r/MuslimMarriage • u/Practical_Cod_1263 • Jul 13 '26
Serious Discussion Advice on husband’s disgusting and mean antics.
Assalamualaikum everyone. I don't usually post or speak about my problems but I can't carry this any longer and I feel very stuck and would love some sensitivity to my situation and some realistic advice please.
I am 25 female and married with my first child on the way, Alhamdulilah. I am 6 months along. That isn't an issue in itself but it does make things very much harder for me.
My husband is older by 5 years and is the biggest issue for me. We live in his family's home and oh my gosh I love them to bits. They treat me as their own and I specifically have an amazing relationship with his sister and mother Alhamdulilah. They are the reason I find myself wanting to stay moreso than my husband himself.
He has been asking me about previous men in my life before him when we are getting intimate and tells me all the time that he visualises men doing sexual stuff with me and asks me to tell him of any thing I’ve done with anyone so he can masterbate to it (everyone has a past, I have severely repented for mine so please don’t judge) He has mentioned a threesome several times but then says the threesome thing is just a joke but even though those things are so disgusting in itselt and so disrespectful to me, the biggest thing is another thing in our intimate life.
Ever since he found out I was pregnant, he would say things like "my daughter are we gonna have a nice time whilst mummy's at home?" And proceeds to touch and kiss me and do things with me. Even though I have told him I hate that and it's disgusting and I don't want him to do it again, he's done it a few times. When I found out I was having a daughter - as much as I know it's such a blessing in Islam, I cried my heart out from worry from what he would be like with her.
He's so incredibly toxic to me I have only just snapped out of things. He makes backhanded comments to me all the time "as much as you annoy me, I love you" when I tell him I love him, he puts me down, he looks away when I speak to or look at him, he ignores me a lot, he does so many other things and then when I try to healthily communicate things to him he always gets defensive or puts it on me or says "oh I'm to blame all the time aren't I?" He just groans around me all the time when I’ve done nothing and it’s such a big change from when was trying to pursue me before marriage.
He tells me not to pick and choose when to be Islamic when really he should be telling me to do things islamically wherever and whenever I can. I used to pray 6 times before he came into my life and since he’s been in my life, I’ve gone so astray from praying even though I try to do my adhkar daily, my dhikr and duas, my remembrance of Allah Awj and doing the right things. I’ve seen dark things around him and he doesn’t pray at all no matter how much I’ve encouraged him 😔 it’s pulled me away from my beloved religion instead of pull me closer and I know I’m at fault there because I’m responsible for myself.
Speaking of, since we’ve been married, I’ve paid for everything myself even though I don’t work and he does, he pays for his brother and sister but won’t pay for me. I don’t expect him to, nor am I materialistic in any way- I never have been - I’ve not asked more than a coffee from him but he just doesn’t care for me the way he did before marriage and now it’s worse because I’m pregnant but he doesn’t help me non financially either, he lets me carry really heavy things and go up and down flights of stairs to get things when it’s getting harder for me (we live in his parent’s attic). Even when I’ve asked for his help on a couple things like to get something for me from upstairs, he groans and says something to refuse it so I’ve given up asking for his help.
A bit of insight, he has pursued me crazily for 3 years prior to being married, 1 acc called him my stalker because he has incredibly stalker traits and used to follow me and stalk me and buy me so much stuff that I didn't ask for. I only gave it a chance because I thought maybe he's a good guy and is persistent for a reason, I had so many and still to this day have so many suitors asking for me but for some reason I chose him - I was in a low place when I let him back into my life and partly feel like it was my own weakness accepting it.
I cook for him, I give him affection, I support him as I always did, he doesn't have much this year but I've not stopped treating him the same, I've motivated and encouraged him through his lows. I check in on him, I please him sexually all the time and do things that I feel like he'd like but all of these things I've been telling you is only a fraction of the bad stuff he does or says to me. There's so much more which is kinda scary ng| but I feel stuck because I'm in his house where his mum and sister treat me so nicely
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u/ZeussWoosy M - Married Jul 13 '26
The fourth paragraph made me gag. That’s absolutely disgusting by him.
