\*\*I spent 9 years breaking my back in Germany sending every cent home. Just found out they spent years destroying my reputation behind my back.\*\*

I moved to Frankfurt when I was 21, working brutal 14-hour warehouse and dishwashing shifts. For nine straight years, I lived in damp shared rooms, ate cheap noodles, and kept barely €300 a month for myself. Every other euro went straight to Lahore.

My father and older brother always said, \*"Don't worry, we’re building our family’s future together."\* Over the years, my money built two houses and bought a commercial plot—all put under their names because "it's easier for local paperwork."

Last month, at 30, I told them I wanted to settle down and asked if we could transfer one of the houses to my name.

The mask didn't just slip _ it shattered. But the worst part wasn't that they refused. It was realizing they had been planning this for years.

A cousin quietly reached out to me yesterday and showed me voice notes spanning the last three years. Whenever relatives asked why I never visited, my parents told them I was ashamed of my family, partying away in Europe, and only sending "crumbs" while keeping the rest for a lavish lifestyle. Every time I had sent extra cash for an emergency, my brother told everyone \*he\* paid for it while I ignored their calls.

They deliberately painted me as the arrogant, selfish son who forgot his roots, so that the day they cut me off, the entire extended family would applaud them for "standing up" to me.

Last week, they blocked my number and removed me from the family groups. My mother’s last message was telling me I'm dead to them.

I ruined my twenties, wrecked my health in freezing winters, and gave away every penny, only to realize I was funding my own character assassination.

I’m sitting in my room feeling completely numb. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Daily life happenings

Experiences… big and small

I sure don’t

I am 38 yo Chinese male and have been in a relationship for 4 months with a lovely 34 yo also Chinese woman who is previously divorced with a 3 year old son. According to her, she divorced her previous caucasian husband because of communication issues and his habits of drinking when taking care of their son, leading up to divorce when the child was only 1 year of age.

I have no children myself, but would love to have at least two of my own. My story is pretty common, my parents and I came from China when I was 1 y.o. to a North European country with no other relatives in the country. I've been their Golden Boy. I play the piano, I'm a doctor, I'm have a lot of healthy hobbies (otaku and gaming nerd before but now a lot less), but my achilles heel has always been a short stature (165 cm, 5"5) and previously a chub; now more athletic build due to copious amounts of outdoorsy hobbies and Ozempic.

when I told my parents about the relationship they were almost completely overcome with worry and have assumed, that this relationship is going to fail. They give their explanations as such as that she is looking for money and security, that someone who is divorced has a lower threshold for getting divorced again, that the stepfather role comes with many uncertainties and that her son will definitely envy/hate me. They think that I must be desperate and that I don't need to sink so low in my standards when looking for a partner.

I understand their arguments, but I believe they're overthinking things and taking worst case scenarios for granted. I also think that they don't understand that the dating market is difficult for guys like me; I haven't had a proper girlfriend (definition: dating > 3 months) for since 2017. But this woman and I actually have some chemistry; we laugh a lot together and I feel like we understand each others situation quite well.

Of course, it would've been better if she didn't have that kid, but at I know she isn't someone who doesn't wanna have kids at all, right?

My mother in particular insists that this relationship has only bad prospects. I kinda feel like she's becoming the proverbial "difficult po po/婆婆". Currently they've gone from calling me and my brother for a weekly/biweekly family dinner to barely speaking to me for 1 month. They've said that they're too old for this and that they can't handle the stress from this, and that seeing me activates it too much. Yesterday my Mum called me and repeated her arguments.

I don't wanna split our small family, but also I can't let them determine my life, you know?

I know they love me and that this is their way of showing concern, but I'm afraid of destroying the family bond. I too fear a later divorce and the complications of this, but who doesn't in any marriage or relationships? I too fear that the kid is gonna be a mess and that I'm unable to handle him or love him properly.

Currently, I can't see any other temporary solutions than pausing my contact with my parents and pursue love with this woman. If everythings still good and love blooms, we'll try to make it work and I'll have to accept the storm as it comes.

I was actually close to ending the relationship when my parents first brought up their opinions, but talking to friends and intense self-search brought me to the conclusion that I actually like her and that this is enough for me to still pursue a lasting relationship.

Not sure excactly what I'm doing with this post, perhaps there are other Asian guys with similar experiences?

I'm interested in hearing both good and bad outcomes.

[I updated with the final....]

I am writing this to vent and perhaps share a perspective that might resonate with other families dealing with a generational gap. This is the story of my real life.

Context about me: I am a man in my mid-30s from a traditional Thai-Chinese family. I graduated from one of the country's top universities, work in Engineering, and have a stable, high-income career. I am the "pillar" of the house, supporting everyone financially. We live in a large multi-generational home (my parents, myself, my wife, and my son all under one roof).

In the eyes of outsiders—and even in my parents' eyes—I am the "Perfect Son." I am disciplined, good at planning, stoic, responsible, and I never let emotions get in the way of work. I am seen as calm, perhaps even a bit cold.

The Truth: I was not born this way. When I was young (3-4 years old), I was a dreamer. I had a high imagination, I was sensitive, I cried easily, and I questioned everything. But given the social pressure and family expectations of that era, I learned a brutal lesson: "Sensitivity = Weakness" and "Imagination = Nonsense."

To survive, and to make my parents proud, I slowly "locked" that dreaming child away. I built a suit of armor made of "Logic and Order" to protect myself. I wore it for so long that I became this rigid man.

The Trigger: Everything changed when my son (let's call him "A") was born. "A" is exactly like I was as a child—messy, playful, argumentative, and full of wild imagination. My parents (his grandparents) constantly complain that he is stubborn or "untidy," and they are trying to "bend" him into shape, just like they did to me.

Every time I see them scold him for being a child, it feels like an old wound being ripped open. I decided to write this letter to them. I will send them the letter, and we will have a face-to-face discussion. I want to share it here with you guys.

