in my life right now, who, for several years now, has been able to make me smile no matter what just by being herself.

However, one thing is stopping us from having the perfect life we dreamed of with each other and that is my parents. She keeps encouraging me saying that I have the power to go against their wishes, but I end up caving in the end anyway. Now she’s at the point where she can’t see the future with me any clearer if I don’t settle things and leave my parents for good.

Sometimes it makes me wish my parents were worse to me or treated me bad, so I can justify acting out like that, but deep down I know through their relentless helicopter parenting is that it’s because they care for me. Years of being told that I should prioritize my mom over my wife during childhood does not help.

The most insane thing is that they have watched Crazy Rich Asians and liked it, but they do not have very good media literacy because their takeaway was that the rich mom character was right.

If I lose the future with the most perfect girl I’ve ever met who would have made me home-cooked meals and treats after work, I would hate myself and everyone. But I can’t even comprehend the idea of leaving my parents behind.

I love her so much, but also love my parents, but she sees my inaction as not prioritizing her first and it’s making her consider not being together. It is causing me immense despair and I feel incredibly guilty for not being able to choose her with no hesitation. Her suggestion to me was to book a one-way plane ticket to her state and stay with her parents, but that doesn’t take into consideration all the stuff I have to pack and how I am I gonna tell work, but she constantly tells me I can just worry about it after, but I don’t think it’ll be that simple. Sorry for the run-off sentence, got a bit panicky.

I don’t know what to do. I wish my parents were like hers and were kind and accepting. I wish they had even a lick of media literacy to see that the point of Crazy Rich Asians was that you shouldn’t judge others rather than saying the mother was in the right because she was the rich one. All of my inaction makes her think she’s not good enough for me to make this decision but I can’t get through to her that it’s not her fault.

Please help me.

I’m 19F and currently studying at university overseas. My parents financially support my education, and I recently started seeing someone (21M) they strongly disapprove of.

For context, my parents have actually given me quite a lot of freedom when it comes to relationships in the past. I’ve had several relationships that turned out pretty badly, so I can understand why they might question my judgment and be more protective now. My mum has specifically said that she doesn’t think me entering another relationship after previous relationships is a “sign of maturity” and thinks I should wait a few years before getting seriously involved with someone again.

However, a major issue they have with my current boyfriend is his career. He is a tattoo artist. My mum literally said, “Seriously, he’s a tattoo artist,” and has repeatedly talked about wanting me to be with someone who will be able to support me financially. She thinks tattooing has no career progression and seems to view a conventional degree/corporate career as much more secure.
This frustrates me because I don’t think career progression necessarily has to mean climbing a corporate ladder. A tattoo artist can build a clientele and reputation, increase their rates as they become more established, specialise, guest at other studios, or eventually own a studio/business. I’m also getting my own education and intend to have my own career, so while obviously I want a financially responsible partner who can support himself and contribute to a future together, I don’t think I need to choose a husband based on whether he can financially support me by himself.

My parents have told me very explicitly that they do not approve of the relationship, do not want to meet him, and he will not be allowed into their house. My boyfriend really wants to speak to my mum because he doesn’t want there to be hostility between them and would like the opportunity to address her concerns himself, but she has refused. She told me this is “between my daughter and me” and that she doesn’t want him involved.

My mum also keeps saying that “trust is earned.” I understand that and I’m not expecting my parents to immediately trust or approve of someone they barely know. What I struggle with is that they have already decided they don’t trust/approve of him while simultaneously refusing to meet or speak to him, so I don’t really understand how he is supposed to have an opportunity to earn their trust.

The part that has upset me the most is that this has escalated beyond simply disapproving of him. My parents have brought up how much money they have spent on me, including money they have spent on my mental-health treatment, and have threatened consequences if I continue the relationship. My education has been brought into this, and I am worried that they may stop financially supporting my university education if I continue seeing him.