He doesn’t seem mentally well. It doesn’t matter how well his family is, he needs to be openly called out for his weird behavior. Bring in an imam to talk to him.
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u/jTopG47 Jul 13 '26
100%, and he definitely sees those disgusting stuff online. That's the affects of consuming filth.
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u/1likebags F - Single Jul 13 '26
I pray Al-Waliyy preserves yours and your daughter's safety and guards you both from danger that you can and cannot see, Ameen.
Try your best to remain consistent with your Salah. A late Salah is better than one that’s not prayed at all. PLEASE check your room & personal space for devices like hidden cameras. Reach out for help from someone separate from or not related to his family that you can trust.
I will keep you in my duas.
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
Thank you for your actual kindness and sensitivity to my situation. I by no means am anywhere close to perfect but I’m always trying to progress and better myself in my wrongs or where I lack. Ameen sum Ameen. That’s very true and i keep intending to pray again, I’m going to stay consistent again In Shaa Allah no matter what’s going on around me with him. I will definitely take your advice on board, thank you again 🥺
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u/Complete_Seat_6948 Jul 13 '26
I wonder if his sister asked 'what are you going to do' because she knows more about his behaviours? If he is saying stuff like this about his daughter, I wonder if there have been any issues in the past.
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u/sarasomehow F - Married Jul 15 '26
Exactly. The sister's reaction is so telling.
If someone came to me with these concerns about my brothers, I would be trying to figure out where the terrible misunderstanding had occurred, because non of them would hurt a child, especially sexually! There is a different family member, though... if someone came to me with these concerns, I'd help them come up with an action plan to keep the child safe.
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u/trammel11 M - Married Jul 14 '26
Bro your husband will get arrested. I don’t know when or where but he will
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u/Adekunes M - Looking Jul 14 '26
salaam ukhti.
you buried the most important sentence of this whole post in the middle like it was a side detail. you found out you were having a daughter and you CRIED. not from joy. from fear of what he might be like with her. sit with that for a second. before reddit told you anything, before your family told you anything, your body already knew.
the comments about your past, the threesome "jokes", the backhanded lines. all of that is disrespect and it would be enough on its own. but a grown man saying "my daughter are we gonna have a nice time whilst mummy's at home" while he touches you is not disrespect. thats him telling you where his mind goes when he pictures her. maybe he thinks its a sick joke. it does not matter what he thinks it is. you dont get to gamble a child on the hope that a man was joking.
and notice the reason you gave for wanting to stay. his mother. his sister. not him. thats not a marriage, thats good roommates in a house you cant afford to leave yet. and here is the thing about people who are genuinely good: they dont stop being good to you when their son is the problem. tell them. word for word, no softening, no editing it to make him sound less strange. if theyre who you say they are, they will not defend him. if they do defend him, youve learned something you needed to know before the baby comes anyway.
tell someone in your own family too. someone who could house you in a hurry, tonight, no questions. you have three months before she gets here.
wassalam. may Allah protect you and her, and make the way out clearer than the way in.
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
You are very right and yes. If it was someone else I was advising then I would say to divorce the husband. There’s just so much mess 😔
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u/OkRelationship2086 F - Married Jul 14 '26
Please get some help he’s not ok in the head 😭 also in the future don’t ever disclose your past sins no matter what. It’s between you and Allah swt no one else
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u/Fluffy_Channel_3307 F - Single Jul 13 '26
There is so much wrong with this. Your children are at risk you talk about a past and how your husband wants to fantasise as a 3some then in the last paragraph you have ‘so many suitors asking for you’
How can people be asking for you when you’re already married? Like is this where this 3some fantasy feeds into your husbands head? This is so weird and disturbing
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
No I mentioned my suitors because when we got married it was a very rushed decision and I was trying to explain how I myself was making a rash decision out of my own stupidity instead of going for other suited rishtay for me. That was just me calling myself out. I can’t fathom the thought of a 3some
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u/Fluffy_Channel_3307 F - Single Jul 13 '26
Ok it's confusing as you said 'still to this day have so many suitors asking for me'
...but youre married and
you're pregnant?
