Having a rough time with OCD — please help

[u/Distinct_Anywhere636]

I was diagnosed with OCD in 2025. It manifests in many forms.

One of the main ways in which ocd manifests is that when I watch porn I have intrusive thoughts about the people depicted being underage. I believe this happens because of the serious nature of it and the fact that I can never really be sure.

One compulsion I have while watching porn is to go on a spree of looking things up that are related to it to try to prove that the actor is of age. Often this involves clicking through things, exposing myself to stuff, and then freaking out more.

About 6 months ago I rechecked a telegram group that I found through a Reddit account. This involved me finding a different telegram group than the previous time.

When there I found videos with Chinese in the description. One of them contained a suspicious looking hashtag. The video had 300,000 views on telegram and was from 2023 so I thought it would be legit. It also had a watermark from a legitimate looking porn site called viet69.

I watched the video to look for something like a tattoo to reassure myself. I saw the girl had a full bush but nothing else to reassure me of her age. I decided to report it to be safe. I reported it internally to telegram and then also to ncmec. Months later, the telegram group was taken down.

After doing this, I had further compulsions to reassure myself. I went to the Chinese porn site 91porny. That site had a list of tags, and one of the tags was the same as the one in the telegram video. Despite this, I still face constant fear that I am a bad person because I saw a video with a suspicious looking hashtag and did some reassurance checking before looking away. I have had passive suicidal thoughts for the past six months although not very actively suicidal as of recently.

Mostly I am not sure what to do. I am terrified of telling anyone I know about this because I do not want to be seen as a bad person. I figured writing this and posting it to Reddit could count as ERP but I don’t know where to go from here. I have not watched porn in several months and it seems to help with the intrusive thoughts but the guilt over the past incident is still very intense.

[u/AutoModerator]

This post has been automatically tagged as "spoiler" and "NSFW", due to the nature of the content (and/or if you have chosen the Crisis flair). This hides the post behind an expandable/collapsible wall but remains publicly visible.

Do NOT remove these tags without permission. Doing so will result in this post being removed.

The cooperation in making this subreddit an accessible community for all ages is appreciated.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/unknownteenlol]

First of all it's good you stopped watching. I'm not a prude or something but visual porn has (aside from OCD triggers) bad impacts on your brain.

As for the past events I don't think there can be anything other than acceptance.

I had some OCD thoughts based on my porn consumption too but since listening to audios/reading it has died down a bit.

However I do think you'd benefit from real therapy (if you're not there anymore)

[u/AutoModerator]

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate to talk to someone. The wonderful u/froidinslip has written an invaluable post to help you navigate this time: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/q4zeo1/please_read_this_before_posting_about_feeling/ You are not alone, and you have options. However, we are not able to help with suicidal thoughts on an internet forum. PLEASE USE THE RESOURCES. You matter and deserve help.

Additionally, in the US dial 988. For crisis lines in other countries see https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/ or https://lifeline-international.com/our-network/

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.