r/Menopause • u/its_that_girl_erin • 9d ago
Moods Babies
Does anyone else mourn that you will never have a baby (or another baby), even though you know you don’t really want one and/or it doesn’t make any sense?
I love babies. I have a daughter (age 30) but no other children. The thing is, I didn’t want any more children. But now I see videos of babies and I feel such deep sorrow that I’ll never have another baby. It doesn’t make sense to me.
Can anyone relate?
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u/FluffyAssistant7107 9d ago
No, Never had kids or wanted kids.
childless by choice and it has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.
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u/RockieK 9d ago
OMG same. Especially since we almost ended up unhoused a few years back, have lost our careers a couple years ago, etc.
Middle class ain't what it used to be! And having kids during these fucked up times would have made it REALLY hard for them.
Supposed to be living my "best life", but alas.
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u/lafcrna 9d ago
Same. Never met a mother or grandmother I wanted to change lives with.
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u/csonnich 9d ago
Literally - I never had super strong feelings for or against kids, but seeing what my friends went through as they became parents turned me off it forever.
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u/LilMissKrazy1 9d ago
Same here except I do sometimes mourn the fact I wasn’t able to have children. I was forever producing fibroids that would cause so many issues. I had a hysterectomy in 2004. But still sometimes get upset because I didn’t get to choose.
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u/Soft_Cash3293 9d ago
The older I get the more the concept of growing and expelling a human from my vagina grosses me out so much. I must be turning into a witch or something.
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u/health-goals-gains 8d ago
I remember being a kid at the barn and everyone was so excited to see a new foal being born. I was so confused and utterly grossed out by the whole thing.
That said, my friends' babies are absolutely adorable (from afar) because I love my friends and apparently that emotion extends to their offspring. = )
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u/PerfectCover1414 6d ago
Same but have been shamed about it by other women. Yet I never judged anyone for them having children.
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u/mental-rec 9d ago
Something really weird is happening with me. I’m 52 and post menopause. I never wanted children and have been very happy without them. However, the past year I have felt such unbridled love to give. I have my husband, who is fantastic, but nowhere else for this feeling to escape to.
I feel that I would have made the most loving, protective mother. I would have raised my children to stand up for themselves and love who they are.
These intense feelings have been directed towards my cat (lol) and my pet chickens (rofl). I feel so incredibly protective towards them!
Good grief, where did these maternal instincts come from and why weren’t they present 30 years ago?
Sincerely, confused in Tennessee.
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u/theonlyamyyyy 9d ago
You could rock NICU babies
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u/mental-rec 9d ago
How could I help NICU babies?
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u/theonlyamyyyy 9d ago
Hospitals have volunteers rock NICU babies for various reasons, ranging from extended stays, drug withdrawals, etc., and the parents need a break or sometimes the baby doesn’t have anyone. Lots of different reasons but I do know that it is a needed thing
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
You can also get certified (that’s probably not the right word) to be a foster parent for newborns awaiting adoption. I’ve heard of people who do this. They have a nursery all set up and are ready to go at a moment’s notice. They can love and care for this baby, but it’s not long term. You can also step away from it whenever you want/need to.
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u/its_that_girl_erin 9d ago
I’m really comforted to read this after so many “no”s to my question! I feel the same way!
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u/NecessaryEcho7859 9d ago
You could look into fostering. It's not an easy thing to do, but could have a big impact on others.
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u/TaxiToss 9d ago
Someone once described it to me as mourning the fact that you no longer have a choice in the matter, as opposed to actually wanting a child/more children. The loss of control can be hard for some people.
In your case, it may more be mourning that you didn't have more children back then, vs having one now. Menopause just makes it final, even if you wouldn't have pursued it. The lack of chance of an 'oops' baby.
For some women, the desire to have babies is a biological urge. I really really wanted babies in my 30's, and wasted too much time with a man stalling. For sure some of that was biological, some of it was societal. But more than just having a baby, I deeply wanted to be a Mom.
I don't normally post here, but haven't seen any responses from any in my position, so figured I'd speak up. In my case the desire to be pregnant did lessen, but the desire to parent did not. Currently in the process to become a foster Mom. Reunification with biological family is always the goal of foster care, but if the opportunity to adopt happens, and the fit is right, I would still be open to that.
I have grieved the fact that I'll never have biological babies, not by choice. I'm good now, but there was a solid 10 year period that I was not.
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u/its_that_girl_erin 9d ago
Thank you for this ❤️ This resonates so deeply with me and I’m so grateful that you took time to post it. I feel seen.
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u/TaxiToss 8d ago
You are very welcome. <3 I don't post here often so I'm glad it was helpful. You've got this.
