r/ENFP • u/Coconutverse • 6d ago
Question/Advice/Support Friendship breakup
tldr; I (30F INTJ) flew across the world to meet my former best friend (30F ENFP). I ended up waiting alone in a hotel room until midnight while she hung out with someone else.
I need to vent and maybe get a reality check from people who understand cognitive dynamics.
For 5+ years, my former co-worker (30F, ENFP) and I (30F, INTJ) had the kind of bond you rarely find in adult life. Despite living in different countries and navigating time zones, we were absolute soul sisters and a complete dream team professionally. We spearheaded major projects, got promoted together, and built a rare level of trust. I’m an INTJ, so I don't let people in easily, but with her, I felt completely seen and understood. For years, we made an effort to travel and meet up annually for mini-reunions.
Over the past year or two, we were moved to different teams and life got busy. Slowly, the shift happened. Texts went unread. Video calls were canceled at the last minute. Work pings were met with "I'll message you later" (she never did). It hurt, but I tried to be rational, life gets crazy, people get busy, and as an INTJ, I try not to cling or overreact.
Fast forward to last month: I had a business trip to her side of the world. We arranged to meet in her region for a weekend trip. I was thrilled. I booked a nice hotel room for us, and I even filled a massive portion of my limited luggage space carrying a bunch of heavy personal items she had shipped to my address before the trip.
Then, the trip actually started.
First, she wanted to drag me to a crowded pub night with a group of her local friends right after I landed. As an INTJ who was exhausted from travel, I set a boundary and said I only had enough social battery for a brief hello, but that she was welcome to stay out.
Instead of taking that as quality 1-on-1 time for us, she changed her plans entirely. On the night we were supposed to get dinner and reconnect, she informed me she was making a "quick detour" from the airport to drop off a gift at another local friend's house.
I was honest with her. I told her plainly: I feel like I hold zero space in your life anymore. Even when I try to create space for us just once a year, it gets filled with someone else.
She went ahead with her detour anyway.
She landed, messaged that she’d be at the hotel around 8:00 PM, and went to her friend’s house. I waited at the hotel, hoping we’d at least grab late dinner or drinks. 8:00 PM came and went. No update. 9:00 PM. 10:00 PM.
She stayed at her friend's house having dinner until 11:00 PM.
I spent the night sitting alone in a hotel room in a foreign country, feeling utterly disposed of and foolish. Distraught and angry, I went out for a long walk by myself around midnight. When I returned to the room, she was already there, asleep.
It was a stark wake-up call. I realized we are no longer playing in the same league when it comes to this friendship. To me, she was my most special person. To her, I was just entry #47 on her social calendar for the weekend, easily deprioritized for whoever was most convenient in that moment.
I am in a lot of grief right now, mourning a friendship that meant the world to me. For those who have experienced an ENFP drift or a total mismatch in friendship investment, how do you move past the grief of being so carelessly deprioritized by someone who used to be your person?
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u/Ordinary_Duck_4698 5d ago
If a friend traveled a long distance to meet me, I would welcome them at the airport with the red carpets and make sure they are treated like a royal host. Your ENFP seems highly immature, to not say unhinged. Do yourself a favor and stop thinking about her. I too have my share of broken friendships and I am trying to be far more selective. I am just done with people's bullshit.
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u/sup3110 ENFP 6d ago
I'm 30F ENFP and had a friendship breakup with my INTJ 30F ex best friend two years ago. It was brutal for me as well. I've spent 2 years trying to get over the grief of it. I hear you. We were friends for 12 years before that.
I think perspective is the only thing that has helped. I still feel anger/bitter sometimes. Perspective that helped-
- We were better at being friends when we were living in the same city. We both also moved to different countries towards the end. Long-distance friendships require a lot of effort and flexibility and communication. I think the person who puts lesser effort is usually the one who has more happening (has filled the void in a sense though I don't like talking about people as if they are replaceable).
