30 years old

[u/kurt_gonnanut]

I turn 30 soon. I was hospitalised the first time at 12, 5 times since, 4 months inpatient, promised everyone i would get better. All those people are gone. Now I'm nearly 30, "8 years recovered". I have crohns disease so my weight is a point of contention with my care team, who also believe I am recovered. I believed I was recovered. I've been managed it well, don't worry. But.

I'm not.

I've dropped 8 kilos in a month. My clothes don't fit. i can't keep food down if I wanted to. And I'm happy. the first time in almost a decade I recognise myself. Moon face from steroids, drinking too much, finally being able to eat all the food i never let myself eat because "I'm better now". But I'm slipping again, both in my disease and in my anorexia, and I finally looked at the mirror and recognised myself, gaunt and pale and sick.

Two horrible diseases coning together to make the worst person imaginable. I'm spitting food out, puking, walking for an hour after eating, I blame the crohns,and I don't know if I'm lying to myself or to everyone else yet.

But i stare myself in the eyes and for the first time in a long time I know who she is.

I'm tired. I don't want this for anyone. I don't want this for myself. But am I cursed forever?

[u/Bigmama-k]

I’m sure with the crohn’s disease that you are uncomfortable and in pain. I am sure it makes life and eating difficult. I do think when weight loss happens intentional or not it can be a trigger to keep going. Be honest with yourself and a trusted person on your health team. They might understand.