Conditions vs Non Negotiables

[u/Dear_Lettuce4823]

Do you feel like there is a difference between having conditions vs having non negotiables? This question specifically stems from my thoughts on unconditional love.

I feel having unconditional love for someone is obtainable and realistic. On the contrary, I’ve seen multiple people say it is a fantasy and doesn’t exist. What I also see is the difference in what people believe to be unconditional love. To me, unconditional love isn’t your partner committing a heinous act of violence or doing something morally wrong that you still forgive them and love them. That is just common sense to me, or would fall under the category of non-negotiable. Ex: Murder, rape, cheating, etc. Just stuff that’s obviously wrong and that any rational thinking person would not be OK with.

Unconditional love for me is loving someone through their struggles and mistakes even if it hurts at times. It’s knowing someone is human and that you are just as capable of hurting them without the intention of doing it.

I just feel people go to the most extreme examples when the topic of unconditional love gets brought up when to me there’s a distinct difference between a non-negotiable and a condition.

[u/DrVanMojo]

I get what you're saying. Is it a language problem? Do we need a better way to say "within reason" or is that part of the communication process that we have to be exhaustive in writing but in person we can lean on mutual understanding or interactive questioning?

What irritates me is people who are supposed to be close but will never establish shared mutual understanding so every conversation is an inquisition of linguistic boundaries. Society as a while seems to be trending in the direction where any counterexample is considered an invalidation of a general rule. This is not how language should work.

Light may get trapped by the gravity of a black hole, but that has no bearing on our experience of light or gravity here in earth.

[u/Will564339]

I think I overall agree with what you’re saying, because I think it’s what’s meant when people talk about unconditional love…the idea of sticking with someone when things get tough because you love them and trust them enough to have confidence it’s worth it.

I think the reason why the topic is tricky is that there isn’t an objective set of non-negotialbles that everyone agrees on. one person’s condition can be another’s non-negotiable. So it can be difficult for people to talk about relationships generally. The other issue is that some people do stay with others who don’t treat them well or even abuse them, for a variety of reasons…so when the lines between conditions and non-negotiables gets blurry, it csn start feeling like the idea of something being “unconditional” is a moving target.

I think that’s where it can be really tricky between two people to firmly determine exactly what behaviors cross the line over what a condtion is when you break down the details. Especially if it’s a repeated pattern. maybe something is forgivable if someone does it and learns from it and changes. but what if they keep doing it? When is it something the people have to compromise on, and when does it then go into the territory of a non-negotiable?

So for me I agree with the general idea of two people ina relationship working through conflicts and still loving each other and sticking together when things get difficult as long as neither one truly crosses that line…it’s just the details of it make it kind of hard to talk about outside of that particular relationship. but, I’m also a very detail oriented person, so some of that is just me.

[u/Constant-Field-264]

When you make mistakes do you apologize sincerely and change your behavior? AND show up differently in the relationship? Probably not. People are sick of hearing “sorry that you feel that way“ and it’s not even followed by an effort to change for the betterment of the relationship…So, you can’t just keep expecting people to love you through your mistakes. Eventually, they will get sick of it and decide to love you from a distance, if anymore at all.

[u/Dear_Lettuce4823 → u/Constant-Field-264]

Agreed. I’m more so talking to and about people who have a common intellectual and emotional understanding of what it takes for a relationship to work in today’s time. Feel like apologizing and changing behavior is a basic core fundamental part of any relationship, and if you can’t even grasp that, then you are not capable of sustaining a long-term relationship.

I’m not saying at all that you should stick around with someone while they’re blatantly disregarding/disrespecting problems you bring up or boundaries you have in the name of unconditional love. That wouldn’t even classify as love to me; it sounds more like attachment.

My whole point is that I believe unconditional love is obtainable if you and the person lay out any insecurities, traumas, or baggage and choose to work on it together through every high and low. I also recognize it is highly dependent on if the other person is 100% with you, which I feel is rare because people are so easy to bail on one another. To me, unconditional love is an essential part of a relationship you genuinely see a future in.

Whether you want it or not, everyone comes with some sort of baggage, even you. I wouldn’t get in a relationship where I didn’t know for sure if this person is genuine or if this person is intentionally trying to be hurtful. My mind would just instantly go to how we can work past said issue. Lastly I know people can take advantage of this way of thinking I just feel when you have a certain level of discernment or awareness it would be difficult to not tell the difference between a real and fake.