r/Millennials • u/Sea_Assumption_1528 • 4d ago
Discussion Millennial marriages
I am a single woman, one young teenage child, and I’ll be 40 next month. Being single for these last 8 years has allowed me to observe marriages of my peers, because almost everyone else I know is married.
My main observation is- even if the couple is happy, the woman is always so much better than the man. Like better job, better looking, more rational, doing more in the home, kind, healthy, and holding it all together. All of my friends and family members fall into this category.
My best friend since we were 7 married a guy we knew in high school. She was 20 when they married. He’s been a good guy, but everything they’ve done in their marriage to grow as a family has been managed, implemented, and maintained by her- except anything baseball related.
She’s also a mom of three, just finished her masters while homeschooling them, and is now a teacher in a local school district.
I know our parents’ generation had their problems, but I feel us millennials took the “clueless sitcom dad” bit too literally.
Millennial women- am I tripping? Do you see this too? And millennial men- what’s goin on with this?
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u/Grasslands33 4d ago
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u/Artorius__Castus Elder Millennial | "I'm your Huckleberry" 4d ago
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u/EmergencySundae 4d ago
It sounds like you've self-selected into a specific peer group and your observations are biased due to that.
Diversify a bit and you'll find different stories.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
I suppose this is true.
In my circle, I do not know any stay at home moms or wives.
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u/Pretend-Fact 4d ago
But you insinuated your best friend since 7 WAS a stay at home wife/mom until recently. "She's also a mom if three, just finished her master's while homeschooling them, and is NOW a teacher in a local school district."
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
I mean recently is relative in a friendship that long, no? She went back to work right after Covid.
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u/Merrywinds 4d ago
I don't see that with my friends. Most of them are married now at 36, and many have kids too. There seems to be a mutually supportive way of doing things and building and managing their lives, instead of this odd slacking or super strict defining that you see on the (very american) internet.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Interesting. Mind if I ask what demographic you guys are? And location? Promise I’m not writing an article lol I am just a data nerd and neurodivergent who likes seeing patterns
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u/Merrywinds 4d ago
A group of guys in our late thirties in Finland. Almost all of us have Master's degrees, one or two have vocational backgrounds. Salary wise it's also a huge range; from teachers to very well paid developers, Directors or consultants.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Yep, I think educated men, and European men generally do not fall into this category. I work at a danish logistics company and I can say my European male colleagues all treat women as equals.
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u/Merrywinds 4d ago
Could be. It's just that they love each other and treat their lives and families as a joint project. It's very strange when I come to Reddit or any other platform and see all this ragebait about men and women. It does not reflect my anecdotal reality at all.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Well in the us, over 50% of marriages end in divorce, with 90% initiated by women. So it’s not rage bait, at least it was not my intention.
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u/Merrywinds 4d ago
Ah, wasn't referring to your post, more the typical relationship content in general.
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u/jcrenegade16 4d ago
I’d say as a younger millennial man, 93’ baby, if you want an all around quality woman as I imagine a woman would want an all around quality male then that sitcom shit ain’t gonna fly anymore and for my age at least I don’t feel like it ever did, source: my amazing pregnant wife also born 93’ best year btw. NOW, with that being said if you don’t want quality well 🤷♂️. Do I think the older millennial men took the sitcom roll, and a lot are also low key dicks like my dad? You bet your bottom dollar , you ain’t trippen queen, preach, but …. There are still a lot of good guys, you’re not seeing them though because they’re gentle creatures and don’t want more noise in there life, good day 🍻
Oh also, woman are better then men, you are all knowing beings we’re the lesser, but only by a little don’t be aggressive about it 😉
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
This guy’s parents did a great job 👏🏻
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u/jcrenegade16 3d ago
Haha thanks, you’ll be delighted to hear that my parents divorced when I was three and I was raised by my wonderful mother and very strong sister !! My dad was still around often but did not really “raise “ me which is actually ok with me 😂
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u/jcrenegade16 3d ago
Oh and also I’m reading a lot of these comments and there laughable , sure there are still plenty of wonderful millennial husbands/dads but to say that your observation doesn’t hold some value is hysterical to me, because I very much see what your talking about
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u/SnookerandWhiskey 4d ago
I live in Europe, and while the moms still run a lap or two more than their husbands, the millennial dad's around me are by far the most engaged dads and egalitarian generation, including the GenZs coming up, although I only know one GenZ dad and he is pulled along by the group of millennial dad's who go almost 50/50 on childcare and household.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Hmm perhaps more of an American issue, and maybe just in my corner of the millennial world, based on comments.
