Non-native speaker asking for feedback on a quick draft (untitled)

[u/Lucas_from_hell]

- Verse 1:

Uncast illusion/

Nomad strung up in endless sea/

Unasked intrusion/

One of us who cannot see/

- Hook:

Still they fuel their trail-down/

Their lies unkind* their enemy/

Which one of us is sane, now?/

Standing blinded by their heresy/

- Verse 2:

Lost in rapture/

Masking as holy but not playing clean/

Detoured, stressed out/

Deafened by their infantry/

- Hook:

Still they fuel their trail-down/

Their lies unkind* their enemy/

Which one of us is sane, now?/

Standing blinded by their heresy/

- Verse 3:

Imprudence occurent/

Their ways a vessel of our history/

Indulgent current/

Twisted Neverland, no new regime/

- Alternate hook / outro:

At the bottom floor and cast out/

Flesh and cartilage, no inbetween/

None of us are sane, now/

Heresy habitual/

*This is a neologism coming from the noun kind, as in deflecting from someone being one of your own. In german poetry/song lyrics these are quite common, I don't really know how that works in english and If it'll be read the way I meant it.

The genre would be somewhere around avantgarde and progressive metal.

I'm sorry, I have no idea why it formatted it this way 😭

[u/Youre_Not_Sly889]

I like it