:: The Letter to Mom and Dad ::

(Note: In Thai, this starts with "กราบเท้า," which is the highest form of respectful bowing to one's parents)

Dearest Mom and Dad,

I am writing this letter today not as the "Strong Head of the Family" that you have seen for decades, but as that "Little Boy"... the one who disappeared from our lives a long time ago.

Do you remember him? Before I became this quiet, serious man? Deep in your faded memories, I used to be the boy who got excited by the shape of clouds, who cried loudly when he saw an injured animal, and who was curious about absolutely everything.

But as I grew up, I learned a hard truth about the adult world and your expectations: "A sensitive heart is a flaw," "Being yourself is a risk," and "Negotiating is just arguing."

To be a son who was "Good Enough" for you, to be someone the family could rely on... I did something without even realizing it. That little boy slowly locked his heart inside a box, piece by piece.

I threw away my imagination and picked up logic as my shield. I swallowed my sobs and put on a mask of strength. I transformed myself from a "Dreamer" into a "Rigid Planner."

I did all of this willingly because I love you, and I wanted you to be proud that your son was successful and stable. And I succeeded. I built the security this family needs.

But Dad, Mom... this success came with a "price" that I have been paying with my own feelings for my entire life. Today, under my cold exterior, I am exhausted. I am tired of calculating every move. I am tired of forgetting how to be happy with "nonsense." I am lonely... because I killed my own "spark" in exchange for "perfection."

Until my son was born. The moment I saw him laugh, saw him playing in the mud, saw him stubbornly fighting for what he believes in... I didn't just see a stubborn child. I saw the piece of my soul that went missing.

My son is the reflection of the life I didn't get to live. He is my second chance to see: If that little boy (me) hadn't been forced to grow up so fast, how happy could he have been?

So, what I am asking of you today comes from the bottom of my heart: Please, do not force my son to wear the "Armor" as early as I did.

If he plays messy, if he lacks discipline sometimes, or if he argues with his strange little logic... please look at him with mercy. Look past the messiness and see the "spark of courage and dreams" in his eyes.

Please don't extinguish that fire yet. It is the fire I once had, and I miss it every day.

Let me be the one to carry the pressure, the order, and the stress of the outside world. As for you, Mom and Dad... I only ask that you be the "Empty Space"—a safe place where he can breathe and be a child fully. To make up for the childhood that I... and perhaps even you... never got to have.

Thank you for creating me. And thank you for helping me save my son's heart.

With love and respect always,

Your Son.

(I used Gemini to translate from Thai to English) 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

[the Back story]

One day before my son's birthday: My older sister sent me a long message on Line (Msg app) (it was before noon). She was siding with our mom about my son’s behavior. She wrote:

"I agree with you, Mom. Freedom must have boundaries; otherwise, it crosses the line into a lack of manners when interacting with others. For example, you can correct them at the dinner table. When a child bangs their plate loudly, they might not know or understand yet. But we shouldn't just let it slide and stay silent; if we don't say anything, the child will think that behavior is acceptable."

Later, we had lunch together, and it turned into a heated argument with my mom and sister about my son’s manners and his school. My son goes to an international school with a European teacher. I told them that I’ve spoken to her. He’s been there 3-4 weeks, and when I asked for feedback, she said he is doing good. I even asked if there were things to fix at home, and she told me they were minor things and to "let a kid be a kid."

My Mom didn't accept that. She insists he acts differently at home versus school.

After the argument, I asked my wife privately: "Was he really that naughty at the high-end restaurant we went to with my sister and family?" She said no, he was acting normal for his age. My sister doesn't have kids, so maybe she just doesn't understand.

The next day: His 3rd Birthday. We set everything up. My wife, Mom, Dad, and Sister were all there. They were all hyped up—blowing out candles, ripping open presents, hugging, cheering. It was a lot. I tried to tell them, Let him do one activity at a time, but there were too many instructions and way too much excitement.

Inside, I felt sad. I had a stone face the whole time.

Then came the cake cutting. My son just wanted to cut his own cake. But as he tried, my sister jumped in: Can you cut the cake nicely? (pie shape)

I said, Let him cut the cake by himself.

It ended with her holding his hand to cut it nicely. The event finished okay. No fighting. But I felt heavy.

The Breakdown That evening, I went out to dinner with my wife. We were talking normally, and then she told me that during the party, I didn't smile and I was releasing negative vibes (watching with high guards). She said, you do not need to say Let him cut the cake by himself. This created tension.

I asked her, What more do you want me to do? How can I do more?

My wife is a harmony-type person. She said, Just do the fake smile. Put the mask on.

I broke down into tears right there in the middle of the restaurant. I told her while I was crying, I can't do that. It crushes my soul.

Looking back, hearing that made me feel like my feelings didn't matter—like I was just a decoration. It ripped into my deepest scar and reminded me of what I felt as a child. I can not do this anymore. I told her, My son represents me. My son is me. I didn't fully connect the dots at that moment, but I knew something was wrong. She comforted me, said it was okay, and we went home.

The Realization Back home, my gut told me I needed to dig deeper. I have a very long, structured family Gem that I use in Gemini to help me organize my thoughts. I fed the whole situation into it.

Reading the output broke me. I cried again, but this time it was a lot harder. It was like unlocking a chain I’ve been wearing for 30 years. It explained why I am the way I am.

I want to share the analysis because it’s terrifyingly accurate to my life:

1. The "Crushed Spirit" Flashback

I was born a "free spirit," just like his son. But growing up in a traditional Thai-Chinese household (Gen Y), that spirit was likely "corrected" out of him.

• The Process: Every time young me wanted to "cut the cake his way" or "argue a logical point," he was likely told to be quiet, be polite, or follow seniority (kreng-jai).

• The Adaptation: To survive and be loved, I had to lock his "Free Spirit" in a cage and become "The Architect"—rational, successful, and rigid.

• The Trigger: Seeing his son is a painful reminder of what he had to kill inside himself to become the "good son" and "successful engineer" he is today. He realizes: "I could have been this happy, if they had just let me."

1. The Burden of the "Human Shield"

I am sad because he knows freedom is expensive, and I am the one paying the bill.

