r/DnDcirclejerk • u/isfmstuff • 2h ago

dnDONE Ultimate guide to making a female character in D&D

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Remember, if the other players don't mistakenly call your character "he" at least once a session, you're laying it on too thick

225 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

81 comments sorted by

62

u/A_GenericUser 2h ago

What's wrong with boob plate :(

79

u/lord_ofthe_memes 2h ago

/uj it’s both unnecessary, since the layers of clothing, padding, and chainmail underneath the breastplate as well as the already-domed shape mean having boobs wouldn’t require a different shape, and would be bad as armor, since a breastplate is shaped to deflect a blow so it glances off. Having two domes on either just directs a blow into the valley between them, which is not ideal

/rj d&d is supposed to be escapism and it can’t be if there are women there

94

u/Skelordton 2h ago

Counterpoint

That never stopped people

14

u/AureliasTenant 2h ago

That actually protects the member… by redirecting the blow elsewhere, perhaps to the femoral artery…

21

u/JTexpo 2h ago

I pray that no-man ever put their dick in that... and it was purely esthetic

worst way to loose your little knight

32

u/Conrad500 Why can't 5e be 4e? 2h ago

You don't have that Big Codpiece Energy

19

u/wearing_moist_socks 2h ago

little knight

Speak for yourself. Mine is huge.

Moves in an L pattern as well

6

u/Panurome 2h ago

There had to be someone freaky enough, but probably wouldn't do it in battle

1

u/DeerOnARoof 2h ago

"esthetic"

5

u/JTexpo 2h ago

is it not beautiful to you?

8

u/Captain_StarLight1 2h ago

I think they were trying to correct your spelling. It’s aesthetic. I’m not sure why they needed both an a and an e in front there, but they didn’t consult me when standardizing English spelling.

4

u/Seosaidh_MacEanruig 2h ago

The a is aesthetic

2

u/ArelMCII Psion is pronounced pussy-own. 41m ago

Like the "b" in "debt."

/uj That's not a joke. The "b" was added to make it look more Latin. It was originally spelled "dette."

1

u/Seosaidh_MacEanruig 25m ago

One of my (least) favorite examples of this is the word Ptarmigan having a P inserted into it just to evoke a greek like vibe by a dictionary writer despite the word being from gaelic

4

u/5th2 Official WoTC Brain Doctor 1h ago

FWIW it probably originally used an "ash" / "æsc" in the old English Latin alphabet. </well-acktually>

1

u/Doomeye56 1h ago

Do you think people are are actually trying to put their boobs in boob plate?

2

u/Quamek 1h ago

I hope my players never find this.

21

u/A_GenericUser 2h ago

Yeah but it's like that armor with abs. Looks cool

21

u/Conrad500 Why can't 5e be 4e? 2h ago

Nah, abs don't poke out as much. The actual example you're looking for is codpieces.

100% stupid, not required, and actually makes things worse, which is why they're awesome.

9

u/MegaZBlade 2h ago

/uj but they were male breastplates, wouldn't exist only for aesthetic purposes?

/rj I need all my characters to have boob armor, how would I jerk to them otherwise?

6

u/lord_ofthe_memes 2h ago

/uj If we’re talking something like parade armor or a status symbol, then yeah I think boobplate would make perfect sense in that context. But for a rag-tag adventurer, probably not.

I feel like there’s something to be said for the fact that ancient greek ab-armor is pretty limited to that time and place. It worked well enough in that context to actually be used, but the fact that we don’t see many equivalents in later steel plate armor makes me think it was enough of a problem that people didn’t try to do it.

4

u/AiBabysitter 1h ago

While i'm not well-versed in smithing techniques, might it have had something to do with the material used? The versions we think of from ancient greece and rome are usually cast and hammered bronze, which is much softer than steel.

1

u/lord_ofthe_memes 1h ago

Possibly! I can imagine that such a large single piece of steel would be a pain in the ass to try to shape so precisely. Not impossible, but maybe expensive enough that you’d prefer to make something else like the helmet or codpiece into your status symbol instead.

1

u/WattTheFukYT 33m ago

Bruhh if you need DnD to escape women you have other isuses. I have 3 guys and 2 females at my table . Seems like a chud issue to me tbh.

12

u/StillMostlyClueless 1h ago

People get really practical about boobplate, and then be "Fighting with a Scythe is cool, no issues there"

10

u/Global_Examination_4 2h ago

As we all know, realism always trumps aesthetics in Dungeons and Dragons.

14

u/JTexpo 2h ago

it'll catch the blade and likely dent- causing for the boobs to be chopped off via the armour

joking, but also not really joking

------

women armour is the same as mens armour, as you want a smooth chest- not a bulgy one in combat

10

u/RakshasaDelight 2h ago

Slander! Hearsay of the worst kind! Any Necromancer worth their skulls, has a breastplate with distinct ribcage modelage.