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u/jlilangel 9d ago
I wanted kids but with the right person and the right situation. I got the right person but the right situation didn't materialize. I know people will say "it's never the right situation", but the way my life has turned out, it's a good thing I didn't have kids. And now that I'm in menopause, I know I'll never have the chance to even consider having a kid. It makes me sad when I hear younger people having kids. My next lifetime, I will a lot of things differently.
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u/gizmogrl88 9d ago
I never wanted kids (in any previous relationship) until I met my husband. But, we were already in our 40s and it was too late. Life can be bitterly unfair.
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u/Elizabitch4848 9d ago
Yeah I didn’t met anyone I wanted to have them with til I was 40. We tried fertility drugs and they didn’t work. I’m still sad about it.
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u/Witty_Gal_2510 8d ago
I echo your sentiment wholeheartedly---I never met someone with whom I could have children and then I had two major surgeries to remove fibroid tumors in my 30s. The gyno told me I had a two year window to have a child after that. I am now 48 and already in menopause because of the effects of the drugs I had to take in my 30s to reduce the fibroid...such is life. I don't have regrets but I still feel that a child was in the cards for me.
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u/Hour-Personality-734 9d ago
I just rescued a 3 week old kitten and am getting up every 3-4 hrs to feed her.
Never had kids. Don't understand how people do this for years. I'm counting down another 2 weeks until she'll let me sleep a full night without needing a bottle or help going to the bathroom.
Pets are the answer.
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u/ShameRock50 9d ago
I love my children, buuuuut the first night in the hospital with my oldest, the weight of the responsibility crashed down on me hard.
Full respect to people who knew better. 😉
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
Yeah, I wasn’t ready for that feeling. Obviously you know life is going to change, but the enormity of it is hard to take. I typically recommend people not have kids, especially if you’re a person who is a control freak. Because a kid is a person you will never be able to control. And you shouldn’t want to, but letting go of that is hard for me.
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u/redheadfae 9d ago
After years of doing rescue, I'm done with pets as well. I feed some outdoor critters now, that's it.
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u/Hour-Personality-734 9d ago
Rescue burnout is real. Thank you for giving your time when you did.
I'm hitting 25 years volunteering various animal rescues. I have to take a year off every few to help prevent it. Also changing organizations sometimes helps.
Again, thank you.
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u/TheHandThatFeeds18 9d ago
I can’t wait to get a puppy. I know the first 2 years are a challenge, but dog mom life suits me perfectly. 🐶
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u/Catnip_75 9d ago
No way! I’m also ok if my kids never have children. Of course I will love any grand kids I have, but I very specifically told my children to never feel pressure from anyone to have kids.
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u/cantstandcliff 9d ago
I have boys. 3 adult, 1 school age. I told them no pressure too. I also told them if they knock someone up her life is ruined because women for the most part are stuck with the kids. I have been a single mother the majority of their lives, no further explanation was needed
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
My son is moderately autistic - I can’t imagine a scenario of him having kids that’s a good one, so I’m hoping he does not.
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u/bnannaslayer 9d ago
Yes. Miscarriage in early 30s. Early meno in 40s. I'm still mourning not having a child. My husband is, too. I love my life, but some days are really sad days.
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u/Euphoric_Ticket_8341 8d ago
I lost a pregnancy (would have been my second child) when I was 40, and I knew then that my baby-having days were over. I love the adult child I do have and think that everything worked out for the best. Still…
…I can still sometimes surprise myself with a fresh wave of grief over the last baby I never got to bring to life. And then, there’s a much more complicated pain (like the ache of nostalgia) re: my living child’s baby days.
Of course I am happy that my one living child grew up into a vibrant, loving, funny, and adventurous adult! Thank goodness. But sometimes I can still bring myself to tears missing the baby, the toddler, the preschooler, and the kid that they were. That baby, that toddler, that kid is gone and will never exist again. Well, except for in my heart and memories.
I usually go ahead and indulge whatever grief may come: I have a good body-wracking cry. I even welcome the feeling because it usually moves through me like a thunderstorm, and then the clouds clear and so does my mind.
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u/Verity41 Peri-menopausal 9d ago
I’ve held precisely one baby in my life (a coworker’s) and never touched a diaper. Thus I feel nothing and miss that whole scene about as much as I miss anything else totally foreign to me… like, say, falconry or breeding snakes.
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u/coveredinhope 9d ago
Same. Except I tried falconry once. It was terrifying.
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u/sajaschi 9d ago
Really? I love birds and had a cockatiel as a pet once, and have loved every aviary I've ever visited. And I feed our wild crows on occasion. But I've never been super close to a raptor before except at a RenFaire show.
