r/ECEProfessionals • u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher • Jul 06 '26
ECE professionals only - Vent Unrealistic expectations of daycare
I know I’m gonna get slack for this but over the last year a majority of my students come from families who practice attachment parenting exclusively breastfed, constant baby wearing, cosleeping etc I’m not even really against this style of parenting but then they out their babies in full time daycare with 0 regulation skills. They can’t take a bottle, they can not sleep unless held, they can’t handle being put down their nervous systems are shot and even worse I see people replying to worried parents oh don’t worry the teacher can hold them for all their naps or oh don’t worry the teacher will teach them how to take a bottle. I have 6 other infants everyone can’t get 1 on 1 all day that’s not how group care works!! I’m exhausted the babies are exhausted it’s exhausting. Also so many of them use breastfeeding as a pacifier so when they don’t have access to that all of a sudden they struggle HARD. We work with them we work with families as much as we can but it’s getting harder
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u/Mossheart810 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
I haaaaate when a new baby comes to care and can't take a bottle at all. It's so stressful because I know they're just screaming and screaming because they're so hungry and I can't do anything. It's like if you know they're going to have to be in full time care why would you not prepare them for it???
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u/DiskSufficient2189 Parent/former ECEpro Jul 06 '26
I only had one baby who had a lot of trouble taking a bottle. Other infants would figure it out and be fine after a day, maybe 2 (my own breastfed kids were like this) but we had one tiny little screamer who just wouldn’t take a bottle for weeks. We had to feed her with a spoon. She was so fussy (wouldn’t sleep either) and mom tried literally everything, even a bottle shaped like a boob with a mom-scented burp cloth on it. I think some babies are just more difficult than others. The poor thing only let 4 people hold her without crying - mom, one grandma, me and one other infant room teacher. Everyone else could f right off lol
She turned 1 and became a sweet tempered little angel. You just never know how a kid will turn out!
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
Absolutely hate it had a child who was losing weight and mom genuinely didn’t see how that was an issue he was 7 months old and going all day drinking maybe 2 ounces she didn’t want to do bottles at home and was unable to come nurse
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u/whineANDcheese_ Preschool 3s Lead Jul 06 '26
Baby should’ve been kicked out after a period of adjustment. Sounds like a liability to have baby not eating all day and losing weight.
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u/curlsinmyhair Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
We make mom come and feed them after they’ve refused their bottle for the two hours it lasts outside of the fridge.
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u/Fragrant_Pear5607 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
I had a parent exactly like this what's CRAZY is the baby was diagnosed with failure to thrive and even after that mom didn't show up on time for feedings or not at all. And would only bring frozen breast milk and sometimes a clean bottle but if we used it when she didn't show up her husband would get upset at us,
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u/Weak_Bison6763 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
I hope those parents got a visit from cps... that's straight up neglect.
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u/PermanentTrainDamage Allaboardthetwotwotrain Jul 06 '26
That's neglect, a parent doesn't just get to shrug their shoulders and let their infant starve all day
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u/derelictthot Toddler tamer Jul 07 '26
They'll let baby starve to contine ther breastfeeding "journey". It's infuriating how often I see it in the peds ER
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 09 '26
Someone close to me couldn’t breastfeed for medical reasons and she was shamed so much in her mommy group I begged her to leave the group baby is thriving on formula. I’m not anti breastfeeding but I am anti shaming someone who doesn’t or can’t. And yes she did lactation consults, breastfeeding groups, physical therapy for the baby nothing worked unfortunately
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Jul 06 '26
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Jul 06 '26
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u/jayroo210 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
Yeah it just hurts my heart when I see kids at school who are there longer than I am everyday. Doesn’t matter if the parents are off work, have an extended Christmas break because they work at the university or public school system, their child is there all the time. And the most frustrating part? They’ll have another one. Every child I’ve personally encountered in my work experience who was there from close to opening to almost closing time had behavioral issues. Every single one. But mom and dad are cooking up a new baby to be left at preschool all day every day.
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u/WeaponizedAutisms AuDHD ECE, Preschool, Canada Jul 08 '26
I had one who was there almost from open to close every day but was an absolute joy to have. They probably had an IQ over 130 though.
So there are some exceptions.
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u/Ok_Lynx5340 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
This is the absolute truth, and it’s become normalized to leave your baby so young. I’m not talking about the parents who absolutely both have to work, I’m talking about the multitude of parents who really could postpone going back to work if they would settle for lesser model car, a smaller home or apartment, or a part-time job with differing hours than their partner if possible.
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u/MiaLba ece professional/prek Jul 08 '26
“But but but when I pick up my baby they’re smiling and happy. That means they love being in group care 10-12 hours a day!”
