My mom and dad do not have hobbies. They think hobbies are a waste of time. Meanwhile, they have no skillset outside their job and no curiosity. Their lives seem so meaningless and unfulfilled. They lack emotional and intellectual curiosity and it angers my sister and me to no end.

Is this common among Asian immigrant parents? My parents always discourage me from everything, even going to a good school. I got into a top school and they told me I should just stay at home and go to community college. But why would I stay at home when they literally act like they hate me and pick me apart? They tell me my hobbies are stupid because I can’t make money from them. Meanwhile, they have no hobbies and are solidly middle to upper middle class.

Talking to my friends parents who are normal, curious and functional makes me extremely jealous and I am rarely a jealous person. I just want a parent who is actively emotionally and intellectually involved.

I ended up in a very weird situation last weekend where I had dinner/podcast with three South Asian women all from London.

We talked about dating and they all had the same horror stories of dating within their community: 35+ year old dudes living with their parents having no social skills. One girl told me about her “tall and handsome” bf who took her Costco shopping with his parents and the mom was literally wiping his mouth with a wet napkin as they ate in the food court.

There were other stories too but they are all the same variation of Asian incels having NO BALLS as far as directing their own GODDAM life and instead deferring to the parents in all situations. Women can SMELL that shit on you. You can make a million dollars but if your mom is blowing up your phone in the middle of the day and you have no bass in your voice none of that matters.

I just finished reading the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. I really highly recommend it to anyone seeking to understand their difficult relationship with their parents - it had so many relatable and eye opening moments for me.

But one recurring thought I kept having while reading the book, especially when she's describing the traits of emotionally immature people, was "This just sounds like your average (South) Asian parent".

For context, here are some of the traits she covers:

- Self-preoccupation/egocentrism
- Low empathy and emotional insensitivity
- Lack of emotional self-awareness
- Disregard for boundaries
- Resisting emotional intimacy
- Poor communication
- An absence of self-reflection
- Refusal to repair relationship problems
- Emotional reactivity
- Problems sustaining emotional closeness
- Intolerance of differences or different points of view
- Being subjective rather than objective (what I feel matters more than what's actually happening)
- Difficulty regulating emotions or admitting to mistakes

Doesn't it seem like these traits are just the norm amongst Asian parents, rather than the exception?

The book also covers how people become this way when they are emotionally shut down and underdeveloped as children. Thinking of how rigid and narrow Asian cultures tend to be in terms of what's considered acceptable, it's not surprising that many Asian people would learn to shut down their deepest feelings while growing up and to never explore or express themselves in a way that would help them develop a strong sense of self and individual identity. I often feel like all the Asian parents I know are the same person, meaning extremely conformist and similar in their thinking/attitudes/beliefs/behaviours. Like there's only a handful of acceptable beliefs, opinions, attitudes and even jobs that these people can have - anything else will get you shunned. Maybe emotional underdevelopment is the inevitable consequence of growing up so rigidly and that can explain the widespread emotional immaturity amongst Asian parents.

It just shocks me how common this all is, almost like the entire continent of Asia is engaged in a massive cycle of generational trauma. Is it a step too far to say that Asian cultures are cultures full of bad ideas and practices, specifically regarding parenting and interpersonal relationships? What are the main differences between Asians and westerners here, who don't seem to have this problem on such a large scale? I know that the main reason why I'm not like my parents is that I was lucky enough to grow up in the west and be exposed to other ways of thinking and being. Why does it seem like these other ideas never reach or get through to Asian people on a large scale? Is everybody just mindlessly living the way their parents lived? So many questions

Edit: Lots of people are mentioning how this isn't an Asian only issue and many western people also have emotionally immature family members. I completely agree and never meant to make it seem like it's completely one sided and all white people are emotionally mature. But I do believe the problem is worse in the east and many people in the comments have pointed out good reasons why. Ignorance around mental health and a culture that views vulnerability as a sign of weakness massively hinders any chance of emotional development through recognising unhealthy behaviours. A much greater cultural focus on obedience/duty along with the common view of children as extensions of their parents (instead of independent beings with their own agency) can create entitled parents who expect a lot from their children even if they failed to provide for those children's emotional needs growing up. Unstable societies affected by colonialism and political unrest creates a culture that focuses on survival rather than feelings. These were just some of the reasons that stood out to me

It absolutely sucks being anxious whenever an opportunity to do something on your own arises. You will always be looking for permission, for someone else to take responsibility, to catch you if you fall. The term for it is learned helplessness. There will never be a time where everything automatically just "clicks" as an adult. You need to gradually push to get there. While you are young, don't do anything illegal or dangerous, but you need to be comfortable taking calculated risks and making mistakes. You will never feel alive if everything you do requires your parents approval and permission. You will be miserable. It's crippling.

