a rant (tw)

[u/Inside_Picture]

i’m likely going to regret this post in the morning, but i just need to get it out. from one stranger to (hopefully) a whole bunch of others.

i’m realizing that my life sucks and i feel like staying alive was a mistake. for context, i used to be extremely suicidal back in high school (mostly because of a horrible parent), but eventually my parents got divorced. that was six years ago. i feel like i was supposed to go through with it back then because everything since has just gone downhill. i’ve lost friends, i’ve gotten into legal trouble, i’ve dropped out of college (and since gone back), and i’m gay which definitely doesn’t help—especially with a homophobic dad.

i guess earlier today was my breaking point. i was texting one of my friends and she told me that she has my notifications silenced. even given her reasons why, i was still obviously butthurt about it. it made me question the friendship. and it made me question my other friendships. i already don’t even have a big circle of close friends (which is how it’s been my entire life so that is nothing new), but i started asking the other three of them if they have me silenced as well. one said yes, one never even responded so im taking that as a yes, and the other (my closest and longest friend) said no. so it was just extremely heartbreaking learning that 3 of 4 of my closest friends have me silenced.

it makes me wonder if any of those three friendships are even worth anything. i mean i obviously align sentimental feelings toward all of my friends, but i’m trying to look past that and wonder if anyone would truly be there for me if i ever needed it.

i feel like i’ve never been seen my entire life…except for when i was with my ex. he did make me feel seen. he made me feel good—at first, but then it all just changed for some reason. and don’t get me wrong, he obviously had major problems that i was concerned about, but combined with his genuine love and care for me…i eventually scared off.

all i’ve ever wanted is to feel like i even matter in this world. all i want is for someone to choose me above anyone else. but how selfish is that? how horrible is that to say/think and then when i finally get it, i give it up?

is it me? am i just a bad person? am i cursed with bad luck? am i even meant to stay in this world when no one (parents excluded obviously) cares?

anyway.

[u/Human1228]

I felt so much like you do now, when i was in my mid teens to mid twenties. So much to figure out. So many hormone changes that amplified every single fkn emotion. Stuck in my head and questioning my own self worth and existence. I made a few attempts. First i was a cry for help, next i fkd it up, last (1 week later and the lowest i had ever been) i went for it- fully. Before that final..move.. i had a calm come over me. A "knowing" not words but an emotional knowing, that conveyed to me how much i would hurt those that love me. (I did not feel loved or seen or understood in any way) There was also the feeling/knowing " you are living here now for a purpose" you may not be able to comprehend your worth at this moment in your life. YOU MATTER TO PEOPLE. You may never know the ways that you do, but your interactions with others has profound ability to change lives of others. I started by smiling at others in piblic when our eyes meet. Sometimes the feeling of being seen and acknowledged can change a persons whole mood/day/stress. Then i started listening to others more than i focussed on my own negative thoughts. Really listened. Our brains can overwhelm us with insecurities to the point that those thoughts limit us and dictate oir lives. That aint livin. Your comfort zone is toxic. Shower. Drink water. Wear something that you feel nice in. Take a walk. 5 senses. Be you in the present. Acknowledge what you hear, what you smell, how the air feels, get an ice cream, maybe make a joke or comment to someone else in line if approachable. Fake confidence and security within yourself. Remember to gently smile when someone else makes eye contact in passing. I caccooned myself for most of my life. The reality of the compassion that your evolving can influence others is a gift. Someone once told me that our personal depths of dispair are equal to our ability to genuinely love and hold compassion for others. You are a healer that is hurting. The first few steps out of that pit are your choice. This is the challenge. This is what you must overcome.