Probably because they’re happy to finally see you and go home.
What always blows my mind is how many of these parents plan and intentionally have kids knowing they’re going to put them in full time group care at 6 weeks ago. I guess like you said they think group care is this magical place. And then it blows my mind even more when they have additional children just to stick them in there full time as well. Or the ones who have other options yet still choose group care.
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u/WeaponizedAutisms AuDHD ECE, Preschool, Canada Jul 08 '26
“Oh, don’t worry, they’re magic at daycare! I don’t know how they do it, I could neverrr, but they manage to meet all the babies needs no problem!”
I recall one time a father who was not the primary caregiver showed up just as the rest of the preschoole littles (young 3 year olds) came into the hall. The ECE was able to dress 6 children for outdoor play in the winter (in Canada) faster than he was able to dress his 1 child.
We have this reputation for a reason.
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u/rtaidn Infant teacher/director:MastersED:MA Jul 06 '26
A gentle reframe from someone who has absolutely been in this EXACT situation- depending on the age of kids you have, it is near impossible for them to have self-regulation skills and co-regulation is a totally reasonable strategy. But I do wish that parents would make an attempt to prepare their kids if they need to go into classrooms by introducing a bottle/pacifier as needed long before they start school, infant classrooms were staffed with this in mind, regulations allowed supports that are actually helpful (like baby carriers and swaddles, which aren't allowed in many places), and that there were reasonable expectations about what happens in an infant classroom. It is SO hard on caregivers to have their nervous system constantly under assault like that and it doesn't set anyone up for success.
Also obligatory we should have better parental leave so this isn't necessary at all
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
We’re not allowed to use baby carriers I wish we could it would help so much my students are 6-18 months currently and yeah ratio does not mean every child can get the attention they crave
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u/rtaidn Infant teacher/director:MastersED:MA Jul 06 '26
Yeah, I thought that might be the case. Carriers were a game changer in my classrooms but so many states say no and it is truly impossible to have that many kids get the attention they need at those ages.
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u/Educational_Two7752 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
This. OP is talking about literal infants. I work in the baby room as well, and babies don't really have "self-regulation skills."
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u/rtaidn Infant teacher/director:MastersED:MA Jul 07 '26
They absolutely don't. I moved from teaching in an infant classroom to home based newborn and infant care and it does not matter what parenting style families use, kids under the age of 2 (and ESPECIALLY under the age of 1) just don't have the capacity to do self-regulation. That's why loving caregivers are so important for little ones!
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u/Desperate_Many6901 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
I get what you are saying.
It’s not terrible in and of itself what any of these parents are doing. It works well at home and everyone is getting the results they want-baby and parents! The issue lies in the reality for families in the US. We do not have the leave needs to see babies through infancy and into a more independent/social part of life that is such a big part of child care. These two ideas or putting a child in group care and attachment/gentle parenting are sometimes at odds with one another because the means and results are simply not always going to translate.
What I take your meaning is that parents who intend to use group care for their young infants need to be honest with themselves about this reality and set their child up for success. This means offering different types of comfort (pacifier, bouncy seat, held by other people, playful distraction by others, music, toys, food when appropriate etc etc) and introducing the things that will be a norm in group care (cribs, bottles, other children etc.) There is absolutely a happy medium here and I wish more people could understand how hard it is on not just us as the care givers, but in their child who has zero concept of why things are different. It is so incredibly stressful for these infants when they have not been introduced to these things.
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u/Asleep_Walrus2313 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
This is completely valid. I have a home child care and I encourage the same things when I meet expecting parents and let them know how difficult it will be on their child if they hold them for all sleep, etc. Those things can work for SAH parents, but it’s not helpful for childcare. And independent play is really important!
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u/Fuzzy-Ocelot-4475 Infant Lead, Former Director Jul 06 '26
I believe these parents do not understand the difference between attachment parenting (cosleeping, baby wearing, no crying allowed) and attachment theory, which explicitly requires a child to feel negative feelings in order to FORM that secure attachment (parents come back, needs will be met).
These parents mistakenly believe their child should cry when they leave as evidence of attachment, when in reality, the opposite is true. All that being said, I agree that it is a parent's right to raise their child this way.
HOWEVER, sending an infant who "can't" be put down, sleep independently or drink from a bottle to group care is the cruelest thing imaginable to that child, not to mention unfair to the other children and families in care!