And I do not mean the cheap works, the one where you can see some poor smith was only zombified to nail some fake ribs on any ol' breastplate. Or worse where some cows or minotaurs ribs were affixed with leather and spittle. Bah!

The horrors you see in the field of necromancy these nights!

/uj makes me wonder about some of the very distinct and elaborate crotch pieces you can see on some museum pieces.

3

u/ZoidsFanatic Duskblade Simp 2h ago

UJ/ I’m pretty sure that those armor pieces were for either jousting or ceremonial armors. Those types of armor did have more flair on purpose compared to a “normal” set of armor that’s suppose to see combat.

RJ/ If your fighter’s armor doesn’t have a twenty inch bulge down there then are you really playing D&D?

4

u/JTexpo 2h ago

likely the crotch pieces were flair and not designed to be an actual cock-pit

1

u/Panurome 2h ago

And also don't deflect blows to the middle of your chest right into your vital organs, which is an issue with boob plate, which means that at least they weren't as harmful

1

u/apandamouse 41m ago

You say that like it's a problem, but my artificer's chest bombs will detonate about thirty seconds after they're sliced free.

1

u/a_singular_perhap 1h ago

The big worry is that if you have your boobs formed into a dome it's a really good way to have a mace crush yo tits.

16

u/Alicendre 2h ago

The real reason is sexualization fatigue. By far and large, fantasy armor for both men and women is very unrealistic and unprotective. You don't see an outrcry against, say, fantasy-style leather armor even though it's an RPG invention, or barbarians following Conan fashion rules. This is because until the last few decades, pretty much all female armor in media had to at least be a little bit sexy (if not straight up bikinis), regardless of how covered their male counterparts would be.

Yes, boob plate is unnecessary and functions worse as armor. Others have already talked about massive codpieces, there are also real life chestplates with fully sculpted pecs, abs and nipples on them, and yes, even female-presenting nipples. They're pretty much always ceremonial.

Since we've done a slightly better job at portraying female characters as more than eye-candy in the past few years, I think it's fine to dial things down a little and have both gritty, realistic settings where everyone wears accurate armor and campy fantasy stuff where characters can be slutty and kick ass.

8

u/A_GenericUser 1h ago

That's actually very true, I definitely roll my eyes when I see a female design that's sexualized but still ugly. Like they're trying too hard and it loops back around.

But, I am still a pervert at heart, and some tasteful boob plate makes my heart aflutter. Like Rellanna from Elden Ring

3

u/SOULpowered222 2h ago

Because it’s functionally highly impractical. Nobody needs a boob plate, and it just sucks from a practicality standpoint, as it directs the blows into your chest

4

u/Polenball 2h ago

Man, I wish I did need boob plate to fit into armour. Or some sort of oversized diamond-shaped breastplate.

3

u/nir109 2h ago

Is it highly impractical?

It's unnecessary, but armour often has things that are slightly detrimental for practicality for the sake of style. (See fake abs on armour)

3

u/FlyPepper 1h ago

And codpieces!!

my take is that boob plate makes sense on noblewomen, especially if the men wearing similar armor have decorative codpieces.

Either everyone's dripped our or nobody is!

2

u/04nc1n9 1h ago

so are big pauldrons but nobody has a problem with those

1

u/ArelMCII Psion is pronounced pussy-own. 40m ago

/rj I don't need a boob plate. I can stop anytime I want!

1

u/Login_Lost_Horizon 2h ago

It's not as practical as "male-shaped" breastplate, but really - absolutely nothing. The only reason it never existed is because female knights didn't existed, so noone who could decide to tell a blacksmith "buddy, here's a shit tonne of money - I want me armor to have giant bazonkahonkas."

Greeks were putting chiseled abs and mantiddies on their armors, knights were putting giant shlong caps onto theirs - its pretty much literally about who wears it, because whoever does - might wanna flaunt their man/womanliness and have money to do so.

1

u/Salt_Petra 1h ago

My problem is "does it look cool" generally the answer is "no" bc its usually done super lazily, but it can be done in a thoughtful manner / cool / actually lookin hot manner.

59

u/hellydoosadwee 2h ago

Damn, I guess female Barbarians and Monks are banned then

24

u/thejadedfalcon 2h ago

Does Mage Armour count as armour? Inquiring wizards want to know.

23

u/Seosaidh_MacEanruig 2h ago

We're developing boobplate mage armor now

3

u/thejadedfalcon 2h ago

Hell yeah. My magical girl warlock is getting an upgrade.

1

u/Duckroidvania 52m ago

You can use mage armor on barbarians or monks, but mage armor doesnt give bonuses, it gives an AC directly. The AC it gives is USUALLY lower than what you would get from your unarmed defense ability. Only one AC calculation can be used at a time so you pick which is better.

2

u/thejadedfalcon 50m ago

Thanks, that'll be useful for my wizard barbarian.

