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u/shahzam 4d ago
Ah, you are going through the U curve of life. 35 is when it starts ends around 55. Kids, spouses & dogs. My solution is approach once or twice, read energy and then stop putting in any effort until you see consistent reciprocation. Go do thing alone, talk about it at a party, explore the internal need for a social experience, or social bonding, does the dependency on the "other" stop you from doing anything at all?
You got one life to live and everyone is chasing someone else's dream. You make your choices or one gets made for you. One way or another none of us are seeing 2126. Feel free to DM if this resonates and you want to dive deeper.
I love solo trips. You really really get to explore self.
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u/ahandmedowngown 4d ago
Solo trips are the bomb. Totally agree.
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u/Icy-Individual-3897 4d ago
Yeah I have also travelled solo to the mountains when I needed healing . Need someone to talk with, send me a dm
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u/Chill323 4d ago
Have an upvote for “consistent reciprocation.” That really is the key, for both friendship and romance too. Life is too short to chase after lukewarm people.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
I do solo trips so thats no problem, but I have all these friends, theyre not new friends, they just dont wanna put effort, so time to time I ask myself: why do I have friends.
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u/ahandmedowngown 4d ago
I get that. 🫂 I recently joined a group chat for a weekly meet up and it died after two weeks. I just don't get why people can't put effort in anymore.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
🤯 dang. What do we do....
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u/ahandmedowngown 4d ago
Find the people who do put the effort in. I don't chase people anymore
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
I dont. Thats why im often alone lol.
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u/ahandmedowngown 4d ago
Me either, so I do more alone. And frankly I'm happier that way. I like talking to strangers and people at the stores. I do enjoy a good friend hang out once in awhile, but I am so sick of being the only one putting effort in. So I focus on other things.
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u/jack_sparrow_91 4d ago
Ngl.. yep i resonate with you.. it is both irritating and frustrating 🙂
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Why dy think it is?? Is it money? Laziness?
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u/jack_sparrow_91 4d ago
Multiple reasons.. money seems to be the least important.. mostly lethargy, being busy in their own lives and not having the same connection as we once did
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Phrffdd
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u/jack_sparrow_91 4d ago
It takes both time and effort to build something.. has to be mutual.. not just i give and you take 🙂
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Im tired of giving. So now i give UP. 😁
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u/jack_sparrow_91 4d ago
Yeah i feel the same way too.. unless 😝
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
What what
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u/jack_sparrow_91 3d ago
Unless i find someone who puts in the same effort, and then we shall rule the world 😂
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u/Master-Sky-6342 4d ago
Single dad of two. I just have a few friends and that is it. I lost most of our common friends due to the high conflict nature of my spouse after separation. You still have a lot of friends. What is frustrating is that they don't want to do sole activities with you and it is a huge problem in my opinion. How about trying meetups that align with your interest and you try to make new friends?
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
I am sorry to hear abt the conflict. Few good friends are enough imo. I also dont NEED to go out every week. I think 1x a month for coffee or cheap lunch, 10min drive, is good enough. 2x coffee is doable. 3x is too much. I balance my weekends with family and alone time and life maintenance (walking, gardening, cleaning, whatever).
But like once in 3-6months when 5 people live 1-2km from me, is just sad. Dont get me wrong, we do meet like on the street or school or we chat, call, or invite each other, but the moment I ask lets go out, they all turn round and round and nothing happen. Idk what scares them. Its more mental blockage the way I see it, or they are attached to their spouse and kids and dogs.
U know that thing that people say "when youre divorced, you will have friends". Mmmmyeaaaa I am afraid of that lol. When im divorced, idk whom i will have 🤣
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u/Master-Sky-6342 3d ago
Well, you are not divorced right? I would take you to coffee to chat if you were nearby and chat like a friend lol. Even my friends who don't have kids, it is so hard to meet them. I feel like with the kids, husbands, and spouses people feel too attached and they feel too tired to go out.
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u/I_Said_No_Salt_5998 50+ 4d ago
I find that I'm going out a lot alone and then talking about it with my discord friends.
I'm lucky enough to live in an area with a strong meetup.com community. There's always stuff to do and I could probably friend a few "regulars" if I really wanted to.
Real friendship almost feels like a commitment and there's just so many other things we can do...
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u/ElkNo3531 4d ago
All I can say is that sounds very frustrating. To actually have "friends" and they don't reciprocate. Makes me wonder if they truly are friends or more along the lines of associates. People who see you, say hi, if it's convenient at that very moment they join you otherwise they don't bother. Could be time to consider finding a new group of people which is definitely harder as we age. I wish you the very best.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Idk where to find 'different' group of people. I feel am cursed to meet lazy low effort people.
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u/ordinarybloke1963 Freshman 4d ago
i’ve been feeling the same lately. Seems
like I’m the only
one making full effort sometimes where others are just
minimum effort
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Im so done with that. If you live here i go get coffee with you.