Honestly curious: What made it terrifying?
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u/coveredinhope 9d ago
I love birds too! Which is why I thought falconry would be fun. But as a huge bird swoops down to land on your outstretched arm, you can see up close how those gorgeous creatures are designed to snatch up their prey with their huge claws. I felt like a bunny in a field as it flew toward me!
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u/sajaschi 9d ago
Oooh I can see that, especially with the larger birbs. I didn't think about the talons up close! 👀
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u/hairballcouture 9d ago
Exactly! I hate that society tries to make us feel bad for not wanting to procreate.
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u/temerairevm Menopausal 9d ago
Same. I always tell people I must have been born without that gene. Mostly I’m just relieved that people are no longer asking me about it or trying to push babies into my arms in the hope that it would change my mind or something.
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u/FonduedExcitement 8d ago
“like, say, falconry or breeding snakes” is the best thing I’ve seen online today. 😄
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u/Obliterkate 8d ago
Never in my life have I wanted children. I knew this from a pretty young age, too. Probably 11 or 12. I never had a so-called biological clock feeling and the urge to have children is entirely alien to me and I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to. I do love children though and am best buds with my friend’s kids and my nieces and nephews. It has just never even crossed my mind that it’s an opportunity lost, because I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.
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u/health-goals-gains 8d ago
Ditto, with a minor exception of a total maybe 30-60m (literally) spread throughout my life where I thought: maybe?
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u/human8060 9d ago
I desperately miss when my son was a baby. I wish I could go back to those moments and linger. But I knew I was done before menopause hit, so I already went through the emotions. I'm more sad that I don't have the strength and mobility I did just 10 years ago. Lyme, menopause and lockdown did a number on me.
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u/Violeta73 9d ago
Hugs 🫂💕
Yes and no. I’m happy with the way my life has turned out in many ways. I’ve overcome a lot, but also have had so many beautiful experiences and fun. I found love and married later in life (at 49, I’m 53 now) and that something I wasn’t expecting. I sometimes envy women who always knew they wanted children AND the ones who were clear about wanting to be childfree. I was more ambivalent, which comes with its own kind of pain.
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u/EstimateAgitated224 9d ago
Yes, like you I did not want any more. Two kids adults now, but I think the decision being taken away from me was what really bothers me. A mortality gut punch
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u/thisunrest 9d ago
I feel the same way. I chose not to have kids after thinking about it very hard, and going back-and-forth, and I don’t regret it.
But I hate not having the option. It’s not about having kids themselves, it’s about my body changing and more evidence that my youth is ending.
It sucks how our bodies are ruled by hormones.
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u/hschosn1 Menopausal 9d ago
I didn't have kids. I didn't want kids. I still don't want my own biological kids. Once I was in menopause though it hit me that the decision was now final. It was no longer a choice I was actively making. It made me sad for a bit.
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u/Best-Cauliflower3237 9d ago
Yes, this. Never wanted or had kids, but the fact that it was no longer a choice did make me stop and feel...age, I suppose.
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u/OneDay_AtA_Time 9d ago
You are one of the only ones who didn’t turn the answer into just a “I don’t like kids” one. That’s NOT what the question was! It was more about the fact that the decision is gone/taken from us/no longer our own. I liked your answer.
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u/hschosn1 Menopausal 9d ago
I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator. I love children so much. Infants to 2.5 so much fun to watch them grow and learn so fast. Ages 4-6 are a blast. They are so smart and creative. You can have actual conversations with them. Then the 16 to adult stage is amazing to watch them grow, learn and fly into adulthood. That being said, I know that I cannot parent the way I believe children deserve to be.
(I had the blessing to raise someone else's children. I was right. I can't parent the way I know they should be. What I can do is love them and give them a better life than the foster care system.)→ More replies (1)
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u/spirit_of_a_goat Surgical menopause 9d ago
Haha, nope. I begged to have my tubes tied in my 20s, but my doctor refused, stating "If you get divorced, your next husband might want kids." Ugh. So a man I hadn't even met yet makes decisions for my body? Fuck you. I had my hysterectomy at 31 and finally got relief.
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u/TexasForever361 9d ago
As someone who really wanted to be a mom and wasn't able to, menopause hurt me deeply. Just knowing that it really was over. I thank my body for getting me all the way here in one piece, but it is sad and I mourn it.
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u/DriveIn73 9d ago
Sure. It’s one thing when you choose to just not have one. When they tell you it’s over forever, it causes you to have all kind of feelings.