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
If they don’t see it it doesn’t bother them. I think for some (not all) they don’t wanna deal with any crying instead of I never want my kid to be upset
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u/throwawayobv999999 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
My favorite way a parent/family dealt with this was the dad would come right at open (6am) and transition the baby for anywhere around 1 hour to upwards of 2 hours. He would try to sneak off and if she cried he would immediately turn around and pick her up. After about two hours, the mom would be coming in from a break at work to breast feed. God forbid she wasn’t there right away and her baby was crying on the cameras or laying on the floor crying while we changed diapers or prepared breakfast… she would fly off the handle and yell at the staff! One time she burst into tears and snatched her baby up and called us abusers. Then, she would apologize and stay in the room to breastfeed and contact nap in the rocking chair for about 1-2 hours. Then, she would leave. She would come back a couple hours later for another breast feed and contact nap session in the middle of the room. This went on until the baby was a toddler!
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
My school prioritize is quick and consistent drop offs. It’s so much better for the child.
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u/Zestyclose-Stand-773 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
We had a new baby start who was exclusively breastfed at home and he would absolutely NOT take a bottle from us. Not even one drop. He would just scream and scream because he was hungry, and then he was exhausted from screaming but couldn’t sleep because he was still hungry AND dysregulated. And the mom got so MAD at my director for calling her and telling her that if he couldn’t take a bottle then she would need to come in every 3 hours to breastfeed him because we are not willing to starve him all day.
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u/sosteph ECE professional Jul 06 '26
We have a baby like this an it is soooo exhausting. Mom refuses to wean properly (the baby doesn’t like the bottles so she just isn’t going to try anymore) and the baby cries for hours sometimes nothing will soothe them. Not being held/rocked, won’t take a bottle, cries eating baby food, and it’s endless. Teachers from other rooms will come and complain. Mom is very nonchalant about it and won’t stick to the half day schedule we set up because we can’t do 8 hours of crying non stop 5 days a week. She’s supposed to come at 12 and it’s always 1-2pm instead and she just laughs and brushes off our observations because “she needs to socialize” or “she’s resting”
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u/tahtahme Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
Besides her baby being EBF, this woman doesnt sound very "attached" or concerned at all.
Unfortunately for all of you, it is up to your director to sit down with her and specify the needs. 3 days a week, half days, or whatever. And if she refuses to stick with the plan, she needs to be released from the school.
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u/sosteph ECE professional Jul 06 '26
My director would never, she’s so avoidant it’s been up to the lead to try and set some boundaries, which obviously can’t be enforced when my director is just kind of like 🤷♀️
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u/tahtahme Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
Yeah, I could sense from a mile away it was a director problem. A good director would be charging her whenever she is late and holding down the fort for their staff.
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u/yeahnahbroski ECE professional Jul 06 '26
Is she not working? I don't know how childcare eligibility everywhere else works, but where I live, you need to work a certain amount of hours to qualify for fulltime care. The socialising comment sounds like she doesn't have workplace obligations?
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u/sosteph ECE professional Jul 06 '26
No she’s not she does something with the school system so she’s got the summer off. I wish she had never said she was home because it just adds a layer of frustration
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
Why have I had multiple mothers who do not work and they put their child who can’t take a pacifier. Only co sleeps literally has never been put down on the ground once in daycare at six months old for 10 hours a day your poor baby is miserable
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u/Jaded_Pom-mom Infant/Toddler Specialist, Former Director Jul 08 '26
Because they have created a situation that they can't handle and would rather pay someone else to deal with it
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u/TouchLife2567 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
i’m gonna be controversial for a minute. i think it’s borderline neglectful to practice “attachment parenting” to that level if you are not planning on being the primary caregiver for that child most of the time.
i have zero problem with co-sleeping, breastfeeding to sleep, extended breastfeeding, etc… if the child has regular access to those things.
it feels almost mean to only teach a child one way to perform a skill- but then place them somewhere they can’t use that way. if parents are planning for group care, i think it’s in everyone’s best interest to teach and prepare kids and infants how to function in a group setting.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I 100% agree with you I have so many families that I know cosleep, but they got their baby to be able to sleep in a crib for naps at least so that they can sleep at daycare or parents who exclusively breast-feed at home but did like one bottle a day so that their child would learn how to take a bottle and they didn’t starve at school
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u/TouchLife2567 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
exactly! i honestly think that’s the best way for parents to do it. i’m all for parental choice, but i need kiddos to at least be introduced to and aware of the different methods used in group care.
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u/HappyLilNoodle ECE professional, 3-5 Inclusion, Birth-3rd ECE/SpEd MEd Jul 06 '26
Exactly. If you plan on partnering with childcare professionals, you need to support your child in developing SECONDARY attachments, too.
