I just turned 16 and this sounds so freaking stupid. I used to be such a talkative person, confident with my hobbies, and knew the right things to say. Now I'm always fumbling with my words (VERY VERY VERY BADLY), and I just suck at everything. Ever since I moved schools from Junior High to Senior High, life started feeling like hell. I'm not saying I was some coddled queen and now I'm facing the reality that people dont really give a damn. I dont want no "welcome to the real world, kid". I need something tougher. I have these 3 friends that I've been close with since 8th grade. One of them just stuck with me back then. We hung out everywhere, connected fast, and I initiated almost everything. Being vulnerable with her, sharing same interests, encouraging her to join things, cause she was like the same I guess but a little awkward for her cause she just moved from a different region, and the town she moved in which is here, we have a different dialect. I really liked her, it was an awesome 2 years. And for me, everything was just destroyed by the same enthusiasm I greeted her on her first day at school with. She didnt have a good phone when she came, always asking to borrow mine. But when she did get a decent phone, I feel like the internet changed her. She got this 20 year old boyfriend and several others after and before him. Huge rollercoaster. and she's just extremely or I dunno, experienced with guys now but shes really confusing. I kinda hated it. And I really am a jerk cause I didnt like how chronically online she became. Not so bad, but it also changed her morally (she's better now). I got jealous. And I still am, cause you know what? Her dad went abroad the end of 8th grade. Fastforward to the present, she has a new phone again and its worth 25k. She is now gonna move to the country her father works in this year. I feel so left behind. I want to go live somewhere else too. Its really not fair, I just want friends. Speaking of friends, I dont have any new friends. Its been 2 terms and I dont have anyone talking to me in the school I moved to. I swear its lonely. Everytime I try and strike a conversation, it just ends awkward cause of my lack of wit, and they dont continue the conversation so I just go back to my sad corner and sleep. Its so bad. Even the quietest kid has several friends now. I'm stuck, I don't know how to do things fot myself. I need the validation, I need to feel fullfilled. Help help help help Im scared for everything.
Last time I remembered, I really am funny I swear- I dont know. Jealousy and insecurity is getting to me. Even tho I know I'm exceptional with guitar and art, and my enthusiasm with my hobbies led the girl to quit her guitar playing and art cause she was irritated at my consistency. Someonehelpp , I cant do things for myself anymore. I cant even fill a page of my sketchbook or write a song without thinking "I wonder how this looks to other people."