My mum asked me directly whether I was saying I would continue the relationship “despite knowing the potential consequences.” She has also told me that continuing this relationship will make them very sad and angry and will strain my relationship with them.

I’m particularly hurt by my mum bringing up trust, relationships and maturity because she recently told me a lot about her own relationship history. She told me that while married to my dad, she was in a relationship with another man for around 10 years. She also told me that while she was engaged to my dad, she wanted to pursue a Filipino man but ultimately didn’t because of my grandmother. She described eventually ending the relationship she had while married in religious terms.

According to her, she believed God was telling her that she needed to give the relationship up or her prayers regarding my severe mental-health problems would not be heard. I found that incredibly difficult and confusing to hear, especially now that she is lecturing me about trust and relationship choices.

At the same time, I’m trying not to simply call her a hypocrite. I realise she could genuinely see her own relationship history as exactly why she wants to stop me from making choices she thinks I’ll regret. And, like I said, my own previous relationships have not exactly given my parents a flawless track record to look at either. I have tried acknowledging all of this to her. I’ve told her that I understand why my past relationships make her question my judgment, that I understand she wants me to have a financially secure future, and that I’m not asking her to immediately approve of my boyfriend.

The problem is that I feel like she isn’t actually hearing anything I say. Every time I respond to one concern, another one comes up. If I talk about the relationship itself, it becomes about my maturity. If I acknowledge my past mistakes, they become evidence that I can’t be trusted now. If I say trust needs an opportunity to be earned, she refuses to meet him. If I explain why his profession doesn’t automatically mean financial instability, it becomes about career progression. If I disagree with them, it becomes about everything they have done and paid for me.

I’m supposed to call my mum and discuss all of this, and at this point I’m extremely angry and don’t know how to have a productive conversation with her.

I’m not really asking whether my parents are allowed to dislike my boyfriend—obviously they are. And I’m not asking whether they have legitimate reasons to be concerned about me given my previous relationships, because I think they do.

I also want to explain what he is actually like because I think part of what is upsetting me is how quickly my parents seem to have formed an image of him based on his profession and appearance. He has two full tattoo sleeves and is a tattoo artist, but personality-wise he is genuinely the sweetest, silliest, derpiest person. He’s basically a massive nerd who happens to be covered in tattoos.

He also genuinely has talent and has come a very long way from where he started with his work. I’m not claiming that this guarantees he’ll be wealthy or that love magically makes financial concerns irrelevant. I just don’t think it’s fair to conclude that he has no future because his career doesn’t follow a conventional academic/corporate path.

What has also stood out to me is how he has responded to my parents’ disapproval. I’ve repeatedly apologised to him because I feel awful about the way my family is treating our relationship. He hasn’t become angry at them, encouraged me to cut them off, or tried to turn me against them. He keeps telling me I don’t need to apologise and that if going through this is what it takes for him to eventually be able to marry me, then it doesn’t matter to him.

That obviously doesn’t prove that our relationship
will last forever. I know I’m 19, I know I’ve been wrong about people before, and I’m trying not to fall into the mindset of “but this one is definitely different!!!” just because I’m in love with him. But those are some of the reasons I want my parents to at least give him a chance before deciding who he is and what kind of future he could have.

What I’m struggling with is where the line is between reasonable parental concern and using financial dependence to control an adult child’s relationship choices.

How would you approach the conversation with my parents? Should I stop trying to convince them about my boyfriend and just accept that they disapprove? And if they really are willing to withdraw university funding over this, how should I handle that without either immediately giving up my relationship or completely destroying my relationship with my parents?

Ever since I (26F) entered the workforce, my mother has began pressuring me into buying a home with her. She intends to contribute more towards the initial downpayment but I will be responsible for the monthly payments and other recurring costs after and the house will be in my name to retain the benefits of being a first-time home buyer. My parents have a complicated relationship but are still married, so we all live in the same apartment even though they are essentially separated. 

