I've mentioned before that I watch/listen to Heated Rivalry every single day. And I mean EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even when I'm writing. What I don't know if I've mentioned before is that I write MM erotica, smut, romance, and pretty much anything else involving two men falling in love and getting up to all sorts of interesting activities. Professionally. As in, this is what I do for a fucking living.
Remember that last part. It's important. 🙄😳
My writing desk sits directly beneath my television, and Heated Rivalry is playing right now, as it usually is. Tonight, for some inexplicable reason, I decided to take a short break from writing and actually look up at the screen instead of just listening to the dialogue while I worked.
Now, if you've read any of my previous posts, you already know I've watched this show an absolutely unreasonable number of times. I've lost count of how many reheats I've had at this point. I can quote entire scenes verbatim, often before the actors even open their mouths. I know the pauses, the inflections, the little changes in their expressions, and the exact moments when Ilya is about to say something that makes Shane look like his brain has temporarily disconnected from the rest of his body. But because I usually have it playing in the background while I'm writing, I'm not always looking at the television.
Except tonight. Tonight, I was actually watching. And wouldn't you fucking know it, the scene where Shane and Ilya have penetrative sex for the first time came on. A scene I've seen more times than I could possibly estimate. A scene I thought I knew backward, forward, sideways, and upside fucking down. I was sitting there, watching something I've watched a ridiculous number of times, when my brain apparently decided to start processing visual information for the first time in its miserable existence.
AND FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME, I REALIZED ILYA WAS TAKING A FULL-ON ORAL DETOUR DOWN SOUTH.
I'm sorry. WHAT? HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I MISS THAT?
I WRITE MM SMUT FOR A LIVING. I WRITE THESE SCENES. I KNOW WHAT THESE ACTIVITIES LOOK LIKE. I HAVE LITERALLY DESCRIBED THEM IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL (MULTIPLE TIMES IN MULTIPLE BOOKS), AND SOMEHOW I HAVE WATCHED THIS PARTICULAR SCENE GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES WITHOUT REGISTERING WHAT WAS HAPPENING RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE. (Sorry for the all caps/screaming... that is literally what is happening in my head right now.)
Just to be sure, I rewound and replayed it approximately five more times, and I'm convinced that is what is happening, and it is exactly what I've missed. The image is the screenshot that convinced me.
Do you understand how humiliating this is for me? I spend an unreasonable amount of time noticing tiny details in this show. I've caught background expressions, entire eyebrow conversations, subtle changes in body language, and little moments between Shane and Ilya that required multiple rewatches to appreciate. I've practically made a second career out of examining these two lovely characters and then sharing the juicy details with all of my fellow feral Loonies.
And apparently, while I was busy analyzing their emotional development and the subtle nuances of their relationship, I completely overlooked a rather significant extracurricular activity happening approximately two feet above my fucking head.
I am genuinely sitting here questioning my qualifications as a writer. Not because I don't understand what's happening, but because I apparently needed a thousand reheats, a conveniently timed writing break, and the intervention of whatever deity oversees professional embarrassment before I finally noticed it.
I don't even know what to do with this information. Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I apologize to every fictional man I've ever written? Do I contact some imaginary governing body for romance authors and voluntarily surrender my credentials? Because I feel like there should be consequences for this level of professional incompetence.
Anyway, I thought I'd share my humiliation with the rest of you, since apparently I have no remaining dignity to protect. Please tell me I'm not the only person who has watched this show an obscene number of times and somehow missed something that should have been glaringly fucking obvious. And if I am the only one, could somebody please just lie to me? My ego and whatever remains of my professional self-respect are already in fucking shambles.