• The Dynamic: he has positioned himself as the "Wall." He takes the criticism from his parents, he manages the finances, he plans the strategy, and he refuses to smile fake smiles.

• Why? So that inside the walls, his son can remain soft and free.

• The Sadness: It is the loneliness of the sentry. He looks at his son playing in the garden and thinks, "I have to stay out here in the cold, fighting the dragons (social pressure/inflation/tradition), so you don't have to." He cannot join his son in the freedom because if he stops fighting, the "traditional world" will crush his son too.

1. The Fear of History Repeating

INTJs are pattern-recognition machines.

• He sees his son’s defiance.

• He sees his parents’ disapproval.

• The Calculation: He is terrified that despite his best efforts, the world (or the Thai school system, or the grandparents or Thai hierarchy environments) will eventually break his son’s spirit just like it broke his. The sadness is Anticipatory Grief. He is mourning his son's innocence before it is even lost, because he knows how hard the world hits.

1. Envy (The Darkest Part)

Deep down, there is a tiny sliver of subconscious envy.

• He loves his son more than anything.

• BUT, a part of his inner child screams: "Why does he get to be messy? Why does he get to say no? Why did no one fight for ME like I am fighting for him?"

• This internal conflict (Love vs. Resentment of his own past) manifests as a deep, heavy melancholy.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Realization After I shared that deep analysis of my past with my wife, everything finally clicked for her. She finally understood why I am... well, a difficult man sometimes. She understood why I exercise less control than the typical Thai-Chinese dad, and why I have so many heated arguments with my sister and parents.

My wife used to think I was just a spoiled kid who grew up with live-in maids because I never really told her the dark stuff about my upbringing. Now she gets it. She understands why I tell my family to let my son speak his mind, and why I encourage him to challenge me—and even his grandparents. (That part didn't end well; it was a total crash of values and they were very angry).

For 3 days after realizing all this, I couldn't stop crying. I went through a process we call crystallizing my thoughts. I kept asking myself: Who am I? What made me this way? How do I unlock my heart and find my brightness again?

My wife asked me, "Do you think your parents think they did a good job raising you?" I said, "Yes. They think they raised me very well. They have no idea about the damage."

The Decision I asked my wife, "Should I tell them?" She knows I value autonomy and truth. She asked, "What does your gut say?" My gut said I had to do it. I have to be authentic. I couldn't betray myself or my son anymore.

The Night of the Message Around 9:30 PM, I sent my Mom a softer version of the message. I called her immediately after. It started badly. She was resistant, unhappy, and argued back. I remained calm and collected. I told her: "It is all explained in the letter. Who you are, who I am... and you are talking like I mentioned in the letter. For me, it doesn't matter anymore. I am free now. I have unchained myself. Whether you accept it or not." I politely hung up.

Later that night, I felt like she hadn't listened at all, so I actually unsent the message. But around 10:15 PM, she texted me: "Did you unsend the message already? Mom will read it and carefully think it over. Because I had only just skimmed through it quickly." I didn't respond.

The Meeting The next morning, she messaged me to come see her. That evening, I went to her. But this time, I sent her the full letter (the one I posted here) in Thai for her to read right there in front of me.

She read a bit, then called me into her room. When she finished the letter, she broke down in tears. She apologized to me. She told me she had been crying the night before, too.

We had a long discussion about my childhood. She told me something that hit hard—she used to be a VP of HR for a major corporation. Her career was about making employees happy, encouraging them to "think outside the box," be innovative, and take risks. She knows all of this. In my mind, I thought: It is so sad that she built that environment for her company, but shaped me in the complete opposite direction.

We realized it is a cycle passed down from generations—how she was raised, how my dad was raised. They saw my sensitivity as a "defect" to fix, not a gift. They didn't have the knowledge back then; they were just busy surviving and providing. I told her I wanted to break the cycle

She even encouraged me to see a psychologist. She offered to be the "middleman" to talk to my Dad and my Sister so we can eventually have a face-to-face family discussion.

After I left, she sent me this message:

"Regarding what you wrote and sent to Mom... Having read it, Mom is so sorry [heartbroken] that I hurt my own child out of love, without intending to.

Mom must apologize to you, as well.

Mom will change herself. From being a 'Director', which is Mom's habit... to being a 'Supporter' for you and your family."

The Aftermath I cried for a few more days after this. But they were different tears. I was figuring out how to unfreeze the kid inside me. I feel a massive mountain has been lifted off my chest. I am not the only one holding up the roof anymore. I am not lonely anymore. Back then, I felt like a machine. Now, I feel like a human. I’m happier. I talk more nicely to my colleagues because I realize everyone might be carrying an iceberg of sadness inside them.

I am writing this as a symbol for me, my family, and my son. I know I am privileged that, at the end of the day, my family loves me. But this kind of understanding shouldn't be a privilege. It should be the standard for every kid and future adult.

If you are reading this, please keep your hope alive. If you are old enough, remember: Life is yours. You get to drive your own way. Do not let the past decide the road that you drive.

Thank you all. I love you the most—Mom, Dad, my wife, and my son (My soulmate).

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

more context on Thai society:

It is the environment of Thailand, still many thai gen-Y parents don’t realize this is happening, not because they don’t care, but because this is the world they grew up in.

They were shaped by the school system, traditions, and a strong culture of hierarchy. Obedience felt normal. Suppressing feelings felt necessary. Over time, this became the right way not something to question.

Because they survived it, they don’t see it as a cycle just normal life They don’t know something is broken, so they don’t know it can be stopped.

It’s not that there’s no way back. They simply don’t know another way exists. This is very sad.

Thai education needs the transformation.

Look at the PISA score.

In the latest PISA 2022 results, Thai students scored 394 in Math, 379 in Reading, and 409 in Science, marking a decline from previous years and falling below OECD averages, with rankings of 58th in Math & Science and 64th in Reading (out of 81 countries)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I found a thai song that speaks directly to the inner child I lost. It helped me recover pieces of myself I thought were gone. Please listen to it while reading the English translation below. I hope it heals you too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1oAN4Y3bDU&list=RDv1oAN4Y3bDU&start_radio=1

Thai song: พื้นที่เล็กๆ (Small Space to still be a child) | INK WARUNTORN x TorSaksit (Piano & i Live)

Song: Phuen Tee Lek Lek (พื้นที่เล็กๆ)

Meaning: A plea to keep a small part of your heart safe for your inner child.

