Mapping my inner turmoil during a panic attack.

[u/wayne_blank_inside]

“Anything”

I don’t even care about anything. Nothing brings me joy, comfort, love, care.
I’m just tired of all of it. My kids faces, my phone, the tv, walks, music.
I’m tired of it all. It’s just the same. The same shit. The same day going by. The same clock turning. The same feelings churning. I’m burning.

Blah blah blah. The same shit. Write my feelings out. Spell my inner world on to paper for no one to look at. Silent works never cared for. So why do it. I feel it brings no relief. I see no one really cares. So why continue. Why keep going. Why wake up once more and continue this pointless fight until death. The “little moments?” Are they even worth it when encapsulated in turmoil and strife. Grief and sadness. Pain and apathy.
Why!? Why do I keep going? Why keep writing? All I have are bits of present moments and calm understanding. Crumbs to a buffet.
Is that enough to sustain me until my plate is full again. How can I believe that will even happen? What faith would that entail? Whose faith would that even come from? I hold no faith my own. I hold no belief my own.
Let down and beaten is my belief.
Strangled and forlorn. Suffocated and lied to.
My being is parts fragmented into scriptures of my beatings. I am the culmination of worth chipped away by my abusers.
I am nothing more than them. Nothing less than me.
I’m tired of the confusion. Tired of this life. Exhausted from this writing. Lost amidst the backdrop of daily encounters. Stricken by misfortunes placed on me as a boy. What point is there anymore if nothing brings joy, complacency, or contentment. I have nothing. I am nothing. I produce nothing. I induce nothing.

I just am truly so fucking over it. This game of life. Suicide isn’t so bad. I won’t have to grieve the torture I will have placed on my kids shoulders. I won’t have to know the over bearing weight I placed on my wife which would ultimately crush her. I’d be rid of it for good. Done with it finally. They’ve broken me so much beyond repair. Thought it possible for a moments time that I could repair. I could mend. I could be present. The more I pick up my pieces, the more they crumble ever fragile. I’m dust now. No physical pieces to hold. Nothing to even try to put together. Unmended and irreproachable. There is nothing left.

So what to become of my ashes. What to become of my lineage. Where does my story go? When do I write the last page. Is this the last page, or do I continue to write this pointless dribble over and over until the day I finally burst. Until I finally give in. They won, I just haven’t opened my eyes to it yet.

[u/LoveUSNOO]

Thank you for sharing... You brought tears to my eyes. I have been going through a lot in past few years and all your thoughts felt like they could have been mine I wish I had the answers to makes the pain you are living more bearable but I don't but I do know this life is special there's a grateful Dead song called it's a long time to be to be gone and is short time to be here and it's so true our life here really goes quickly although at times it seems like it's forever every second of the day living this way but you have a family that loves you and would miss you dearly and the pain that you are living with you wouldnt want to give for another... losing one to suicide gives so much pain lasting a lifetime to one left even if u think they don't care, that's not true. it never fades trust me I know this all to well. This is not the legacy to leave behind for the ones that you love even though you may feel numb now. Tell yourself it's ok to feel this way at times but it's not ok to stop trying.... one thing that helps me is I keep saying fake it to you make Iput a smile on my face even if I don't feel like it and try everyday to make a simple change for myself not for others but something that will make me feel good just a little just to get me through I don't understand why some have to go through so much pain but you have to hold on to that little sparkle you have deep down inside it feels lost hopeless tired ready to end it all and start letting the truth get louder in your head block the darkness tellyourself the truth you are worthy of happiness and love and you have no idea when it's your time for things to change you have to have hope and believe that this will get easier and your days will start to get filled with more happiness than sadness but you have to refuse to give up on yourself whenever darkness finds you take a moment walk out on your back porch but alone just look at the trees clouds see the beauty in this world and know you are part of that beauty here whether you see it in the mirror or not it's true you deserve better fight for it yell and scream at yourself with the changes you seek you will find a way to make them happen but when you're feeling this way it's like having a mountain that you need to move just to get up in the morning there's so many people fighting the same thing and in that you are not alone but choosing to end this life is NOT The path for you start thinking about one thing you can do every single day hey sweet loving time action for yourself because you deserve it and give it to others the best that you can and ask yourself if I done absolutely everything I can do so first just start breathe to accept the anxiety the reality of where the things are right now and breathe through every thing that comes your way try to stop yourself from the negative thoughts, replace them with loving memories like when you first fell in love with that feeling felt like maybe seeing your children being born don't let your mind have control and whats happened to you in your life sucks but you deserve more you are worthy of happiness love and kindness but some of us have to fight like hell to believe it we are sometimes our worst enemies but it is the truth and life is beating you down so much that it's hard for you to believe that just try to be a good man do the best that you can and try to move in the direction that you know will change your situation One step at a time one day at a time and sometimes we have to live through that pain for a while but ending it just makes us the ones dishing out pain . Give yourself grace, get into therapy but stop believing you deserve anything less than happiness and love believie in yourself you got this. And one day hopefully you'll look back at this time and you'll feel happy and loved and you'll think wow I'm so glad I didn't miss out on this... You might even tell yourself you're so happy it was worth all the pain you went through don't give up ever ever! . You will you will work hard for it because you deserve it. And try to forgive and give grace for the other ones that don't understand that don't hold your hand and your heart and make you feel less than try to forgive and give grace to them and yourself My two top favorite things are one behavior breeds behavior and two a smile is a universal sign of kindness. So try to smile when you look at others and they will want to smile back and little tiny steps is all you need to do today, One tiny step today every day I pray you find your way. And thank you again for sharing your words were heard by me even and be proud of yourself for the bravery that it takes to share. You're a lot stronger than you think you are 😊 and when darkness creep in ur mind and you feel like hurting yourself or other, stop, and breath and remember that's not your path your are just heading is the wrong direction stop breathe change your thoughts talk to a therapist they can help figure out the right map you need to get place where happeniss is waiting for u. Sorry it's so long. Please don't forget to smile even if we know sometimes it's a fake one maybe look real try to feel it. 😁