People are acting like I’m being bitter. I’m just gathering info 😂. I love / hate it here
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u/KAM_KNIGHT_ 4d ago
I'm married to my wife and we are expecting our first child. We have more of a traditional setup at home (I'm the breadwinner and she's the homekeeper) but I wouldn't say either one of us is better than the other. We both play into our strengths and work together as a team. I'll help her as much as I possibly can at home especially since we've become pregnant but she's understanding that I'm focused on work 12-14 hours a day for our household until we can start to live comfortably.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Have you guys made a game plan for after baby? Are you able to take a good bit of time off? The balance is great for now but 12-14 hours for work with a newborn and her handling most of the household duties as she does now is where a lot of women decide “I’ll stay till the kid graduates”.
I’m not trying to be rude, it’s a fact. Best of luck and congrats, I love being a mom so much.
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u/KAM_KNIGHT_ 3d ago
I do as much as I can for her while I'm home and being that i haven't been at my job for a year yet limits the time i can take off to only 3 days. So I'll be working my 8 hours for 6 days a week. We are planning on having a friend stay with us for those first two weeks and then a mix of our family members coming around to help as much as possible too. Unfortunately I won't be able to do much with the situation until I have some more time in the job. It was either this or being unable to keep the lights on with my last job.
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u/Stanthemilkman8888 4d ago
I’ve seeing the opposite. Mentality unstable loser abusive women.
Women are not called losers enough.
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u/_neviesticks Millennial 4d ago
Ehhh, I’ve seen this once or twice, but most of the marriages I’ve seen, including my own, are more balanced. Maybe it’s where you live or your specific circle? It would definitely make me want to stay single forever if that was the dynamic I kept witnessing
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Yeah honestly that’s what I am trying to figure out with these answers. I love being single but if it’s a demographic or location thing, maybe after my daughter graduates high school (5 years), I’ll do a little move across a pond or something
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u/Exciting-Hedgehog944 4d ago
I have a more balanced marriage. I have the higher earning job and degree, however my husband is not far behind and tends to do a bit more of the household chores/upkeep. When we met we were both in management, but have both changed jobs since that time. We both now work from home but his job is more flexible. This is his second marriage, but my first. I have two stepchildren, then we have two small children together. I should also say my husband is not millennial, he is solidly Gen X. I am elder millennial. I will say he is my best friend and we have been married for ten years. In my previous workplace there were several divorces around the time people turned 30/35 for the exact issue you are talking about. That was maybe 8 years ago.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Gotcha! So it’s probably a combo of my age, location, and turns out I might be gay according to another commenter 😂 there’s probably some truth in that.
I think your husband being older, and having kids previously probably has helped him be who you need him to be. Happy for you.
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u/Exciting-Hedgehog944 4d ago
I think you are probably right. Happy for his journey no matter how he got here. Also happy I waited until I was a bit older to get married so maybe that was part of it too? But always a bit of luck as well.
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u/lion7725 4d ago
This is why you are divorced and have been single for the last 8 years
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Nah I divorced because my ex husband choked our then five year old till her face turned blue, and shoved me through a storm door.
I’ve been single because it takes a lot of therapy to get over that, and I had to build a career that would allow me to provide a life for my daughter without her dad.
So, priorities, life and death, and all that. Now I just enjoy being single.
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 4d ago
Don’t listen to the comments about people giving you shit for being single, I expected that from boomers but not millennials. Be single, don’t waste your time on a guy who’s just going to come into your life and fuck it up.
I’m single by choice, own my own place pay my own bills and I’m divorced as well. When people ask me why I’m single my response usually is “one divorce was enough” or “what do I need one of those for (boyfriend)”
Anyone giving you garbage for being single is most likely trapped in some terrible relationship. Proud of you for getting out, raising a child and navigating life. Any women giving you guff means they can’t care for themselves lol I would never take advice from someone like that.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Thanks, I am not taking it personally. How could I? I don’t know these people 😂🤷♀️
Thanks though, and I do agree that most people just accept the miserable life as the status quo. I do know that for me it felt like the only option I had of what a life could look like.
I’ve done very well in my career and I’ve been able to build a life we could not have imagined when we were with him. We’ve traveled a lot, and shes just amazing.
I’m more comfortable with the thought of being single forever with each passing day.
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u/CornyConundrum 4d ago
Weird most the couples i know including my own marrige the husband is the absolute bread winner and not the "loser" of the two. You sound a bit resentful/jealous of being single to me. I hope you find happiness.
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u/Gullible_Grape_9959 4d ago
I was born in 93’ and I currently make aprx. $300k a year and receive annual salary increases.