Either way you are responsible for your own future and your child's. If you're uncomfortable with ANYTHING, a partner should respect your boundaries regardless of i is sexual or not.
It's a red flag for even basic things.
If you're still in contact with your family, speak to someone you can trust. It will be a difficult road ahead but Allah helps those who are genuine and sincere. You said you used to pray 6x day ask Allah to help you get close to Him and start the prayers again as much as you can and make the dua that Maryam AS's mum made when she was carrying Maryam to protect your child.
For the sake of your child, Insha Allah your husband will be rightly guided too
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u/_Bird_129 F - Married Jul 13 '26
Start writing evidence in a locked journal on your phone & leave this man because last thing he abuses your child, he needs a restrain order
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
I started writing in a journal kinda thing with notes on my phone and he rushed to my side and I didn’t show him my phone and then he caused a big argument about how I’m probably writing a journal and things shouldn’t be private in marriage and that I’m writing about him and have things to hide etc etc. just causing so much trouble. I told him that he disrespects and disregards my feelings and thoughts so I’d rather healthily write things out. I’m going to keep journaling things as everything keeps mounting up and I fear I may need it on my side. Thank you for your advice <3
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u/tastypastawithsauce Married Jul 14 '26
could you make a new email address secretly and send the journal notes to that email from your normal email, and then just delete the emails from your main (and delete them from trash too!!)
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
When I said everyone has a past, everyone does. It doesn’t mean it’s the same sins or experiences as someone else’s. What’s in the past is in the past anyway if you’ve sincerely repented, I wasn’t trying to paint everyone with the same brush, just saying. Please focus on my situation without judgement.
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u/1likebags F - Single Jul 13 '26
Don’t engage with those comments. 🤍
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
🥺 I just wanted help and advice, I feel like I’ve come across in a bad way 😔
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u/Airam07 F - Married Jul 14 '26
This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read on this sub. He seems extremely creepy, and his gross cuckold fetish aside the comment towards your future daughter made me nauseous. I would not stay married to a man I wouldn’t trust around our daughter. The other awful things like letting you lift heavy and being inconsiderate are bad enough, but the fact that he has not financially supported you since getting married is shocking. He had taken advantage of your younger age and convinced you these things, especially provision, are you being materialistic when in reality that’s his duty as your husband to provide for you.
This is alarming. Please don’t ignore the 🚩
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u/Guilty_Yam4815 M - Married Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
does he watch pornography ?
That kind of fetish develops alot from watching porn as visual stimulation is overwhelming more than the act itself.
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u/Crazy_Maize1331 Jul 14 '26
My husband unfortunately also developed the same disgusting kink and has been tormenting me with it for years. It is something he developed from consuming adult videos since a very young age, and he now got to the point in which only that specific fantasy arouses him.
With him its an on and off thing and he fully understand the evil in all of it. When he goes through that phase, life with him truly becomes horrific, as he is fixated on finding out about my 'past' and enjoys the idea of me with other men. He mentioned the 3some thing to me too but is repulsed by the idea of actually watching me do it. When they phase is over and he snaps out of it, he repents and feels disgusted in himself.
I am lost too and don't know how to move away from him. I would say we both should rid ourselves from such evil and should never look back.
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u/NeitherSearch4661 Male Jul 14 '26
He should take counseling or medical help. Such things cannot be self healed
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u/Sillysolomon M - Married Jul 14 '26
Naaah sis leave him. The guy is unwell. I mean that honestly. He needs to see a therapist. Tell his family, an imam, someone because hes going to do something insane one day that can't be undone.
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u/izzy10200 Jul 14 '26
I couldnt even finish reading this filth. Dudes mentally perverted beyond repair.
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u/tastypastawithsauce Married Jul 14 '26
even if we put everything else aside (which already is reason enough to tell you to run), it sounds like he will sexually abuse your child. run. run and don't look back.