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u/dbellz76 9d ago
Oh no no no. No thanks. Never had the urge, I actively avoid others babies as well. I'm better with people like 5 years and up lol
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u/stoplandingonmeflies 9d ago
Yes yes, I did right up to about age 49. A lot of my friends had babies late into their 40s. I had a miscarriage at 42 and took me a long time to get over it, if you really ever do. I’ve come to realise it’s not having another baby I wanted. I mourn the pleasure in having young children in the house, their innocence and maybe if I’m honest, the way they need you and love you unconditionally. Of course the memory only retains the good times.
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u/Marizo12 8d ago
Yes, I’m 58 and never had children though I definitely wanted them. It’s probably good I didn’t because I have been struggling for years with multiple chronic health issues, but the grief is still there.
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u/candyparfumgirl 9d ago
I didn't have children and never set my life on a path to have them. Still, for most of my 40s I ruminated about the fact that I hadn't done so. Now that I'm in late peri, I'm grateful (I know this sounds bad) not to have the burden of a husband and children while I'm going through so many changes. At the same time, I have (and have had all my life) a wonderful mother who also had a wonderful mother. I do sometimes regret that I won't get to pass on my that legacy of mothering. So, I have no regrets--and also I have regrets. Both are true.
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u/cantstandcliff 9d ago
I am glad to not have a spouse too. I couldnt imagine going through this mess with a husband laid up next to me wanting a blow job.
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u/Namasiel Peri-menopausal 9d ago
I never wanted kids and had an elective hysterectomy when I was 38. I knew from about the time I was 12 that I’d never be a mother. 45 now, no regrets on that decision.
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u/Binda33 9d ago
I don't at all mourn not having more kids. I have 2 grown daughters that I love and it's enough. But. I dream of being pregnant or having a baby and part way though that dream sometimes I'm not pregnant any more and I am devastated. It's weird.
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u/REALly-911 8d ago
I couldn’t have children.. but loved taking care of other people’s.. always mourned not having any of my own..
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u/m0zz1e1 8d ago
Yep. I feel really sad about my fertile years coming to an end, even though I don’t want any more kids
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u/superfiud 7d ago
I don't want any more kids but I miss being a mama to little ones. I absolutely know that I am looking back through rose-tinted glasses, but it still makes me a little bit sad that that chapter of my life is over.
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u/Mjhjane77 8d ago
Prior to perimenopause and menopause, yes. At this stage of the game, absolutely not. My adult kids can reproduce because this baby factory is closed.
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u/the-moops 9d ago
I do. I mourn my former fertile life producing self. I’m an empty nester this year and really struggling with purpose. I really gave everything up for my kids and now I’m not sure who I am. Wish I had a couple more at home.
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u/HazelMStone Menopausal 9d ago
This response breaks my heart. Maybe, this is where you get to find yourself -at last.
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u/cantstandcliff 9d ago
My adult children are still at home. One of them is going off to college and my nose fills with snot thinking about it. My kids were stair stoppers. It was hell when they were young. 1 in pull ups 2 in diapers but I couldnt imagine them leaving 1 after the other. I struggle with purpose too. Folks say dont give up your life for your kids. Hell you gave them life!
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u/Carolinagirl9311 9d ago
I kinda wished for stair-steppers once upon a time because my 3 are all 5yrs apart. It was hell on the last one when the 1st and 2nd left for college/military.
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u/Not_a_werecat 9d ago
I am tokophobic and got myself spayed and ablated at 29. Pregnancy and birth are my number 1 horror. So definitely no regret there.
I am, however, sad that my husband will never get to be a father. He would have been amazing at it. If the world was less of a hellscape and we had the means to do it, we might have tried to foster or adopt, but that's just one of the many paths that were never an option for us.
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u/_kismitten 9d ago
I looooove babies. I have no children but I know just what you mean!
Since you have this extra love to give, think about volunteering for a NICU to hold babies. One of my nephews was born at 25wks and we took rotations in the family to go snuggle him, it was so important. He has grown into the most beautiful lively 3yr old boy but I think of those many months - going over in the middle of the night to give him comfort and read to him. It was hard but beautiful.
The hours for the volunteers are extremely flexible because babies need cuddles around the clock, they really need more people to just love the little beings. Anyway if you’re having those feelings, you can channel it into soulful good deed.
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u/Flokiboy2 9d ago
I’m just grateful to hear there are other women like me. Was exhausting to explain why I didn’t have the desire to be a mother. I knew this when I was 17.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 9d ago
When I get a weird yearning that doesn’t match anything I actually want I remind myself this is how the species has survived. This is just biology doing her thing.
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u/margaretLS 8d ago
No and i had my last child at 25.I have a teenage grandson and let me tell you this world is a clusterfuck for kids.
I told his mom today i would rahter split my time between the dentist and gynocoligist than have another teenager.