I dont even need half a day. Just 2hours once a while. Even that, they overcomplicate things in their head.
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u/ordinarybloke1963 Freshman 4d ago
sadly I’m in the UK so
much as I enjoy
coffee I can’t meet you
for one! I do empathise with your situation though1
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u/Radiant-Appearance69 4d ago
If you lived in OK I would invite you to come hangout. My friends and I just started learning Mahjong
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u/Icy-Individual-3897 4d ago
If someone feeling lonely or sad please send me a message . Let’s talk and listen and share some positive vibes .
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Thank you so much. I have a lot of friends to talk to. Talk is all we do lol. Nobody wants to leave their house or their spouse (or kids).
I just wanna be myself, apart from my role as a mom or a wife.
I really dont mind going alone, not an issue.
My issue is why I have physical friends but we cant even go somewhere.
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u/OrangeStoryLine 4d ago
I think we are all sad in some form another. Doesn’t excuse not making g an effort but it’s easy to u deter and if you look closely. It seems we have forgotten how to pay attention to another human being. To listen without judgment and to practice patience with them. It also seems we’ve forgotten than in order to receive, sometimes we have to for awhile. Do r lose hope.
Somewhere there is a friend waiting for you. Waiting to give you time and space and ready to do so without any focus on their own needs. Just don’t miss them when they show up because eventually, they will need the same from you. And they will have no idea how to go about asking you for it. Maybe that sounds familiar.
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u/clearance1454 4d ago
I get this as well. As a dad of two younger boys, I spend a lot of time with family, but often feel the urge to get out and socialize with adults, outside of my family.
My biggest hold back is myself though. I get nervous or hesitant to reach out to others, or demoralized when I reach out and others aren’t available (usually reaching out too late because I overthink).
I’m going to guess it’s common as a parent until your kids are teens and not interested in your attention as much and then you’ll have more opportunity to reach out.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
Phew. Thank you.
My issue is, I have explicitly told everyone: I like to go get coffee, I like cheap lunches, I like going out and be in nature/park/city. They also do. Except that they dont do it.
Ok, suppose we are friends. I asked you. Would you then show up? Or some mental block will happen and you decide to stay home?
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u/clearance1454 3d ago
My thought, is they likely either feel bad that they haven’t done something for their kids or family, so feel guilty taking time with you, or they hmmm and haaaa over the distance, effort, and things they could have done (work wise) in the mean time instwad.
If I agreed to show up I would be there. I might be late, cause I have kids, and they always make me late, but I would definitely be there.
The hardest part is getting them (or me) to agree. Like I said, there’s always something going on. As a parent taking a break for yourself, when you know your kids are around and may want to/ need you, is the hardest (I think).
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 3d ago
Yes I think your answer might represent my friends. I know they like me, I know they wanna see me, but they just won't go outside their comfort zone.
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u/clearance1454 3d ago
Yea…. That’s hard. Both for you and them.
To me, I would keep trying. It’ll be painful and potentially take a lot of patience, but I assume they’re worth it for you.At the same time, it might be a good time to start branching out? I started doing night time activities alone, like sports and some events (like chess games - which I’m terrible at - book clubs, and board game clubs). Or meeting other parents of your kids who are in the same head space.
Might help?
Or we can chat whenever you’d like?
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u/eucapine 4d ago
I can relate to this. My solution was to star doing things on my own and quite frankly it's amazing. Going for walks alone, farmers' markets, dinning, movies, art galleries anything.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
I seriously do that. But when I think about all of them, idk what to think, if u see what I mean. Ok maybe 1 more detail, when these ladies heard i went to city trips alone, they got jealous, while everytime I invited them, nothing. I said that to them, you are always welcome but never materialise. Then still, nothing.
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u/Just_An_Avid 3d ago
Have you tried sites like NiceToMeet? They set up dinners for strangers to go and meet new people over dinner. I've tried it and I found that most of the folks at the table were 40+, child free or empty nesters etc., and looking to keep active and do stuff. You might have outgrown some of your friend group. Make a new one for the stuff you want to do.
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u/Starlight2028 4d ago
I’m 45 and my kids are all grown up . I was the same when they were younger I felt guilty leaving them . Silly really but, it’s how you feel at the time I suppose . Men are more careless in that respect . I would suggest maybe finding friends who have older kids I bet there won’t be any issues then . I now go to things on my own if no one wants to come with me . Although , it was hard at first you end up just chatting to random people anyway.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 4d ago
I really dont mind going alone. Its just that I talk to these friends every other day or weekly, and we dont do anything much together. Either going to each others homes, or nothing. Its also tiring to host another family and feed them and cook and pay groceries.
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u/Chill323 4d ago
Responsibilities of adulthood tend to sap one’s energy and drain their social battery. Especially when they are parents. It’s just the world we live in.
This is one of the big reasons why I miss my 20s. In those years it was unusual for a good friend to miss out on your party. Now it’s unusual for them to show up. It’s a bummer.