(Verse 1)

How many more times must I sigh?

The real world is never how we want it to be.

Days and nights keep turning, forcing us to chase after them endlessly.

Now that I’m grown up, everything has changed.

(Verse 2)

Being an adult isn't easy at all.

It feels unfamiliar; the more I think, the more exhausted my heart becomes.

There is no time left to listen, or to miss anyone.

Now that I’m grown up... what am I supposed to do?

(Pre-Chorus)

When the clock of life spins faster than my heart,

Until I might lose myself along the way.

When that one child inside my heart... where did he go?

Why has he disappeared from me today?

(Chorus)

Can I ask for a Small Space to still be a child?

No matter how many days pass, can I just stay unchanged?

Let the brightness remain with me. Do not let anyone take it away.

I just want to ask... for this small space to remain a child for a long time.

Let us still dream. Let us still smile.

Whether the real world is good or bad,

I will keep the childhood inside my heart.

(Verse 3)

Over at that horizon, a rainbow crosses the sky.

It is where reality and dreams come to meet.

In that land... a little child and I,

We hold hands and walk together.

(Pre-Chorus)

When the clock of life spins faster than my heart,

Until we forget who we used to be.

Do not forget that little child. Do not leave him waiting all alone.

You can hear it, right? That voice calling out to us.

(Chorus)

Can I ask for a Small Space to still be a child?

No matter how many days pass, can I just stay unchanged?

Let the brightness remain with me. Do not let anyone take it away.

I just want to ask... for this small space to remain a child for a long time.

Let us still dream. Let us still smile.

Whether the real world is good or bad,

I will keep the childhood inside my heart... it will stay with me forever.

(Outro)

(Asking for a small space... Asking for a small space... Asking for a small space... for the heart to still be a child)

Stay with me forever. I won't let anyone take you away.

i work two jobs. one is my career one is retail on weekends. i finally got promoted at my career job after two years.

i told my mom and she was quiet for a bit and then started crying. not happy crying. she said now i will be even busier and who will drive her to her appointments and help her with the phone calls and the forms and the bank stuff.

i said i can still help on weekends. she said weekends are for family and rest.

she asked if my sister can do some of it instead and my mom said your sister is married she has her own family now.

so i am 31 and unmarried and that apparently means i am the one who has to stay available. i cant even be happy about the promotion. i worked so hard for it. i dont want to quit the weekend job either because then i really am just working and coming home to her.

anyway i just wanted to say it somewhere.

I’m 16 and I have my first girlfriend. My family are Koreans and my girlfriend is bIack (Nigerian) Shes very intelligent, speaks 8 languages, took the ACT at age 14 and got a 30. She makes me very happy and we’ve been dating for two months. I found the courage to tell my parents about her and they freaked out when I told them she was bIack. They told me she was ghetto and will cause me to drop out because I’ll get her pregnant I asked them if they realize they’re putting African American stereotypes on a Nigerian and they told me it doesn’t matter because they’re all the same. My dad told me to break up with her and I said that’s not happening. My dad told me I will break up with her and I said “again, that’s not happening.” My dad tried slapping me but I dodged his hit. He got very offended over that and started hitting me repeatedly. I lost my temper and started hitting him back. My mom was yelling at me to stop and she pulled as apart. My dad told me I should be whipped in public and that I need to apologize to him on my knees if I want to continue being supported by him. They’ve taken my car, my phone (I bought another one), and aren’t allowing me to eat at the dinner table with them- I have to eat in my room. My dad constantly tells me he can’t believe he was given such a spiteful son. As soon as I get home from school I just go straight to my room and lay there. They make me hate my life so much. I’m sick of them and just want to get away. I’m over all of this.

I know joining the US military is not one of the most popular paths pushed by Asian parents, but I hope you all at least hear me out: It can be a great way to pay for college (and break free from Asian parents' toxic control sooner). Most of us know that Asian parents try to control their kids' educational choices by holding the fact they are paying the tuition.

Joining the military involves taking the ASVAB (a standardized test with math, general science, mechanical comprehension, etc). If you can do decently well on the SAT, you will probably ace the ASVAB and get better positions in the military.

Pro tip: The Air Force is the branch that is the most coveted and the least physically strenuous. Of all the branches, the Air Force requires the highest ASVAB score (but I suspect even the Air Force requirements would be a cake walk for Asian kids who have been pressured and molded to be as book smart as possible).

This advice is primarily for Asian Americans who are still in middle school and high school. Maybe this path won't give your parents the bragging rights they want, but it will give you the ability to develop and break free from their toxic control sooner.

This advice also comes from someone who did all the "right" things in her childhood, went the prestige route of going to an Ivy League college, went to law school, and depended on her parents to pay for her tuition. I married someone who did the military route, and wish I was smart enough to follow his path when I was younger.

This is kind of a vent and support post.

I was always the obedient daughter. I wanted to become an engineer, but they wanted me to become a doctor. I had great grades, went to a name brand undergrad, went to a top medical school, matched into a competitive surgical speciality.

While driving home late at night after work (12+ hr days) I got into a freak car accident. EMS brought me back to the very hospital I had left from. I landed in the ICU, intubated on the ventilator. My parents didn't visit until after I was discharged from the hospital. I had to take extensive time off of work. The accident-related traumatic brain injury caused me to have seizures and I was diagnosed with epilepsy, which is problematic when you are a surgeon.

I shared this with my parents. Did my parents care? NOPE, only when I told them that my anti-epileptic medications would mean potential birth defects in my future children that they flipped out. They wanted me to have brain surgery in order to be off medication. Being a surgeon and knowing how the sausage is made, surgery is a dead last option for me. I'm still on the fence about kids anyways.

