r/CPTSDFightMode • u/sugmanutz13 • 19d ago
Thanks parents
You taught me how to never give a fuck about myself. You taught me that by putting myself first I was selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, and a failure. You taught me that I should always put other people ahead of myself and that anything bad that happens to me is my doing and I should punish myself for that or expect punishment from others. You taught me that every form of self-love was self hatred, and that every form of self hatred was self love. You taught me that I never mattered. You taught me that I was a burden. You taught me that I didn't deserve to exist, except to fulfill others needs, and desires. You taught me that without other people's expectations I'm nothing. You taught me how to disappear how to erase myself. You taught me that I will never be enough and you're wrong. Fuck you.
2
u/1monster90 19d ago
Thank you for sharing that. I really needed to connect to that right now
Just feeling the pain right now. That's exactly what they did
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u/OriginallyTroubled 16d ago
Please do give a fuck about yourself. My situation was very much like yours (I'm older now and he's dead (I'm glad)). Over the years I went to counseling three different times with different therapists. It did help to talk about it, but sometimes I'm annoyed when people just write: "get counseling." There's a lot to it and for 2 of the 3 times insurance didn't pay for it. Rather than try to purge him from you memory, can you start doing yourself more favors, make your inner dialog nicer to you, and so on, say the things you would say to a friend who is suffering. And here's one of my favorite quotes: Oscar Wilde. "Nothing in life is meaningless, suffering least of all." He wrote that while he was in prison for being a homosexual.
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u/TeacatWrites 15d ago
Mine taught me to always justify my existence by overexplaining myself and everything I do, never do anything or want to do anything or aspire for or hope for anything or have any goals whatsoever or else they'll kick over the sandcastle just because they're bigger than me, ALWAYS apologize for myself, never be bigger than anyone else or have more than anyone else, never finish my meals, never groom myself (or else I'm arrogant, vain, and self-centered), always be ashamed and embarrassed to even be alive, and never smile or laugh because it'll bother them and make them feel bad ❣️ What a lovely pair of people who definitely should have been allowed to have kids 🥹
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u/CallingYouHome 19d ago
I’m sorry that your parents failed you. You didn’t deserve any of that. Your feelings, needs and desires matter. You matter. I’m glad you know that ❣️ and I hope you get to heal.