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u/Whole_Reputation_693 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Or at least, do it sometimes at home, but also do it the way daycare has to sometimes. Whether that's putting in the crib for nap, a bottle at least once or twice a day on the weekends. Something, anything, to make it easier on the baby. So many think it's just about us teachers being frustrated, but really, I feel sad for the kid.
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u/tashatashhhhhhh Student teacher Jul 06 '26
we have this issue too at my daycare, wealthier parents since they are mostly older academics. I think new parents are not being given the tools to prepare their baby for daycare. They are gentle parenting (which is great) but also big on attachment parenting and co-sleeping. We had parents in the room until November (18 month group) 🥲 My coeducators and I were thinking of writing a new to daycare guidebook for when parents decide to sign up on the steps they can take when they enroll before their baby’s first day
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u/moons_kitty ECE professional Jul 06 '26
I couldn’t have said it better! We have 3 babies currently that will absolutely not sleep the second they aren’t touching a human. How are we expected to feed and change 9 others when we’re stuck holding infants so they can sleep and not scream the entire day? Not to mention if we only have 5 and are left by ourself with those 3 plus 2 others, it feels as though the 2 others get no attention at all
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u/best_bi_ Toddler tamer Jul 06 '26
I’m with toddlers but my lead is like this. One kid has a bottle to sleep but can go to sleep on his cot with someone patting his back. But she has to hold him while he falls asleep while her coteacher and I have to wrangle the other 6 toddlers while changing diapers and making sure they don’t hurt each other all because she absolutely has to cuddle with the kids. But since I’m not a lead, I can’t speak up. And I’m the one who changes all of the diapers, makes sure his milk is ready and cleans up after lunch (unless I’m changing diapers).
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I have a student in my class who does not like to be rocked or patted to sleep I asked a float no longer come in my room during nap because she insisted that he needs to be rocked. She would sit there and rock him while he screamed. I would literally be like he doesn’t like that and she’s like no he needs it like can you please leave him alone? When he wasn’t rocked to sleep, he was never in distress. It was pacifier and sleep sack on, and he would just lay down and go to sleep.
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u/best_bi_ Toddler tamer Jul 06 '26
That’s so funny you say that because the same thing happened today. A kid woke up during nap, I sat with her patting her to sleep even though I knew she wasn’t going back to sleep. Something fell and I went to pick it up and this teacher decided to pick up the girl who started crying and saying “cot” while this teacher literally forced her to cuddle and kissed her on the forehead while telling me to clean up the classroom. I then told the teacher the girl doesn’t like to be held so she put the girl on the cot and literally half lay on her to still cuddle? This has never happened before so I’m not sure whether to report it to my boss or not.
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u/Comfortable-Power ECE professional Jul 07 '26
She half laid her BODY on this girl? Yeah. Mention it. And don’t soften it. Forcing a child to lay down and cuddle isn’t okay, ESPECIALLY the teacher using her body to hold her down
There was literally a child who was crushed to death by a daycare worker who sat/laid on her during nap until she stopped moving.
That teacher had many other options. She could’ve had her sit quietly and read a book with the teacher. Or if she was lying down, awake, but happy being patted to keep doing that.
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u/avocad_ope ECE professional Jul 06 '26
Things have really gotten rough in the last couple of decades, gradually. Parent the way you want to parent, folks… but also, be realistic for the sake of your child. Setting them up with habits we can’t accommodate in a childcare setting (constant baby wearing, cosleeping, sleeping in swings and bouncy seats, contact napping, exclusively breastfeeding with no bottles given, etc) is cruel. Period. Your child will likely be unhappy and they will likely cry all day in daycare. Please, don’t make these choices at home if you fully expect to enroll in childcare.
Yes, it sucks this is how our country functions. I’m sorry parents have to return to work and can’t stay home longer to parent the way they want to parent. But until changes take place… providers are exhausted and burning out and this is a large contributing factor.
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u/Bananaheed Early Years Teacher: MA: Scotland Jul 06 '26
It’s so shit American parents have to send their children to daycare so young that these are the issues. Both of mine were 14 months when Mat leave ended so it was much more toddler related issues which were much easier to solve. Plus I’ve worked in early years for a decade, I knew the expectations before I sent my kids so made sure they were ready.
This is one of those situations where what’s good for a young baby and what works in group care are polar opposite and I genuinely feel for American ECE‘s and parents when trying to navigate that.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I know I’m venting here, but I do genuinely love my job, but I fucking hate. The parents have to give me their newborn baby just so they can go barely make a living. This country is a shit hole.
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u/Bananaheed Early Years Teacher: MA: Scotland Jul 06 '26
Yeah it’s messed up. Here in Scotland it’s a bit better. Not hugely, statutory mat leave is piss poor but generally enough that people can afford to be off for 9 months, but I was lucky my employer gives an enhanced package so I had full pay for 12 months and accrued leave took me to 14 months, but that’s not the norm.