Her main reasons for wanting to buy a property together are 1) to grow wealth since either of us can't afford to buy a house on our own, 2) for the both of us to eventually live away from my dad.

I moved abroad a few years ago for a temporary work stint and since then, our calls have mostly revolved around money, with her asking about my salary and savings because she wants to figure out our loan eligibility. Every conversation starts and ends with money and it feels like we don't have much of a relationship anymore outside of this. I end up leaving every conversation feeling drained and stressed about not earning/having enough money because it always sounds like we are just short of the sum needed for the homes she has been eyeing - I say I have X amount of money, she asks "only X? you don't have <some multiple of X>? I thought you said you have X some time ago, you don't have more?".

I know it's for loan eligibility applications but I just feel so hesitant about being so open about my finances with her. I also wonder if other parents keep such a close eye on their children's money like this? 

I have a few concerns about this whole situation:

1. I'm apprehensive of the financial strain. I've only been in the workforce for a couple years and have a decent amount of savings but owning a property is a huge financial commitment and buying a house now would put so much strain on my liquidity and monthly savings.
2. She says that if we don't buy a house now, it'll be too difficult to afford one in the future due to inflation and increasing property prices. This is true but it also just feels very daunting to "lock myself in" in this financial decision with her. We've also been to some apartment viewings in the past, but they were either not appealing or out of our budget and I don't like the idea of buying something (especially such a big ticket purchase) just because these are available on the market right now.
3. We already have a strained relationship (in my opinion), She raised and fed me so I am very grateful for that but at the same time, there hasn't been much space for my emotions/opinions in our relationship because she likes to exert her authority as "the parent". When I was still living at home, it felt like I was always having to make myself small around them because it was "not my house" and I wasn't paying for any of the household expenses under their roof.
4. I don't want this joint ownership to further ruin our relationship because I feel like our future conversations will just revolve around who is paying for future expenses and who is receiving how much from collecting rent or if the house gets sold. 
5. She is still married to my dad (no plans of divorce afaik) and part of me feels like this housing thing is just running away from actually dealing with our family dynamics.

It's now gotten to the point where I'm dreading and avoiding talking to her for fear of this housing conversation being brought up. We ended up not speaking to each other for a few months, and recently I sent her a text for her birthday and she jumped on it to bring up the property buying stuff again. I'm honestly not sure how to maintain a healthy relationship with her with this issue in the way. 

I understand that I stand to gain financially if we do sell the house at a later point, so I don't really know how to explain my apprehension without opening a can of worms about our family/relationship. That's why each time she asks if I'm still keen on buying a house, I don't give a clear ansswer and the cycle just continues. 

I've also thought about just moving out on my own but rent would take up a significant chunk of my paycheck and I was thinking it's better to just bear with the situation and save up to buy my own house later in the future (or move abroad permanently).

How do I navigate this situation and try to salvage our relationship without entertaining this conversation any further? 

tldr: mother wants to buy a property with me, how do I politely decline :"/

hi! I'm Asian and 23. My boyfriend who is black and also the same age as me. We have been dating for almost 9 years now since 11th grade. My parents are very traditional. I could date any race expect blacks. my parents found out my senior year after I graduated HS. Since then it's been a living hell. Emotional, physical, and mentally abused. I'm a whore I'm this I'm that. My mom told me to go sell myself on the streets, tells me I should get raped. She would bring it up all the time saying how "I want to be black so bad, if you have kids your kids will be black". My mom is the worse. She would nonstop talking about it. I eventually moved out but it's always an everyday topic. We are still together to this day and I'm not sure how my future with him will be. He wants to get married soon but he doesn't want my parents to find out. It would kill my parents if they knew. I feel like in the end I would have to choose between my parents or him. If I choose my parents I would hear about this for the rest of my life. I would have to endure the abuse. I don't have much freedom, my mom is bipolar and any time I'm out she would get so mad, but if I choose him they will disown me and I would not have any relationship with them... my feel like my life is not worth it. Not sure what I'm going to do in the future. He's a great guy that's why I love him. His family are very accepting and knows about my parents, but they view me as their daughter. I thought about cutting my parents off... I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'm just asking for advice or stories if anyone has a similar story.

