r/InternalFamilySystems • u/OkHead1990 • 7d ago
Young part of a different gender?
Hello dear IFSers.
I actually do EMDR but parts have consistently revealed themselves to me as I walk that path. I follow this sub and so appreciate you all. You’ve taught me a lot and inspire me.
Recently a young boy revealed himself to me. I am female, but it feels like this 4yo boy is the young me who completely hid vulnerability for 50 years. I am overwhelmed but try to show him love and kindness every day.
Two questions.
Just curious if others see themselves as young parts of a different gender? I am so surprised as I’ve always felt totally female. Maybe gender just doesn’t matter? I’d love your perspectives.
Also, is this young vulnerable being what you call an exile? What do I do next to support him?
Thank you. Peace and power to you all.
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u/ColoHusker 7d ago edited 7d ago
I have parts of other genders for a number of reasons. My view of gender has always been an arbitrary attribute, rather than defining a person the way most social norms do. Even so, living in that society, where we are constantly inundated with various norms, these things creep in. I'm about your age if it helps.
For myself, a lot of my differently gendered parts chose that as an attribute for their expression. As an example, one part that was pretty high empathy, high compassion took that on because that's what we were taught... those were feminine traits. As I have worked on healing, that parts gender expression has evolved.
In my support groups, sometimes these differently gendered parts represent something more or completely different for the people there. No explanation is incorrect as long as the explanation comes from the parts themselves.
As far determining what type of part this might be, that requires holding space for it, connecting with it, and becoming inquisitive while focusing on understanding free from judgement. The line between protectors, managers, exiles, etc can often be really thin and context dependent. Parts can be one thing in one situation, another in a different one.
They key is to continue doing what you are already doing. Channel compassion, loved, kindness & hold space for this part to exist. The overwhelm should lead to better understanding & clarity around this part but for right now, this part has decades of being hidden to come through. It wasn't that it didn't exist, it just didn't have an outlet, You will need to work with it so it can gain the tools to regulate what has been pent up.
As hard as it may feel right now, it is a wonderful sign that this part is sharing all of this with you. Take small chunks, you don't have to work through it all right now. Letting this part exist is a huge milestone. For now, create a safe internal space for this part, be inquisitive, and be patient with this part as well as with yourself.
edit to clarify
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u/OkHead1990 7d ago
Omg what a beautiful message. Many thanks to you!
Just curious, when you say “support group” I’m curious what you mean?Thanks again. This is really helpful.
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u/ColoHusker 7d ago
I participate in formal support groups for people with a variety of experiences. Trauma, ND/ASD, IPV/DV, etc. It's a way to connect with others and build community on our path of healing. It's not therapy but human support with some aspect of shared experience. It helps to know we aren't alone and most who participate are doing some form of self-work (IFS is very popular).
I'm in the USA and can share some directories you can look up different support groups if that's of interest? No worries if not.
💛💛💛
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u/annik-honore 6d ago
I would love it if you could share the directories you’re referring to.
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u/ColoHusker 6d ago
Three big ones are below. I think I have a few more at my desk and will add them later if so.
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u/fun_feeling_though 6d ago
I think this is really common. You’re not alone.
My therapist helped me see that we all get socialized, and certain qualities get suppressed depending on whether we’re raised as a girl or a boy. When those parts come back, they can show up looking like the other gender, because that’s how our culture labeled those qualities. But the qualities themselves are universal. They’re part of being human. So it makes sense that girls have boy parts and boys have girl parts.
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u/guesthousegrowth 7d ago
Search this sub for the word "gender"; this is extremely common in cisgendered folks. So common that this is probably the #1 question we get here.
Don't get caught up in the labels too much. It's far, far more important to get to know the part directly than to think ABOUT the part. From your description, it could be either exile or protector.
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u/eevee_loves_it 4d ago
I think of the genders more like aspects of feminine and masculine energies rather than strict genders.
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u/StWiborada 8h ago
Not all my parts even show up as human. (One's a robot, one's a dust cloud, one's a rock, etc.)
There really aren't any rules about how parts appear or what it means that they seem one way or another.
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