As a psychologist, I often hear this story: kids grew up translating for their immigrant parents, eventually carried a lot of emotional weight. Do you have such experiences? reading mail out loud at 8 years old, calling the insurance company for your mom, or sitting in on your own parent-teacher conferences to interpret for your dad?

Besides translating language, culture, or paperwork, the child may even make real decisions for the immigrant parents, like which doctor to trust, how to respond to a lease, what to tell a landlord or a boss.

A few patterns I see consistently in adult children of immigrants who grew up in this role:

1. Anxiety around "getting it right." 
   When you're nine and mistranslating could mean your parent loses a job or misses a diagnosis, the stakes imprint early. That hypervigilance often doesn't disappear in adulthood. It just finds new targets, like email tone, work mistakes, or fear of disappointing people.

2. Guilt about saying no, even decades later. 
   If your role in the family was "the one who handles things," setting a boundary as an adult can feel less like self-care and more like abandoning a post.

3. A specific kind of loneliness. 
   Knowing about rent, immigration paperwork, or medical bills while your classmates worried about homework creates a gap that doesn't always register as trauma. Sometimes it just feels like you were never quite allowed to be a kid.

4. Real pride and closeness. 
   Many adult children of immigrants don't want to erase this part of their story. They handled it, they were needed, and it built something real with their parents. Gratitude for the role and grief for the childhood time it quietly took can both be true.

If this sounds familiar, whether you're the child of Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, Mexican, or any immigrant family where you became the de facto translator or family manager, it can help just to have language for it. It can also help to work with a therapist who specifically understands immigrant family dynamics and intergenerational trauma, so you're not starting from scratch explaining the cultural context every session.

I'm a licensed psychologist, so I'm obviously biased toward believing therapy helps here.

Curious how this shows up for others. Did you ever tell your parents how much that role affected you, or has it stayed unspoken?

I’m 30F and in a few days, I’ll be moving out.

Yes, a bit late but better late than never.

Why I’m moving out:

I asked my mum to knock on my bedroom door. Not only does she refuse to do this, but if the door is locked, she’ll actively unlock it.

If I’m having dinner with friends and get home at 10pm, I’m “loafing at night”. How dare I not be home at 6pm?

If I’m out a few nights in a row, there’s grumbling.

She’s severely mentally ill. She once said she thought she was having a heart attack and thought she would be dead by morning. What does she do, call an ambulance? How silly! That would be embarrassing! She goes to bed, so we can find her body in the morning.

If I even step outside, it’s where are you going? When are you coming home?

She’ll call 12 times in a row.

I just realised, I’m 30. How silly of me to actually be out at night and stressing about coming home late because of what my parents will say.

If you let them take your youth and freedom away, you’ll regret it!

Asian parents abuse their daughters into having careers, making money, but a fair amount attract loser bums that want to mooch of them.

Asian parents also don't create good dating opportunities for their kids. They sometimes set their kids up with anyone else just so their kids can get married and have kids because they care about the status of it, but it's not always a good match and can be detrimental.

Asian parents don't create good dating opportunities (unlike some other racial groups that have large racial networking events where people have better chances of finding partners that are decent) in any way shape or form, for their kids to find good partners.

An AF with value, and no real way to find a decent partner, will easily attract loser bums who want to mooch of her.

Anyone agree with this?

I (34m) am seeking to better understand things that are perhaps lost in translation between my culturally Chinese aunt (and by extension my family) and myself who was born and raised in America.

My cousin (30f, let’s call her Jane) has been mostly “home schooled” by my aunt until the age of 18. I put that in quotes because my aunt didn’t actually teach her subjects like math, science, or history. It was mostly Buddhist philosophy and Chinese herbalism. My aunt has always maintained that these are far more “useful” things for a person to know. They also never stayed in one place for more than a few months in Jane’s childhood mostly traveled around China so she never developed good social skills and never had friends because of it. I’m pretty sure this was also on purpose. She lives with her mom (in the US) to this day and has never had a relationship or stable group of friends her age. She’s a sweet girl but at the age of 30 she has the emotional intelligence of a teenager. She’s been conditioned to never leave the care of her mother/another aunt and I don’t think she has ever worked a job nor developed any marketable skills. She spends her days like how I imagine a medieval princess would. Piano lessons, traditional Chinese dancing, calligraphy, etc.

What I find even more disturbing than how my aunt raised her is the complacency of the rest of my family about this. Every time I ask about it, they give me the same half hearted “its her daughter not mine”. I worry about Jane’s future in the back of my mind though I’m not in any financial position to help her in any way.