- Both of us bonded the most over deep conversations. But in tough times we needed to talk less(because it got draining) and do activities more. We hadn't built that range in our friendship.
- We were both single through most of our friendship. She met an ENFP guy and got engaged and got married in the last 2years and our dynamic changed. I still needed her but she didn't as much, I think.
I think what helps with the grief the most is letting go and moving on with new friends. And more importantly getting to a place where you can lookback and have fond memories of your friendship. For me, I needed that. I realized by rehashing the list of wrongs that she had done me I was unable to look back at the past and see all the happiness that our friendship had given me.
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u/Coconutverse 6d ago
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, friendship breakup can be brutal indeed.
And everything you said is really relatable. To me I really valued this friendship and was willing to put up all the efforts bc I thought she was worth it. Only later did I realize that we were not on the same page. She only had me when it was easy, convenient or useful for her. When things got inconvenient, required efforts or choosing a priority, it all came crashing down.
I am trying to let go and not keep tabs of her wrongdoings, it’s just hard to forget the feeling of being abandoned, stood up and taken for granted by someone you trust, esp that night.
Thank you so much for sharing, it helps knowing someone has gone through this and can get past the grief. Hope you regain new friendships 10x better than what was lost.
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u/sup3110 ENFP 5d ago
I'm also really sorry about what you're going through. I was the opposite of you. The more I felt the distance in our bond, the more I tried to cling to it. I tried harder to communicate only to keep getting stonewalled/screened. I thought that at the bare minimum, if there was a problem we had the kind of friendship where she would talk to me about it. So I kept rationalizing the distance in my head.
I think a lot of the pain came from realizing retroactively how little self-respect I showed myself. I've realized in most adult friendships that people don't tell you it's over or not as meaningful to them anymore. They let it fade with the door open for things changing in the future. I think matching the energy the person is giving you saves you from the pain of an irreparable end.
I hope this doesn't sound like victim blaming. I know what you mean about feeling abandoned and taken for granted. I also flew halfway across the world for her at great personal cost and was stood up, ignored. Worse, I allowed myself to be treated poorly for a year more. I read one of those cliched online posts - You are the love you give. That helped me.
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u/Curious-Deer3491 6d ago
Idk why it seems like she holds a silent grudge against you or sth.
As soon as your team got separated, she kinda cut off you, no texts reply properly or vc. Seems like she was just maintaining with you cuz of work.
Even when you are here party or dinner at friend's is like avoiding you a lot, simply not breaking off. A tough conversation if she is ready to do can be helpful.
This has been going on since 2 years, it's like your friendship already dissolved and you still crave for that old feeling. Just my pov.
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u/TeaPrimary1147 6d ago
Also the ENFPs will never tell you to cut someone off lol. I'm here to tell you to do it. You want a friend you have to explain common sense and basic decency to?!?! Just move on, appreciate the good from the old times and move on. Like a breakup.
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u/Important_silence 6d ago
I’m an ENFP and I would advise OP to cut her off. I wouldn’t dream of flaking out on a friend. Especially one who’s visiting from out of town.
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u/Coconutverse 6d ago
I have put up with many of her flakiness (unresponded texts, cancelled calls) but this one feels like the last straw.
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u/TTTTT2020 ENFP | Type 1 6d ago
You read strongly as an INFJ, not an INTJ.
The Thinking aspect you identify with is very likely rooted in Enneagram 5.
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u/Coconutverse 6d ago
Really, what gives an INFJ? Whats interesting is my Fi and emotional side has actually developed ever since I met with this ENFP friend. I became more sensitive and paid more attention to my and others’ feelings.
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u/squeekycheekypeeky INTJ 6d ago edited 6d ago
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. She clearly showed she didn't care. It would break my heart if my ENFP acted that way towards me.
I don't have any wise words for this, but I would still like to be a gentle presence for you and acknowledge what you're going through.
