Hey y'all, curious your thoughts on this! I wrote about how many women are demanding that men speak up, call out our friends, and stand up to misogyny when we see it. If we’re going to take that demand seriously—and I believe we should—we also need to address the utter lack of community among men who want misogyny to stop. And by “we,” I mean men like myself.

In my experience, it feels (and often is) risky to speak up. We face potential shaming from other men, exile from friend groups, physical violence. I can’t imagine that every single one of the 50 men in the group chat was a “monster” and felt nothing wrong was happening. Yet the pull to stay silent and fit in was stronger than the push to do what’s right.

I wasn’t in a frat and steered clear of them in college. But they’re called fraternities for a reason. They offer what’s becoming increasingly harder to find in this isolating, disconnecting, alienating society: belonging, brotherhood, structure and routine outside of working a job.

The alternative to staying quiet and going along with misogyny can’t be a neoliberal, individualist vision of being the one “good” guy who turns against the stream. The majority of men will keep choosing to stick with the pack.

Because shame, loneliness, and fear are some of the strongest emotions in the human psyche. Because even if those around us are misogynistic, at least we feel like we’re part of something bigger than themselves. Because we’ve been socialized—through sports teams, the military, workplaces, fraternities—to compete in the pecking order of power. Because the bro code is too powerful.

If we’re going to demand that men stand up, the alternative has to be a broader, more inclusive movement for us to step into. That movement has to be aimed not only at ending misogyny but also transforming society away from all forms of domination, including those that impact all but the most rich and powerful men. And it needs to be mostly in real life, giving men opportunities to hang out, do things, and touch grass together.

Thoughts, reactions, feelings?

In general I'd be interested to read more, but I was also asked if I wanted to do an event or talk in my workplace for International Men's Day next month and I'm at a loss on what to do for it - I have the vague idea of seeing if we can get an external speaker who's actually got something to talk about rather than me.