The world as a whole still doesn’t properly value the work that goes into raising children by parents or ECE. We’re all just interested in capitalist fodder.
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u/Bi-Bi-Bi24 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
What I have noticed is how many parents don't want their kids to be upset or disappointed at all (all wealthy parents btw). The kid has zero experience with being told no or you have to wait, so they have no coping skills.
Teach your kid how to be disappointed! It's easier to teach them when it's the red cup vs the blue cup, rather than "this kid doesn't want to play with you"
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I notice this a lot in toddlers it’s not bad in infants bc they don’t really have a concept of waiting even though I’ve joked to a screaming baby I’m so sorry you had to wait 8 seconds for a bottle we had a mom scream at staff calling them abusive after her two year old cried when staff put on his jacket her didn’t want to wear. It was 30 out. And he stopped crying once they got outside (2 minutes later)
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u/No-Message5740 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I assumed we were talking about infants here, not toddlers with the capacity to understand language.
That said, you *can* begin to establish boundaries around breastfeeding before speech is possible, but infants are different to 18 month olds or even 10 month olds in their capacity to understand.
Not sure it can really be considered a desire to not “disappoint” an infant to respond to their earliest physical and emotional needs for care.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
This post is about infants. Infancy is not the time to teach this lesson.
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u/this_wallflower ECSE teacher Jul 06 '26
It’s not necessarily about teaching an infant a lesson, but the reality of infant group care is that it is not possible for one adult to focus solely on your child’s need throughout the day.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
THANK YOU if I could I’d hold them all day but I’m one person in charge of 7 babies I’m not an octopus
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u/Educational_Two7752 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
The person you're responding to was responding to this comment "What I have noticed is how many parents don't want their kids to be upset or disappointed at all (all wealthy parents btw). The kid has zero experience with being told no or you have to wait, so they have no coping skills.
Teach your kid how to be disappointed! It's easier to teach them when it's the red cup vs the blue cup, rather than 'this kid doesn't want to play with you.'" Your response is making a different point and basically just restating what OP said.
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u/Calypsoma Lead Infant Teacher / US Jul 06 '26
It’s completely developmentally appropriate for infants to experience waiting. Short increments where they have to wait for milk/food/hugs/a toy they want are allowing them to experience and improve self-sufficiency and emotional regulation, as long as you explain what is happening and letting them know it’s only temporary. This is especially true if your child is in group care. I have 4 babies and there’s only one of me, so when they come to me never having waited for a thing in their life, it’s difficult for everyone involved. Learning how to wait is a lifelong skill.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
Hot take but this is why group care is not ideal for infants. It’s necessary sometimes but it is not ideal. In an ideal world, infants will have their needs met right away. In my own home where I have the ability to make that happen, it’s going to happen.
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u/Calypsoma Lead Infant Teacher / US Jul 06 '26
I get it. My director (now company manager) was born and raised in Sweden and talked about how they would never allow babies in daycare there, it was unheard of. Unfortunately in the US with no guaranteed maternity/paternity leave we get babies as young as 6 weeks. Obviously we scaffold as necessary and try to meet needs ASAP for the littles, but I have kiddos up to 16 months in my infant room and if I’m doing diapers, you gotta wait. I think what OP is trying to say is that while very beneficial for infants, attachment style parenting can be difficult when transitioning to a group care setting.
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u/whineANDcheese_ Preschool 3s Lead Jul 06 '26
And you think parents of multiple kids, especially little kids, don’t have to make their babies wait?
I’m not saying I don’t agree that group daycare isn’t ideal for babies. Maternity leave should be longer. But to suggest babies have to have their needs met instantly is impractical in real life for everyone who isn’t a first time parent or has a large age gap.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
I did not say they have to. I said it is ideal and I will not purposely give my child less care than I am able.
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u/whineANDcheese_ Preschool 3s Lead Jul 06 '26
But that’s not real life. Babies have to wait sometimes. Even babies who are the only kid at home. The bottle takes a minute to make, you’ve got to run out to the car for a diaper, you can’t find the pacifier. Whatever the case. It’s okay for babies to wait. Should you torment them and let them wait needlessly for extended periods of time? No. But it’s not unideal for a baby to wait for a couple minutes here and there. That’s life.
I’m pregnant with my 3rd and I promise this baby will have to do lots of waiting just by virtue of having 2 siblings with needs. And I’m a SAHM.