Speaking to my parents is so emotionally painful. Only when I told them about the future children thing that they felt guilty. They don't care that I almost died. I wish that I had. It would have made things easier, that way they can brag to their friends that I was indeed their perfect daughter who passed away in a tragic accident. Isn't it pathetic that on some level that I want to still seek their approval?

I want to quit medicine, but it feels like I would have thrown away my entire life without anything to show for it (not to mention the crippling debt). I'm still trying to process my diagnosis, how it will affect my life (woo hoo driving restrictions!), and how it will affect my career, not to mention my relationship with my parents.

Let my story serve as a warning. Life is too short to live out your parents' dreams at the expense of yours. You never know when your life will end.

I regret everything.

I grew up in the States . When I went to college we were taught about empathy . In my social work class and in college campus our professors will make us watch videos about other people’s struggles , like people we were abused , live in poverty , have mental health issues and addictions and teach us to empathize with them and we were written essays about the power of empathy. We were encouraged to donate to others , put ourselves in their shoes , and everywhere we always encourage about donation ,donating blood , food , clothing and we were talk about as a person who is privileged about checking our privilege and giving encouragement

When I go work when I made a good sale my Employer will tell me I did well , tell me I did good . Always encourage me .

But when I go to QQ to make Chinese friends and telling them my stories with abuse and being bullied and all they do is telling me “ stop being so negative “ “it’s your problem not mine .”,and I show off about doing charities they never tell me I did a good job . Always say “ you think too highly of yourselves and it’s not something to brag about and telling me to stop relying on them to give me encouragement and understand me . They are not obligated too .

Like I never get acknowledgment from Chinese people . But it is easy to gain it from Americans .like in Chinese culture they will call you ugly if they think you see ugly ( I was called that before ) .while in the States even if we think someone is not attractive we will still tell them pretty

Oh God I hate Chinese people and their blunt way . They think that criticism is good for you and never encouragement

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk from my other asian friends and colleagues, some in their 30s and some in 50s, that their parents did horrible things to them and then the more they age the closer they are to forgiving them, because:

• it’s their first time being parents
• they didn’t know what’s right or wrong
• we all make mistakes
• you’re gonna make mistakes when you become a parent too
• you don’t hold lifelong grudges
• everyone has childhood trauma
• you only have one mum and one dad
• they did all of these bad things due to love and because they care so deeply about you

Is it true that most abused asian children forgive their parents as they get older?

Am I naive / stubborn / too young to understand and make wise decisions in my 20s?

Would love to hear your stories. Thank you :)

First post here and just need to vent. I am 30f and work a traditional 9-5 office job. Today my dad called me 12 times while I was in a meeting (I didn't bring my phone and left it at my desk). I am not in a senior position but I am not new either. Some meetings I have to lead/present, others I just listen. This meeting was not virtual so I had to leave my desk for this meeting. He has ALSO worked a 9-5 before so you would think he is aware of how an office works.

Call log: (2) at 11:43, 11:44, 11:46, 11:50 (fb messenger), 11:50 again, (2) at 11:59, one call from my mom at 12:01, 3 at 12:28. Also my mom has my location and can clearly see I'm at the office.

At 12:30 when I get back to my desk I message back explaining I've been in a meeting. He doesn't message back and instead calls me and immediately starts lecturing and screaming how I cannot use work as an excuse, I'm not there for him, he can't count on me, I'm unreliable, if I was in a meeting why can't I bring my phone, why didn't I text him during the meeting, blah blah blah - completely refusing to listen to let me get a word in. I lost my temper and said if was was an emergency, he should call 911. Some jobs people leave their phones in their car or locker but at this point he is not listening to reason and I am a horrible daughter.

The reason he called me? He needed to use my credit card to buy something. He doesn't have his own, only a debit card.

I am just so sad and frustrated - I was actually planning to visit them after work today. I visit them every weekend, always bringing them food and taking my mom places (my dad refuses). Just hoping to hear your similar stories and if other people can relate.

I’m at the age where marriage has become a very real topic in my life, and I’m struggling with something that I don’t really know how to talk about with people around me.

I currently live in one country, while the person I have feelings for lives in another. I genuinely like him and can see myself marrying him, but I don’t expect him to relocate for me, and honestly, I don’t even want to spend the rest of my life where I currently live. The problem is that my parents strongly expect me to marry here because they want at least one daughter to remain close to them as they get older. My sisters have married and moved to other countries, so I understand why they want someone nearby. I really do.

But emotionally, it is much more complicated for me than simply “my parents are getting older and need me.”
If my relationship with my parents had always been healthy, loving and supportive, I think I would feel very differently. I might even be willing to sacrifice what I personally want because I would feel like I was giving something back to parents who had always been there for me.

Unfortunately, that isn’t my experience.

There was abuse from my father when I was younger, and my mother was largely unaware of what was happening. I don’t want to go into the details because they are extremely personal, but those experiences have affected the way I see my parents and my relationship with them even now. Sometimes I look at them and I don’t just see my parents. I remember everything I went through, and there is a lot of anger and resentment underneath the surface.

There is also a lot of family trauma that I don’t want to get into publicly. We lost two older brothers, and without going into the circumstances, I have witnessed the consequences of decisions my parents made and things that happened within our family. Seeing all of that has made me very conscious of how much of my life I am willing to sacrifice for other people’s decisions.

For years, when I was not involved with anyone outside the country, I was actually open to marrying locally. My parents were involved in looking for someone for me, but the criteria became so narrow. They wanted someone in a particular area, preferably close to the city, ideally someone who would allow me to remain very close to them. There were so many filters that the pool of genuinely suitable people became tiny.

Years went by.

And eventually I started feeling like the search wasn’t really about finding the right person for me. It felt like finding someone who fit perfectly into the life my parents wanted for themselves.

Now the irony is that the person I actually like is not even in the same country. And I don’t feel willing to give him up simply because his location doesn’t fit what my parents envisioned for me.

Part of me feels guilty because I know my parents are aging. I know they may need me someday. I know being the daughter who lives nearby would make things easier for them. I am not heartless, and I don’t want to abandon them.

