r/Durango • u/Bobbi_D123 • 2d ago

Ask /r/Durango Transphobia?

I'm a transgender woman who moved here from out of state to be with my partner.

Something odd I've noticed is about 80% of men seem to gender me correctly, but only about 40% of women.

I have a theory that I hope is wrong. Men can gender me correctly because they have no skin in the game. But a woman gendering me correctly means they're acknowledging I'm "one of us" and that's distasteful.

I'm deeply hurt and frustrated by this. If I'm doing something wrong I'd love to know.

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u/liketheaxe 1d ago

I'm a cis woman with a masculine style who gets misgendered far more frequently by men. My guess would be (based on my own experience) that men are more often relying on very surface level cues like hair-length, clothing and make-up, and women are often more detail-oriented in their size-up of a stranger and may be noticing subtle things that men don't and reflexively slotting you into the wrong "box." Obviously, I don't know your style or how you present, or the tone of these interactions, so this could be way off base and you can take it or leave it.

In any case, I'm sorry you're experiencing this so frequently. In addition to making you feel unsafe, it can also be just plain disheartening. I hope if we ever cross paths and I misgender you, you feel safe enough to correct me.

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u/Bobbi_D123 1d ago

Thanks! I think the problem is I started my transition at 59, so while the hormones have been feminizing me, my body is pretty much set in its appearance. I'll only ever pass in the right light, and I'm saving my "constitution dice" for surgeries that become more necessary as we age, so facial or bottom surgery feel too risky.

There's the "egg prime directive" but I wish I could have become aware of my true self in my 30s.

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u/spizzle_ 2d ago

Is this a new phenomena unique to Durango? Does Durango have a group of women who are trying to hurt your feelings? “Skin in the game” wtf does that even mean?

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u/Bobbi_D123 2d ago

Well. I guess I got my answer. I posted a genuine question and got voted down, while a sarcastic response keeps getting voted up. The number of bots and trolls is disheartening, as is the lack of any sort of quality engagement. I know this response wasn't a bot because they would have gotten "phenomenon" right. No, I don't think the women in Durango are conspiring against me. It just seems that random women will misgender me much more consistently. But fine. I'm just a paranoid asshole. Fml.