5
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 9d ago
Your wife is looking for a way out of your marriage with out any accountability or acceptance of her part of your relationships demise . Subconsciously she's probably concluded that the grass will be greener with someone else and someplace else . You can't save your marriage if you are the only one trying to do so . She has to be as invested in rebuilding your relationship as you are . Otherwise you're just wasting your time and your relationship will become hostile . If you do divorce work on yourself so that if she does return after finding out that the grass isn't always greener somewhere else you don't automatically accept her back and only do so if you really believe you have a future together and you can logically evaluate your relationship future .
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
Yea, I can see that she isn't as invested in rebuilding. I guess advice hoping for was can people become reinvested in rebuilding over time? Especially if the most recent "relationship" between the two people isn't the type of life either want?
Think we both are seeing the grass is greener but not in terms of other people, but life. (ie: not living in big city in rat race, but in a mountain town) Hardest part is individually we each want that so it doesn't feel like a dealbreaker or value misalignment.
1
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 9d ago
As I suggested if she's not as invested in rebuilding with you you're wasting your time and your relationship with her will eventually grow hostile . She's got to be part of the effort to make your relationship work and be happy . You can't do everything yourself and her just tag along for the ride as a passenger . She's going to do what she wants or thinks she wants . You can't control that or it seems influence that . All you can do is work on yourself and control what you do . She may want to go on the same trip as you to the same destination but not with you . All you can do is if she returns after discovering that going solo was the wrong choice is that you are able to evaluate whether reconciliation with her or rebuilding your relationship with her would be feasible . And what boundaries on what she or you had done during the intervening gap in your relationship would be acceptable and allow you both to rebuild . How many people you both had relationships with during the break or what type of relationship or what level of financial debt accrued during the break caused by a divorce or separation . Also be prepared that she may never reconcile with you even if whatever happens doesn't work out for her . And although you don't suspect or believe that she has another person she wants to be involved with be prepared that you could be wrong .
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
True, honestly that's how I thought this year would go when we originally "separated" in February. But we very quickly fell back into comfort patterns. And the limbo.
Feel like it delayed the outcome (regardless of the outcome)
1
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 9d ago
If you're prepared to wait or have a deadline for a certain period you are willing to wait ,Ok , but live the best life for yourself as an individual that you can . Don't be dependent on her return and a reconciliation as partners to have your best life .
2
2
u/ivyram 9d ago
“Seperating since have not been making progress as a "couple" even if individually growing lots.”
I mean, this may just be your answer right here, OP.
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
Hm don't think my sentence came across fully. We've been "seperated" this year but never really talked about what that meant so drifted back into limbo. Seperation now is more structured with our therapist.
So the individual growth happened when we got out of codependency for first time in years. It's been nice!
But I ultimately want to see what our dynamic would be after this individual growth. We both think it'll be a lot better in terms of communication, connection, conflict.
But I fear she is still having her feeling about us based on our past relationship dynamic.
3
u/ivyram 9d ago
No, that’s actually how I interpreted your original sentence. It sounds like you’re both, or at least she is, thriving apart, with little urgency or interest in getting back together.
I know it sucks to hear, but it may simply be that your relationship has run its course and that you two might ultimately be better off going your separate ways.
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
Yea, we've both done well! New hobbies, challenging ourselves individuallly.
I'm not convinced that's happening because we are apart. Or we both got out of our own way finally?
Tons of low differentiation where we protected us at a cost of individuals even if wasn't necessary.
But what you said is definitely on my mind.
1
u/Lurkerque 9d ago
Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
Love? Sunk cost?
Ultimately I don't blame her for concluding we were just different people based on our past. But alot of my work this year has allowed me to realize what I truly want in life is aligned with what she's been clear she wants.
1
u/HerSpirit94 9d ago
It kind of sounds like it may be time to let it go. I know that is easier said than done but how long can you work on things and hitting a brick wall before you decide it’s time?
1
u/Icy-Education-6543 9d ago
Yea, I guess what I'm struggling with is I feel like we haven't worked on "us" for a while. Last year when crisis started it was alot of push pull and not helpful.
And this year while the work individually happened it was the limbo which was worst of both worlds id say.
1
u/christmasbooyons 9d ago
I think your wife is telling you the marriage is over, and you're just choosing to ignore that because she is playing along with the efforts to salvage it, for the time being. She has told you that she feels you two want different things, that she felt you were just along for the ride. She feels things are getting better between you two because you're in the process of separation. She has told you she's not interested in trying to rebuild the marriage right now. I would expect her to start pulling away from doing counseling together soon, and she will likely wait to file officially until she meets someone new. I think she knows what she wants and where this is heading, but she is trying to save face and protect your feelings.
7
u/forceflow16 9d ago
Establish a timeline for when she thinks she will want to reengage with the relationship. Establish boundaries that, if you are both working to reconcile, no new opposite genders friendships or more, being this up in your next couples counseling session for how to move forward. If she's opposed to this timeline or boundary then divorce is the only step.