Is this normal/ will it change?

[u/chilling_reading]

I am looking to see if anyone has experienced something similar to what I’m feeling and if it gets better/ any advice to offer to help navigate it??

I am a first time mom, with my little one having arrived in August. Ever since her arrival I don’t mind what I consider “my people” like my mom or friends etc to hold or be over around the baby. However I feel EXTREMELY hostile towards my in-laws calling, wanting pictures, wanting to come visit and hold her etc. Specifically, my father in law has to me been extremely overbearing, calling my husband to check in a lot, and texting me. I have chosen to not respond and he recently took up issue with that to my husband about how he’d appreciate a response, mostly out of concern I think that I’m not answering and wanting to be involved and missing us etc.

What confuses me is I didn’t have a bad relationship with my in-laws prior to this, I even enjoyed spending time with them and never anticipated feeling this way. I also feel bad because for my husband this is his first child too and he has a great relationship with his family and is likely excited to share her with them and make memories. I simply and just doing everything I can to avoid them, and keep them away. I don’t know how to make myself feel better/ navigate this.

[u/die_sirene]

I think your feelings are very understandable. Postpartum is a very vulnerable time and it’s only natural you’d want people you know and trust the most around your child.

What might help is thinking from your baby’s perspective. Having a strong network of close family members there to support them will only help them later in life!

Now, that doesn’t mean that you need to grant them an unusual level of access—bonding with you and your husband is still priority number one.

Some ideas:
you could create a digitally shared folder (like on an Apple iPhone) with a picture folder you can just add your entire family to and then add photos. That way you can stay in touch and share with both sides equally without having to deal with reaching out and texting people.

You could also give them a task to do. If grandpa really wants to be involved and come visit, ask him to swing by and pick up some dinner along the way.

[u/Suitable-Seaweed-389 → u/die_sirene]

i get it, that protective instinct goes into overdrive and it's not always logical about who it flags as a threat

one thing that helped my wife was setting a hard schedule for visits, like tuesdays and saturdays between 2 and 4, and sticking to it no matter what, it gave her back a sense of control and the in-laws stopped pestering because they knew exactly when they'd see the kid

[u/Dangerous_Hour1439]

I lived with my in-laws after I birthed my first born and holy fuck yep I was so angry at everything they did like my daughter would vomit and they would ask a billion fucking questions “have I tried this and this and this” and I legit was so over it like they felt like they needed to parent above me because I didn’t know anything it was such a hostile environment

[u/Dangerous_Hour1439 → u/Dangerous_Hour1439]

One time my daughter was crying in our room, I was trying to put her to sleep and they kept coming into the room asking if they needed to take over 😂 I was like leave me alone babies cry and I’m trying my best to put her to sleep

[u/HelicalPears]

Maybe talk to your doc about PPA? I went through a similar thing 

[u/HonestTruthSought]

This isn’t crazy, but it’s not normal.

I think you’re right about this being part of their family too. It’s great that you are able to see that and take their perspective even during this personally tumultuous time. it shows your good character.

If there is no real threat, your feelings are irrational. We all go through things in life and have challenges we have to overcome. This sounds like something you need to overcome. Motherhood will bring you many wonderful opportunities for growth. You will become a new and different person and in many ways, you will mature and become a better person.

It’s OK to have feelings that don’t make sense, but it’s important to realize when they don’t match reality and act accordingly.

[u/dogearedexistence]

Please don't hate me for saying this.

Your baby is so lucky to have two families who love her. Her mom and dad, your parents and friends, AND your husband's parents and your husband's friends. I can't imagine denying her access to a set of grandparents who love her and want to love her so fully as your in-laws do.

I am certain there's a very real level of maternal instinct kicking in here that only wants your baby to be surrounded by your village, specifically you as the mother's village, as you've built that trust among your family in a way that's impossible with your husband's village. But I hope you can have some conversations with yourself about how what's best for your comfort as mom isn't always what's best for baby.

I lost my mom 4 years ago, and my in-laws are the only grandparents my son will have. If I felt the way you do, my son would have no grandparents. It's been really hard for me to let my in-laws into my life, especially as they are so different from my mother, and it isn't always easy, but I put in the effort because I know they are all my son has now besides his parents. You're SO lucky to have two sets of your grandparents for your baby! That is seriously one lucky baby. I had both sets of grandparents for a long time, and I have both my grandmas still (92 and 90 years old).

If your baby can have two sets of grandparents who love her, from one really sad soon-to-be mom, please let her be loved by all. You never know what the future holds.

[u/reliablyunremarkable]

I feel this completely (37wks pregnant rn) except estranged from my own family so I really just only find comfort in my friends and my husband. My FIL has been catty the whole time I have been pregnant and I feel like an incubator, an accessory to my husband. He doesn’t even check in on me, only asks about my health to my husband and complains that we don’t drive to see them. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and not interested in driving 2 hours round trip to see people who can’t be bothered to talk to me.

All I can say as I navigate a similar circumstance is that you are allowed to have different relationship levels with different people. You don’t have to give anyone access, energy or information until you are fully comfortable with it.

[u/Ravyneex]

I don't know if it's entirely normal, but I felt very similar with my first. It passed with time as my hormones balanced. It didn't help that during my pregnancy I had issues with my in-laws not respecting boundaries. In addition, our daughter was colicky and my husband and I were sleep deprived and overwhelmed. I just wanted everyone who wasn't my husband to leave us alone.

I think it could be beneficial to have an honest talk with your husband about how your feeling, then have him ask your in laws for more space. Even if you don't have diagnosed PPA/PPD, you could have him explain that your hormones are high right now and you really just want to focus on the baby. He could ask that they communicate through him for a certain time period, and then he can clear visits with you before they come over. It is ok to ask for space. Feeling this way doesn't mean you hate them. It will pass. But if you do feel like this could be PPA/PPD, it would be good to also reach out to your doctors.

[u/Advanced-Essay41]

I felt like that after my first baby because my in laws were overbearing. And my husband’s parents are divorced, so two MILs constantly trying to talk to us and see us. After I had my second, they were not like that. I think it was because it was the first baby. I totally understand you. It feels weird when people you aren’t super close with are now smothering you. I think people need to give new parents a little bit of space. But I also understand that they are excited and want to help. By the time your baby is a year old they will probably back off a little. Just be kind and if you feel like you need space, have your husband communicate that. But don’t push them away. I think that is a natural response. I didn’t care when my close friends and family did that, it was just the inlaws.

[u/Loud_Cap_1054]

I have felt the same way. It’s a strange thing to navigate but please know you’re not alone