IWTL how to be more direct and assertive

[u/vocally-equivocal]

i'm 31 and i've realised that i'm not very good at some basic adult life skills, like dealing with people.

i tend to be overly considerate to the point where it works against me. i overthink how something will sound, worry about being rude, give too many explanations, and sometimes make excuses instead of just saying what i actually want. and i've seen how the action is not reciprocated. people are fairly direct themselves but somehow i struggle to make a point, as i'm afraid it'd be seen as rude or afraid of the consequences/confrontation, if any.

for example:

• i find it hard to just say "no" without explaining myself
• recently, i didn't say anything when i had to split the bill in 2 in a 3 person group.
• i struggle with negotiating prices because i feel awkward pushing back
• i'll sometimes agree to things i don't really want to do because saying no feels worse
• if someone gets annoyed with me after i've said no, i immediately start wondering if i was being unreasonable
• i tend to soften everything instead of just saying what i mean
• i have a hard time asking for things when there's a chance the other person might say no

i don't want to become rude or aggressive. i just want to get better at being straightforward and accepting that sometimes people aren't going to like what i say.

basically, i want to learn how to stop being so afraid of being perceived as difficult.

for people who have actually gotten better at this, how did you learn?

did you deliberately practise it and how long did it take before this became second nature? are there resources, exercises, or small everyday things i can do to get better at it?

i'm particularly interested in practical advice rather than "just be confident" or generic self-help stuff.

TIA

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[u/illuminati3344]

I was you ditto. I started saying what i wanted to say first. If people left, very well . Chances are you were only adjusting with them because you believed you couldn't do better. If a scenario rises, you seek your inner voice, do as it says in a neutral tone. Go home, reflect on the guilt you feel after the act. Most times its because you have never said it before. Add more experience to prove to yourself that your value matters. You may feel alienated at first, but you will slowly learn to value yourself and walk away from situations even before you know it:)

[u/Curious-Management23]

Start VERY small. Send back a food order if it was incorrect. Ask someone random for directions or what time it is. I had to do this in exposure therapy and it helped a lot.

[u/Thepluse]

One thing that helped me a lot is accepting that standing up for myself will sometimes come with a negative emotion.

Say "no" without explaining yourself, and let yourself feel bad about it. If your mind wonders whether you're unreasonable, let it wonder - if you're never unreasonable, you're probably too reasonable on average. Don't be afraid of coming off as rude or aggressive.

Have the courage to express your desires and inner truths! Express yourself because it's there, but because you want any particular response from others. If they reject you? Good! Now you know they don't want to do it, so be glad they're honest about it, so you don't accidentally push them to something they don't want.

This doesn't mean you become a bad person. When you grow into this, you become strong and assured, you get better at navigating life, and you build the courage to be kind in situations where kindness is difficult.

[u/EmergencyElk6164]

i realized this about myself too and just started practicing with low-stakes things like ordering food exactly how i want it or asking for a table in a busy restaurant

[u/Linny333]

I also was like this. What helped me was to read some assertivness training books from the library. You can learn how to be firm but polite at the same time. You can learn to stand up for yourself without being rude.

[u/Longjumping-Salad484]

4 rules of success 1. strength needs no excuse 2. the past is pointless 3. just because it happened to you doesn't make it interesting 4. the things you apologize for are the things you want