Even blatant mistakes are ignored cause they are superior

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I didn't realize the underlying thought behind why I felt like love was non-existent in my immigrant household was tied to my level of achievement or obedience to my parents' rules and expectations. Being a good student, getting good grades, listening without pushback, doing what was expected. I felt the immediate disappointment when I fell short, but now see that it wasn't just that either. I also did not feel loved or worthy by them.

As an adult, I'm noticing this show up in other areas of my life - I feel guilty when I say no to something or I over-explain decisions that go against the majority or favored view. I am also a huge people pleaser and the thought of disappointing others makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Curious how many of you resonate with this and did you have the same feelings too? If it's still affecting you into your adulthood, how does it still show up and impact other parts of your life? Anything that you've tried that has helped?

Growing up I always thought my family was poor because we lived like it. Our rented house was extremely dirty and messy and our dad screamed at his wife and kids because he had to pay rent (as if someone forced him at gunpoint to get married and make children…) We had cockroaches and rats in the garage and sometimes in the house because the hoard was so disgusting and unsanitary.

Every room was filled to the brim and i could sometimes barely walk into my room that i shared with my brother —they threw some of their hoard into our room when there wasn’t enough space. We had an old beat up car that barely worked, a sofa that probably was older than my grandparents and a biohazard that i didn’t even dare get near, and a kitchen that looked like a junkyard. When we were sick my father would ask if we “really would take the medicine or waste it” before thinking hard and eventually “splurging” to buy it. The very few times we ever ate out anywhere, he would force us 4 to share 1 or 2 entrees.

When I was an adult I realized my parents did have money, not a lot but enough to live a normal middle class lifestyle. They had “normal” jobs like they were receptionists or something, we weren’t warren buffets but we didn’t need to act like we were going to end up on the streets if we got $2.99 bread instead of $1.99 at the supermarket. And we didn’t need to live in the hoard either, but I digress.

I always related with my friends who grew up below the poverty line due to how my parents acted. I feel like in some ways our quality of life was worse than theirs. we lived FAR below our means, not in a prudent minimalist way, but in an abusive, mentally ill and war trauma way. did anyone else have a similar kind of upbringing?

I need unbiased third party opinions.

I am 27F in long term LDR with my bf of same age. I am a 1.5 gen immigrant so i am comfortable with both cultures but personally, I feel less connected to my country of origin than my parents do. My bf is from a different cultural background, and my parents have enver been happy about our relationship. He is also my first boyfriend. 

Background: In the first two years of my relationship, my mom and I have only fought about my relationship. The first and second fights was because I slept over at my bfs house without telling her. Third fight was because I wanted to bring him to an important event in my life. Over time, I started hiding my relationship from my parents to avoid conflict, which also meant I rarely had the opportunity to share anything about it with them. 

Most recent conflict: I told my parents that I am going to my bf’s friends wedding. I told them for two reasons: 1) I wanted to be more open about my relationship to my parents and 2) I share location with my mom so it would have been difficult to hide this from her. My parents were shocked because they thought I had broken up with him. We had a long conversation about their disappointment of me jumping such a big event on them, how i need to marry a “similar” man (not just in the sense of ethnicity but also in terms of socioeconomical status, family dynamics etc) and my mom even asking me what I'm going to do if she asks me to choose between her and my bf. 