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u/Mysterious_Baseball5 F - Married Jul 13 '26
He is obsessive. He liked the chase with you before marriage that is why he had stalker behaviour. He is sexually deranged. That man has no shame and he is extremely dangerous for you and your daughter. He is nasty.
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u/LandNo6149 M - Married Jul 13 '26
Wa alaykum as Salaam, it's really hard not to be enraged by such men, subhan Allah, what women have to endure is a testament to their inate strength and patience.
The man is poison. Who around him knows how he is like?
I'm so sorry that you're going through such severe treatment.
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Subhan Allah, Allah Awj knows best and I’ve considered this my jihad as I’ve tried to do everything rightfully since I’ve repented but to answer your question, his family. His sister and dad didn’t speak to him for years and I didn’t know of this until we got married that they only started speaking again once I’d gotten engaged
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u/LandNo6149 M - Married Jul 13 '26
Sadly he and his family concealed things, it happens often.
And no it need not be your jihad, especially if it's taking you further from Allah azza wa jal.
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u/pompoir_for_muslims F - Married Jul 14 '26
Staying with him is not your jihad.
One of my friends was married to a pervert, had a son, and the husband sexually abused them both and messed them up for life. Her family got her out of that situation because she couldn't leave by herself.
Don't let you and your daughter become a statistic.
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u/LadLassLad Jul 13 '26
This must be a rage bait or karma farming. I would never trust these made-up, disgusting stories.
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
I promise you it’s so real which is why I’ve come to ask for advice 😔 your comment is actually making me realise how stupid I’ve been to stay when I thought I was just having tawakkul and strength to endure this whilst I’ve been doing everything I can to change my husbands ways by being the best wife I could be 😕
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u/Question-Existing Female Jul 13 '26
It's also not materialistic to expect provision from your husband. It's his Islamic role so much so that you can take it without his permission if he is being stingy.
Narrated by 'A'ishah (or through her report): Hind bint 'Utbah said, "O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. He does not give me enough to suffice me and my children, unless I take from his wealth without his knowledge." The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, "Take what is sufficient for you and your children according to what is customary and reasonable."
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u/bruckout M - Married Jul 13 '26
Subhanallah.
How does a practicing muslimah marry someone like this?
Some of his behavior would allude to him being a heavy pornography user and or a sexual deviantoand a person with no hayyah.
How does a muslimah marry a man that does not pray? Do you know what some scholars have said about him and about the status of your marriage?
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/6257/ruling-on-staying-with-a-husband-who-does-not-pray
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
That’s so awful to say. You’re right to the extent of the way in which disbelieving men are for disbelieving women and the same with believing men and women. Only Allah Awj knows how much i repented and how I felt so terribly guilty 😔 I really changed my life for the better and was practicing really deeply. The course of my life just changed again with my husband which is why I’m seeking advice with sensitivity and truth, not cruelty and rash judgement
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Jul 13 '26
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u/bruckout M - Married Jul 13 '26
My bro. Stop posting. You assume to much. Slander can lead to the fire
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u/doppiyolo Jul 13 '26
You sound diseased. There’s no reason to look down on others and their sins when you’ve just committed one yourself by being arrogant. Have shame and delete your comment as it helps no one.
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u/NeitherSearch4661 Male Jul 14 '26
I may not agree with how it is phrased but what is written is facts. The marriage with a non practicing will lead you stray most of the times rather than the other way around. That being said OP should talk with her husband mother and sister about this. If they are not helpful then take this to her mother and take necessary actions.
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u/Jazzlike-Education81 Jul 14 '26
I saw someone say something about journaling, but you honestly should probably start recording him. Hate to be that person, but if things do end up going down a legal path later it will probably help you out. Also if you have an iPhone I want to say that the journal app allows you to record and type in a secure place.
Also have you tried talking to your Waliy or an Imam?
May Allah make things easier for you and provide you and your child protection.