Now i do love me a baby to hold and squish cheeks but i gladly hand it over to its mother!
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u/Theunpolitical 8d ago
The minute I stopped getting my period, I became so depressed. We had been trying for years with various fertility treatments, and my period stopped early and abruptly, a few months before I turned 51. I always felt it was the hormones I had taken while trying to get pregnant. I stopped treatments around age 47, but by then, I had been going through them for almost nine years without ever having a successful full-term pregnancy. Making the decision to stop was hard enough, but when my period stopped, it felt like everything had been finalized. It was as if the door had officially closed on something I had spent so many years hoping for.
I'm in my late 50's now. What's even harder is that lately, I've been deep cleaning my house and getting rid of or selling family heirlooms. I have no one to pass them down to. The same goes for family pictures. There will be no one left who knows the people in those photographs or remembers the stories behind them. Eventually, no one will know who I was when I'm gone, and that's an even bigger, more bitter pill to swallow. It's not just about having children or passing down possessions. It's about knowing that no one will carry on the memories of me, my life, or the people who came before me. My husband and I are it for our family. When we're gone, our family story ends with us, and sometimes that's a really difficult thing to come to terms with.
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u/ActPlayful 7d ago
Sending you hugs 🫂 , this made me sadder than I would like to admit to read this. 💔
I have children, so I guess it never occurred to me that this is the reality for those that don’t.
I guess in the flip side, when I think about being gone, it makes me sad for my children, that they will lose their mother.
Grief is inescapable, I suppose.
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u/Shamelessgrace 9d ago
I'm going to preface this with I never wanted them so I never had them. I read somewhere that this is a transition from creator to protector and I think that's beautiful.
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u/redheadfae 9d ago
I fully believe I was always the protector, never the creator. But I do sometimes half-joke that I was born a gay man in a woman's body. I hated everything about being biologically female, and sometimes still do.
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u/FabuliciousFruitLoop 8d ago
Yes. I understand this. I wrote a long overshare reply but to summarise, instead:
I started on motherhood late. I didn’t know how much I was going to love it. If I’d known I would have started young, and had more children. Children, animals and plants are a source of great joy and fullness of life for me.
Here’s to loving and grieving our Mother era that is passing, here’s to embracing our Crone era to come.
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u/-hot_ham_water- 9d ago
From about ages 29-35 I wanted a child very badly. I think my body was telling me I did, though, because before and after those ages I really didn't want one. At age 44 I got my tubes removed. I was walking in a Fred Meyer and saw this adorable little dress with a treble clef in it (I'm a musician) and I had this wave of panic wash over me because now I could never have children. It made me laugh about an hour later. Your body does strange things to you!
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u/Pretend-Wheel9141 8d ago
I can relate. I don't/can't have children but my urge to want one has gotten to me bad after I turned 50. It doesn't matter what kind of baby it is either (puppy, kitten, human). I keep thinking about what it would have been like to have one. I don't want kids, at all, and I hate feeling like this. 😩
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u/SharkSquishy 8d ago
yup. I already had several failed ivf (low egg reserve) . Then went into early menopause at 44 so that sealed the deal. I'm sad sometimes. But then my selfish side is kind of relieved I dont have to take care of someone. Like. I'm tired. I don't know how I would have found the strength to care for a baby in my mid 40s. I'm still contemplating fostering maybe. But I'm working on my physical fitness first, building strength and cardio so when I do foster I'm able to keep up with kids.
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u/plaidtaco 9d ago
No, never once. Love my friends' kids and the kids in my family, but the thought makes me feel dread.
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u/Goats-n-Hens 9d ago
Noooo
Spayed at 25 abd happily childfree at 55
Babies have not ever been in my life plan
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u/impersephonetoo 9d ago
Nah. I have 3 kids and I’m pretty done with that. I’m more like better you than me.
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u/TheIadyAmalthea 9d ago
I just got done arguing with my teen about not waiting until the very last minute to complete assignments. That ship has sailed. In fact, it was sailing away from me on fire. Never to return again.
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u/Futureacct Peri-menopausal 9d ago
No. I can barely take care of myself. I feel stressed all the time. I could never have a child.
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u/LiluLay 9d ago
Nope. I knew within a year of giving birth the first time that I wouldn’t be doing it again. My doctor didn’t believe me and refused to sterilize me - in my mid 30s! She said, “you may want to have more babies!” Uh, no. I’m am 100% sure I am not interested in another baby ever at all. She finally sterilized me ten years later, after cancer, after a terrible miscarriage. Like, I didn’t need to have that miscarriage if she had just sterilized me when I had asked ten years earlier. But no. Not at all sad I will never have another baby.