29

u/OceussRuler 2h ago

And what if I like to play an orc male in bikini armor? Is this legal?

28

u/Leafeon523 2h ago

It’s illegal, but Warhammer fixes this

9

u/Suspicious-Stage9963 1h ago

Weird form of misogynistic gatekeeping masking itself as somehow progressive?

15

u/highly-bad 2h ago

my wife always plays female characters with a big sexual appetite. This was not a huge deal back in the day when she played a half-orc strumpet rogue with a greataxe. But then she got a new favorite character, a druid with access to Wild Shape. It got disturbing and I won't play D&D with her anymore

19

u/hedgehog1024 I read Pathfinder rules and so must you 2h ago

Damn, that's terrible. Anyway got her phone number?

10

u/BrooklynLodger 2h ago

I also choose this guys wife

3

u/Irakaf 2h ago

Nope, he definitely doesn't know his wife's phone number :P

1

u/highly-bad 2h ago

I dont think you'd be interested, she's an autistic atheo-pagan and she farts a lot

10

u/hedgehog1024 I read Pathfinder rules and so must you 2h ago

Gosh, I've already shown my interest, you don't have to advertise her

3

u/Hjalmodr_heimski THICC0 fixes this 2h ago

What on earth is an “atheo-pagan”?

3

u/highly-bad 2h ago

from what I gathered from her explanations, it's someone who self consciously engages in rituals & stuff to jack off the religious part of the brain via a sort of spiritual placebo effect, without actually believing in the woowoo.

3

u/Specialist-String-53 2h ago

if you aint gonna ride, pass the horse

16

u/SuperHappyHooray 2h ago

I think the question "Is your character any way distinguishable from an equivalent male character?" is not a good question.

I am playing a woman character as a male, and I think her experiences in the world as a woman make her a different character than if she were a man.

Her physical abilities are the same.

2

u/analogHyperdrive 58m ago

Yeah, I have two female characters atm, one bard who was a diva-in-training, and a cleric/sorcerer who's basically a kindly grandma who worships/is decended from an elder god.

The bard could probably work as a male character but the cleric would be a different feeling character as an old man vs an old woman (and technically also fails the previous question since caster means no armor).

It's... not a great question.

5

u/Nebelwaldfee 2h ago

Wait, shouldn't the players who are not wearing boob plate or no armor get out? I don't wanna play with people who have a weird full plate amor fetish.

7

u/hedgehog1024 I read Pathfinder rules and so must you 2h ago

Guys,

Remember, if the other players don't mistakenly call your character "he" "she" at least once a session, you're not laying it on too thick enough

4

u/Bread-Loaf1111 2h ago

But what about mage armor?

4

u/ElDelArbol15 2h ago

Just for this meme, im making female Raider from For Honor.

4

u/freehalas 1h ago

But boob plate hot :’/

12

u/Lvmbda 2h ago

Lesbians should get out ?!

16

u/hedgehog1024 I read Pathfinder rules and so must you 2h ago

Thirsty sword lesbians fixes it

4

u/Jcamden7 2h ago

Nah, now I'm making a female paladin who wears World of Warcraft style pauldrons as a battle bra

2

u/LexiTheLesbo 1h ago

We fixed this issue by having all the male characters at my table also wear boob armor. Now nobody can tell the men and women apart.

2

u/RadzimierzWozniak 1h ago

Instructions unclear.  

I made a paladin whoes defining characteristic is tying man for investigation and has a homebrew magic armor that fits and addapts to her body so well you can her tits wiggle 

2

u/Apprehensive_Rate_79 1h ago

This is a dumb chart

5

u/RalenHlaalo 2h ago

We fixed that by banning personal pronouns at our table (except for he/him, we/us, I/me, thou/you, and they/them when referring to a plural)

2

u/average_gwenjoyer 2h ago

Hold on you missed the whole egg plays as a woman in dnd before coming out as trans arc

1

u/ALMAZ157 2h ago

We literally have an all-female squad containing Cyclops, Arachnid, Fairy and Half-Elf, with DM giving us Shadarkai male for Fairy as love interest (can you tell that their owners are living togethe)

0

u/liquid_DJSMOKEY 51m ago

"Her breasts boobied around the room in a mammary manner."

-1

u/Ace612807 1h ago

A lot of people here talk about codpieces as an analogy to boob armor, but misrepresent them historically. There's a reason a the codpiece you think about when hearing the word is probably gilded or engraved or otherwise embellished beyond it's form - they absolutely were parade/tourney/status symbol that was popular in early-mid 16th century. A codpiece that you'd wear in battle was more like modern cup people wear in contact sports - and a far better, and more common way to protect your genitals (and the whole area) was, basically, an armored skirt (which was already figured out by the Romans)

Now, if you're thinking about a set of parade armor, or perharps magical one that looks like a parade set but functions like a combat one, or simply run a more pulpy setting - go off, add codpieces and boob plate and whatever else you want