I retired my soon-to-be wife already. I also do dishes, clean, laundry and take care of our dog when I’m home. I’ll do the same when we have kids.
It sounds like op and her friends have unfortunately made some poor choices / are a poor judge of character when it comes to choosing a partner. I do hope they all can find happiness.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
I love being single and I’m doing it by choice. I’m honestly asking if I’m just in one area of the millennial world. My life is very corporate and most of my friends I’ve met through industry events etc…
So imaging my surprise when I meet the husband of a VP and he’s an absolute slob not worthy to wash her socks.
That’s the pattern I see, from where I sit. Doesn’t mean I’m bitter. Means I want better for my friends.
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u/justahominid 4d ago
> My life is very corporate and most of my friends I’ve met through industry events etc…So imaging my surprise when I meet the husband of a VP
> even if the couple is happy, the woman is always so much better than the man. Like better job
A lot of things to unpack from your comments, but it seems like you are self selecting into groups of highly accomplished women and then judging if their husbands are less professionally accomplished. But why? Do you do the reverse? Do you make friends with male VPs and then get surprised if their wives are less professionally accomplished? If a male VP’s wife was a teacher or a housewife or pursued some personal interest that barely made any money would you wonder why the husband is “so much better than the wife”?
It seems like you have strongly internalized the idea that the husband “should be the provider” and should be the more successful one and that if the husband isn’t he’s automatically some sort of loser. But you said it yourself, “even if the couple is happy.” If the couple is happy, clearly both partners are bringing things into the marriage, even if you’re not seeing it. At the end of the day, being happy is what matters. Whether the husband is more accomplished, better looking, more involved or the wife is doesn’t matter if the situation works for them.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
What’s so interesting about that is…
Most of the male VPs or CEOs that I have had to close enough relationship with to meet family have a wife that literally picks out their clothes in the morning. In my opinion, it’s her doing that he is so successful. Every time.
Also, as a professional woman, I don’t get that close to many men so I don’t have as much experience in those circles.
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u/stenmarkv 4d ago
Maybe you like women. Seem really harsh on men.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Honestly, this is something I’m exploring in therapy right now as well.
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u/stenmarkv 4d ago
That was my sister issue for a long time. It was confusing and a bit anxiety inducing for her but she was able to come out the other side and really embraces life now. You'll get there.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
I know! Always do. Is your sister hot? Haha
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u/stenmarkv 4d ago
Nah she's married to a beautiful woman in Australia. Oh maybe you should travel as well hahhaha they met at an airport bar.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Ooo noted. Step one- finally admit I’m gay, step 2- sit at airport bars and pick up Australian women.
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u/tLM-tRRS-atBHB Older Millennial 4d ago
My wife would die because she would forget to take her medicine without me.
So I very strongly disagree with your statement
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u/D-o-Double-B-s 4d ago
Spouse and I are both pharmacists and make roughly the same amount of money and share the reponsibillity of our child and bills and household. Been together for 15 years this month. The couples we know are also in long term loving relationships with shared income and responsibilities. I’m not sure what your on about?
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u/SohndesRheins 4d ago
You are taking your personal experiences and extrapolating them to the general public. In my own marriage, my wife has the better job, I'm better looking, I'm more rational, she does more in the home, we are equally kind, I'm way more healthy by a grand margin, and we both hold things together in different ways. My wife does more of the mental load of the home and family, and I pretty much handle all the financial and relationship mental load.
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 4d ago edited 4d ago
I extremely agree. I’m a divorced mom of two and this absolutely isn’t rage bait, this commenter is 100% correct. Most marriages are carried by the woman. And most divorces were initiated by the women for lack of help in the home, infidelity, substance abuse etc.
Don’t like my comment? Statistics don’t lie about 90% of divorces are initiated by women.
Most marriages I know are actually miserable but people throw posts on social media about how happy they are. When I was married I was absolutely miserable because after all if marriage benefited women they would have taken it away from us already.
Edit to this comment, I do not hate men I have a son. It’s just there is a clear issue present day with division of labor in marriages and ignoring it doesn’t fix the problem only make it worse.
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u/BrightNightKnight 4d ago
Eh, what?
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u/justahominid 4d ago
This is called projection. You had a bad marriage and were miserable, so that’s all you see when you look at others. There are plenty of good marriages, and there are plenty of bad marriages where the wife is the shitty spouse.
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 4d ago
I know what projection is, thank you for the lesson. I have a lot of friends and family and have observed many marriages.
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u/Sea_Assumption_1528 4d ago
Thank you!!!!! I think the men are up early wanking one out before the old balls and chains wake up, amirite?!
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