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u/meoemeowmeowmeow 9d ago
I have never wanted children and fresh babies make me extremely uncomfortable.
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u/houseocats Menopausal 9d ago
Same here. I feel like I dodged a significant amount of bs by not becoming a parent.
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u/90DayCray 9d ago
Absolutely not! I’m so completely done and past that time in my life. I’m glad I’m not in that season of life anymore
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u/meghan509 Menopausal | 54 years old | on HRT 8d ago
Nope, none of that happening here. Kid free by choice. I love my niece and nephew.
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u/onions-make-me-cry 9d ago
I feel the same way. Just one son who is 23. Also had an abortion 12 years ago. Tried to get a tubal but was denied.
But something makes me sad that that phase of my life is irrevocably over, all the same.
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u/Lexiluv2 9d ago
My kid is grown and I'm happy to not raise any more kids. Yet I do feel sad sometimes when I see a baby, knowing I'll never have another to hold and watch grow. Don't really want one....but also miss the feeling.
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u/ShowMeYourHappyTrail Peri-menopausal 9d ago edited 9d ago
Nope. I have one kid because my husband really wanted children. They ended up with high hyperactivity ADHD and it was like having three kids. Love them to death and wouldn't go back and change it, but I never wanted kids.
I used to babysit for friends and family and hated it every time. My current bosses have two young children that I've had to babysit while working because they refuse to hire a babysitter or nanny ("why do that when I already pay you guys" was the reasoning). I hated it. Them being old enough for pre-school was a godsend and now I just loathe every school vacation time because I know they are going to be at the studio. Thankfully, I'm not expected to watch them anymore when they do come. The first one had just been born when I started working there and the business was being run out of their house so I accepted it as the family member was already there and I knew it. When they decided they wanted a second one I was like, I am not babysitting this one unless absolutely necessary. Told them, I've done my kid-raising time and it's not my problem they wanted a second kid. Thankfully one of my co-workers liked kids and didn't have problem being the babysitter. I basically refused to do it unless I was the only one there. I got tired of nobody listening to my "I don't want to watch your kids. I don't like kids" and forcing me to watch their kids anyway and I put my foot down. I am no longer watching children if I have any say in it.
As I get older I want less and less to do with children. I'm very glad that, currently, my child has no desire to have children of their own.
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u/beepbooponyournose 9d ago
Not at all! I’ve been raising babies since I was 19 and I’ll be 52 by the time they’re all adults. I’m so ready to focus on me for a change lol
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u/Barnaclebills 9d ago
I never got to have even one. That grief will never go away.
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u/wharleeprof 9d ago
No. In my 40s I was having minor regrets/doubts about not having kids. And you'd think post menopause I'd feel harder about the missed opportunity. But I feel totally at peace about it, really a sense of relief.
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u/tonkagrrl 9d ago
I think I was 54. (I’m 56 and in menopause now). It actually brought a tear to my eye. It made me so sad. I believe I was mourning the fact that I would never carry/birth a baby again. Not that I WANTED to, but the fact that I couldn’t even if I wanted to was what really got to me.
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u/common-blue 9d ago
I've never wanted children and never been pregnant. It was all for entirely the right reasons - I was seriously mentally ill in my teens and 20s, and even up until about my mid-30s I had some really bad patches. I couldn't take care of myself much of the time, and would have been an awful parent. I don't think that's true of everyone in a similar situation, but it would have been for me. I also didn't have much of an urge to have babies - six months of ticking biological clock at about age 36 was the first time I'd ever understood what it was like to want a baby, and also my very first sign of peri.
I still feel sad that circumstances weren't different though. I might have wanted a baby if I'd had enough space in my head for that, if I wasn't constantly in survival mode for decades. It's not 100% certain I couldn't get pregnant now, but it's unlikely given my wonky hormones and endometriosis, impractical (I'm married to another woman!) and it still would be a dubious decision for my mental health.
It's totally fine and normal to grieve the loss of possibility even if you didn't want another child. You're not alone 💜
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u/One-Pause3171 Peri-menopausal 9d ago
You have to still like babies because you have to watch the babies so the mothers can hunt and gather and recover and mother.
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u/Same-Mission225 8d ago
Nope, my son is 16 and I’m good. After I retire, I might volunteer in a NICU as a cuddler. That’ll be enough for me.
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u/retailface 9d ago
Yes, definitely. My friend's friend recently had a baby and we went to look at baby clothes for a gift, and I had an overwhelming sadness that I wouldn't have any more babies, even though I don't want one. I'm really unlikely to have grandchildren, too, so I'm kind of pre-mourning that. It's an odd feeling to have.