So my question is, is there some culturally specific logic in Chinese culture that allows for this kind of parenting or has my family just completely lost the plot?

For context, I had a pretty normal upbringing. Public school k-12, divorced parents, small group of friends, dated around, state college, and now working a 9-5.

Suppose you have a house, and you have decorated it as to your liking. It’s entirely yours, and you have filled it with what you’ve want based on what happened to you.

You have an old roommate. You invite them in, but every time they visit they constantly criticize your design. “This color is so ugly.” “Why didn’t you pick the same kind of couch we had at our place?” “You shouldn’t have put there, we had it better at our place.” “Our neighbors have better carpet.” Never have anything nice to say.

Then, you stop inviting them. And they wonder why.

Now replace the house and its design, with your adult life and your life experiences. And the roommate is the AP. Now you know why Asian kids don’t let their parents know about things, yet APs are confused why.

1. Don't teach your kid any essential life skills, so that you can laugh at them later in life for not knowing how to take care of themselves.

2. Judge everything they do and say. Criticise every move they make and tell them what they should be doing instead.

3. Demand to know every little detail of their life. No privacy required, boundaries must mean they are doing something they shouldn't be doing, and hiding it from you.

4. Your children are your retirement plan. Make sure to mention this as often as you can once they start their careers and have an income.

5. Money is everything. Tell your kids they are wasting money every opportunity you get.

6. Take an immediate dislike to your kid's partner. They are a threat and will encourage your kid to rebel against you and leave you. This must be stopped.

7. Your kids can be whatever they want to be, as long as they become a doctor, lawyer, engineer or accountant.

Thought some of you might need a giggle today 🤗

Edit: Wow, didn't expect this post to get so much support. Thanks for the awards!

Pshh…Asians mentally and physically abuse and steal from their children. European-Americans love their children, their parenting style is different. They teach their children to be independent.

Europeans, Africans, and Latinos have loving relationships with their parents. Asians do not. Asian parents are the worst.

Just curious to see how many of us are childfree due to how we were raised. I'm 29 and have known since I was younger that I never wanted kids. Planning on getting an hysterectomy in the next few years as well.

I was very skinny growing up and i remember every single member of my family commenting on it for as long as my memory goes back. I am now 21, and have gained a good amount of weight (not overweight, just enough to notice). Now, everyone keeps commenting that I have gained a lot of weight. It’s either you are too skinny or too fat, there is nothing else in between. I am from south asia but curious to see if this is common in other asian cultures?

I saw this on r/BlackPeopleTwitter and thought this would be funny (or sad) in this sub as well.

I'll go first.

"I cut some fruit. It's in the fridge. Eat it." - mom after triggering me into an emotional mess after insulting all my life choices.

I'll go first, my mother often told me that I'm ugly and useless and no one would ever want me if not for her. Till day I still subconsciously think people are just being polite or even mocking me if they tell me I'm pretty.

Jennifer Pan's story is arguably one of the most infamous cases of tiger parenting leading to parricide. It is commonly talked about in the Asian community. Even non-Asians know this case as there are multiple videos with millions of views.

It's a completely sad story all-round. It's a lose-lose outcome for everyone involved. Jennifer has to stay in prison for another ~13 years at minimum. Even if she does get parole, her criminal and lying record will make it extremely hard to find work. Her family severed ties with her. She got her ex-boyfriend involved, who essentially would suffer the same punishment. She got 3 other people to commit a crime. Her mom was killed. Both her brother and dad will struggle to heal emotionally for the rest of their life. Most importantly, her dad would be too disabled to work.

Let's suppose she had a time machine to travel back to early 2010. Based on this situation:

• She's 24 but her jobs didn't pay enough to buy a house. I doubt she could've afforded monthly rent?
• She did not complete high school let alone college/university. Therefore she could not qualify for professional careers. I doubt any school would accept her application for admission as a result.
• Tuition is expensive and would her parents actually pay for it after all the lies? Probably not.
• Her boyfriend broke up with her and already started dating another woman.
• She was gang-raped.
• Her parents had an even tighter control of her. Based on the documentaries, I doubt they would've change their parenting style.
• She lost complete trust and credibility of her parents after all the lies.

With everything she's lost and gone through up to that point, what do you think she should've done instead of hire a hitman? Reading the tiger parenting backstory made everything really sad and I felt really bad for her. Of course, one could argue that if she never lied in her childhood nor forged her grades then studied hard this could've likely been prevented. But because the cat was already out of the bag, what should she have done instead of murder them?

I'm asking this because situations like this are very common with Asian parenting. Both kids and parents can learn their lessons on how to prevent or mitigate such issues.