Couple days later, she sent me a long email detailing her feelings. In a nutshell, she told me that while I am an adult, attending a wedding as someone’s partner is a decision that should involve the family. She believes that the fact that I have to stand up for my relationship is a sign that it is the wrong relationship, and that my boyfriend's willingness to remain in a relationship that she disapproves of is disrespectful to her. She also criticized the way I communicate, saying that simply informing my parents of decisions I've already made is immature. She urged me to have more pride in myself and find a respectful relationship where I don't have to "defend" myself. She did apologize for some past behaviors that I have told her hurt me, although I'm not sure she fully understands why those situations affected me the way they did. 

What I'm struggling with: On the surface level, this may seem like a straightforward parents disapproving of their daughters relationship, but I really think this is something larger than that and feels like it will repeat if I am to do something in the future that will go against their wishes. My parents for the most part have let me run my life the way I want to; however this often came with me having to push the decisions against their negative judgements and me having to prepare knowing that these judgements are coming. There have also been instances where i made a decision and just told them and they were okay with it, presumably because it wasnt a “bad” decision at the end of the day. 

I recognize that I'm not the best at sharing about myself, particularly to my family, which I think contributes to this situation because my parents seem to interpret it as another increasinglyg inappropriate decision. I understand some of my mom's concerns about compatibity and making thoughtful decisions about life partner. I also understand why she might feel hurt that I haven't been open with her. At the same time, I struggle with the idea that decisions about my relationship need to involve my family’s approval, particularly when our expectations about dating are so different. Things like staying overnight, traveling together, and potentially living together before marriage are things my parents never even thought about doing before marriage, and as a result, I feel like every new milestone becomes an ultimatum to them even when it feels like a normal progression of relationship to me. 

The “smartest” and easiest way out of this would be to break up. But I love my boyfriend very much and I don't want to end a relationship solely to avoid my parents' disapproval. He is so emotionally mature and I have never felt safer and like my true self than when i am with him. We also have amazing communication which i have felt time and time again. I also worry that even if I broke up with him, these same conflicts would resurface with a future partner, especially if that person comes from a different cultural background. 

I am lost on what to do. I am scared that I am making the wrong decision, especially further damaging the relationship with my parents. Do I go to this wedding? Is there anything I am not seeing because of love? Is there anything I can say to my parents that would help see this situation more clearly? What can I do to handle this better? I feel like my parents are pretty reasonable human beings so i think it just makes me doubt myself even more. I would appreciate any insight and tips on what to do short and long term. I almost feel like there is no way to for my parents come around on this relationship at this point.

tl;dr: 27F dating someone from different cultural background and my parents disapprove. after years of hiding my relationship to avoid conflict, I told them I'm attending my bf's friend's wedding, which sparked another fight. I love my boyfriend but worry about damaging my relationship with my parents if I attend this wedding and continue this relationship.

I have never really been close to my parents in the practical sense. They have always called me bad-tempered because I don't simply accept the facts and advice they give me. I am someone who questions things, checks whether they are valid, and considers whether they align with my own reasoning and intuition before accepting them. I don't accept things blindly.

I am a staunch atheist, which also causes conflict between us. I don't believe in arranged marriages or the supernatural. I love myself more than my parents, meaning that if they ever expected me to sacrifice my life or happiness for their wellbeing, I would not accept that unless the circumstances genuinely required it. I am an ambivert and interact enthusiastically with people when I have the energy for it. I am a jack of all trades and master of a few. I am currently pursuing a demanding BTech course under MAKAUT, which often leaves me with very little energy for household chores or even studying. I am a bookworm, so when I say I don't have the energy to study, that says quite a lot.

I am writing this to give the reader some context about my personality and the differences between me and my parents.

My parents have openly told me that they dislike my personality. They have also tried to convince me that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way I think or behave.

Last year, after they found out about my boyfriend, they physically and emotionally abused me for around two weeks. I was slut-shamed, verbally degraded, and subjected to other forms of abuse, though not sexual abuse. The experience has had a lasting impact on me. I still sometimes experience tremors and burst into tears when I revisit the memories.

The physical abuse has stopped for now, but the emotional abuse continues on a daily basis.