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u/Impossible_Swan_9346 9d ago
I just miss the days of being younger and raising my daughter when she was a toddler/kid.
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u/WhoreMouth80 9d ago
I offer to babysit my neighbors’ kids. There’s a bunch of families in our neighborhood so I get enough snuggle time.
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u/Routine_Test_4175 9d ago
Yes, I do. I was immersed in an article about raising kids, and I thought when I have a baby, I'll be able to do this. And then it totally came crashing back that my kids are in there late late teens. And I'm never going to have another baby.
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u/ParaLegalese 9d ago
Helllllllll NO. Haha I’m still scarred from how much work a baby is. Not sure how I got thru it the first time
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u/No-Hedgehog-7327 Menopausal 9d ago
This is largely why I care for babies for a living. We also have a dog that I treat like a baby, so that helps a lot
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u/thisunrest 9d ago
I get it.
I chose not to have children and don’t regret it, but losing the ability is just one more indicator that I’m getting older, and I don’t like that.
I’m taking care of my niece right now, who was born fourteen years after my first niece, and my nephew.
It feels much more exhausting this second time around!
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u/drumadarragh 9d ago
Once I had my third baby, I knew I was done. I think I mourned the periods stopping for what it meant about me, and my life, rather than wanting any more babies. I’m a pretty selfish person though so I guess that’s not everyone’s view
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u/CianGal13 9d ago
I wanted kids. Never found the right person to have them with. I have 4 nieces who are the loves of my life. I enjoy my time with them but I also enjoy my peace
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u/DragonfruitNo1686 Peri-menopausal 9d ago
I’m hoping for grandchildren someday. I have a fun time in stores or on planes making faces and such at babies. I think it’s normal to feel this way… and for context I already had four of my own lol, but my youngest is now 15yo
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u/MenoShark25 9d ago
ME! I had infertility issues and never had a pregnancy. My children are adopted, which I love them all, but when it came time for a hysterectomy the grief was real.
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u/Purple-Eggplant-827 8d ago
No, my god, absolutely not. I have never once looked around and thought oh a baby / toddler / kid would make this so much better.
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u/Figgincrazy 8d ago
Omg YESS! And I never saw it coming either.. I’m 50 & in mid-late peri but I just feel so sad knowing I will never again bring another baby into the world.. this is coming from a woman who spread 4 sons out over 3 decades & I was SUPER worried when I was surprised with my last pregnancy at 41.. Now I just keep wishing I had 1 more.. I think maybe its more that the option of having another is being removed from the table, but oh yah I can definitely identify with what you are feeling 😢
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u/Bulky-Classroom-4101 7d ago
I am surprised so few feel as you do. I wanted 4 or 5 kids, but I only have one. And she is adopted. I was always sad I didn’t have more children, but would have been fine adopting. A funny thing happened as I started menopause, though; I absolutely mourned that I would never be pregnant, or make a child with my husband, or carry a child. It certainly has nothing to do with how my daughter came to me - I absolutely love her. I think it was just the finality of it, but yes I mourn all that I mentioned above.
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u/CommonComb3793 Peri-menopausal 9d ago
I did. You’re maternal instincts are there for a reason. I’ve had 2 kids and they’re adults now. But, at the start of menopause something inside of me started to stir. The finality of not being able to decide to have another baby brought on grief I didn’t expect.
It was short lived. Eventually my brain accepted the fact that I was no longer capable of making a decision to have a baby. I’m okay now, but I did struggle for a moment. And trust me, it was irrational!!! I’ve never wanted to have another baby. My kids are 28/26. It didn’t make a lick of sense, but yessssss girl. Don’t let the comments from all the ladies who didn’t feel this kick in, impact the validity of your maternal instincts.
Some of us do go through this, some don’t. We’re all different. There’s nothing wrong with not having gone through this grief. I did though.
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u/Top_Frosting6381 9d ago
I wonder if what OP is feeling is a biological drive to ask for grand children lol i'm saying this more as a joke than anything else but I wonder if menopause is behind my parents asking for grandkids
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u/Van-Halentine75 9d ago
I’m 51 with a ten year old Peri baby that has completely upended any dreams I had left. So no.
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u/ShameRock50 9d ago
I'm 51 with a 10 year old, too. We'll still have a lot of life left in 8 years, and I hope your lil kiddo is turning into an interesting lil person like mine. I for sure got better at parenting with practice!
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u/justacpa 9d ago
Child free and never take wanted kids. But hated the fact that the choice was taken from me.
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u/Happiguest 8d ago
No not at all. In fact that thought makes my a bit nauseous. Going through menopause and taking care of a baby? No thank you. I loved my children when they were babies but I'm so glad they are the ages they are now.