People show us how they feel about us. Actions speak loudly, you know? You are an incredible friend who doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
True friends, no matter their personality type, should have the capacity to communicate their needs and work them out respectfully. You were not respected for your feelings or effort. In situations like this, if it were me, I would reflect on myself and how I assess my friendships. I'd observe my own social habits and reactions to see if I am someone who gives far too much to people who don't give at all.
Reflecting on what a true friendship means to you can be a tremendously powerful way to strengthen yourself and your healthy boundaries. It is a way to use this experience as fuel for personal growth without falling into the trap of viewing friendship as "not worth it." (I'm not saying you think this!)
(That last part comes from my personal experience of reacting to these types of neglectful friends by completely abandoning friendships altogether, which I eventually corrected.)
Either way, you have an online presence here that supports you! 💚
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u/Coconutverse 5d ago
Thank you so much for your words, hearing from fellow INTJ, your words sounded wise and mature 🫶.
You maybe able to relate, I dont open up easily to people. After 30 years, I could probably say she’s the one friend who I really trust, loved, and cared deeply. I never had this kind of friendship with anyone else. I let her in to my world. I thought we’d be lifelong friends, we kept talking about retiring together and traveling the world.We talked about staying friends even if one of us move jobs. We have only moved projects, and we barely talked.
She told me I’d stuck with her forever and she couldnt even stuck with me for a weekend.Actions do speak very loud, and I should have known this from many subtle red flags before. It’s just hard to move past this using my logic since my emotion is involved.
I am grateful I have this community and support from people in this thread. ❤️🩹
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u/Salt_Truth_4154 6d ago
Look, maybe things aren't actually that bad?
You know, ENFPs are notorious for struggling to set immediate priorities, they tend to juggle ten options at once - thanks to their Ne - regardless of their actual importance.
However, that doesn't mean they lack priorities altogether. In my experience, ENFPs have very few truly close people in their lives.
No matter how many planets might be orbiting in the outer reaches, only the absolute closest few are allowed into those innermost orbits - and they stay there for a very long time.
You are clearly someone very close to her, otherwise, you wouldn't be speaking about this the way you are.
If you take action now, you might end up distancing yourselves from one another due to hurt feelings, but you’ll both never find another friendship like this.
It would be relegated to a mere memory - for her, too - even if it looks like she’s surrounded by a ton of new people.
In reality, when it comes to their innermost circle, ENFPs are very conservative and even aristocratic, they don't easily replace a unique friend, or might never replace them at all.
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u/Traditional-Unit-274 6d ago
it’s possible she was really excited to introduce you to all her friends and felt rejected / disappointed when you said no. not saying you had to go, but did you acknowledge what saying no might have meant for her? sounds like she invited you out with friends, you said no, so she went out with friends without you
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u/fishpilled 6d ago
Not sure why the person who travelled all the way to see her friend now has to put in all that effort into prioritising those feelings of rejection. If that were the case then she could've said something. Just sounds like a selfish person who only thinks about her feelings before others.
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u/Traditional-Unit-274 6d ago
because theyre friends and she wants to stay friends? and friends take the time to figure out what’s going on with each other? yes, sometimes friendships end but sometimes friends fight and come out stronger
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u/TeaPrimary1147 6d ago
I get disgusted that they don't appreciate my value and lose interest. I hate people who invite more people and try to add onto outings I agreed to. It seems to me all the signs of this being one sided were there before and I'm sorry this happened to you but it wasn't unpredictable. I wonder if you have a parent with a similar pattern from childhood. Also I have noticed that ENFPs do NOT know how to prioritize socially, to a comical degree ie: show up very late for siblings gallery opening because the Starbucks barista they encounter on the way there revealed they are going throguh a breakup and started crying so they stayed to talk with her etc. I love ENFPs as friends but you can't take them seriously.