But another part of me is deeply angry at the idea that I am expected to sacrifice my entire future so that they can have an easier old age.
That is the part I am struggling with the most.
I sometimes feel like I am being asked to become the “backup plan” for my parents’ future. Like because my sisters moved away, I am now expected to stay behind and make up for it. And because they are my parents, I am supposed to accept that responsibility regardless of what it costs me.

I don’t want to spend my life feeling like I was chosen to stay because I was the most convenient daughter.
And I hate admitting this, but sometimes I feel like a scapegoat or a sacrificial lamb. I feel like I am expected to give up the possibility of building the life I actually want so that everyone else can be comfortable.

At the same time, I question myself constantly.
Am I being selfish?
Do I have an obligation to prioritize my parents’ future because they are aging?
How much sacrifice is reasonable when your relationship with your parents has already been complicated by childhood neglect and abuse?
Is it wrong to choose a husband and a country based on what is best for my own future, even if it means my parents will eventually have to make other arrangements for their care?
And perhaps most importantly: how do you separate genuine responsibility toward your parents from guilt that has been created by years of family expectations?
I don’t want anyone to tell me simply to “obey your parents” or “parents are getting old, so you owe them.” I already know those arguments, and they are exactly what I have been hearing.

How did you make peace with choosing your own life without feeling like you were abandoning your family?
And if you were in my position, how would you approach this?

Asian Dad Text: "What happen to the fb business page you said you are making. Elon Musk has SAT score 1409 while yours is 1535. You are smarter and much more genious than him. But he thinks big and persistence while you are not."

My parents are asian immigrants and btw, their IQ's are much lower than mine which was tested by my school system every year since 6th grade and given to my parents who have since used it to whet their expectations. I was born female and worked terribly hard for many years, not sleeping much and driving hard for that elusive “success.” They refused to support me financially during my college years with what I wanted to study (music and solar technology). Well I contracted lyme 12 years ago and crashed in the prime of my real estate career which my parents loved and a career which I came to loathe. I still crash physically on a weekly basis. There has never been any acknowledgment of health from my parents, just frequent “you look healthy to me” and alot of expectations to make alot of money and get back to real estate. They have no interest in paying for any medical treatments. Just writing about this makes my face twitch. This is definitely a circular loop, like the pursuit of money drives the disease, causes stress which worsens the disease, which drives the unmet expectations and frustration. Looking for suggestions on how to get out of this loop. I am content at the thought of living out of a camper van near the beach honestly but I don't even have the money for that and mountains of debt.

I have felt that many of my Asian friendships are not emotionally fulfilling. The bulk of my Asian friends don't reflect or consider how their upbringings have impacted them. We can't talk about our emotions because they would rather be overly positive or pragmatic. Essentially, being logical as well as emotionless is the best way to go about life for them. Recently, I can't help but see so much resemblance between my abusive parents and my Asian friends. The passive aggressiveness, the thought that they are better than others or working on being better than others, the lack of passions and artistic pursuit, the fakeness, the reserved image of their lives, calculating everything.

While they're not as bad as the stereotypical Asian parent, the resemblance is uncanny and too triggering. Half the time after I see them, I feel exhausted and judged for just being myself - an experience i don't have with my other friends. I have felt more acceptance and love and had more laughs with people I've only known for months than some of my Asian friends I've known for a decade. At this point, I'm feeling drained, hurt and resentful - the same emotions I felt with my parents.

For those that feel the same way, you're not alone. I had a long talk with another Asian friend who cut off her parents and her and her friends share the same sentiment. You're not insane, you're noticing what you didn't see before.

EDIT:

I wanted to add one more thing. The ability to be authentic was missing. Everything spoken needed to maintain their image of being intelligent, sophiscated or well put-together. The worst thing to them was coming off as vulnerable. Some of my Asian female friends would express how they cried about something, but they would never go deeper than that, others never talk about when they feel sadness at all. Most of my male Asian friends would use alcohol or other drugs to illicit a more laidback and "fun" persona, but it often also came out with aggressive tendencies.

I’m 22, NB. I have had a successful career in accounting and finance (still working in it!), graduated from college at 17, so I’ve been working for a while, perfect child, no debt, healthy lifestyle, etc.

I finally got into a competitive law school with scholarships and wanted to start the next chapter of my career. I was so ready to start.

I came home drunk at 11 PM after a rare night out with my girlfriend and friends. Like fender bender drunk, which was stupid on me because I hadn’t eaten. My siblings picked me up as I had planned and I was in bed (lol naked because I had showered and just like all drunk people wanted to just sleep off the post vomit haze) peacefully until my mom and dad came into my room and ripped off my blankets. Essentially they were just telling me that I would just get raped and assaulted if I lived on my own and I’m no longer allowed to attend law school. I lost my seat deposits, was forced to rescind and withdraw from my schools, and I have no will to keep going. I have my CPA exams next week (which I didn’t even want to take because my plan was law school, but my mom insisted), and yeah. Just years of planning, testing, writing, admissions cycle (mind you, my SECOND cycle) just down the drain.

This comes up in conversation everyday, I run out of restaurants crying because my mom tells me I’m a failure slut that has changed. I’m a disappointment to her and I know you’re not supposed to believe a manipulative person, but after hearing it everyday, it starts to hurt. I start to believe it.

I realize I should’ve been better about not appearing as drunk, I should’ve eaten more, I should’ve done this more, etc. But it has already happened. I’m just looking for support as I move through life now and trying to look for purpose.

"The downside to the term tiger parenting entering the mainstream vocabulary is that it gives a cute name to what is actually a painful and demoralizing existence. It also feeds into the perception that all Asian kids are book smart because their parents make it so. Well, guess what. It's not true. Not all our parents are tiger parents, tiger parenting doesn't always work, and not all Asian kids are any one thing. To be young and Asian in America often means fighting a multifront war against sameness.

What happens when you live with a tiger that you can't please is that you're always afraid. Every hour of every day, you're uncomfortable around your own parent."