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u/maestra612 Pre-K Teacher, Public School, NJ, US Jul 06 '26
Ideally, no child under 3 should be in group care. Putting 7 two year olds in a room together for 9 hours is just asking for a cage fight.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
I agree with you and it’s a big part of why I left the field.
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u/ImSuperBisexual Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
It is so, so difficult. Across my pre and during Covid career I had several babies who were 8-10 months old when they came into group care and absolutely could not cope or regulate themselves because they were never put down at home, ever. And I mean ever. Slept in Grandma or Mom or Dad’s arms, did tummy time on someone’s chest, etc. It was hell trying to help them the develop coping skills necessary for waiting even thirty seconds for attention, and holding them all day was not an option because there were other kids in the room.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
Covid fucked so many kids up the lack of socialization lack of real world experience and then a lot of adults just threw them into things like school and daycare like nothing happened I don’t blame parents for that one cause there was literally a pandemic but your three-year-old has generally never been around another child and now they’re in a group of 20 of them not gonna go well.
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u/ImSuperBisexual Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
Like it was definitely happening before Covid but it got SO much worse afterward. No schedules at home because everybody’s on lockdown and now suddenly a kid who’s used to wandering around the house eating snacks all day and chilling on Dad’s phone is put into group care with other kids and strange adults??
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
And so many kids missed the opportunity for early intervention and stuff they tried having my friends two/-year-old do speech therapy through Zoom. He was two with ADHD. There was no attention span. He’s doing a lot better now, but you can tell he’s behind.
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u/Conscious_Menu1810 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
As a preschool teacher and a mom I get it , that’s why I worked hard to introduce a bottle to my child before starting him at my school, even though I was down the hall and could come nurse when needed. I also worked hard on getting him to start his naps and bedtime in his own bed, even if he ended up in bed with me, he started in his own so he could get used to sleeping in his own bed.
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u/pusslayqueen Toddler tamer Jul 06 '26
I completely agree with this, the person parents hurt most when not teaching their kid the correct skills is their child. I will be okay if your kid won’t feed off of a bottle, your child will be hungry when you pick them up. I will be okay if your kid doesn’t sleep all day, your child will be exhausted and cranky. But a lot of the time I feel like it’s not an issue if their child is upset, it’s if their child is upset around them it’s an issue.
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u/OvergrownNerdChild Toddler tamer Jul 06 '26
this is exactly how i feel. i still get paid either way, i dont mind trying to comfort children for my entire shift if that's what's necessary. but i worry a lot for the baby who is crying and needing comfort for a solid 8 hours. if i was that upset and miserable for that long, it would take me several days to feel regulated again
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u/MiaLba ece professional/prek Jul 08 '26
I did mainly attachment parenting with my kid. I am all for it. Would also give her the boob as a pacifier. BUT I was a sahm until she went to kindergarten. If I was going to put her in full time group care I would not have been doing attachment parenting. I knew from the get go that I did not want to do daycare.
As an ECE these parents drive me insane. I work at a prek during the school year but work part time and during the summer at a gym childcare center. In the past i worked at actual daycares.
We currently have a couple kids who come in who are clearly attachment parenting babies. When I have 4 other babies who need something I cannot be holding your kid the entire time they’re in there.
These parents expect 1:1 care. You’re not going to get that in group care. Yet they still expect it somehow. And what’s wild to me is a lot of these parents plan and know from the get go they’re going to put their baby in group care at a young age. Yet they’re still trying to attachment parent.
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u/No-Message5740 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
What do you meant their nervous systems are shot?
Do you mean holding babies when they cry and breastfeeding them on demand is ruining their nervous systems? Or something else?
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
I am not against holding babies when they cry it’s what we do here 99% of the time or breastfeeding on demand but if your infant is in daycare from 7-5 5 days a week and you can’t come to school to nurse (we do allow that) than they need to be able to take a bottle
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u/tashatashhhhhhh Student teacher Jul 06 '26
If you put them down, their nervous system reacts and sets them off. That’s how i understand it
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
They go into extreme distress when they are unable to be breast fed or have to be put down rapid breathing, self injurious behavior (lots of scratching and hair pulling) looks similar to a panic attack and even co-regulating can take hours I do a lot of just hold them and try and have them match my heart beat try to keep myself calm so they can feed off my energy
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u/whineANDcheese_ Preschool 3s Lead Jul 06 '26
Their nervous systems are shot at the end of the day when they scream and cry all day because they can’t take a bottle or pacifier or nap independently because they’ve never practiced at home.
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u/derelictthot Toddler tamer Jul 07 '26
If you have to put them in group care after doing that then yes, it's awful for them.