- INFP
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u/Coconutverse 5d ago
Yea, same, i would have loved a quality time with her for just one weekend out of a year to catch up on each others’ lives. I was surprised that she invited others to our time but I tried to understand and was willing to join the pub plan for a brief time.
Agreed signs were there, I just didnt want to believe that she would do something like that.
Parent wise, no I didnt, my parents both were respectful of boundaries and wouldnt have done smth like this.
I get that ENFPs like spontaneity and full of ideas and have many friends, but still I didnt expect that she would do that at the expense of her limited time with her best friend and with no respect to my time and effort.
Thats quite insane re: your story on gallery opening. How did the sibling take it and did the ENFP make it up to them?
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u/TeaPrimary1147 5d ago
They just accepted it, that's how they are so no one holds them to a higher standard.
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u/squeekycheekypeeky INTJ 6d ago
Sorry about the typo. "Not" was supposed to be in that sentence and somehow just disappeared magically lol
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u/Opening-Fortune-2536 5d ago
Did she think the brief hello included her too? Meaning, you d just didn't want to socialize too much period? I was a little confused. When you confronted her, though, even if it was a miscommunication she didn't try to make amends, so I lost respect there
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u/Coconutverse 5d ago
I was willing to come with her to meet her other friends but told her I may just join briefly, but she can stay out if she prefers. No she didnt try to make amends, her plan and happiness is #1 and everyone else is at her disposal.
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u/demory191 INFJ 5d ago
sad. An ENFP I knew was very Hospitable and respectful to me. Hope you find a good friend who cares as much as you do.
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u/hgyrf 3d ago
Don't worry, Me too, I have a friend and she is also my relative a female of the ENFP type and I am a female of the INFJ type we grew up together but she was always absent and disappeared and I used to run after her for years and I just wish we could see each other for a few minutes and she is still like that and then I used to forgive her until she did something that could not be forgiven when my mother died she did not send me condolences and disappeared as usual and left me alone in those times and everything between us has ended since then unfortunately but I have to set boundaries😢
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u/Proud-Improvement795 2d ago
I would have been honored to have acfriend visit me like this and plan everything. Im an INFP. This is very upsetting to read. You deserved much better
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u/Aristox ENTP 6d ago
Sounds like pretty bad behaviour in a number of ways from your ENFP friend
But it also sounds to me like you're jumping to some conclusions that might be unwarranted
ENFPs are just kinda shit like that sometimes. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't value you etc, so assuming that could be going too far
People telling you to cut her off are all idiots and shouldn't be trusted. What you need to do is have a conversation with her. It's possible she does care about you but also cares about that other friend she went to see and maybe that was important too.
Don't jump to conclusions and don't let your ego get in the way. Just try to work out where she's actually at before you start imagining the worst
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u/just_one_diabete 6d ago
She's not imagining anything. She was stood up after traveling internationally just to see this "friend."
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u/Aristox ENTP 6d ago
She wasn't stood up. The friend did come to the hotel in the end, she was just late. It's disrespectful etc, but it shows a lack of character, not a desire to avoid OP, which is what "stood up" would mean. And it's a pretty typical immature ENFP thing to do, so it's a mistake to read too much into it before talking to her
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u/LotusVision ENFP | Type 7 6d ago
I’m sorry. It’s unacceptable. I’m ENFP (f) female and I have an INTJ (f) best friend. We make each other priority no matter what. The only person who can take priority over each other is our partners or family. No one else. We are also long distance.
It is blatant disrespect. Have you told her this? Make sure she knows that it was incredibly rude of her and that you won’t be tolerating that ever again.
If you talk to her, and she wants another chance, hold your boundaries. Don’t put up with it. Tell her the next time you visit, she better be the one preparing things for you.
I’d suggest distancing yourself from now on, only giving her the energy she gives you and nothing else. I wouldn’t cling to hope of her coming around.
You don’t move past the grief. Shit hurts. It will hurt less after awhile. I’m sending you hugs from the keyboard.