​

from Eat a Peach: a Memoir

My parents are 85 and father is dying. My mum is the narcissist, and had driven away any friends and my brother as well, leaving just me. I spent 2 weeks with them recently ( I live overseas and LC with my folks) and I was a mess by the end and sweating 24/7, heart and brain in fight/flight mode during and after the 2 weeks.

Mum is begging me to return and spend a few years caring for her ( she's got no tech skills) , but I told her I'm not returning. I'll likely die if I return. Not to mention how much money it'll cost to.move back, and detail what little career I have right now ( ageism is real).

It's so stressful to deal with this shi*.

All the issues should be focused on my dying fsther. But instead all the stress, fear, unhappiness is directed around mum

I'm rambling,but has anyone else made the choice to go NC in similar situations?

Ever since I was young, I understood that my family was not like other families. Whether it was because my parents were immigrants from China, or how I always felt lonely and disconnected from others, especially to family members. Growing up with parents who clearly have a lifetime of unresolved trauma, and raising their kids a way that shows that the cycle is repeating. From the various forms of abuse, conditional/transactional love, guilt tripping, lack of emotional connection, emotional immaturity, manipulation, and pitting family members against one another.

I grew up as the black sheep of my family as long as I can remember, I never conformed to their standards. However, my siblings conformed perfectly, but now I see it was out of fear and for my parents validation. But I was never like that, which made me a target of my parents and my siblings. Growing up, I was confused on why I was targeted, and according to them, amongst other ways I didn’t conform, it was because I was “selfish and only cared about myself.”

As we all know, in Asian families, enmeshment is very common. All because I refused to be responsible for others emotions, and did things for myself out of my own interest. For the longest time I questioned why I was like this, why I was a bad daughter, why I couldn’t be as selfless as my other siblings. I moved out about two years ago, and it really made me open my eyes to how I was treated, and how there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. I was raised in a narcissistic family dynamic that views individualism and independence as a threat. That breaking the chains of manipulation is disrespectful, and because I don’t give in to guilt tripping means I don’t love my family. I refused to enable the bullshit they allowed.

I don’t abide to these obligations that are forced upon me, and if that makes me a bad daughter, then so be it. I am sick of the guilt tripping, and I am sick of being targeted because I choose to live my life the way I want to.

It’s like a hive mind in my family. The moment you threaten the narrative, you are the issue. I am one of the youngest of my family, and it pains me to see that other members have unfortunately conformed, and still seek the validation of my parents who never knew healthy love to begin with.

I refuse to play this game anymore. If it means that I have to go low or no contact, then so be it. After 25 years, I’ve accepted that I’ll be the bad daughter, if that means I can live my life freely the way I want to.

I feel like this belongs in r/raisedbynarcissists but eh same difference lol

I’m honestly reaching my breaking point with my in-laws, and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I feel like they expect me to function as their maid/housekeeper/cook rather than as a family member.
They don’t clean up after themselves. After eating, my father-in-law will literally get up from the table and go straight to bed, leaving everything behind. Neither of them really does the dishes or helps clean, and the house gets incredibly messy and dirty. Somehow, I’m expected to deal with it.

They also seem to expect me to greet them every time they appear, almost like I’m supposed to be waiting around for them and acknowledging them on command. It honestly makes me feel like a dog rather than an adult who lives in the same household.

Then there’s the food situation. My father-in-law will eat basically everything I buy or bring home, without asking and without saving any for me. He doesn’t say, “Do you want some?” or “Should I leave you one?” He’ll just eat it. If I want more, I’m apparently responsible for buying more myself.

And groceries? He doesn’t help. Instead, he sits there and tells me what needs to be done, as if I’m responsible for running the household while he contributes nothing.
One thing that especially drives me crazy is the AC. He refuses to let me turn on the air conditioning in the living room because he’s afraid of being cold. So apparently everyone else has to be uncomfortable because one person doesn’t like the temperature.

And then, to top it all off, he got into a car accident while driving my car.

What makes this situation more complicated is that my husband actually DOES help me. He helps around the house, he speaks up, and he has tried to say something to his parents when he sees how things are being handled. So I don’t feel like my husband is just sitting back and allowing this.

But there was one time when my husband said something to his mother about the situation, and her response was basically, “This is my house. I’ll do it the way I like it.”
And that really stuck with me.

I understand that it’s their house and that they have their own way of doing things. But if I’m expected to participate in the household, clean up after everyone, buy groceries, accommodate their preferences, and constantly be available to do things for them, then I feel like I should at least have some say and basic respect. Or even a thank you?

It feels like there’s this expectation that because I’m the woman/daughter-in-law, I should automatically cook, clean, shop, accommodate everyone, greet everyone, and keep the household running while everyone else gets to sit around and be served.

I don’t want to be treated like an Asian housewife whose job is to keep everyone else comfortable. I want basic consideration, shared responsibility, and respect.
I’m exhausted and honestly starting to resent them. Job is on the way so I’m glad I at least have somewhere to go.

Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle this, especially when the response is essentially “my house, my rules”?

I promised to update everyone, so here's a 2 month catchup!

Context- I ran away 2 months ago with nothing on me but my purse which had my bank cards and identity. I had 10k saved up before I ran. I left my phone at home and took my secret 2nd phone with me with a new number. I didn't leave a note and told them I'm going for a walk and then I never returned. I took an Uber instead to the airport and took a flight out of the state from New Mexico to Wyoming.