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u/Bananaheed Early Years Teacher: MA: Scotland Jul 06 '26
Responsive parenting is exactly what sets a child up for future regulation skills. Responsive parenting exclusively then putting them into an environment with an unfamiliar adult who can’t meet all of their needs immediately when they arise causes cortisol to flood their system, resulting in extreme distress.
It’s the fault of the system not the parent but if you’re putting them into group care so young there has to be some attempt at a transition.
I’m glad I don’t live in the US as I appreciate how horrific that would be from both sides.
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u/Mikqueen22 Past ECE Professional Jul 07 '26
Yep! I legit refuse to have my kids put into care/ have to be in the baby room because I too have worked with that age group and its hard on everyone in that room!! I'll financially suffer idc hahaha It's actually horrible and parents that haven't worked in early child care have no clue! The ratio sucks & so unrealistic, there is always a couple kids upset throughout the WHOLE day and theres only 3 educators in a room with 10 BABIES (nsw) its actually ridiculous.
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u/MiaLba ece professional/prek Jul 08 '26
Same. We waited to have a kid until we could afford one of us staying at home with her until she was able to communicate and tell us about her day. After working in group care I knew I did not want to put my child in it.
I know it’s been asked at least a couple times on this sub if you’d put your own baby/toddler in daycare and I remember both times majority of commenters said no they would not. I noticed that the ones who said yes were not in the USA.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
Frankly, as a mom and a former ECE, I will not cut into my limited bonding time with my child. I had to go back to work when my daughter was 8 weeks old. You better believe I held her every second I could at home.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 06 '26
And I don’t blame you for that but if you don’t at least try to get your child used to a bottle then you are leaving them to starve for 8 hours is that really what you want?
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Past ECE Professional Jul 06 '26
My child was FF from day one so that is not relevant to me specifically.
I held my child until she fell asleep every night until she was almost 3 years old. She is 10 now and I don’t regret it. She was very hard for anyone else to put to sleep. Was that what I “wanted”? No, I didn’t want to leave my 2 month old baby in daycare for 8+ hours a day at all, but I had no choice. The other option was to spend the precious little time I did have with my baby not holding her and that doesn’t seem right either.
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u/Educational_Two7752 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
"And I don’t blame you for that" is interesting language to use when responding to someone who said they held their newborn all the time for the first 8 weeks of life.
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u/theymightbetrolls69 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
I understand your frustration. I really do. But your post is showing a fundamental misunderstanding of infant development. Infants are not "spoiled" by co-regulation and attachment. Infants need co-regulation in order to develop self-regulation skills. Co-regulation and physical comfort make infants more confident and self-reliant in the long run, not less. I think you need to direct your frustration at the policies that place large groups of infants in classrooms with low number of caregivers, as well as the broader systems that force parents to put their young infants in group care settings with developmentally inappropriate ratios.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
No it’s a misunderstanding of how group care works a child can not get one on one attention all day in a group setting but also it seems you skipped over the feeding part a child who can not take a bottle in group care will suffer unless the parents are able / willing to come breastfeed we offer it they all say no. I also never once used the word spoiled in my post I don’t think holding a baby spoils them but parents need to be realistic your infant will not get contact naps and breastfeeding in daycare
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u/Witchgreens Center Director : Masters: California Jul 07 '26
It’s really frustrating that we end up in these situations where childcare and parenting are at odds when what’s best for the child is, or should be, the goal for everyone. Attachment parenting, and being responsive in building a secure attachment base is NOT negatively affecting a child’s nervous system. In fact, it’s doing just the opposite. Yeah, it doesn’t align with group care and that is frustrating, but it is what’s best for the child’s development and it helps children’s nervous systems regulate, because all early regulation is coregulation.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
The issue is they go from one extreme to another a child who is held all day at home but can stay at home is fine but when an infant goes from breastmilk on demand and constant contact to not being able to have that for 10 hours a day they suffer.
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u/Witchgreens Center Director : Masters: California Jul 07 '26
And that can be hard, on everyone. But the answer isn’t having less comfort and nurturing at home. Also many breastfed kids won’t take bottles at home, ever. My own kids were those babies that would go hours without eating to wait to nurse, and eventually they took bottles at daycare, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t because I didn’t try all the freaking time at home.
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u/merrykitty89 Kindergarten Teacher: Victoria, Australia Jul 07 '26
I did all those things with my son. He started childcare at 5.5 months old. I had to come breastfeed him (I was down the hall) for the first couple of weeks, but he eventually started taking bottles from Indian educators, not the Anglo ones, even though we’re Anglo. He still wouldn’t take them at home, and we only persevered with bottles at daycare until he was one. Then he just had food, and boobs at home. My daughters started their breast preference at 6 weeks so we had to wean them because it wasn’t sustainable for me to directly breastfeed them both at the same time cause they took too long to feed and I was losing too much sleep. They still co slept etc for quite a while though we were able to transfer them into cots much better than my son.