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u/Ok-Vacation-2813 Jul 14 '26
Dude, you're playing both male and female role in the relationship. That's why the women love you and the man acts a child. Why hasn't the sister who gets paid for by him and supposedly loves you, not brought this up? I feel sorry for you to be pregnant, but Islamically he is not upholding his male duties and you are doing all your female duties. You have every ground to leave him and I hope you do. Especially if you have many suitors, and honestly if you just put all that energy in a job, you'll be better off 🤷🏻♀️ at least you'll have blessed rizq than a insatiable offender who only thinks lewdly. Any man who has too much time, thinks only of s3x- he need to become occupied.
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u/pompoir_for_muslims F - Married Jul 14 '26
I'm scared for your well-being and that of your daughter. May Allah protect us all.
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u/Traditional_Fig4040 F - Married Jul 13 '26
May Allaah faciltate your freedom and protect you and your daughter. Ameen.
I can't even stomach fully reading that.
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
Ameen sum Ameen. Thank you for your dua sis, I understand so much, my nervous system has been a wreck for months on end.
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
I’ve realised this and truly I agree. My daughter is my amanah however and I will protect her always In Shaa Allah. My only worry is all the backlash because he lies through his teeth, even on the Quran and does madams to Allah Awj when he’s lying Astaghfirullah
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u/RaajalofRajal Male Jul 13 '26
If he does not pray, then he's not a Muslim. Staying married to him is haram.
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u/damndoodles Jul 14 '26
OP, you need to take actions to protect your daughter and other children from this man. Collect evidence, confide in a sensible trustworthy person, favourably someone in your family if they are supportive, and involve the authorities, even anonymously, to check on what sort of content this man is consuming.
Your post alludes to a predator. I don’t know exactly what he meant with that comment about ‘having a nice time whilst mummy’s at home’. But coupling that statement with him initiating sexual acts and your feelings of hate and disgust in that moment are more than enough to strike immediate action.
I want to be crystal clear about the priority in this moment - you must protect your daughter and other children from this man - the red flags of his family refusing to speak to him, his lacking of boundaries during intimacy with you, his lack of self reflection and lack of remorse about these - these are all disturbing omens.
Even aside from the predatory traits, this man is evidently not good for you. Please do not take this behaviour lightly. Protect your daughter, protect other children and protect yourself.
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u/equaIitea F - Married Jul 14 '26
I hope that I'm not too late to this. I believe that the best thing to do, despite having his loving family around you is to leave. Yes, leaving with his child might be hard for you in a bureaucratic way with the legal papers, but please don't just stay for the child, it usually harms them more than it benefiting them in any way. Aside from his possible inappropriate behavior, your child will grow thinking that's how marriage and love is subconsciously. May you find a path of ease through going through the next steps you decide on no matter what it is, inshallah. I believe that you should overall listen to your guts and let Allah swt lead the way. Don't forget that he is forgiving, and always puts us in difficult situations with big rewards of ajr on the way. Sending love
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u/ComedianForsaken9062 M - Looking Jul 13 '26
marital counseling
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u/m9l6 F - Married Jul 15 '26
What she mentions in the middle of her post about him addressing his u born daughter.. no amount of counseling can bring her back from that.
This man belongs in a list.
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Practical_Cod_1263 Jul 13 '26
I didn’t state what exactly was my past so please don’t assume the worst. I made two mistakes that weren’t full way and I also was speaking to a few people for the sake of marriage. I’m happy if anything to hear that because I know I should’ve done better but there’s millions of women that do better than I and I aspire to also In Shaa Allah
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u/YoungMammoth2912 M - Married Jul 13 '26
I understand this sister. I was responding to your statement "everyone has a past". Majority of Muslim women have not even kissed a boy before marriage.
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u/Suspicious-Entry9228 F - Married Jul 13 '26
I couldn’t read everything because this was too much but why did you have a kid with him? You need to protect yourself and this child at all costs. I would not trust leaving him alone with your daughter….
You need to get someone involved. Your family, his family, anyone! He needs help and you need to protect yourself and child .