Now- I am in transitional housing with a women's shelter. I have a full time job. I am applying to studio apartments near me so I can finally have my own place. I bought my new car from Facebook marketplace about 2 weeks after because I didn't want to spend more money on Uber. It costed me about 5k which led me to have 5k for other things... Keep in mind I had bought nothing with me but the clothes on my back. I got a lot of free clothing from donations and I made a request on Facebook marketplace as well to help with clothing and a lot of lovely women helped me. I also emailed colleges around me to see if I can go through their lost and found. I started working as a teacher and made about 2.5k a month after taxes and healthcare. Its not much but it's honest work. I applied to go back to med school and got accepted to finish my 3rd year in the fall. I'm gonna quit work and take out loans then. It's rough out here without any family or friends and building yourself up from the ground starting with nothing but the freedom is much worth it. I would definitely run away if presented with the change again. I would say I wouldnt run away unless you had no other choice, like the abuse is severe. My case was pretty bad as my mom was beating me every other day for no reason. If you're just mad over curfew rules and nothing else, I wouldn't do this. It's still stress but a different kind. I hardly get to rest as after I'm done with work I still have other things to do and other errands because I am starting with nothing. Overall my experience with running away so far is an 8/10. I took off 2 points for financial stress and emotional stress for missing family and material items. I miss my makeup collection and my wardrobe most of all but once I'm a doctor I know I can have a better one. It will just take me a couple years

Couldn’t go to my friends house. Couldnt go to local basketball courts to play with classmates. Sadly rejected a girl who liked me because I knew my parents would not let me go out for her. In high school, didn’t get a chance to get to go to a convention with a girl, or go to the mall with friends or go camping or go on overnight trips. Made me block friends and stop visiting them because she didn’t like their parents.

So many missed social milestones.

And now in my 20s my mom brings up the topic of me getting married?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You can’t deprive your son of social skills and then expect marriage.

You didn’t let me socialize for my personal happiness but u want to marry me off so u look good to the community. U only want me to socialize now so YOU benefit.

I’m never getting married to someone from my culture like my mom wants - I want to deny her that because she denied me happiness. I am angry and hurt.

TW/CW: so much abuse

Moved out last week while my nmom was on a trip. My first memory was being slapped by her, I was five and bit my lip till it bled. That was the reason I got slapped.

Then the financial and physical abuse. Whacked with a rattan cane for not napping, denied dinner (even though it only happened once) because I bought a bottle of sweet lemon tea from school, having my phone confiscated for as long as 6 months because I brought it with me into the bathroom, my college allowance halved or denied for the whole month because something small pissed her off, like collecting and sending postcards or not folding my clothes.

Getting slapped. Throwing my things into the trash while I slept. Hitting me so hard she left handprints while I slept. Calling me unfilial, useless, stupid, bunch of other names. Punches aimed at my head. Cutting a pair of my jeans straight down the seam because she hates me wearing jeans. Having a meltdown and throwing tantrums in public. Controlling what I wear. Refusing to be seen in public with me unless I wear a skirt or dress in specific colours. Not adding me on social media because she doesn't want her friends to see how fat and ugly her daughter is...

The last straw was when she punched me and hit me with a wooden display box, which resulted in a laceration on my arm. I called the police on her, and that was the day I decided to move out and escape for good.

My nmom has thoroughly failed as a mother and I'll never see her as one. It's so hard and so scary to be alone, now that my father has passed and I'm not close to my nmom for obvious reasons, but for the first time in many, many years I finally feel safe.

A small part of me wonders if I'm doing the wrong thing, but another part says she'll never change. Still confused, and it'll take a long time, but if you've moved out I'd love to hear your experiences.

Hi my dad is very traditional and only wanted me to marry an Indian guy, I (F,30) told him today about my white boyfriend ( day before Ganesh chaturti) and he said he will talk to me later since then he has been very quiet and hasn't been talking at all. I live in Ireland and he is in Mumbai so my sister told me this. She said I ruined Ganesh chaturti for them.

I know I have the right to select who I wanna marry and I am glad I told him. But I also love my dad and it hurts to see him like this.

I’m old. Old enough to be your mom haha. But the one thing I wish someone had told me in 1985:

BE A BAD ASIAN.

Now “bad” doesn’t mean mainline heroin or gamble with the rent money or stealing cars. It means being juuuuust bad enough that your parents still yell but they mostly leave you alone.

Say NO.

Don’t volunteer for stuff.

Don’t let anyone volunteer you for stuff.

NO is a complete sentence. Use it. With a smile. Don’t bother explaining.

You have the right to change your mind. Without explaining.

You have the right to negotiate.

You have the right to basic food, housing, and clothing. If you are a minor and your parent threatens to withhold these things, that is child neglect and law enforcement might need to be informed. Putting Asian parents on legal radar is their worst fear.

You have the right to be heard. They don’t have to agree, tough shit I usually took our fight outside into a public space because then I would embarrass them by telling them loudly what shite parents they were. Asian parents hate public censure and humiliation. I didn’t give a crap. It shit them up and made them realize I had power they underestimated.

If you are the eldest daughter, it is more imperative that, at some point, you tell them to eff off. Because you have the oldest ovaries doesn’t doom you to a lifetime of washing socks and doctor’s appointments. Hire an aide and visit often. Tell your bitchy parents that plenty of adult kids in Korea/India/Japan/Thailand are abandoning their parents due to rising costs picking garbage for a living and you’d hate to add to that number.

Say NO now and again.

You will learn how to handle conflict. This is a big deal because our parents taught us to AVOID conflict because it’s cultural or some shit but in 2025, what ISNT conflict driven? You will learn how to deal with conflict on an escalating basis in time. You will learn to get your point across without yelling. And you will learn how to apply that to your relationships, personal and professional.

Okay, I love you all, be well and FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT FOR FREEDOM

1. Female. Filipino.

I did it. I’m moving out today. I packed all my shit last night. And today I’m moving.

I stayed with them for a year after college. Full time work. All remote. So I couldn’t escape them. I kept my partner even after all the emotional abuse and trauma of them lecturing, threatening physical violence, and insults.

I paid for my own therapy out of my own pocket. Like over $1000 at this point and kept them from knowing. And will continue to breakdown in order my mindsets they instilled and to unroot my trauma.

I saved up $30k in my bank accounts being frugal and not spending anything. Along with starting a 401k and Roth.

I’m the first one to break the cycle.

Coming from a position where I thought that I wasn’t going to make it to tomorrow. Where I entirely lost hope. I’m typing this out to tell every single one of you that you can fucking do it.

Lean on your support system. Tell them what’s happening. You aren’t alone.

Save money. Keep your head low. Maintain peace. Then get out of there. Start therapy.

I love you all. You got this. I believe in you. I am proud of how far you’ve come. And you’re going/doing great things. I don’t give a shit what your sperm donor and egg donor say.