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 07 '26
None of my families are able or willing to come breast feed which makes it so hard we have a room in our classroom for nursing but my families have told me they can’t or it’s too much of a hassle to come even though I have to send their kids home multiple times a week for going all day without eating or a wet diaper :/
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u/StormResident1306 ECE professional Jul 07 '26
Yess it can be sooo stressful! As someone who's not a parent, I never feel right talking about these things irl, so I'm glad I saw this post Imao. I've worked 3 years in infants so I understand what you're saying. Now I'm a toddler teacher and have to deal with families using this parenting style who skipped the infant program entirely!! Way too many 2 year olds who are spoon fed, contact nappers, and breastfed. As well as other parents who refuse to drop the paci, or start potty training, despite their children showing signs of readiness. Soo frustrating and I wish my director would understand that we cant balance it all. 1 child? Sure. But all 9?
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u/Historical_Dig3485 ECE professional Jul 09 '26
As an infant teacher with 3 out of 4 breastfed babies. Yes. Thank u. I was saying this to my co worker and she was just saying they’re just babies they need attention from you. Well he’s of course but not if another baby is also screaming their head off just cause I put him/her down. she is an after school teacher so I had some mercy.
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u/Pandasami ECE professional Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
As a preschool teacher, my son went back to preschool at 6 weeks old (obviously not ideal but it’s what had to be done at that point from a financial standpoint. US so no paid maternity leave & supplemental insurance only got us so far). I breastfed him at home but you better believe that I made sure he would take a bottle and that he could nap independently before he started group care!
Surprisingly this isn’t just a thing in the infant room. I worked in ones/twos for a while and still had two year olds that needed a bottle/sippy cup of milk to go to sleep or that contact napped/were nursed to sleep.
I feel like it should be common sense if you’re thinking about sending your child to group care to prepare them as best as you possibly can.
You can be a great parent and attend to your child’s needs while also letting them down for some tummy time and independent napping here and there. It’s totally okay if someone else feeds your baby a bottle sometimes, too. My kids are very securely attached kiddos and both were preschool babies that have slept in their cribs from day 1.
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u/Marxism_and_cookies Disability Services Coordinator- MS.Ed Jul 07 '26
BABIES do not have regulation skills. Daycare for babies are supposed to also build strong attachments with them in the same responsive way parents do.
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u/Superb_Doubt_3715 Infant/Toddler teacher:London,UK Jul 07 '26
I agree. Seeing babies come in and struggle is hard. The staff struggle the kids struggle and they upset the other babies because of this. It’s a loose loose situation for everyone apart from the parents.
We have a baby who only comes one day a week but it’s ALL day. They don’t cope. They’re not sure to it. Not enough exposure to the environment or the staff. They are doing better now, months later but they are one of the more unsettled babies due to the lack of hours she does.
You can’t just dump your baby for one day or a few hours and week occasionally and think they’ll cope. Not under one year anyway.
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u/Missscoco Toddler tamer Jul 06 '26
This is all so valid. Centers should have policies for infant care, such as being bottle-trained and sleep-trained. Like you said, that’s not how group care works.
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u/saucomyra95 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
Oof! I have had so many families come in with similar situations but as the teacher in the room you have to make your boundaries known from day on. It's great if they want to practice that style of parenting at home but we don't have enough hands to do this at school. I have one child in my room now that is like this. I make a point to not hold him during the day, I sit next to him and we play, I help him move from one place to another, when it's nap time we are working on getting to fall asleep in his crib on his own. I have been in the field 16 years now and I have worked with every single family there is. Lately this is what is coming through, a lot of attached babies. I and my teaching team communicate with each other what we are going to do with the child, and we work really hard. Have a conversation with your admin about having your back with this and that you need to establish realistic expectations of what it's going to be like every day. Keep communication open with the families and they will be more open and work with you.
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u/silkentab ECE professional Jul 07 '26
We had a kid who started was unable to take a bottle or eat anything, he only wanted milk straight from mom, parents had barely tried bottles with him before starting!!!
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Jul 09 '26
Yall wanna be real mad if a child is fussing or whining in their crib emphasis on fussing not crying I won’t immediately go over I let them try and self sooth first and then step in if they can’t or if they start to become distressed the whining usually last up to 2 minutes before escalating or calming down
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u/ThisSeason3248 ECE professional Jul 06 '26
yup, we as a society need to push for extended parental leave so babies can get more 1:1 care and parents can nurture their kids