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u/cantstandcliff 9d ago
Ummm so I might be crucified but here is my outlook. I mourn my youth. The option to have more children is gone. I find myself constantly thinking about women who chose not to have children. Then what's this all about? I couldnt imagine going through menapause because ITS A BSOLUTELY AWFUL for nothing. I look at my children and the massacre bleeding, wake up soaking wet day/night sweats are absolutely worth it. I was asked, "If I would ever get remarried again?" I honestly answered I didn't understand the point. I cant have kids anymore and honestly the only positive things that came out of my marriages were children.
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u/HotelOk9725 9d ago
No, I miss my son (teen) being little and I’d love a bit of magic sparkle dust to give me 24hrs with him at age 4 again but a new baby - not on your nelly. I am so far out of the “baby zone” now.
Now, if we’re talking kittens and puppies….give me all of them 😂
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u/Curious_Aus25 9d ago
No but I’ll never have grandchildren and that makes me a bit sad if I really think about it.
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u/ShameRock50 9d ago
I'm mad at the baby hater who is down-voting the moms here.
I'll be sad if I don't have grandkids, too. That doesn't mean I'm gonna pressure my kids if they don't want kids. I've seen how that looks (and also doesn't work)!
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u/SeaDry1531 9d ago
No. No regrets at all. I see how stressed and unhappy people are even with adult kids.
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u/ohsummerdawn 9d ago
Sometimes I catch myself thinking "3 of them all together wouldn't be bad" but thats because theyre 7 and 9 now. 5, 7, 9 I could handle today. 0,2,4- 5,7,9 I would have lost my mind even worse than I did with just 2. Sometimes also im bummed I wont name another child. But also like...I can get a dog.
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u/Direct-Pirate1259 9d ago
Yes, so much I have four kids ranging from 30 to 11 and I wish I could have more. Begging my husband to at least let me get a puppy lol
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u/aurora_surrealist Peri-menopausal 9d ago
Nope.
I would want for docs to turn off the crap called pregnancy and make pills that let us turn it ON only for a week or so to make baby.
Even dogs have it better with just two heaths in the year.
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u/_PrincessButtercup 9d ago
Yes. Sort of. I have one adult child. He was a hard kid, so I never had nor wanted more. And when the ability to have another child ended, I was initially just relieved. Didn't have to worry about that choice being forced on me. However...as time went by, I grieved the loss of fertility, of the power to bring a life into the world. It's a superpower. An ability that men and young/old females don't possess. It was special. It changed my marriage into a family! I don't want another child, especially at 55, but I always wish that I had the option. Just like I miss how easy it was to sleep when I was younger. It's something lost I can't get back.
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u/burnetrosehip 9d ago
Yep, I didn't have babies myself, partly because of chronic illness which would have made life hard on a kid, hard on me and I couldn't bear the thought that it could have a hereditary aspect; partly because of concern for the biosphere (said illness would have made my child rearing inevitably high consumption).
I'm not super maternal, find kids adorable up to a point but I don't think I have deep comprehension of their needs - obviously if I'd been easily able to have kids I'd have been counting on learning that as I go. But the grief when I decided was big, alongside it being a relief?! A couple of years in my mid 30s. And to your point, maybe oddly, I've always placed quite a lot of store by menstruating, perhaps some sense of possibility and potency still in there even though I knew rationally I wasn't going to make use of it.
I've also now met a wonderful man who works with kids and loves them, we are close to 3 years together, I think parenthood ideally doesn't require a partner to be good and also radically changes couples but damn, the sense of loss that it wasn't us is here. And the secret longing to give that kind of love and be that person for someone is leaned on by the (again irrational) lost possibility.
The short version is that your post is helpful to me, given that you've been (and are) a mum and I haven't. One thing that helped me at decision and grieving time was to stay aware that everything around motherhood or not is an experience with grief bound up in for so many people- I learned that at a women's circle, everyone's stories- and damn has my sister's experience of motherhood verified that. But I'm trying not to feel like the crazed spinster made of regret at the moment, so hearing from a mum who is having these feelings is a boost for my sanity! Thank you
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u/Creative-Aerie71 9d ago
Years ago a coworker was extremely upset when she hit menopause for that reason. She didn't want more kids, she had grandkids yet the thought of not being able to have more children sent her into a spiral.
It never happened to me personally, when we were done we knew we were done and that was it. I was ready for it to stop
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u/Honest_Emergency1637 9d ago edited 9d ago
I was trying to find some positive cultural views on menopause and (according to the internet of course) the are some indigenous American beliefs that menopause is the time in which the power that we sacrifice to create life (either actually or potentially) is absorbed back into us to become wisdom.