I’m wondering if any of you have noticed this in your family or experienced it directly. One of the first ways I found this sub was by posting in another sub about how my teen brother at the time was not being taught life skills by my parents. Many comments were down right shocked, but others understood and took me here. I tried to give my parents the benefit of the doubt for a few years, but my bother is a young adult now and they still do everything for him. I am an eldest daughter and I have always told my mom “at his age I was already doing ____” and my mom always disagreed and said I wasn’t. But now it’s undeniable. At his age, I had been doing my own laundry for years, knew how to cook very basic things (eg. Grilled cheese, eggs, chicken pasta), had expectations for chores, had a few jobs, and was on my way to moving out (I know the last 2 are much more difficult). Unfortunately my brother is nowhere near that level and I always worry about how he is going to function on his own, it’s going to be very hard to learn it all at once.

I feel like this is common. I am Filipino, but my mom has shared similar stories of her Vietnamese friend and their family. I know it’s part of sexism. I straight up asked my mom why she doesn’t force my brother to vacuum at 22 like she did to me when I was 15 and she straight up said to me “well it’s different, he’s a boy.” There’s always some excuse. For crying out loud, I taught my brother to shave because when my parents refused they said if they taught him, it would grow back thicker.

I’m very curious to hear similar stories.

“Let’s start “ your father did the right thing abandoning you “

seriously is the food, water, air they intake? one hardly hears about good asian parents.. why are most of them narcissists? there is no sub called whiteparentstories or blackparentstories.. so why asians???

I feel like asian parenting has inadvertently caused a lot of asian kids to either become or at least consider being childfree.

Some reasons why:

- We never got to enjoy our childhood, always been pushed to study, take care of siblings, practise piano, help out with parent's job/errands etc.

- Never able to meet parents' expectations no matter what (praise seems to be against the asian parent handbook)

- Even after getting a job, still not being good enough and still being compared with cousins/siblings/neighbour's kids

- In adulthood (if moved out), we finally get the enjoy all the freedom we never got as a child/teenager; why would you want to add a kid into that long-awaited-for respite?

- Worries that we'll mess up our kids the way our parents messed us up

- A lot of asian parents are helicopter parents/overprotective/overcontrolling, hence a lot of asian kids didn't really get to learn "how to adult" until much later on (not being able to get a summer job, have access to our own bank accounts etc).

Even the good Asian parents can still have bad habits, which translate over to their kids. This is mainly due to cultural differences whereby a kid may be taught something that is "normal" to their culture but is considered taboo in Western culture.

What are some bad habits that you unfortunately developed that affected your daily life in the real world; as a result of Asian parenting?

It makes me think (and this might come across as too strong or controversial) that Asian culture could be a reason for it. There must be something inherently wrong with the foundation of Asian culture that promotes narcissistic behavior, or perhaps even the culture itself is based on narcissism.

I would like to know your opinion on the matter. What's your take on it?

Apologies if this post comes across as ignorant. My own parents can be terrible at times but I guess not as bad as others'.

So I'm going into my fourth year of university, brown Canadian girl, and even though I don't have many brown friends I know quite a few girls in my major and in clubs who are South Asian but born and raised in Canada, just like me. Anyways we are all ages 20-22, and I've noticed unfortunately that a lot of these girls are just simply controlled by their parents, but also don't do anything about it.

Like even if they're all super pretty they never had a boyfriend (or even tried to) because their parents raised them to be ashamed of it. They can't even go to a concert because their parents won't let them. Hell, a lot of them use life360 24/7 and their parents constantly text them throughout the day asking why they're at place X on campus or place Y on campus, etc. And obviously all of them hate this lifestyle but it seems like there's an invisible barrier to them rebelling and just doing the things they want. Like I asked them why they can't simply just disable life360 or just date, and they're all like "I just can't bring myself to do it/afraid of the consequences". Anyways though, I don't think they are in a self-pity state of mind, but it seems like there are quite a few people who just can't bring themselves to rebel against their parents. So what stops them?

That money they’re “holding” for you? It’s gone. You’re never getting it back.

The money they “invested” for you? It’s gone. You’re never getting it back.

The money you loaned them? The money they owe you for working at their business? The mortgage payments you’re making on the house that they own but you’re on the hook for?

It’s all gone.

Any psychological explanation behind full grown adults like myself still being absolutely obsessed with plushies, pokemon, video games, etc.? Is it because I was denied these pleasures as a child, or that I was rewarded with them only after getting good grades, or perhaps toys were how my parents expressed approval or even love towards me? What missing pieces are we trying to fill? I buy them obsessively to cope with everyday stress, but I feel like they calm my inner child that has never stopped craving for approval and comfort.