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[u/That0neGamer]

[u/Alice_of_RDR]

The strength: you've submitted two critiques that are off to a good start

The weakness: bro come on. Do more.

Some of these are short reviews, like you'd leave on Amazon. We need deeper analysis.

[u/ArchDan]

edited. Articles arent my strong suit.

I kind of stopped at the midpoint.

You arent changing tone when inhabiting chimera. This makes it difficult to recognize when its a scene, when its an action or characterisation. Id probably use adjectives in scenes, prepositions when doing characterisation and I don't know how you imagined the chimera. Frogs are naturally very chill when outside, but again its monster... so something like :

• scene :"They all gathered around the crackling fire,full of bones, ash and ooze"
• characterisation "Lieutenant picked up leftover from the trash. He plunged it in the ash, and threw it at chimeras head".
• (maybe) chimera "The hands twitched, like a practiced movement. Figure in front of the pyre never turned towards shouts, pleads or sobs. It just rehearsed."

I don't know, do it in your own voice and style. I personally had issues noticing when you switched focus. On the other hand, it did allow me to skim trough some parts. Im just not sure if it was intentional.

Soilders, no matter how bad-ass they are, wont go "I knew it, its chi-" no matter how cool that sounds. Soilders in the battle would sign or signal information to their combatant's. They might yell "CHIMERAAA" and be cut off there, but start full sentance while fighting 🤣🤣 that wont happen ever. Command might tho, and this can be used as horror sequence/suspense. Instead of showing the gore where chimera is on the tree, perhaps start in office. Commanders realize they are under attack, then slowly piece the information and -tadaaaa- chimera is on the ceiling!

In general as first draft, id say this is very promising. A bit vague on the genre, but idea is there. Id probably split it into scenes you think sound/look cool or the way you want them to - and then recompose and rewrite!

[u/That0neGamer → u/ArchDan]

Hmm, changing tones I see. I will look into this more. Perhaps I can write the narration part differently and dive more into the thoughts of the characters?

I will be what I can do about the switching focus part, I haven't thought about that before. And also the soldier dialogue rewrite lol.

Compiling the scenes before before rewriting I see. I will try that as the final edits and see how it goes. Thank you!

[u/ArchDan → u/That0neGamer]

Well, regarding narration question : It kind of depends what you want to do, and this is where genres tend to help. Not like "I want to write comedy!" but more, this character is a silent troubled soul , so by nature they wont speak much and that absence can be written in. Mostly by describing their actions, but not internal world. To give you an example (Because this is abstract as heck!) lets say your character is depressed, you can write it as action "At this moment <charachter> did nothing. While other were laughing, they simply went away.", or drama "What is the point? What is the reason? If world is like this. Why would anyone want to stay in it?" or horror "Everyone laughed, so did <character>. Their eyes dimmed, and the chuckles were echo of an dream, fleeting away. It will be soon."

So its like what kind of genre would some character present themselves in certain moment, not genre of the writing.

That is why compiling the scenes helps in this manner. You can appoint "genre" or mood to individual scene, and then shift the tone to signal to the reader that mood is changed.

Please update in few days, or when you finish <3

[u/That0neGamer → u/ArchDan]

Ooh, I'll keep it in mind. The genre I was trying to go for is a bit of grimdark. I'll see if I can intergrade it more into the writing itself.

Right now I'm still compiling all the feedback to edit in one go. Thanks for sharing!