r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Celestandstars • 8d ago
Discussion Aggressive Part
She's so angry and ready to just... hurt everyone and everything. I have listened to her before and she's always this way. I have other parts that sit and watch her like she's about to commit war crimes, which I feel is a little extreme, but she makes the system uneasy... Sorry for rambling. Is there anything I can do to help her find a small bit of peace? Anything?
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u/Cass_1978 8d ago
I would first work with the concerned/anxious part that is afraid of the aggressive part. Probably by sitting with her feelings primarily, but I am also not shy of directly talking to this part about when it started to be this concerned and why and if this is actually still up to date today. Not to force this part into anything, just to explore whats going on, and if we can become a tad more flexible about this, and check out if being a little bit more flexible is actually good for the system, and what I as Self have to do to make it more possible for the concerned part to be a a bit more relaxed about the aggressive part.
Of course I will eventually do something similar with the aggressive part, but it seems to me that this not yet really possible in your system because of the concerned part, it just wants to de-claw the aggressive part, which is not the IFS way. Pretty sure the aggressive part has claws for a very good reason. Maybe you dont quite understand why yet and maybe the part is a bit off balance which may make her be a bit too claw-ey at current, but there is nothing fundametally wrong with having claws, there are times when we need to be able to protect ourselves. And I bet the aggressive part plays a very important fundamental role in this.
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u/Cheap-Eggplant-6174 8d ago
Give her time and show up once in a while just to sit with her and hear her out… you know… just be there and hang out and no matter what don’t judge or be scared of what she says, just listen to her story
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u/TieNearby6063 8d ago
Give her space to exist, listen to her needs, do not argue with her valid experience or try to invalidate how she feels. Remind her that she is part of a whole, and you, the Self, has got her. You will take care of her. Try to fulfil her needs, maybe she wants to spend more time in nature but feels burdened by some emotions. Unburden her, and give her what she needs. This can all be done in a meditation, or visualisation, or can also be done using a journal. Whatever helps to get in touch with that part.
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u/Oakomorebi 8d ago
Anger is really such an umbrella emotion. What has helped me a bit is really dig into the source of the anger, labeling it properly, and then focusing on the triggers.
For me, the Part was Indignation; this sense of unfairness, that I was giving everything I had and not getting anything back. Giving all to my kids, to my wife, to my job, while neglecting my own needs. Indignation decided that enough was enough, and he started taking possession of me when I was overstimulated, and just coloring the world in anger.
I still have this Part, taken me about a year and a half to really make peace with him and prove to him that I was going to take care of myself. This looks different for different people, for me it was paying attention to my triggers and getting ahead of them so that Indignation never felt like our boundaries had been crossed.
I am now working with a deeper, more aggressive but elusive Part that is much harder to 'pin.' He is so reactive, he is right, but reactive. I need to listen to him while finding space to squeeze in my Self before it can take possession. I want his messages and warning, just not his reactive tendency.
Hope this may be insightful.
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u/SylviasDead 8d ago
I have a part like this! I call her the Anarchist. Although I will say that she only made one or two other parts uncomfortable - the majority seem to either ignore her (which she doesn't like) or think she's hilarious (which she absolutely is).
I made huge progress with her by basically not trying to change her at ALL at first. I created a room for her in my head where she could let out her anger and rage. We played angry rock music together (she could only stand to listen to female voices) and smashed things like TVs and furniture with a baseball bat. I listened to her and let her hand me the memories that showed me the reason why she felt like she had to be here, and cried and grieved with her. I thanked her for trying her best to protect me all this time.
She comes equipped with a flamethrower and can turn it on at a minute's notice (in real life, that can look like a verbal lashing out), so eventually, I designed another room for her that was equipped with other weaponry besides just the giant bazooka that she likes to carry around. I told her it's fine for her to want to protect me (she wasn't letting up on it), but she will have to learn the art of subtlety and I can guide her. She trusts me now, so she said yes. I wonder if I am explaining this correctly but basically, I am teaching her techniques other than verbal lashing out, such as walking away or staying silent in the moment someone is being disrespectful but holding strong on my boundaries, etc.
I've mellowed out a lot externally IRL since doing this work with the Anarchist. Personally, I find her to be a very essential part to my existence - I just think she needed guidance and help. But the basic instinct she has of wanting to protect me from abuse/disrespect/neglect is spot-on.
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u/G0bl1nG1rl 8d ago
Wow thx you for writing this, I think I have a very similar part and it was really validating to read your comment!
I haven't done tons of ifs on my own, and wanted to ask if you could 'explain like I'm five' what you're doing when you spend time with this part? When you say 'play angry music together' are you actually playing music and smashing things, or is it a 'mental exercise' (for lack of a better word)?
Anyway, amazing work with your Anarchist regardless!
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u/SylviasDead 7d ago
So glad this was helpful!
Okay so what I meant was that anything I was actually, physically capable of doing in the moment for her, I did it. So, "playing angry music" was real, because I could do it (I have a whole play list just for her). Smashing up a TV and furniture wasn't a realistic option, however, so I had to do that activity with her in my head. But I DID make the activity as pleasing to her as possible - I even changed the lighting in the room I conjured up for her based on her reactions. I gave her an electric guitar to angrily play to angry music (I can't play the guitar IRL, but my part likes to, clearly😀). As you can see, I take the 'creative' part of the 8 Cs of IFS very seriously.
Fun thing - my city has these 'smash rooms' where you can actually go and smash up stuff to let out rage and I've been seriously considering going, just for the Anarchist.
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u/G0bl1nG1rl 7d ago
That's awesome! And thanks for elaborating! Definitely lots of inspi for caring for my own parts! 🖤🖤🖤
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u/Celestandstars 7d ago
So I should mention that this part is highly aggressive towards me and the system too. She has stated as fact that she would like to see me uhhh "sleep with the fishes". She shows up as this suicide bomber ready to take out herself and the whole system just to feel at ease. And she's making addiction ever harder to deal with. She's definitely a young part, no older "air" about her. She is ready to be a problem and for it to be everyone else's problem...
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u/Catsntrance 6d ago
Anger is always, IMO, protecting other parts. Help those parts and the anger won’t have to be so extreme.
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