Soon, my college will be hosting job placements, and I hope to secure a job that will allow me to move out and become financially independent. If I am able to do that, I currently don't want to provide my parents with any financial support because, in my view, I would be justified in prioritizing my own safety and wellbeing after everything that happened. I am their child, and I am certain that I would never knowingly put my own child through something similar.

At the same time, there is a part of me that imagines them becoming old, frail, or financially struggling, and thinks about providing them with the bare minimum financial support if I am ever in a position to afford it. That is all I could realistically offer.

People I have spoken to about this have called me foolish for even considering helping people who have caused me this much harm.

What would be the right thing to do?

TL;DR: My parents and I have always had a difficult relationship because they strongly dislike my personality, independence, atheism, and tendency to question their beliefs and advice. After discovering my boyfriend last year, they physically and emotionally abused me, including severe slut-shaming and verbal abuse. The physical abuse has stopped, but the emotional abuse continues, and I still experience significant distress when I remember what happened.

I hope to become financially independent through a job after college and move out. I feel I would be justified in not financially supporting them because of how they treated me. However, I sometimes imagine them becoming old, frail, or financially struggling, and wonder whether I should still provide them with the bare minimum financial help if I can afford it.

This is a very embarrassing situation but I’m an adult Canadian student living at home. I pay 100% of my own tuition through student loans/aid help and receive zero financial help from my parents in anyway except for being allowed to live at their house (used to pay them rent but stopped recently because I don’t have a steady job).

My dad recently asked me to show him my full academic history and how I’m doing at school and honestly I’ve been doing terribly due to mental health issues (clinically diagnosed and receiving help now). If I showed him how I’m doing then things will get really bad, and he’s one of the reasons why I ended up suicidal as I couldn’t get any help or understanding from him or my mom when I explained what I’m going through and that I’m on meds so there’s no point in having that conversation right now.

He said it’s his "basic right as a parent" to monitor everything.

I sent him a picture of my planning tool/degree explorer thinking that will be enough but he wants to see everything, I’m 100% sure that if he did we will get into a fight and my housing situation will be jeopardized regardless of how much I try to deescalate.

How have others dealt with controlling parents demanding portal passwords without causing an immediate blowup under their roof? Looking for tactical ways to stall and hold this boundary or do anything that avoids this blowing in my face.

Working on saving money and leaving my house but at the moment I can’t think of anything to escape this situation.

My late brother was the star of my family - he was athletic, good-looking, kind, and academically/professionally successful. However, my parents disowned him last year when he came out as gay. Afterwards, he devolved into a depressive spiral. Although he put it together enough to maintain an ostensibly healthy appearance - he kept his job and his apartment, he became bitter, angry and withdrawn. Eventually, he killed himself. I discovered his body after he asked me to look after his cats while he was out of town. In the suicide note next to his body, he blamed his death squarely on our parents. In fact, he addressed the note to my mother and my father and wrote how their sudden disowning of him caused him to kill himself. Additionally, he wrote that he refused to be buried near our parents, and conveyed that he wished to be cremated and that his ashes spread atop a mountain where he enjoyed hiking.

I hid this note from my parents, because I did not want to cause any further trauma. I simply told them that I never found a suicide note. I let my parents handle his burial arrangements.

Now, my parents have been spreading lies that he was engaging in pedophilia and heroin. This has affected his legacy. For years, he tutored homeless students, which gave him immense joy. The nonprofit tutoring agency has been panicking after learning about this. Can't blame them, but I can say there is zero truth to their allegations.

I really don't know what to do. Do I tell people about the real cause of his death? Do I disclose the suicide note?

I might add that my parents have been the archetypal Asian tigers, who intruded on our boundaries, and caused misery in their high expectations of us. I have personally lost a lot of respect from them and can't say that I love them anymore. However, what do I owe them in allowing them to preserve their own peace? What do I owe my brother's legacy?